Saturday, July 27, 2019

The Kidney at The Heart of The Matter

To quote Twitter user @RedTRacoon, “It doesn’t matter what Chuck Todd says.” Chuck Todd tweeted the Mueller testimony was a disaster, like, during the opening statements. And that’s not very fair. The opening and closing statements are the most boring part of any hearing. Except for maybe the O.J. case. I’ve got to give it to Johnny Cochran. “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” is a pretty snappy catchphrase. Anyway, whether you watched the Mueller testimony or not, remember it doesn’t matter what Chuck Todd says. Thank you for your service, @RedTRacoon.

Despite the general dickishness of Chuck Todd, the Mueller testimony didn’t meet the dramatic hype leading up to it. The take away from the testimony is this: Robert Mueller is an old man. He did his job thoroughly. He submitted a comprehensive report. His job is done and he doesn’t wish to bothered further. Especially by people with the reading comprehension skills of an average five year-old.

Following Mueller’s testimony the news people kept repeating that this is an occasion where the book is better than the movie. No shit. The book is almost always better than the movie. I read “The Da Vinci Code” in one night. Couldn’t put it down. But halfway through the movie I realized you can’t assume a movie is going to be good just because Tom Hanks is in it. Which is something I kind of knew after “Castaway,” but wasn’t quite ready to concede.


The main reason the democrats wanted Mueller to testify is sadly, most people haven’t read The Mueller Report. Most of the republicans who questioned Robert Mueller haven’t read The Mueller Report. It was painfully obvious to anyone who has read The Mueller Report. If you haven’t yet read The Mueller Report, please do so now. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Also, please read it aloud so that everyone may hear. Perhaps, go to a park and do a dramatic reading for strangers.

The next day NBC went to some random diner in Wisconsin or wherever and asked people having breakfast if they thought the president should be impeached. One doughnut muncher said there was no big sound bite from the Mueller hearing so we should just let the election sort it out. So that’s what we’re doing now. We’re governing by sound bites. Or as Johnny Cochran might say, “If there’s no sound bite, wait for election night.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Doughnut Muncher.

Dear Doughnut Muncher,

The Watergate break in happened during Nixon’s first term. And he was re-elected.

And remember how no one, including Trump himself, believed Trump was going to be elected? Then it happened.

So don’t talk with your mouth full and your brain empty.

Also, you should eat better. Perhaps, have some Kellogg’s Raisin Bran as part of a complete breakfast.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy 

As much as I hate to admit it, Doughnut Muncher may have a point. We need something flashy to get the attention of all the Doughnut Munchers out there. Remember the Facebook campaign to get Betty White to host SNL? I propose we start a campaign to get SNL to do a whole show acting out the Mueller report. And by “we” I mean someone reading this who knows how to start a Facebook campaign. Because I don’t. Also, see if you can get Betty White involved. I think if we get Betty White attached to this project more people will watch.


Anyway, back to the testimony. Robert Mueller basically had two answers for any question he was asked. 1.) I stand by what’s in the report. 2.) I can’t answer that as it’s part of an ongoing DOJ investigation.

I shall now share some of the most stupid things said by republican senators. As someone who has read the report and has an almost obsessive need to ridicule assholes, I feel it’s totally cool if I provide answers on behalf of Robert Mueller as I deem necessary.


Senator Ratcliffe of TX: As you know, there was a well-developed conspiracy of cooperation between the Trump campaign and the Russian government, but the special counsel investigation didn't establish any conspiracy, correct?

Mueller: Yeah, so I’m gonna call bullshit on that. As is stated in the report, Don Jr. and Jared Kushner totally conspired with the Russian government. But we did not think it possible to convince a grand jury that either of them is smart enough to know he was committing a crime.

And there are ongoing investigations being handled by the Department of Justice.

Senator Ratcliffe: Oh. Well, just forget I asked then.

Senator Sensenbrenner of WI: You’re no Kenneth Starr.

Mueller: Blow me.

Senator Chabot of OH: The American people didn’t read your report so they don’t know why the president should be impeached. And since they didn’t read it we don’t have to hold him accountable for anything.

Mueller: That’s not so much a question for me as it is a case for your own impeachment.

Senator Gohmert of TX: James Comey is your BFF and you’ll do anything for him. That is a direct quote from the Fox and Friends newsletter. How many times did you speak to Comey pertaining to the Russian investigation prior to May 2017?

Mueller: Zero.

Senator Gohmert: Zero?

Mueller: Yes, zero. I’m seventy five-motherfucking-years-old. I don’t have sleepovers with random colleagues where we have pillow fights and gossip into the wee hours of the night.
I go home. Have dinner with my wife around five. At seven, we watch Wheel Of Fortune while I drink a glass of Metamucil. I’m in bed by eight. At four o’clock in the morning, I get up and have a healthy bowel movement. Then I have a bowl of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran as part of a complete breakfast.

Senator Jim Jordan of OH: You charged all these people with lying to the FBI. But what about this Josef Misfud guy, huh? He lied to the FBI three times. And you didn’t charge him. I don’t know how this information helps the president, but I’m going to yell about it until my five minutes are up.


Senator Gaetz of FL: You wrote 3500 words about the June 9th Trump Tower Meeting and nothing about the Clinton Foundation.

Mueller: I wasn’t investigating the Clinton Foundation.

Senator Gaetz: Whatever. I ain’t trying to hear that.

Senator Ken Buck of CO: Can the president can be indicted once his term ends?

Mueller: Yes.

Senator Buck: Hold up. Wait a minute. Slow it down. Then spin it again. You’re saying the president can be indicted for obstruction of justice once he’s out of office?

Mueller: Yes. If you’ll allow me, I’ll read from the report. This is in Volume 2, Page 173, Paragraph 4. Quote:

Hold up, wait a minute
You just said that you the realest
You just said that you the illest
Killin' all your little villains
But I got this little feelin'
You ain't spittin' what you livin'
And if you are you might wanna quit it
You'll be endin' up in prison

End quote.

Senator Lesko of AZ: Fox News was only cited – something like – twelve times in this report. Why didn’t you get more information from Fox News?

Mueller: We interviewed Sean Hannity and didn’t find him to be a credible witness. If you’ll allow me, I’ll read from the report. This is in Volume 2, Page 57, Paragraph 6. Quote:

We asked Sean Hannity if he was aware of Trump Tower Moscow and he replied:

I can tell you President Trump didn’t break the law. I’m not aware of all the president’s business dealings, but why would I be? You know? I work at Fox News. We report. You decide.

We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blond
Who comes on at five
She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It's interesting when people die
Give us dirty laundry

Well, I could have been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry

So, there you go. You decide.”

End quote.

Senator Cline of VA: Why haven’t you charged Obama with obstruction of justice?

Mueller: I’m going to decline to answer due to the utter stupidity of the question.

Senator Steube of FL: I’m going to ask questions about ongoing cases you specifically stated you are unable to talk about and then get mad when you refuse to talk about them.

Mueller: You don't really need to find out what's going on. You don't really want to know just how far it's gone. Just leave well enough alone. Eat your dirty laundry.

Senator Armstrong of ND: Did you know some of your employees voted for Hillary Clinton? How is that fair?

Mueller: I’m going to decline to answer due to the utter stupidity of the question.


Senator Turner of OH: You wrote that this report does not exonerate President Trump. But exonerate is not a legal term. Therefore, the entire report is illegal. Your Honor, I recommend this case be thrown out of court.

Mueller: We’re not in a court. There is no judge.

Senator Turner: Shut up. I know the law. In preparation for this case, I watched five episodes of JAG – back to back. That’s known as binge-watching. Which is a legal term. You can look it up. You don’t have the power to exonerate anyone. Attorney General Barr doesn’t have the power to exonerate anyone – anymore than I have the power to equate watching TV with earning a law degree. Think you’re so smart. Tell us why you wrote that the report does not exonerate President Trump.

Mueller: I included that language because he may not know that he can’t be exonerated.

Senator Turner: You think Bill Barr doesn’t know that? Think you’re smarter than the attorney general, do ya?

Mueller: I think we both know I was talking about President Trump.

Senator Turner: Oh, so now you think you’re smarter than the president?

Mueller: Yes.


Senator Stewart of UT: Why were there so many leaks from your investigation? I have twenty five examples of leaks in a folder. I’m not going to list them or put them up on the screen because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s reputation. Not because I’m making it up or because this folder I’m indignantly waving around is empty.

Mueller: I’m not going to answer if you don’t show me what’s in the folder. You have my report. Come on. I showed you mine. You show me yours.

Senator Nunes of CA: We can do the innuendo. We can dance and sing. When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing. We all know that crap is king. Give us dirty laundry. This whole Russian interference is based on a rumor. I heard that from President Trump himself. And with that, I yield my time.

Senator Crawford of NE: I’m going to yield my time to Senator Nunes. He forgot to mention how Hillary Clinton colluded with the Russians and the president really wanted him to mention that.

Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry




Namaste, Bitches

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