Rebels With Numerous Causes

Every October the North Carolina State Fair rolls around and my friends ask if I'm going. I say no. They ask why. I tell them I'm not a seven-year-old. They tell me they go for the food. I tell them I don't want dirty carnie food. More importantly, I hate the fucking crowd. I don't like being shoulder to shoulder with people who make no attempt not to bump into me, or even apologize for doing so, while compulsively eating a giant turkey leg prepared by a dirty carnie.

Despite my passionate hatred of crowds, I, along with three of my friends, took part in the Moral March in Raleigh this past weekend. If you haven't yet taken part in a march, I recommend you do so because it was fucking awesome. People were super friendly and nice and they apologized for bumping into me.

Before the march began everyone gathered at the designated meeting spot, and for reasons I'm not totally clear on, we had to pray for a fucking hour. Reverend Barber was the main speaker so I expected a prayer, but representatives for every religion spoke and they each opened with a prayer. I'm sure at some point even God was like, “Jesus Christ, I heard you the first time.” If I have to pick a favorite prayer, I'm going with the rabbi. He opened with, “Shabbat Shalom, y'all.” That was hard to top.

I've been making the point for a while that Trump and all the “American Carnage” that comes with him is a bigger, crazier, deadlier issue than the regular conservative versus liberal bullshit. To my delight, one of the religious leaders made the same point during his prayer/speech. It may have been the Buddhist. I don't remember and I was too far back in the crowd to see him. Anyway, the Buddhist, or perhaps, the Wiccan said, “This is about right and wrong.”  To move through the crowd, people had to cut through a small triangular patch of flowers. I noticed people were stepping into the dirt on their tippy toes so as not to trample the flowers. When you're with people who won't trample flowers to get to a Porta Potty, you know you're on the right side.

Once the prayer/speeches ended, the march began. It's hard to gauge how big a crowd is when you're in the middle of it. I later learned thousands of people attended, which explains why there was a lot of waiting around for our turn to march. While waiting, we read signs, took pictures and chatted with strangers. At one point an old hippie lady pet my hair, which was creepy and yet, oddly soothing.

Listening to other people's conversations, which is not eavesdropping when you're in a crowd, was also quite amusing. (I have a friend who calls eavesdropping, ear hustling. I don't know if that is a phrase in widespread usage, but I think it should be.) The ladies behind me were discussing Saturday Night Live. One was explaining to the other how she had to go home and take a nap so she could get up to watch the show later. I was tempted to explain how the DVR, Hulu, YouTube and the NBC app made it possible to watch SNL without disrupting her normal sleeping patterns. However, I realized it would be like explaining the same thing to my mother who doesn't, “do computer,” and thought better of it.

Finally, it was our turn to march. A little tip on protest marching, don't lose your friends. We worked out a little “Marco Polo” routine to find each other should we get separated. But don't use that. If everyone is playing “Marco Polo,” I'll have no way of knowing which “Polo” is my friend or the weird hippie lady who wants to pet my hair. Please use your own friend finding game, perhaps, “Hot Potato, Cold Potato.”

Apparently, chanting is an important part of protest marching. There were a few chants where one person yelled the first line and the crowd yelled the second line. For these it may be useful to bring cheerleaders or former cheerleaders to your march. A few examples of these are:

Cheerleader: Forward Together!

Crowd: Not One Step Back!

Cheerleader: Tell Me What Democracy Looks Like!

Crowd: This Is What Democracy Looks Like!

There were also several chants that are versatile, which is quite important when protesting so many policies. A few examples of these are:

No Hate! No Fear!

Immigrants Are Welcome Here!

Or:

No Hate! No Fear!

Muslims Are Welcome Here!

Simply enter the name of any group currently being banned by the Trump administration whom you deem welcome here.

Another good versatile chant is the “Hey, Hey. Ho, Ho” one. Again, simply enter the name of any person, group or policy you believe has got to go.

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho!

Donald Trump Has Got To Go!

Or:

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho!

HB2 Has Got To Go!

We chanted and marched until we got as close to the Capital as we could, which turned out to be three blocks away because thousands of people showed up. We weren't close enough to hear the speeches so my friends and I moved to a side street to watch the other marchers. Shout out to the good people of the Subway restaurant on that corner for allowing so many of us to use your restroom without making a purchase. That was way cool of you.

So we're hanging out when along come four old men with drums and one woman with a wood block. They move to the middle of this street and start drumming it up. They're at it for a while when the coolest chick in the world shows up. She lays her purse and jacket by the curb, then runs out into the middle of the street and starts dancing by herself. Everyone cheers her on and she's at it for several minutes before a tall, skinny, white guy decides to join her. (You may wonder why I chose to point out this guy was white. I will tell you. I'm a white woman. I've danced with many white men in my life. White men are typically poor dancers. They are stiff and awkward. It's like dancing with fucking Frankenstein.) To my surprise, this tall, gangly, white guy was a pretty good dancer.

More people started joining in and before we knew it, the street was filled with people dancing. Men, women, babies, everyone was feeling the groove. Literally, babies were dancing in the street. Another old hippie lady joined in with a tambourine.  A horn section arrived seemingly out of nowhere. I say, seemingly out of nowhere, because I didn't see them arrive. They started playing along with the drummers, the one woman with a wood block and the hippie lady with a tambourine. One of the horn players had a purple trombone. That is the only time I've thought of a trombone as cool.

All this spontaneous music and dancing in the street made me feel like I was in an episode of Fame. As a matter of fact, I'm going on eBay to find a pair of Fame leg warmers like I had when I was a kid. I'm totally wearing them to the next march. 

After about ten or fifteen minutes, the music stopped and everyone hugged the coolest chick in the world. No one touched her purse, which was laying by the curb the whole time. After hugging the coolest chick in the world and resisting the temptation to steal her purse, everyone went their separate ways. Presumably to have lunch. Because that's what my friends and I did. Also, it was noon.

Trumptards have been criticizing these protests by saying we're protesting everything. To that I say, no shit because everything they're doing is so clearly fucked up and evil. As I looked at all the signs Saturday, it's true we have a lot of causes, but every one of them is a battle worth waging. I shall now list some of the most important causes and what makes them so urgent:

Cause: The travel/Muslim ban.

Urgency: Every time a judge rules against it, an angel gets his wings.

Cause: Twenty-six billion dollar wall on the southern border.

Urgency: Mexico isn't paying for that stupid wall and I don't have a single billion to spare.

Cause: Deportation raids that separate mothers from their children.

Urgency: Who's taking care of these babies?

Cause: Abortion ban.

Urgency: Who's taking care of these babies?

Cause: Defunding of Planned Parenthood.

Urgency: My uterus yearns to be free.

Cause: Pussy grabbing.

Urgency: Fuck you.

Cause: Obamacare.

Urgency: Four out five doctors recommend it. 

Cause: HB2

Urgency: Holding it in isn't healthy.

Cause: Gerrymandering

Urgency: People getting fucked up the ass by gerrymandering don't know the definition of gerrymandering.

Cause: Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos

Urgency: See Gerrymandering.

Cause: Legalization of Marijuana

Urgency: None.

Yeah, so, there was a group carrying “Legalize It” signs at the march. While I'm on their side, we really don't have time for this right now. There is a valid point to be made that people are getting ridiculous sentences for possession of weed. But it is legal in some states. So if you can't go without smoking, maybe move to one of those states while we're working through the Trumpocalypse.

My pothead friends, I promise we'll get back to you just as soon as all this other shit is over.  For now, be cool.

Namaste, Bitches

You Probably Think This Song is About You - Part 2 Hear Me Roar

On Saturday, January 21, 2017, nasty women around the world woke up and said, "Oh. It's on, motherfucker."  Women's marches were held in every state, in over fifty countries and on every continent.  It's estimated over three million women demonstrated and another two million held their purses. The ghost of Susan B. Anthony said, "That's the shit."

It was a truly awesome sauce day for nasty women and the men who love them.  It was an even better day for knitters who finally had their work appreciated in a cool, non-grandma, type way.  And it was the best day to listen to reporters try not to say the word pussy.  My personal favorite came from NBC.  I can't remember the reporter's name and he should thank me for forgetting it. Unknown reporter said he couldn't show the signs on TV because they contained "words of the female kitten variety."  The ghost of Walter Cronkite said, "Not too quick on your feet. Are ya, sport?"

There was no looting, no known arrests and no violence.  I find the lack of violence especially amazing when you consider the bathroom situation.  Imagine how long it must have taken to get to a bathroom with hundreds of thousands of women crowded together on the streets.  Then you finally find a bathroom and the line is insane.  You've been drinking coffee and water all morning because you had a long trip to get to the long march.  You have got to go, dammit.  The public restroom situation sucks for women.  Every woman has a crucial breaking point where she can wait no longer and will smack a bitch to get in that stall.  As a woman, I find it inspiring that not a single bitch was smacked.

The day was not without some controversy as the people who believe the Jackass in the White House belongs in the White House struggled to understand what was happening.  I shall try to respond to some of their concerns.

Kellyanne Conway said she didn't understand the point of it.  Kellyanne, I'd like to offer you an alternative fact and say you do understand the point of it.  

The Jackass in the White House tweeted the following:  Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn't these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.  

Okay, Jackass, I know you believe Hillary Clinton flew in three million immigrants on Election Day to not vote in swing states, but... no.  The majority of Americans didn't vote for you.  We don't want you. 

And as far as celebs hurting causes...

Couldn't. Agree. More.

Michael Flynn, Jr. tweeted this: Women already have equal rights, and YES equal pay in this country.  What MORE do you want? Free mani/pedis?

 

First, yes, of course, we want free mani/pedis.  These women were on their feet all day.  A free pedicure is the least you could do.  Second, fuck you and your caps lock.  I can't even afford a decent mani/pedi on what I make.  Third, please explain equal rights to Newt Gingrich because he's trying to have Madonna arrested for exercising her First Amendment right to free speech.  And fuck you both for making me defend Madonna.

While we're on the subject of celebrities, Ashley Judd is now my favorite Judd.  Although, I don't think I had a favorite Judd before.  I guess if I'm going to rank them, it's Ashley Judd, Naomi Judd, Judd Nelson, Judd Hirsch and Wynonna.  

Cher was supposed to speak in D.C., but she couldn't get through the crowd.  Cher later released a statement which read, "If I could turn back time, I would have arrived earlier."  

The ghost of Sonny Bono said, "I don't get you, babe.  Come on.  Congressman Sonny Bono. You should have been better prepared for this." 

Meanwhile at the White House, it was reported the Jackass in the White House was listening to the hundreds of thousands of women protesting outside the White House and totally losing his shit about it.  He could also hear the ghost of Richard Nixon laughing maniacally and saying something about not having Nixon to kick around anymore.  

In an attempt to divert attention away from the protestors, the Jackass decided to meet with the C.I.A. and tell them how many times he'd been on the cover of TIME.  For the record, it was fifteen, which he thinks is a record.  It's not.  

The ghost of Richard Nixon laughed maniacally and said, "I hold the record.  I was on the cover fifty-five times.  And I got to meet Elvis.  Suck on that."

The ghost of Elvis said, "Man, I was high."

The Jackass was pissed to realize no one found his non-record of TIME covers impressive enough to distract from the millions of people protesting around the world.  So he had the great idea of making his press secretary, Sean Spicer, yell at reporters for reporting.  

CNN chose not to go live with Sean Spicer's statement and continued their coverage of the protests instead.  The Jackass in the White House got his panties all in a wad as he didn't understand the worldwide appeal of millions of women protesting.

The ghost of Nellie Bly explained, "It's a movement the likes of which nobody has seen."

The ghost of Susan B. Anthony said, "Burn."  

Namaste, Bitches

You Probably Think This Song is About You

  

On Friday, January 20, 2017, we witnessed a truly historic moment.  A moment which will be discussed and debated for years to come.  We will all remember where we were when we first saw Kellyanne Conway's outfit.  

A picture of my aunt in her high school majorette uniform immediately came to mind.  My aunt foolishly told me she is still in possession of her fire baton.  I then made the reasonable request that she light it up and allow me to film her doing her awesome fire baton routine.  We'd put it on YouTube and show Kellyanne how real fifty-year-old majorettes get it done.  Unfortunately, my aunt selfishly refused to singe her eyebrows for my amusement. 

Fifty-year-old majorettes aren't the only gift Kellyanne gave us this weekend.  This very morning I learned all about "alternative facts" by watching Kellyanne on Meet The Press.  Oh, Kellyanne, you bring me such joy.  "Alternative facts" are fucking awesome.  You'll see.  I shall now write about the inauguration with the use of "alternative facts." 

I, Donna Troy, am not only a blog writer.  I am also a psychic medium. Alternative Fact. Several deceased historical figures shared their thoughts about the new president with me.  No dead president is happier about what went down this weekend than one Richard M. Nixon.  I seriously couldn't shut him up.  Not that I blame him.  Literally, one day of 45's presidency made Nixon seem like a much more likeable guy.

The day began with the Obamas graciously welcoming 45 and that nude model to the White House.  That nude model presented Michelle Obama with a Tiffany's box presumably containing a "help me" note.  That nude model was actually dressed quite elegantly.  The ghost of Jackie Kennedy said, "Bitch stole my look."  That nude model tried to run away, but the Secret Service caught her in time for the photo shoot.  Alternative Fact.

Meanwhile, back at Inauguration Station, dignitaries arrived. As former presidents and vice presidents took their seats, my heart ached for what once was and what is about to be.  Then I saw Dan Quayle and I remembered that time the former vice president got into a fight with the fictional TV character, Murphy Brown. Actual Fact. 

I didn't care much for George W. Bush as president, but I get quite a kick out of him now.  I think it's because he always looks so chipper and carefree in moments that are neither chipper nor carefree.  Also, he got stuck in a poncho during the inaugural address.  Anyway, George W. Bush showed up looking all chipper and carefree.  He practically danced to his seat.  Not that I blame him.  Literally, one day of 45's presidency made Bush seem like a much more likeable guy.  The ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Wipe that goofy grin off your face, jackass.  This is my moment."

Jimmy Carter arrived and, to everyone's joy and relief, he announced his plan to run for president in 2020 at the age of 96.  Alternative Fact.  It was noted President Carter flew coach from Georgia to D.C.  The ghost of Richard Nixon called him a cheap bastard.  Not cool, Nixon.

Jimmy Carter makes me think of Billy Carter, which makes me wonder why we never see or hear from 45's three siblings.  I decided to do some digging and discovered the CIA is actively investigating the disappearance of the siblings.  Alternative Fact.  Oh, and Russia is probably involved. 

The Clintons joined the Carters and the Bushes.  Hillary carried herself with grace and dignity while the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt wept.  

The ghost of Geraldine Ferraro had a message for the Hillary haters:  "If 45 had won the popular vote by three million votes and lost the election, he'd be live tweeting about how totally unfair this is.  So, shut the fuck up or I will fucking haunt your dreams." 

The ghost of Betty Ford said, "I need a drink."

Even the ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Yeah, give Hillary a break.  Everyone talks about Watergate, but no one remembers how I graciously conceded to Kennedy even though there was suspicion of vote tampering."

The ghost of JFK said, "Prove it."

Then the ghost of Eisenhower said, "Shut up, Dick.  You only conceded because I told you to."  And Nixon was all like, "You never supported me."  And they got all into it and I had to tune them out.

This was followed by the absurd procession of 45's children.  If you're wondering if it's tradition to announce the children of the incoming president, it's not.  Looking especially tense and creepier than normal was 45 Junior.  Sensing something was up, I decided to do some digging and discovered Junior had been "forced" to murder one of Putin's enemies shortly before the ceremony. Alternative Fact.  It should also be noted all four of 45's adult children completely ignored their ten-year-old brother while his parents were otherwise engaged. 

The Bidens and the Obamas walked onto the stage and America cried. At least, the smarter parts of America cried.  The crowd chanted, "Eight more years!  Eight more years!"  Alternative Fact.  

Then the sky grew dark and Mike Pence made his way to the podium.  He made it a point to walk over to Hillary Clinton and shake her hand.  Even for an asshole, it was a classy move. 

Finally, the moment we'd all been dreading, thunder roared, lightning filled the sky and 45 appeared.  The crowd chanted, "Hill-a-ry!  Hill-a-ry!"  Alternative Fact.  It should be noted 45 made no attempt to shake Hillary's hand.  It was a classless move.

Sexual predator and Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas swore in Mike Pence.  Pence took the oath of office using Ronald Reagan's family Bible.  The ghost of Ronald Reagan said, "Leave me out of this."

Supreme Court Chief Justice, John Roberts swore in 45.  Forty-Five took the oath of office using his own Bible, his own Bible being a copy of The Art of The Deal, and Lincoln's Bible.  The ghost of Abe Lincoln said, "Motherfucker, don't touch my shit!" 

What followed can only be described as the worst inaugural address in the history of inaugurations and addresses.  The speech can be summed up with a few phrases and the facial expressions of George W. Bush.

"This is an historic movement the likes of which nobody has ever seen before.  Inner cities.  Education system flushed with cash.  Gangs, crimes, drugs.  American carnage.  Fucking foreigners.  America first.  I will completely eradicate from the earth radical Islamic terrorism."

"Have no fear.  We are protected by God."

"With malice toward all and charity toward none, make America great again."

The ghosts of all thirty-eight dead presidents said, "What. The. Fuck."

The ghost of Betty Ford said, "I need a drink."

The ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Can someone get Betty a drink?"

The crowd that had gathered on the National Mall booed. Alternative Fact.  Also, my data shows the number of people gathered on the National Mall to be exactly seventeen and a half.  Alternative Fact.

Later that evening, 45 had three balls.  At the Armed Services Ball, he and that nude model danced to I Will Always Love You.  First, that's a weird fucking song choice.  It's a break up song.  Second, I hope he is haunted by the ghost of Whitney Houston.  Third, I hope he is sued by the living Dolly Parton.

At the other two balls, 45 and that nude model danced to My Way.  The ghost of Frank Sinatra said, "Motherfucker, this song ain't about you."

Coming soon:  You Probably Think This Song is About You Part II:  Hear Me Roar

Namaste, Bitches