The No-Reilly Factor

I hate it when I'm forced to defend Megyn Kelly. Like when Trump said she had blood coming out of her “wherever” because she dared ask him about his abhorrent comments toward women. I had to defend her because she was right and Trump is a douche bag. But it pained me so to do it. Because Megyn Kelly once thought it newsworthy to devote a segment of her program to arguing the case that Santa Claus is Caucasian. Which then caused me and my co-workers to joke about it. Which then prompted The Most Annoying Person on Earth to come running down the hall to defend the merits of Megyn Kelly. The Most Annoying Person on Earth was met with laughter. He didn't take it well.

For the rest of the day I was accosted with emails containing links to Wikipedia pages proving Saint Nicholas was a real person and Megyn Kelly knows whereof she speaks. I tried to ignore The Most Annoying Person on Earth, but he was relentless as one would expect The Most Annoying Person on Earth to be. I finally told The Most Annoying Person on Earth that, yes, everyone knows there was a real Saint Nicholas. However, he did not have a flying sleigh and magic reindeer. So you and Megyn Kelly are arguing about a fictional character and being super racist about it. The Most Annoying Person on Earth didn't speak to me for a week and it was lovely.

It may be worth noting The Most Annoying Person on Earth is gay. He is in an interracial relationship. He is republican. One of these things is not like the others.

I also hate it when I have to defend Megyn Kelly because I watched her interview the Duggars. The Duggers are the super creepy parents from 19 Kids and Counting whose son molested his younger sisters. Megyn Kelly seemed to think Josh Duggar, the incestuous molester, was the victim because Jesus or something. Megyn Kelly also thought it was no big deal because the girls were asleep whilst being molested. And I guess being asleep means they were less violated...?

While we're on the subject of molesting unconscious women, I can't help but notice the hypocrisy from Fox News when one considers the way they sunk their teeth into the Cosby story with rapturous glee. Yet, when some pasty Jesus freak molests unconscious women it's okay.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Fox News:

Dear Fox and/or Friends,

Molesting unconscious women is always wrong. Not just when a black guy does it.

Yours Truly,

Donna Troy

To be clear, under no circumstances am I defending Bill Cosby. He's totally guilty by his own admission. I feel no pity for him. I don't care what happens to him. And I will never do Picture Pages with him again. I'm simply pointing out Fox News is super racist.

Which brings me back to defending Megyn Kelly and my hatred of doing so. Megyn Kelly recently left Fox News after alleging Roger Ailes sexually harassed her as he did so many others. Bill O'Reilly felt obligated to defend his fellow pervert and said to Megyn Kelly, “Shut up and take it, slut.” Or something to the effect. 

 

Fuck America for making me defend Megyn Kelly. Of course, she was sexually harassed by Roger Ailes. The man wouldn't even let her have sleeves for Christ's sake. Not even in winter. She would have been doing the news topless if Roger Ailes could have gotten it past the censors. Megyn Kelly is racist. She defends child molesters and she spells Megyn with a “y,” which is just stupid. But even Megyn Kelly deserves sleeves. 

 

This brings me to Bill O'Reilly and his deplorable treatment of all the other sleeveless women at Fox News. Fox News has fired Bill O'Reilly for being obnoxious and creepy. Which is strange because they were paying him eighteen million dollars a year to be obnoxious and creepy. Fox also paid thirteen million dollars in hush money to sleeveless women who were not willing to shut up and take it as directed by Bill O'Reilly.

The axing of Bill O'Reilly has filled some with the hope that society will no longer tolerate the sexual harassment/abuse of women. Fox News deserves no credit because they tried to hide it and only fired Bill because advertisers pulled from his show. Advertisers like the good people at Orkin who just killed the biggest pest of all. Also, Fox News helped Donald Trump become president. And Donald Trump was caught on tape admitting to grabbing pussy without the expressed consent of the pussy owner.

If you or someone you know was a fan/cult member of The O'Reilly Factor who is having trouble coping now that your supreme leader has turned out to be a pervert, I can help. Identifying perverts is relatively easy once you know the signs. For example, let's say someone is a leader in the “family values” movement and has declared himself the moral arbiter of a nation. The person may have even written a book titled, Old School, in which he writes about how life was better in the good old days. The days before sexual harrassment was a thing when sluts just shut up and took it. This person is probably a creeper. The family values people are always creepers.

(For more examples on family values creepers see: Bill Cosby, Josh Duggar, Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker, Newt Gingrich, Rudy Guiliani, John Edwards, Strom Thurmond, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Sanford, and Sean Hannity. If you're wondering what Sean Hannity has done, see Donald Trump.)

Another sign of a creeper is their tendency to tell obvious lies. For example, let's say someone of some fame and stature has been accused of being sexually inappropriate with co-workers. And then this person of some fame and stature says he's innocent and these sleeveless women are only coming after him because he's rich and famous. You know he's lying. And you know he's lying because some of the sleeveless women recorded him jacking it to their bare arms. And the “jacking it” tapes have been public knowledge for a decade.

They lie about things other than jacking it, of course. Bill O'Reilly has “written” a series of horrible books about murdered historical figures, which he has called The Killing Series. The series includes such titles as: Killing Lincoln, Killing Kennedy, Killing Jesus, and Killing Reagan. Reagan wasn't murdered. You knew that before you bought the book. Also, stop buying his books. I know you're not reading them because Fox News viewers don't read. If they did, they'd stop watching Fox News. If you're insistent upon wasting your money on shit you don't use, please check out my sponsor's website.

The final obvious sign of a creeper is anger. All creepers have anger issues. For example, let's say someone who fancies himself a respected journalist has a segment on his show devoted to calling people pinheads. He's probably a creeper with anger issues. They tend to have anger issues because they can't come up with clever insults. They're always on the ass end of an argument because pinhead is the best they can do. All that anger builds up and they take it out on people in vulnerable positions. Like when the video surfaced of Bill O'Reilly screaming at crew members when he was the host of Inside Edition, or Access Hollywood, or Dance Party USA, or whatever the fuck it was.

Or the time Bill O'Reilly shouted threats of violence at the son of a 9/11 victim because the guy had the audacity to advocate for peace. Because there is no room for peace in the “No Spin Zone.” Bill O'Reilly told this guy to shut up and screamed for his crew to cut the guy's mic. O'Reilly did that whole mic cutting thing a lot when he got mad. Probably because he's incapable of winning an argument due to his inability to deliver witty insults.

There is also the time Bill O'Reilly had sleeveless women fired from Fox News because they weren't cool with him jacking it to their bare arms.

Fans/cult members of Bill O'Reilly, I know the loss of your supreme leader is heartbreaking for you. It's like some bitch told you it doesn't matter if Santa Clause is white or black because he's a fictional character and you're being super racist. You liked Bill because he told you what you wanted to hear. Even though some bitch has been telling you O'Reilly was an angry, lying creeper for years, but you didn't want to hear it. Now, you must walk unprepared into the real world where Santa Claus can be black and women can have sleeves. You will wallow in despair while some bitch laughs at you with smug satisfaction. And to that I say, “Shut up and take it, slut.”

Namaste, Bitches

The Art of Repeal

After years of pissing and moaning about Obamacare, republicans finally had their chance to do something about it. They quickly learned that all the time spent pissing and moaning could have been put to better use. Because they had no healthcare plan. So Donald Trump and Paul Ryan threw some random, half-ass shit together like a Trump casino. And it failed like a Trump casino, big league.  

You may be wondering how this random, half-ass bill came to be. Well, wonder no longer. Through my super special, top secret contacts, or Russian hackers, I was able to get a copy of Donald Trump's diary. Please enjoy the following excerpt.

The Diary of @real Donald J. Trump 

March 26, 2017

Hello Diary,

This is Donald J. Trump, business man, billionaire and 45^th President of the United States. Husband to Melania and father of Ivanka and others.

It's been a very tough week, Diary. One of the toughest. The fake news keeps talking about Russia. Russia, Russia, Russia. Who cares about Russia? Look, maybe I have a deal with Putin, maybe I don't. I'm the president. I should be able to have private deals with foreign leaders that no one knows about. Hillary Clinton had a private email server and no one made a big deal about that. In a certain way, I kind of miss Hillary Clinton, Diary. Running for president was a lot easier than being president. That I can tell you.

Not only do I have to deal with all this Russia talk, but Paul Ryan pulled our healthcare bill because he said we didn't have enough votes to pass it. I said to him, “Peter, look, I can get the votes. I'm one of the great negotiators. I told the House members they vote yes or they're fired in 2018. He said to me, “My name is Paul, not Peter.” And I said to him, “Oh, yeah? Well I'm the President and you're not - Peter.” Then he told me I can't fire members of Congress. What am I? An idiot? I know I can't “fire” them, but to a certain extent, I can. Say, for example, a certain House Member – we'll call him Peter Ryan – say Peter Ryan wants to vote against my healthcare bill. I explain to Peter Ryan that he leaves me no choice, but to Tweet about the FBI investigation of Peter Ryan's involvement in the Jared, The Subway Guy scandal. Sad! Peter Ryan says that won't work. It's not true. Wrong! This is how it works. Some stupid reporter asks the FBI if my Tweet is true. Maybe the FBI says they can neither confirm nor deny this story. Maybe the FBI says it's not true. Doesn't matter. The story is already out there and people believe it. Say some reporter asks me where I got this information. I say I read it some place. They ask where. I say, “I don't know. You people are the ones who write this stuff.” 

Now, the single most important thing here is the American people believe my Tweet. Peter Ryan is up for re-election in 2018, but people can't get the Subway creep out of their minds. Peter Ryan loses and the guy I paid to run against him wins. Now, does Peter Ryan want to vote for my healthcare bill or does he want the entire country to think he's into twelve-year olds? Right. Peter Ryan votes for my bill. Then, in 2018, I “leak” the Subway story anyway. Look, I need people in Congress who pass my bills without giving me a hard time.

You see, Diary, this is how I became president. This is what the fake news media doesn't understand. The American people are very, very – a lot like me, okay, Diary. They don't want to read anything longer than a Tweet. They don't want to watch a whole news program. Who has time for that? I don't have time for that. All I need to hear is the headlines and I base all my decisions off a headline. I understand things better than anyone. And the American people understand that I understand. And what they're learning is – they want to be like Trump. That I can tell you. 

All my tax returns for the last 40 years could be leaked. That should be a total disaster because I've only paid, like $15 in federal taxes. Perhaps, maybe, I send out a Tweet saying, “The FAKE NEWS got it wrong again. SAD! Those are Don Jr.'s tax returns. Lawsuit coming.” Then I do an interview with Bill O'Reilly. Great guy, Bill. We've been friends for many, many years. Bill says to me, “Mr. President, how could Don Jr. have 40 years of tax returns when he is only 39 years old?” I say to him, I say, “I don't know, Bill. But that's Don Jr.'s name on those tax returns. That I can tell you. Perhaps, they're fakes. I don't know where this stuff comes from.” And truthfully, Diary, I've been filing all my tax returns under Don Jr.'s name for years. That's a tip I give to people starting out in business. Always name a kid after you. Boy, is he gonna be screwed if we ever do get audited. 

Anyway, healthcare. Boy, do I hate wasting my time on healthcare. A great leader delegates and I'm one of the great, great leaders. So, I told Peter Ryan and whoever to work on a healthcare bill and I told them to get it done fast. We need to repeal and replace the disaster known as Obamacare so we can move on to things I want to do. I couldn't believe it, Diary. Could not believe it. Peter Ryan actually said to me, “But, Mr. President, healthcare is really complicated. We need time to negotiate-” I stopped him right there. I said, “Complicated. Get the hell out of here with complicated. It's really very simple. Who's struggling with Obamacare? The insurance companies are who is struggling with Obamacare. You talk to the insurance companies, find out their needs, then write a healthcare bill around that. I don't want to hear any of this 'Oh, but, Mr. Trump, we need more time.' I'm on a very, very tight schedule. Who knows how long I'm going to be here? Could be four years. Could be four months. Who knows?” 

So, Peter Ryan and whoever else was working on this come back to me two weeks later with a healthcare bill. Can you believe this, Diary? They spent two whole weeks on healthcare. What the hell took two weeks? I said to Peter Ryan, “What am I paying you for?” He said to me, “You're not paying me.” What a moron. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I said to him, “Who do you think signs the paychecks around here? I'm the president.” He didn't say anything. Not one word. Just shook his head. Idiot.

Anyway, Peter Ryan tells me they want to increase premiums for the elderly. Makes sense. The elderly are always getting sick. They've had their whole lives to get healthy. If they didn't do it, that's their problem. Look at me. I'm 70 and my gastroenterologist says I'm the healthiest president in the history of America. Ever. Peter Ryan says to me we might get some resistance because a lot of elderly people don't have that kind of money. I said, “You've got to be kidding me. Elderly people should have more money than anyone. They've had an entire lifetime of making money. Some of the richest people I know - all my friends are elderly and they have lots and lots of money. Not buying it, Peter. We're raising premiums on the elderly. It's done. What else?”

Peter Ryan says they want to eliminate, maternity leave, prenatal care and pediatric care. Makes sense to me. Babies should be the healthiest people of all. They haven't had a whole lifetime of getting sick. Peter Ryan says the democrats will fight it. Give me a break, democrats. One minute you're pro-choice, ripping babies right out of the mothers' wombs and the next minute you want healthcare for fetuses. Make up your mind, democrats. I told Peter Ryan, I said, “I have five kids and I've never once taken them to the doctor.” Peter Ryan says to me, “I'm sure someone did.” I said, “I don't know about that, but I sure didn't.”

This went on for like two hours. Could not believe it, Diary. Two hours talking about healthcare. I finally got so bored I just said yes to everything. And, as it turns out, we came up with a great, great healthcare plan. One of the best. We cut the wasteful spending on hospitalization, outpatient services, emergency services, preventative care and addiction and mental health treatment. We also gave 24 million Americans the option of not having healthcare if they can't pay for it. In a sense, we were giving them their pride back. The disaster known as Obamacare - and all the “so-called” bleeding heart liberals behind it - singled out poor people. These people must have felt like bums this whole time. 

Then Peter Ryan says to me, he says, “How are we going to sell this? There is no healthcare left in the healthcare bill.” I said, “Sure there is. Sure there's healthcare. It's like, you go to the doctor and the part where the nurse takes you back and weighs you and takes your temperature and your blood pressure. That's healthcare now. It's all anyone really needs anyway. Let me tell you something, Peter Parker, healthcare is a total fraud. A complete and total fraud. If people needed healthcare so bad how did I raise 4 healthy kids without ever, not once, taking them to the doctor? Answer me that.” And Peter Parker says to me, “You have 5 kids.” I said, “I know that. I said 5 kids.” But honestly, Diary, sometimes I forget about Tiffany. What a total mistake that was. She wouldn't even be here if republicans were pro-choice. I definitely never took that one to the doctor. That I can tell you. Marla only got pregnant so she'd have her hands in my money for the rest of her life. Ay-yay-yay, I shouldn't have married that one. And, truthfully, I only did it to piss off Ivana. Speaking of Ivana, I'm giving Ivanka an office in the White House. She, along with former Celebrity Apprentice champion, Piers Morgan, are going to be my eyes and ears. They will report back to me. And remember, somebody will be fired. I'm looking at you, Peter Piper.

Namaste, Bitches

Rebels With Numerous Causes

Every October the North Carolina State Fair rolls around and my friends ask if I'm going. I say no. They ask why. I tell them I'm not a seven-year-old. They tell me they go for the food. I tell them I don't want dirty carnie food. More importantly, I hate the fucking crowd. I don't like being shoulder to shoulder with people who make no attempt not to bump into me, or even apologize for doing so, while compulsively eating a giant turkey leg prepared by a dirty carnie.

Despite my passionate hatred of crowds, I, along with three of my friends, took part in the Moral March in Raleigh this past weekend. If you haven't yet taken part in a march, I recommend you do so because it was fucking awesome. People were super friendly and nice and they apologized for bumping into me.

Before the march began everyone gathered at the designated meeting spot, and for reasons I'm not totally clear on, we had to pray for a fucking hour. Reverend Barber was the main speaker so I expected a prayer, but representatives for every religion spoke and they each opened with a prayer. I'm sure at some point even God was like, “Jesus Christ, I heard you the first time.” If I have to pick a favorite prayer, I'm going with the rabbi. He opened with, “Shabbat Shalom, y'all.” That was hard to top.

I've been making the point for a while that Trump and all the “American Carnage” that comes with him is a bigger, crazier, deadlier issue than the regular conservative versus liberal bullshit. To my delight, one of the religious leaders made the same point during his prayer/speech. It may have been the Buddhist. I don't remember and I was too far back in the crowd to see him. Anyway, the Buddhist, or perhaps, the Wiccan said, “This is about right and wrong.”  To move through the crowd, people had to cut through a small triangular patch of flowers. I noticed people were stepping into the dirt on their tippy toes so as not to trample the flowers. When you're with people who won't trample flowers to get to a Porta Potty, you know you're on the right side.

Once the prayer/speeches ended, the march began. It's hard to gauge how big a crowd is when you're in the middle of it. I later learned thousands of people attended, which explains why there was a lot of waiting around for our turn to march. While waiting, we read signs, took pictures and chatted with strangers. At one point an old hippie lady pet my hair, which was creepy and yet, oddly soothing.

Listening to other people's conversations, which is not eavesdropping when you're in a crowd, was also quite amusing. (I have a friend who calls eavesdropping, ear hustling. I don't know if that is a phrase in widespread usage, but I think it should be.) The ladies behind me were discussing Saturday Night Live. One was explaining to the other how she had to go home and take a nap so she could get up to watch the show later. I was tempted to explain how the DVR, Hulu, YouTube and the NBC app made it possible to watch SNL without disrupting her normal sleeping patterns. However, I realized it would be like explaining the same thing to my mother who doesn't, “do computer,” and thought better of it.

Finally, it was our turn to march. A little tip on protest marching, don't lose your friends. We worked out a little “Marco Polo” routine to find each other should we get separated. But don't use that. If everyone is playing “Marco Polo,” I'll have no way of knowing which “Polo” is my friend or the weird hippie lady who wants to pet my hair. Please use your own friend finding game, perhaps, “Hot Potato, Cold Potato.”

Apparently, chanting is an important part of protest marching. There were a few chants where one person yelled the first line and the crowd yelled the second line. For these it may be useful to bring cheerleaders or former cheerleaders to your march. A few examples of these are:

Cheerleader: Forward Together!

Crowd: Not One Step Back!

Cheerleader: Tell Me What Democracy Looks Like!

Crowd: This Is What Democracy Looks Like!

There were also several chants that are versatile, which is quite important when protesting so many policies. A few examples of these are:

No Hate! No Fear!

Immigrants Are Welcome Here!

Or:

No Hate! No Fear!

Muslims Are Welcome Here!

Simply enter the name of any group currently being banned by the Trump administration whom you deem welcome here.

Another good versatile chant is the “Hey, Hey. Ho, Ho” one. Again, simply enter the name of any person, group or policy you believe has got to go.

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho!

Donald Trump Has Got To Go!

Or:

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho!

HB2 Has Got To Go!

We chanted and marched until we got as close to the Capital as we could, which turned out to be three blocks away because thousands of people showed up. We weren't close enough to hear the speeches so my friends and I moved to a side street to watch the other marchers. Shout out to the good people of the Subway restaurant on that corner for allowing so many of us to use your restroom without making a purchase. That was way cool of you.

So we're hanging out when along come four old men with drums and one woman with a wood block. They move to the middle of this street and start drumming it up. They're at it for a while when the coolest chick in the world shows up. She lays her purse and jacket by the curb, then runs out into the middle of the street and starts dancing by herself. Everyone cheers her on and she's at it for several minutes before a tall, skinny, white guy decides to join her. (You may wonder why I chose to point out this guy was white. I will tell you. I'm a white woman. I've danced with many white men in my life. White men are typically poor dancers. They are stiff and awkward. It's like dancing with fucking Frankenstein.) To my surprise, this tall, gangly, white guy was a pretty good dancer.

More people started joining in and before we knew it, the street was filled with people dancing. Men, women, babies, everyone was feeling the groove. Literally, babies were dancing in the street. Another old hippie lady joined in with a tambourine.  A horn section arrived seemingly out of nowhere. I say, seemingly out of nowhere, because I didn't see them arrive. They started playing along with the drummers, the one woman with a wood block and the hippie lady with a tambourine. One of the horn players had a purple trombone. That is the only time I've thought of a trombone as cool.

All this spontaneous music and dancing in the street made me feel like I was in an episode of Fame. As a matter of fact, I'm going on eBay to find a pair of Fame leg warmers like I had when I was a kid. I'm totally wearing them to the next march. 

After about ten or fifteen minutes, the music stopped and everyone hugged the coolest chick in the world. No one touched her purse, which was laying by the curb the whole time. After hugging the coolest chick in the world and resisting the temptation to steal her purse, everyone went their separate ways. Presumably to have lunch. Because that's what my friends and I did. Also, it was noon.

Trumptards have been criticizing these protests by saying we're protesting everything. To that I say, no shit because everything they're doing is so clearly fucked up and evil. As I looked at all the signs Saturday, it's true we have a lot of causes, but every one of them is a battle worth waging. I shall now list some of the most important causes and what makes them so urgent:

Cause: The travel/Muslim ban.

Urgency: Every time a judge rules against it, an angel gets his wings.

Cause: Twenty-six billion dollar wall on the southern border.

Urgency: Mexico isn't paying for that stupid wall and I don't have a single billion to spare.

Cause: Deportation raids that separate mothers from their children.

Urgency: Who's taking care of these babies?

Cause: Abortion ban.

Urgency: Who's taking care of these babies?

Cause: Defunding of Planned Parenthood.

Urgency: My uterus yearns to be free.

Cause: Pussy grabbing.

Urgency: Fuck you.

Cause: Obamacare.

Urgency: Four out five doctors recommend it. 

Cause: HB2

Urgency: Holding it in isn't healthy.

Cause: Gerrymandering

Urgency: People getting fucked up the ass by gerrymandering don't know the definition of gerrymandering.

Cause: Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos

Urgency: See Gerrymandering.

Cause: Legalization of Marijuana

Urgency: None.

Yeah, so, there was a group carrying “Legalize It” signs at the march. While I'm on their side, we really don't have time for this right now. There is a valid point to be made that people are getting ridiculous sentences for possession of weed. But it is legal in some states. So if you can't go without smoking, maybe move to one of those states while we're working through the Trumpocalypse.

My pothead friends, I promise we'll get back to you just as soon as all this other shit is over.  For now, be cool.

Namaste, Bitches