That's Some Weird Shit

George W. Bush used to be the worst spoken president in United States history. Obviously, Trump has since claimed the title. I recently read both Hillary Clinton's book, What Happened and Michael Wolff's book, Fire and Fury. Both books made note of Bush's response to Trump's creepy “American Carnage” inauguration speech. Bush said simply, “That was some weird shit.” For the first time I found myself laughing with W. and not at him. However, he's still not excused for this: “There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.”

Speaking of fools, Donald Trump has been working on a review/rebuttal to Fire and Fury. Through my super special secret society connections, I've obtained a copy for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.

Only A Total Loser Would Read This Book, by President Donald J. Trump

Folks, first of all, I didn't read this book. Only a loser would. People are saying, “Oh no, Trump can't read. He doesn't use a teleprompter. His aides tell him what's in the newspaper.” I'm like a smart guy, okay. Let me just tell you, I read as little as possible, okay. It's bad for your eyes. No one wants to see a president wearing reading glasses. It looks weak. The president cannot look weak. So I had my top aide, Hope Hicks, read the book and tell me what's in it. She's also typing up this review. She's one of the great, great typists. We're going to post this on Amazon. Jesus, Hope, you weren't supposed to type that. I'm telling you we're going to post this on Amazon. I know I said to type everything I say, but also, don't. No, I don't want you to post it now. We just started. If you weren't a such great piece of ass, you'd be out of here.

 

First of all, I've never met Michael Wolff. That I can tell you. I've never spoken to him. I couldn't even tell you what that Dr. Evil-looking motherfucker looks like. He claims I reached out to him because I liked what he said about me on CNN. And perhaps, if he said something nice about me, I said something nice to him. But probably not. I don't watch CNN. It's fake news and I wouldn't trust someone on CNN just because he said something nice about me. But I would say something nice about someone who said something nice about me because I'm like a nice guy. I really am. People think, “Oh, Trump is so tough because he's in real estate and now he's in politics.” And yeah, I'm tough, but also, I'm very nice. I get along with everyone. I'm like one of the great, if not the greatest, communicator. And that's what people love about me.

Now that this book has come out, written by a man no one has heard of before. And I'm like, where did this guy come from? He could have been living in a basement in Iowa making this up for all anyone knows. And I've heard Clinton and Obama may have paid him to write this book. That's what I'm hearing. People are telling me this. What a couple of sore losers. 

Anyway, no one wants anything to do with Sloppy Steve Bannon anymore. This guy is finished. And now he wants back in. He's all, “I'm so sorry, Mr. Trump. My words were taken out of context. I never meant to offend you.” I couldn't believe it, folks. I mean, this guy was, like, on his knees begging. It was like, it was incredible. And I was like, “Steve, I can't. I just can't take you back. I'd lose all credibility. I've only ever hired one person back and that was LaToya Jackson. You're no LaToya Jackson, Steve.” And I said, “Besides, according to the book, which is all lies, you accepted a job offer from Roger Ailes while you were still working for Trump. Yeah, I know all about that, Steve. You, Ailes, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity were going to start your own network. What a genius move that was. Roger Ailes was dead before he fucking died.”

Let me tell you, I am going to sue the pants off this Wolff guy. When my lawyers get through with him, he'll be so poor he'll be playing golf on a public course. No one will ever hire him again once they know how he lied about Trump. Not even fake news CNN or the failing New York Times will have anything to do with him. And, you may not know this folks, I own the copyright to fire and fury. I said it long before this clown ever wrote a book. I said if North Korea makes any more threats they will be met with a fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen. I told my attorneys to trademark it right after the press conference. It was the first thing I said to them. I said to them, I said, “Did you hear that? Fire and fury. That was brilliant. Make sure I own that.” 

What do you mean that was in the book, Hope? That I trademarked the phrase? Oh, that I said it. So he admits Trump said it. Perfect, there's my copyright infringement case right there. Shut the fuck up, Hope. If Trump says he owns the copyright then Trump owns the copyright. I can do without your input. You didn't get this job because of your brains. Believe me.

Now, first of all, this Wolff guy claims I don't like the people who work for me and they don't like me. I couldn't believe it, folks. It was a total lie. Could not believe it. Trump hires the best people and they all love Trump. Isn't that right, Hope? Go ahead and take a moment to tell the people what it's like to work for Trump. Okay, Mr. Trump, I'm totally doing that. Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy and z, now I know my ABCs... Yeah, I'm done. Good. Now the people will know the truth.

This guy is also saying Jared and Ivanka have too much influence and are inexperienced. I'm like, so what? They're no more inexperienced than I am and I won the election. And Sloppy Steve Bannon is trying to take credit for my election. His name wasn't on the ballot. It was all Trump. And Sloppy Steve told this writer guy Ivanka is dumb. Of all my kids, Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, the other girl and Melania's anchor baby, Ivanka is by far the smartest. That I can tell you. Of course, I would bring my smartest kid into the White House. She brings a lot to the table. She brings Jared, who is friends with Rupert Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch is one of the greats. 

And yeah, sometimes I take their advice and sometimes it's not so good. Remember The Mooch? That was Jared's and Ivanka's genius hire. So I give Jared some busy work like creating peace in the middle east. This way he stops monopolizing Murdoch's time and Trump and Murdoch can do some real work.  But look, I wouldn't be the president I am today without my daughter and my son-in-law at my side. But, also, I probably wouldn't mind if they decided to go back to New York and sell handbags.  

  

And first of all, this Wolff guy, who I never met, and Sloppy Steve are trying to bust my balls over Roger Ailes. They're all like, “Trump wasn't loyal to Ailes. Ailes made Trump and Trump ditched him for Rupert Murdoch.” First of all, Trump was huge long before he ever met Roger Ailes. Every time I was on Fox News the ratings were huge. If anything, Ailes wasn't loyal to me. He went and got himself fired. Only losers get fired. I've never once been fired from a job. I don't have time for a loser who's not even running a network. What good is he to me? 

And then, they're all like, “Trump didn't say anything when Ailes died. He didn't even call his wife.” What was I supposed to do? Call up Beth Ailes and be like, “So sorry you're husband fucked around and publicly humiliated you and slipped and fell in the shower. It's such a tragedy to lose a husband too stupid to take a shower without killing himself.” Please. He left her everything. She's worth billions. Beth Ailes is fine. She doesn't need anything from Trump. Believe me.

So first of all, Michael Wolff, who could be Steve Bannon in disquise for all I know, and Sloppy Steve say Trump is always talking in the third person. What the hell does that even mean? Like Trump has multiple personalities or something? Are they trying to say I'm like Sybil, which is a great movie by the way. Such a shame that Sally Field never won an Oscar and they're always giving them to overrated Meryl Streep. For fuck's sake, Hope, I don't need you to tell me how many Oscars Sally Field has. I don't remember her ever winning one and I have like, one of the great, great memories. And believe me, they don't give Oscars to Gidget.

First of all, Michael Wolff, who I've never spoken to in my entire life, and Sloppy Steve said in this horrible book, which no one is buying, by the way – it's not even on the failing New York Times best seller list, which The Art of The Deal was at the top of for something like two years, I think. Anyway, they say I'm easily distracted and I'm always repeating myself. Let me just tell you, folks, I do not repeat myself. I'll say it again. I do not repeat myself. But when you're in sales, sometimes you have to repeat yourself. You have to get the message out and the best way to do that is by repetition. And right now, I'm the biggest salesman for the United States of America. I'm selling MAGA. Make American Great Again, folks. Make America Great Again. It's an excellent business technique. If that Shakespeare wannabe and Sloppy Steve had ever read The Art of the Deal, the biggest selling non-fiction book of all time, they would know this. I shouldn't even be hiring people who haven't read The Art of The Deal. Make a note of that, Hope. We will only consider cabinet positions for applicants who own a copy of The Art of The Deal. I don't care who the fuck thinks it's a conflict of interest, Hope. I've already said the president has no conflicts of interest. And since I'm the president, done deal.

Now first of all, Shakespeare Wolff, who has never been in the Oval Office, and Sloppy Steve claim I had a three way with a porn star named Stormy Daniels and a shark. I'm like, how is that even possible? I wouldn't even know where to begin to look for a shark's vagina. Not that I'd want to. I hate sharks. But if we could somehow locate the shark vagina, perhaps we could find a way to make them sterile and rid the world of sharks once and for all. Wouldn't that be something? Of course, the fake news would never give Trump credit for ridding the world of sharks. They'd be all like, “Trump killed all the sharks and caused global warming.” How stupid can people be to think global warming is real? It's January and the current temperature, according to Hope's iPhone, is sixty-five degrees. I'd call that global luke-warming. Hardly anything to worry about, folks.

Anyway, this ridiculous story about a porn star and a shark is completely false. And I'd never fuck a porn star bareback. That I can tell you. I'm like a very germ aware person. Also, people are telling me that Stormy Daniels isn't even her real name. That's what I'm hearing. What do you mean none of this was in the book, Hope? Then why did you tell me about it? I never told you to keep me updated on the news. And even if I did-  What magazine? In Touch. Never heard of it. The only magazine I want to know about is Time. And maybe People. And definitely Playboy in case I need to find a new first lady. 

 

Now first of all, Shakespeare, who's never spoken to any member of my cabinet, and Sloppy Steve have alluded that I may be having an affair with Hope Hicks, and possibly, Nikki Haley. Am I having an affair with Nikki Haley? Possibly. But then again, maybe not. They said Melania and I don't sleep in the same bedroom. And I'm like, why would we? It's three in the morning and Hope is in my bedroom now. We wouldn't be able to get any work done with Melania here. And quite frankly, once she had that anchor baby she lost all interest in sex. And really, that's okay. Let's just say I have plenty of other options, okay. Is Nikki Haley one of them? Maybe. Is Hope? The night's still young, folks.

They also said Ivanka doesn't like Melania. And maybe there's some truth to that. She's always saying to me, “Daddy, why can't you date someone your own age?” Come on. What would I want with a seventy year-old woman? Like, who gets turned on by grandmothers? It's sick.

Okay, first of all, Shakespeare claims he got all the information for his book by speaking to everyone in the White House. It's a complete lie. The only person who spoke to him, and I know this for a fact, is Sloppy Steve Bannon. That's what I'm hearing all over. People are telling me this. Bannon is just angry because I fired him. Bannon thought he was smarter than Trump. Okay. That guy caused me so many headaches. I can't even begin to tell you. 

First of all, he pushed to get Jeff Sessions in as attorney general. I promised that to Giuliani. But Bannon was all like, “Oh, Mr. Trump, Giuliani will never get confirmed. Trust me. Beauregard is your man. You won't be sorry.” So we get Sessions in and the first thing he does – the very first thing – is recuse himself from the Russia investigation. What good is this guy to me? If Rudy was in there the Russia story wouldn't even be, like, a thing. Rudy was the only one who stood by me when the Access Hollywood tape came out. That wasn't my voice, by the way. It was faked just like the moon landing. These things can be faked. You can't believe anything, folks. Believe me. There's all kinds of technology and such.

Don't even get me started on Steve Bannon and Russia. Squeaky Clean Steve is terrified to get his hands the tiniest bit dirty with Russia. He thinks he's so tough, but trust me, any time Russia is mentioned the man runs screaming out of the room. I hate to say it, but he's really such a pussy. Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode where there's a fire and George goes running to the exit and knocks down women and children to save himself? That's what Steve is like every time someone mentions Russia. I've never seen anything like it. 

Sloppy Steve is also very, very squeamish around the FBI. I couldn't even tell him when I made up my mind to fire James Comey because I was afraid he'd piss his pants. Steve was all like, “Mr. Trump, you can't fire the FBI director. You'll be impeached.” And I said to him. I said, “How could I be impeached? I'm the president. I own the FBI. Boy, you really need to calm down, Steve. Jared thinks it's a good idea. Ivanka thinks it's a good idea. It's not like Herbert Hoover is running the FBI anymore. This Comey guy- he's such a waste.” 

Then Steve says to me, he says, “J. Edgar.” And I'm like, What the hell are you talking about? J. Edgar Who? And he's like J. Edgar Hoover was the FBI director. And I'm like, no, excuse me, Steve, but we're in the White House. There's a picture of Herbert Hoover in one of the hallways. I have what's called a very good brain. The name plate is engraved very clearly with the the name, Herbert Hoover. And then Steve says to me, “Whatever.” 

You should have seen this guy's office. It was stacked to the ceiling with all these books about American history and he doesn't even know who the hell Herbert Hoover is.  Believe me, if reading made you smart, Steve would still have a job. And people are worried about can Trump read. 

  

Namaste, Bitches

Access Hollywood - Special Victims Unit

In the celebrity justice system, sexually based offenses are recently considered especially heinous. In Themyscira, the blogger who bitches about these vicious felonies, and her ever shrinking Netflix play list, is a member of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are her stories.

My place of employment used to employee a perverted creeper. He was rude, unattractive and stupid. And under the false belief that he was a lady killer. He once received a card from a client and called to ask her out, believing she was flirting with him. Upon speaking with the client, he learned the card was part of a mass mailing she'd sent to all her business contacts. She didn't even know his name. He was humiliated. It was hilarious.

Unfortunately, creepers, undeterred by rejection and humiliation, keep on creeping. One day he made the unwise decision of telling me how much he admired the breasts of another co-worker. He looked me square in the boobs and said, “Her tits are even bigger than yours.” Then he snapped my bra strap. I had been holding an unopened package of copier paper. I threw it at him. He didn't react at all. I assume he was used to women throwing things at him.

 

I reported the incident to Human Resources. My HR representative asked me if I tried to work things out with The Creeper. I said I had not. I didn't think I should have to tell a co-worker he can't touch my underwear. I feel like that's something that should just be understood. She wanted to know exactly what he said to me. So I had to say, “Her tits are bigger than yours,” to someone I barely knew. It was awkward and uncomfortable. It was also inaccurate. My tits are bigger, not that it matters.

As numerous high profile creepers are being outed for their creepiness, idiots and assholes are asking why the women didn't speak up sooner. They did, you idiot and/or asshole. You just weren't listening. Or if you did listen, you said something stupid like, “If you didn't tell the guy it made you uncomfortable when he touched your underwear, how is he supposed to know not to do it?”

Let's take a look at some celebrity creepers who were outed long ago and the way their creepiness was ignored.

1.) Roman Polanski – Admitted to and was convicted of drugging and raping a thirteen year-old girl in 1977. Fled the country to avoid prison. Forty years later, A-list celebrities still work with him. He even won an Oscar in 2002 and received a standing ovation at the ceremony he couldn't attend because he can't returned to the United States without being arrested for the rape of a thirteen year-old girl, a crime he confessed to committing.

2.) Woody Allen – Married his daughter. His defenders are quick to point out this was an adopted daughter. I'm quick to point out marrying someone who calls you Dad is gross. A-list celebrities continue to work with him. I would like to take this moment to say Woody Allen movies are horrible and anyone who claims otherwise is lying. His whole career is dumb luck. Long ago, some like-minded weird fuck claimed Woody was a brilliant comic genius and anyone who didn't get it was dumb. Not wanting to appear stupid, others began calling him a genius. And on and on it went until Woody Allen had a successful film career. America, I think it's time we, as a nation, come together and admit Woody Allen is boring. Marrying his daughter is the only interesting thing he's ever done.

3.) Ted Fucking Nugent – Not only did he adopt a teenage girl for the sole purpose of fucking her, he publicly bragged about it on VH1's Behind The Music. He's the redneck Woody Allen.  The Nuge isn't an A-list celebrity, but he's one of the biggest conservative celebrities. Second only to Scott Baio. Scott Baio dated one of the girls on Charles In Charge while playing her nanny on TV.

These men openly committed heinous acts of debauchery and everyone turned a blind eye. They didn't lose their jobs. They weren't boycotted. Sure, Polanski has to live out the rest of his life in France, but that's a price he's willing to pay to fuck children. There are many more examples like these. The last two hundred and forty-one years has been a shitty time to be a woman in America. Our society is more sympathetic to male victims of sexual assault. Check it. Kevin Spacey was accused of sexually assaulting a fourteen year-old boy and his career ended instantly. Now go re-read the Roman Polanski shit.

But, alas, the tide is turning. The Ted Nugents of the world are going down. Although, not Ted Nugent himself. He's still Fox and Friends' BFF.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Bill Cosby supporters:

Dear Bill Cosby Supporters,

There is no conspiracy against Cosby. Stop saying that out loud. You sound really stupid and I automatically think less of you. Yes, he expressed interest in buying the network, but NBC did not get fifty women to claim Cosby raped them. NBC did not force Hannibal Burress to call Cosby a rapist in his night club act. NBC did not employ a secret agent to record Hannibal's act and post it online. NBC did not get Andrea Constand to file a police report a decade before the network was for sale. If the owners of NBC didn't want to sell to Cosby, all they had to do was simply say no.

There is no conspiracy. Shut the fuck up.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

While I'm telling people to shut the fuck up, I would like to offer a little advice to all men guilty of sexual harassment. Shut the fuck up. No one is interested in your “sorry/not sorry” apologies. Most of the men I'm about to bitch about have issued a variation of the same statement: “While I don't remember the incident the same way she does, I'm sorry if she misinterpreted my actions.” That is blaming the victim, not apologizing. Own your shit, assholes.

Now I shall provide a select list of celebrity sexual predators and my level of disgust and/or disappointment with each.

Louis C.K. Louis confessed to jacking it in front of women, but prefaced that by stating he asked for permission first. I would like to take this time to explain to all men that no women want to see your dick. Ever.  It serves a purpose, but it's not much to look at. This is why Playgirl never took off the way Playboy did. If a woman ever compliments your dick, it doesn't mean your dick is special. It means you're a special dick to her. She's in love with you. Be nice to her.

Kevin Spacey  ***Spoiler Alert*** The season finale of House of Cards ended with Claire Underwood (Robin Wright) becoming the first woman president. And Robin Wright got to be president for all of five minutes before we finally learned why Kevin Spacey is so good at playing assholes. Turns out he's not a good actor. He's just an asshole. And Netflix promptly canceled House of Cards. We can't even have a fictional woman president without a sexual predator fucking it up. 

Jeffrey Tambor Will this impact the fifth season of Arrested Development? It's supposed to come out next year. Not to be selfish, but I waited a fucking decade for the fourth season as it is. And I'm one of the few people who actually watched the show when it originally aired on Fox. I tried to convince my friends they'd like it, but they wouldn't listen. Of course, after it was canceled and picked up a cult following, they all started watching the DVDs and quoting from it non-stop. Then they would ask, “Why was this show canceled?” 

I'm afraid you just blue yourself.

  

Charlie Rose Charlie Rose was on PBS for fuck's sake. PBS should be a pervert free zone. It's the home of Mr. Rogers and Big Bird. Shit. I just remembered Bill Cosby was on The Electric Company. Oh, and the Elmo guy was also fired for something pervy. PBS really needs to do a better job of screening people before they hire them. They've got a lot of nerve interrupting shows to beg for money from viewers like you while they're letting rapists run around willy-nilly. I hated their fucking pledge weeks. They always interrupted just as the trolley was leaving for The Neighborhood of Make Believe. Why were they asking for pledges during Mr. Rogers? Three year-olds don't have money. 

Jeremy Piven I've never liked Jeremy Piven. He seems like an asshole and he always plays assholes. (See Kevin Spacey.) He was an asshole on The Larry Sanders Show. Fuck. Jeffrey Tambor was on that show, too. Double fuck. Scott Baio was on Arrested Development. Fucking Bob Loblaw. Anyway, Piven is so adamant the claims against him are false, he voluntarily took a polygraph and passed. I still don't believe him and have conducted a thorough investigation of the following evidence proving his guilt.

Fact – One of his accusers is Cassidy Freeman, who was on Smallville, a show I like.

Fact – Piven was on Entourage, a show I hate.

I rest my case.

Senator Al Franken – While touring with the USO, Franken thought it would be funny to take a picture while grabbing the breasts of a sleeping co-star. I don't know what bothers me more: the molestation of an unconscious woman, or that a man who made a living as a comedian thought it was funny. Even if the woman had been awake and in on the joke, it wouldn't be funny. It's just stupid. It's like the Kathy Griffin picture with the severed head of Donald Trump. It was dumb. I'm not offended by the severed head of Donald Trump or anyone else for that matter. But it's not something I look at laugh. It's something I look at and shrug. 

While I'm on the subject, could Kathy Griffin get a fucking grip already. Girl, you are the only one who is surprised CNN fired you. The rest of America is surprised you lasted this long. You do offensive shit. That's who you are. Embrace it. Don't have a meltdown over Anderson Cooper. He's hot, but he's gay. That was never going to happen.

Harvey Weinstein and his brother, Bob Like most people, when the news about Harvey Weinstein broke, I said to myself, “Who the fuck is Harvey Weinstein?” I watched the news long enough to learn he is a successful movie producer who has abused, attacked or assaulted almost everyone who's ever worked for him. His brother, Bob, has ridden his coattails and harassed his leftovers. The reporter who broke the story on Harvey Weinstein is Ronan Farrow. Ronan Farrow's mother is actress Mia Farrow. His “father” is Woody Allen, except his father is obviously Frank Sinatra. And because creepers keep on creeping, Woody Allen is the only person on Earth who's publicly expressed sympathy for the super predator, Harvey Weinstein. No word on how he feels about Bob.

Fox News and the Glenn Becks of the world were still licking their wounds over the downfalls of Bill O'Reilly and Roger Ailes when the news of Harvey Weinstein broke. They were so overcome with glee, they completely forgot to show empathy or compassion for the traumatized victims in the midst of their joyous rapture. They shouted, “Aha! Liberals can be creepers too!” And liberals everywhere said, “Yeah, no shit. I mean, pick a Kennedy for fuck's sake.”  

For more on the downfall of Bill O'Reilly see:  The No-Reilly Factor

President George Herbert Walker Bush – The forty-first president of the United States and at ninety-three, the oldest living president of the United States. He has been wheelchair bound for some time. Not one to let a disability keep him down, he found a clever way to accidentally-on-purpose play grab ass with every young woman he's met. This is like finding out your grandfather has been feeling up your friends. If you're surprised by this news, keep in mind George is the uncle of Billy Bush of the infamous Donald Trump/Access Hollywood/Gram 'Em By The Pussy tape. And keep in mind the tape didn't keep Trump out of the White House. Also, keep in mind if Bush's freaky groping habits had come to light in 1988 he still would have been president.

 

Judge Roy Moore – Former Alabama judge and current senate candidate stands accused of sexually assaulting a fourteen year-old girl. Though he maintains his innocence, he doesn't deny trying to date teenage girls. Which leads me to wonder how he maintains his innocence. He's like the white trash R. Kelly. Not surprisingly, President Grab-A-Pussy is standing by Roy Moore. At least, I think he is because sometimes Trump refers to him as Ray Moore. Some Alabama voters stated voting for Roy Moore is still better than voting for a democrat. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Alabama:

Dear Alabama,

It's time we admit this relationship has run it's course. We're just not that into you.

Sincerely,

America

 

Namaste, Bitches

Oh Say Can You Shut The Fuck Up

If a person from another country asked me to explain American football, I would say, a bunch of guys run into each and fall down. I don't understand football and I have no interest in understanding football. It bores me. All sports bore me. I used to think O.J. played basketball. I only found out he was a football player because he allegedly murdered two people. I've got all day long to watch a murder trial. I understand the appeal of murder. I don't understand the appeal of football. I believe I get this from my mom who once asked my sister to change the channel because she “can't listen to ball.”

Last week, a friend of mine posted an article about Colin Kaepernick on Facebook. I only know who Colin Kaepernick is because of the anthem controversy. I don't know what team he played on and I'm not about to Google it because I don't care. Some jackass, who appears to be Facebook stalking my friend, went on a rant about how people have died for our country and he believes kneeling during the national anthem somehow negates that. The Facebook stalker typed this in all caps, which has me concerned for my friends safety. I've found most people who type in all caps are unhinged.

If I understand the Colin Kaepernick controversy correctly, it goes like this:  An absurd amount of unarmed black people have been shot and killed by police. If you're wondering how many unarmed people murdered by police it takes to be considered absurd, the number is one. Colin Kaepernick believes this absurd amount of murder is fucked up. Since Kaepernick is a public figure he used his position to bring attention to all the fucked up murders. In an act of peaceful protest, he chose to kneel during the national anthem. And football fans across America became so enraged they almost spilled their beer.

Can you blame them? I mean, the man kneeled during The Star-Spangled Banner. That's an unforgivable offense. It's not like he panicked during a routine traffic stop, fired seven shots into a vehicle, executing a man for having a broken tail light and traumatizing the four-year-old who was in the back of the car. That's the kind of transgression America is quick to overlook. But kneel during a song and we'll make sure you never appear in a Gatorade commercial. We can't allow you to set a bad example for the children who aren't being shot at.

Facebook Stalker, if you're reading this, I know you think you've won the argument because you typed “people have died” in all caps. However, Colin Kaepernick is kneeling because people have died. The fact that you're more outraged over kneeling than murder has me concerned for my friend's safety.

Colin Kaepernick is not currently on a team because NFL team owners were all like, “Oh lord, he didn't rise for the national anthem. I've got the vapors. Someone bring me my smelling salts.” Then NFL players, and for some reason, Stevie Wonder, were all like, “This is some bullshit.” And they decided to kneel during the anthem. And nothing else matters in America until we resolve this NFL shit.

I don't understand why people are losing their shit over kneeling. That seems kind of respectful. I haven't been to church for anything other than a wedding or funeral in over twenty years, but if memory serves, I believe people kneel to pray. 

If the anthem is truly being played to honor those who have died, kneeling makes more sense. I don't care for the hand over the heart thing. Women don't have an unobstructed path to the heart. If I have to grab my chest in public, someone better be making it rain dollar bills.

This outrage over kneeling seems really hypocritical when you consider the fact that we play the anthem for ridiculous occasions. As I mentioned before, I have no interest in sports. I don't attend ball games. Ergo, I attend zero events where the national anthem is played. I've attended rallies for presidential candidates. I've heard Jon Bon Jovi play Living On A Prayer. I've heard a college marching band play Paula Abdul's Cold Hearted in 2016, no less. I would expect to hear, “Please rise for the national anthem,” at such an event. Instead I heard, “Please enjoy this weird version of a thirty year-old Paula Abdul song.”

Yet, back in the day when TV networks used to sign off at night, they played the national anthem to mark the end of their broadcast day. All across America people in their jammies would rise and exclaim, “Fuck, it's late. I gotta get to bed.”

I've always found the tradition of playing the anthem before ball games to be odd. When  soldiers stormed the beaches of Normandy, I don't think they were worried about being honored at an event where people shove nachos and beer in their face while millionaires knock each other down. Nachos and beer shouldn't be consumed when honoring fallen veterans. It seems undignified somehow.

America, if we really believe The Star-Spangled Banner is sacrosanct, why would we allow Cher to sing it? The NFL books bland pop stars with no range to perform. They water it down to fit their limited range and the result is anti-climatic. I like Cher, but when she sang it was like listening to Mr. Ed sing The Star-Spangled Banner. (For millennials – Mr. Ed is an old sitcom about a talking horse. It's as stupid as it sounds.)

Remember when Roseanne sang it at a baseball game and people were “shocked” because she treated it as a joke? And Roseanne received death threats?  And the dumbass who booked a comedian with no singing talent to sing received zero death threats? I mean, I'm against death threats over a song, but if you feel that strongly about it, at least aim your outrage in the right direction.

The Star-Spangled Banner is a difficult song to sing. Whitney Houston nailed it and no one else should attempt it. I think we should always play Whitney's version or pick a different song for our national anthem. I suggest Party In The U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus. It's easier to sing and the lyrics are easier to remember. “Moving my hips like yeah” is how we actually speak. Don't try to get snotty about it. When was the last time you used ramparts in a sentence?

  

Speaking of people with limited vocabulary, Donald Trump has decided to get involved in this anthem controversy because the job of president apparently affords him a lot of free time.  He's been tweeting non-stop about boycotting the NFL until they fire the players for kneeling. Call me skeptical, but I think Trump may have an ulterior motive in all this. Trump is notorious for his ability to hold a grudge and this isn't his first fight with the NFL. 

Once upon a time, all the way back in the year 1982, a rival football league was created. This was called the United States Football League or USFL. Donald Trump, then a New York realtor with no real accomplishments to speak of, decided to purchase a team called the New Jersey Generals. (I just realized this is probably what he was talking about during the debates when he said he had lots of generals on his team.) The USFL played in the spring. In 1985, Trump pushed the USFL to move their season to the fall to force a merger with the NFL. The owners of the USFL were not aware that Trump was a self-proclaimed brilliant businessman and not an actual brilliant businessman.

Trump then sued the NFL for existing and a judge awarded him three dollars to shut him up. That's right. He won three whole George Washingtons. The USFL went under and lost one hundred and sixty-three million George Washingtons. Because Donald Trump believes nothing is ever his fault, he's been trying to exact revenge on the NFL for thirty-two years.

Now please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.

Namaste, Bitches