Sunday, October 7, 2018

And Justice For All



It's a dangerous time to be a man in America. If your name is Brett. I just yelled at a Copper Fit commercial because Brett Favre was in it. Poor Brett Favre. His only crime is being named Brett. I shouted to the TV, “I don't have low back pain, Brett Favre. Because I do yoga and not aggressive man sports like football with your violent tackling and whatnot.”

Poor Brett Favre aside, it's mostly only a dangerous time to be a man in America if you're a rapist. I can't help but notice those worried about men being falsely accused are people known to be kind of rape-y. Like the president. And his sons. And Clarence Thomas. And Bill Cosby's spokesperson.

This reminds me of Bill O'Reilly's imaginary War On Christmas. It also reminds me of Bill O'Reilly because he's kind of rape-y. The imaginary War On Christmas started when Americans who aren't members of the Christian faith asked for their rights to be acknowledged. They said, “Hey, remember freedom of religion and separation of church and state? That means you can't put the Ten Commandments and a nativity scene on the courthouse lawn.” Bill O'Reilly was all like, “Christians are being persecuted. They have declared a war upon Christmas. Our rights are being taken away.”


The truth was Christians hadn't lost any rights. They'd been helping themselves to rights they never had. And just like Bill O'Reilly Christians, Bill O'Reilly rapists have been helping themselves to rights they never had. Rape is not a right.  Although, I can see how Brett Kavanaugh has confused rapists. When a rapist appears in court it's usually as the defendant, not the judge. And that Ten Commandments thing probably didn't help either. Not a single commandment about rape. What's up with that?

Regardless, church-going rapist Brett Kavanaugh is now a Supreme Court Justice. And Donna Troy is fucking pissed. At men named Brett. At rapists. And at rapists named Brett. Donna Troy is super fucking pissed at fifty senators who put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. However, I don't have all day so I shall aim my wrath at a select few. These senators have been chosen by their inability to shut up. You would think placing a rapist on the Supreme Court is a situation that can't be made any worse. Yet these senators have managed to do so. By their inability to shut up.

Senator Chuck Grassley apparently didn't think he had insulted women enough by placing a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. He stated there are no republican women on the Senate Judiciary Committee because it's a lot of work. He further described “a lot of work” as meeting every Thursday. 

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck Grassley,

Dear Senator Grassley,

Why won't you die already?

Warm regards,
Donna Troy

Senator Jeff Flake who's unsuccessful attempt at being on both sides of the rape issue wasted everyone's time. He used his leverage to have the confirmation vote delayed a week while the FBI conducted an investigation. During that very short week, Jeff Flake was hailed as a hero and he didn't shy away from it. He made several public appearances stating Brett Kavanaugh probably shouldn't be on the Supreme Court.

Then the FBI investigation wrapped up early. We learned the FBI was so restricted the investigation was basically a Google search. Jeff Flake glanced over the Google search results which mostly contained clips of Lindsey Graham proclaiming Kavanaugh's innocence. And Jeff Flake was all like, “Yep. I'm convinced. He's innocent.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Jeff Flake.

Dear Senator Flake,

I hope one day you're leaving your office late at night, walking alone to your car in a dimly lit parking garage when you're suddenly attacked by a psychotic lunatic like that guy in Deliverance. Then you're brutally raped like that guy in Deliverance. I know this may sound harsh, but it's the only way you're going to learn.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy
 

Senator Lindsey Graham keeps repeating some nonsensical rant about how well he treated Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan during their confirmation hearings.

“When you see Sotomayor and Kagan, tell them that Lindsey said hello to them because I voted for them. I would never do to them what you’ve done to this guy!”

I'm not sure what his point is because neither of them has ever been accused of rape. And I think he's mad about that...?

Anyway, Lindsey Graham is convinced of Kavanaugh's innocence because Kavanaugh forcefully defended himself. 
 


Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Lindsey Graham.

Dear Lindsey,

Forcefulness is common trait among rapists. I don't think you really get rape. Perhaps you should read a book on the subject. Or watch Deliverance. Or shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,
Donna Troy

Democratic Senator Joe Manchin from my home state of West Virginia. Not only am I pissed because the only democrat to put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court is from my home state, but also, the last time West Virginia made the news for something good Mary Lou Retton was on a Wheaties box.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the state of West Virginia.

Dear People of West Virginia,

Get your shit together or I will burn this motherfucker to the ground.

To. The. Ground.

Your Fellow Mountaineer,
Donna Troy


Senator Susan Collins said of Dr. Ford, “I do believe she was assaulted. I don't know by whom and I'm not certain when.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Susan Collins.

Dear Senator Collins,

Dr. Ford was assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh in the summer of 1982. I'm certain, you feckless cunt.

Cordially Yours,
Donna Troy


Namaste, Bitches

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