Monday, June 13, 2016

Ladies First

This past week Hillary Clinton and I made history when Hillary became the first woman presidential nominee of a major party. You may be doubting that I had anything to do with this historic moment. Yeah, well, I have proof because Hillary sent me an e-mail. So there.


Shortly after Hillary and I made history, The Justice League got together to back us up and defeat Doomsday. The Justice League being Barrack Obama, Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren. Doomsday being @realDonaldTrump. (I considered going with Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor is an evil billionaire who becomes President. But Lex Luthor is also a genius, so... no.) President Obama sent me this e-mail informing me of the JLA's plans. Barry wanted me to be the first to know because he knows Hillary and I are tight.


As excited as I am about future President Hillary Rodham Clinton, I'm also super pissed it took us so long to get here. I mean, seriously, what the fuck, America? Rachel Maddow did a piece on the numerous nations which beat us to electing women to their highest offices. Check it out and you too will be saying, "What the fuck, America?"


Why has it taken us so long to nominate a woman? I don't know. Perhaps, it's because a man who bragged about his penis size during a presidential debate became the Republican nominee. And also, he's trying to date his daughter. What the fuck, America?

Hillary gave a great speech Tuesday night. She said things like, "I can stop a bullet cold, make the Axis fold, make a hawk a dove, stop a war with love. Change their minds and change the world...." Some of you may recognize the previous statements as lyrics to the Wonder Woman TV show theme song. That's what I heard in my head while she was talking. If you want to know what Hillary actually said, I'm sure you can find that on a reputable news site.

One day I'll be telling someone's grandchildren about Hillary's speech on this historic night. (I'm not having children. When I'm old I'll find random children and tell them about all the things I've seen in my life.) Immediately following Hillary's historic Amazon warrior speech, the cable news anchors, political pundits and Chris Hardball talked about how much better she'd become at speaking. More specifically, they felt she was better at controlling the volume of her voice. What the fuck, Chris Hardball? Does anyone remember when George W. Bush was President and he was really bad at speaking and also, governing? Bush invented his own fucking language. The only reason the Senate voted to go to Iraq is because they thought Bush asked who wants to go for a walk. It was a lovely day. Why would they say no?

After Hillary's historic win on that historic night in this great moment in history, she received the endorsements of Barrack Obama, Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, a.k.a. The Justice League. Donald Trump received the endorsements of Don King and Roseanne Barr. Hey, Don King is still alive. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't.

There's been much speculation Hillary may pick Elizabeth Warren as our running mate. (Note to my brother who is editing this: I meant to say our, not her. Don't correct that. I told you Hillary and I are in this together. Pay attention.) Elizabeth Warren is tough and smart and possibly a descendant of Pocahontas according to Donald Trump. Trump thinks Pocahontas is an insult because he's super racist, but that actually makes Elizabeth Warren way cooler. I'm also fairly certain he doesn't realize Pocahontas was a real person and not a creation of The Walt Disney Company. (Trump is citing Don King's endorsement as proof he isn't racist, though no proof Don King is alive has been provided.)

As much as Hillary and I would love to have Elizabeth Warren as our running mate, we've been concerned America may not vote for two women. When it comes to electing women, we turn into one of those countries that stone women for exposing their ankles. And also, the Republican nominee brags about the size of his penis and people voted for that. What the fuck, America?

Though, as we head into the general election, Hillary and I are starting to believe we could actually win with two women on the ticket. We're getting endorsements by people who actually matter, who can make an impact and who fight for truth and justice in the American way. While Trump's been endorsed by a guy who may be dead and Roseanne. While I'm sure Roseanne's endorsement may carry a lot of weight with her other personalities, it doesn't mean shit to actual live people. And also, what the fuck, Roseanne?

It was pretty much written in the stars that Hillary would be the Democratic nominee this year, regardless of who the Republicans picked. But it's messed up that the only reason we can conceive of a female running mate as a viable possibility is because the Republican nominee is a ridiculous person. If Jeb Bush had won the Republican primary there's no way we'd even be talking about the possibility of Hillary and I picking Elizabeth Warren. And he's a Bush. What the fuck, America?

We're not going to let that get us down because Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren and I are Amazon Warrior bitches. We're going to be President soon. All that matters is what we do once we get in the Oval Office. And it just so happens I've been planning Hillary's agenda for her first one hundred days in office.

Donna Troy's Plan for Hillary Clinton's First One Hundred Days in Office

1.
On Day One, we will give every woman in America a raise. On Day Two, Bed Bath & Beyond stores nationwide will sell out of everything.

2.
Confirm Don King's death and notify the family.

3.
Assign Bill Clinton the task of redecorating the White House like many a First Lady before him.

4.
Sign an executive order canceling The Chris Hardball Show. If President Hillary Rodham Clinton isn't allowed to raise her voice, neither is he.

5.
Arrest Donald Trump for treason. I think we can safely assume if he doesn't say something mildly treasonous before November, he most certainly will when he loses to a woman.

6.
After Trump is in prison, seize his billions and billions of dollars worth of assets. Apply said assets to national debt. Economy fixed.

7.
Free tampons for everyone!

8.
Finally achieve peace in the Middle East by sending Oprah. The Oprah peace talks will involve encouraging the leaders of these nations to engage in a healthy dialogue where they learn to validate each other's feelings. Upon completion of feelings validation, each participant will receive a basket of Oprah's Favorite Things. And a box of tampons... they're free, so what the fuck?

9.
Declare June 2, 2017, a national holiday when the long awaited and very first Wonder Woman movie is finally released.

Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman are the three most popular characters in the entire history of D.C Comics. Several movie franchises have been based on Superman. Several movie franchises have been based on Batman. Zero movie franchises have been based on Wonder Woman. Zero. What the fuck, America?

I'll tell you what the fuck, America. I forgot what I was going to write here because I've got the Wonder Woman theme song stuck in my head again.

Get us out from under... Wonder Woman!

Namaste, Bitches




Comments:

guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. I just wanted to say I don't think it's appropriate to give me a note via your blog. I mean, readers aren't interested in our private communications. Besides, you'd never see me using this forum to send personal messages. That would be unprofessional.

Before I forget, you should get that birthday card soon. Just sign it and mail it to the next person on the list.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Death of a Nation

Donald J. Trump believes he will be the next President of the United States. He won't, but he believes it. Hillary and I aren't about to let that shit happen. Trump's very good brain functions in an alternate universe. In that alternate universe, Trump becomes President. In this universe, he loses and goes broke because he burned a lot of bridges with his racist rants and tweets. Trump is so sure he's about to become President, he's started writing a book about it.

Through my super special top secret connections, I was able to get my hands on an advanced copy of the manuscript. Or I'm about to make up a lot of shit. Either way please enjoy the following excerpt.

The Art of Running a Successful Presidential Campaign and Becoming the Greatest President God Ever Created Even Though a Bunch of Losers Laughed at You

People come up to me in the street every day and they say to me, "Don, how did you do it? How did you become President?" I tell them to call me Mr. President The Donald, okay. They're being very rude. I'm not a businessman anymore. I'm the President of America and all it's subsidiaries. But they can't believe it. They just can't believe I became President with no background in public office. It's incredible. They tell me it's the most historic moment they've ever witnessed in their lives. People tell me that. That's what I'm hearing on the street. Every time I go out I'm surrounded by men in black suits who want to know how the fuck I became President. They love me. A couple of them have even taken bullets for me. I get shot at a lot, but that's what happens when you stand up to thugs like Stephen Hawking. Anyway, the men in black suits are always around to protect me from bullets. I've started calling them The Men in Black. They tell me they've sworn to protect me, and all they want to know is how the fuck I became President.

I'll tell you it's actually very simple to become President. Most of what qualifies a person to become President happens at birth.

1.
Be born in America. More specifically, be born in the forty-eight states I consider to be America. People born in Hawaii aren't citizens and Barack Obama's entire presidency was a total fraud, okay. People born in Indiana with names that sound Mexican-y aren't citizens either and they shouldn't be allowed to become judges. The states I consider to be America can change daily depending on my feelings. That I can tell you.

2.
Be born white. Look at the forty-four Presidents before me. Forty-three and a half of them were white. People are going to play the race card and call me a racist, but it's just facts, folks. Americans love white Presidents. I'm not saying white people make better leaders, but there has to be something to it. There has to be some reason the American people keep putting white Presidents in office.

3.
Be born male. I love women, okay. I'll be a great President for women. I'll do great things on behalf of women. I don't want to tell you what those things are because you'll go crazy. You won't believe it. But, believe me, women are going to love me and they'll say I'm the greatest President ever. But I'm sorry, ladies, a woman can't run for President without playing the woman's card. And that automatically disqualifies a woman from running. For a woman to become President, she has to be able to run on an even playing field with a man. And she can't if she's playing the woman's card. And she can't run without playing the woman's card. So a woman can't be President. Does that make sense? Does your tiny woman brain understand? Don't worry. Breast implants for flat-chested women is part of my healthcare plan. You'll feel better when your boobs are bigger. Believe me.

4.
Be born rich. I hate to say it, but rich people are far superior to everyone else. For a person to be poor, they must be stupid. Seriously, look at all the stupid poor people who voted for me. And before the liberal media says I'm making fun of poor people, remember I'm very rich. I consider anyone who makes less than a billion dollars a year poor, okay. Poor people love me because they know I'm going to help them be a little less poor. I'm the only one who can do it. I self-funded my campaign, except for the part where I was asking for donations throughout the entire campaign, and people love that about me.

These four key things will put anyone on the fast track to the White House. Our country has a long history of voting for men who were born rich and white in the forty-eight states of America. We can't change that if we want to make America great again.

I'm starting to not feel good about New Mexico. The name sounds too Mexican-y. By executive order, Donald J. Trump is pronouncing New Mexico is no longer a state and all people born there are not U.S. citizens. Just so you know, folks, making quick decisions like that based on my emotions is what makes me a great President, okay. Maybe even the greatest President since Martin Sheen. Martin Sheen was one of the best Presidents in history. His legacy is huge. We met at the Emmy's once. He's a great guy. Martin won the Emmy for best President. Even though I had the highest rated show in the history of shows and ratings, I never won an Emmy. I made a deal with Martin Sheen. I'm known for making great deals, okay. That's what I do. That's what I'm known for. People all over the world can tell you that. The deal I made with Martin is he gives me his Emmy for best President and I give his son a job. I said, "This is great. I love Charlie. He's the most talented guy ever. The press has been so nasty to him. The way they've treated him, it's a total disaster."

Martin said, "No, not Charlie. Charlie has no trouble getting a job. He should have trouble getting a job, but he doesn't. It's my other son, Emilio, who needs work."

I'm like... what's this? Emilio? You named your son Emilio Sheen? And Martin tells me his name is Emilio Estevez and he was in a movie with Molly Ringwald thirty-five years ago. I'm like, Molly Ringwald? Who cares about Molly Ringwald? She's old now. She's got to be... what? Fifty? Excuse me. Excuse me, Martin Sheen, I wouldn't bang Molly Ringwald now if I wanted to. What do I care about Molly Ringwald? And Martin tells me it's not about Molly Ringwald. So, I didn't bring up Molly Ringwald. Martin Sheen brought up Molly Ringwald. Why did he bring up Molly Ringwald if he didn't want to talk about her?

So I say fine. Whatever. We're done talking about Molly Ringwald. Do we have a deal on the Emmy? And Martin says, "What about my son?" I tell him, "Look, I'd love to hire Charlie. He can run the Miss Universe pageant. I think he'd be tremendous at that, but I can't hire someone named Emilio Estefan. I just can't. I'm building a wall, okay. Where did this kid come from? Did you adopt him?"

Then Martin Sheen actually says to me, "He is my biological son. His name is Emilio Estevez, not Estefan." He actually said this to me, folks. I'm not making this up. I'm like, "Estefan, Estevez, who cares? How does a guy named Martin Sheen have a son named Emilio Estevez? That's what I want to know." The press and the American people should be asking that question. This man was President, okay, and he was hiding this Mexican-y son the whole time.

What happened next is unbelievable, okay. I've never seen anything like it. Former President Martin Sheen just lost it. He had a complete and total breakdown right in front of me. Believe me when I tell you he was trembling. He said to me, "Don, Martin Sheen is a stage name. My real name is Ramon Estevez. Charlie's real name is Carlos Estevez. I thought you knew that."

I said, "Martin, are you telling me you're a Mexican? Is that what I'm hearing?"

He says to me, "My father was from Spain."

I'm like, "Excuse me. Excuse me, Martin Sheen. Spain, Mexico, what's the difference? I'm building a wall."

I couldn't believe it. Could not believe it, folks. I felt a little bad for former President Sheen. It must have been a tremendous burden to carry, hiding his heritage all those years in the Oval Office. I truly think... no, I know he confessed to me because deep down he understands what he did is bad for the country and he knows I'm the only one who can fix this kind of disaster. And I can't think of a bigger disaster than finding out Martin Sheen isn't a U.S. citizen. So I said to him, "Martin, look, I can't give a job to your anchor baby, okay. I just can't. It goes against everything I believe in. I mean, this guy, what he did to Molly Ringwald. It's just horrible."

Martin actually says to me, "What are you talking about?"

I couldn't believe it, folks. Martin Sheen was trying to change his story. I mean, here's a guy who we all thought was a great President. He did tremendous things for the country. He won the Emmy for best President and it was all a total lie, folks. Okay. It was a total fraud.

I told him. I said, "Look, you just told me your son, Emilio Iglesias, did horrible, rotten, nasty things to Molly Ringwald." He actually tried to tell me he didn't say that, folks. Can you believe it? I'm like, where did I hear it then? I didn't bring up Molly Ringwald. Martin Sheen brought up Molly Ringwald.

This is what happens when you don't secure the border. They come over here. They take over our government and primetime TV, which is probably, I don't want to say, but I'm guessing, it's why I never won an Emmy. Charlie Carlos is bringing drugs. They're criminals. They're ruining our women. I mean, just look at how much Molly Ringwald has aged in thirty-five years. She would probably look much, much better if it hadn't been for whatever Emilio Estrada did to her. That I can tell you.

I hated to do it, but I called my immigration people. Look, either we have a country or we don't, folks, okay. And believe me, my immigration people are the best anywhere in the world. I told them to round up former President Martin Sheen Fernandez and his two sons, Carlos Lopez and Emilio Enriquez and get 'em out of here. Okay, just get them the hell out of here. Send them back to where they came from.

My Chief Operating Officer of Deportation and Making America Great Again told me that Martin Sheen El Salvador was born in Dayton, Ohio. I said, you've got to be kidding me. How stupid are the people of Ohio? Ohio's out, okay. Ohio has to go. My policies are America first. America can't afford to lose another Molly Ringwald. I'm making this whole Molly Ringwald thing a top priority in my re-election campaign.

Make Molly Ringwald Look Twenty Again – Trump 2020

Namaste, Bitches

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

It Takes a Village... Appendix I

or
Let the Mothertrumper Burn

The Republican primary was a real clustertrump this year. The Republican candidates were unable to ward off the demon spawn's scathing insults. Insults such as, Lyin' Ted, Li'l Marco and Low Energy Jeb. The Republicans found themselves defenseless against such cunning, and one by one they dropped out until only the demon spawn remained.

Many were concerned Hillary Clinton would suffer the same fate as the Republicans. However, there was no need to worry because Hillary isn't a moron. Hillary Clinton unleashed some trumping awesome Amazon Warrior shit on the demon spawn this week. She gave a speech that left the demon spawn all kinds of trumped up. In a brilliant move worthy of the first woman President, she replaced the word fuck with trump. While speaking of Trump's ongoing fraud case with Trump University, Clinton shortened it to Trump U. Then, to my delight, she said this: "That doesn’t sound appropriate, does it. I am going to use that more. Because if he gets anywhere near the White House, you know what he is going to do. He is going to Trump U.”

Hillary Clinton is the first future first woman President of the United States to make cursing way more fun. Here are more highlights from her Trump-annihilating speech the way I heard them in my mind.

1.
He has a lot of ideas of who to blame, but no trumping clue what to do.

2.
We are not a country who cowers behind walls. That's what sniveling little trumptards do.

3.
He says climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese. That's some trumped up bullshit.

4.
He doesn't have to listen to our generals because he has quote, 'a very good brain.' Do we really want him trumping around with ISIS?

5.
Donald Trump doesn't know the first thing about Iran or their nuclear program. Ask him and it will become abso-trumping-lutely clear.

6.
He picks fights with our friends because he doesn't give a flying trump about pissing off our allies.

7.
Making Trump President would be an historic mistake and total mind-trump.

Hillary concluded by telling Donald Trump to go trump himself. He's a trumping weak ass mothertrumper and he needs to trump off because he's trumping up America. There's no trumping way he'll ever be President and Hillary has enough trumping work to do when she becomes the first woman President of the United States without having to trumping clean up his clustertrump.

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, June 6, 2016

The Art of a Deal... Appendix II

The unauthorized biography of Donald Trump has become an ongoing project because that jackass won't drop dead despite my repeated pleas for him to do so. I'm now rethinking my decision to numerate the appendixes with Roman Numerals. They look all fancy and bookish, but I start getting confused after X, or 10. Roman Numerals are the second worst thing to come out of Rome. The first worst thing to come out of Rome is the cliché, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." That's really bad advice. What if I travel to Rome and run into a Roman murdering puppies? No one considers the needless slaughtering of puppies when they're doling out tired clichés.


Very recently, like yesterday, the undead jackass, Donald J. Trump, was giving another one of his eloquent speeches using his very good brain and words he knows. It had been a rough week for The Donnie. He had to fight non-stop allegations of racism just because he said a lot of racist shit. Trump deflected these charges of racism by doing something that can only be defined as racist. While giving this speech to a crowd of thousands and thousands of white people, The Donnie spotted a black guy. His first impulse was to shout, "Hey! Look, a black guy!" However, Donnie decided to take the advice of everyone on Earth and not act on his first impulse. Instead, he took a moment, thought it through and said this: "Look at my African-American over here. Look at him. Are you the greatest?"

Immediately following the speech, one of Trump's advisors informed him that the random black guy in the crowd was not the greatest African-American. In fact, another African-American had been known as The Greatest for over fifty years. In what can only be described as a one-two punch to Donnie's ego, he learned the African-American known as The Greatest was also a Muslim.

A few short hours later, Muhammad Ali died suddenly at the age of seventy-four following a long battle with Parkinson's Disease. It's been speculated in the following statement that Trump may have been involved in the untimely death of Muhammad Ali. We may never know for sure what pushed Donnie over the edge. All we know for certain is Muhammad Ali was prettier than Trump's African-American.

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