The Postman Always Rings Twice

Back when Mel Gibson was hot he made a movie called Conspiracy Theory where he portrayed a paranoid taxi driver. A decade later a cop made an arrest called Mel Gibson's Drunken Meltdown where Gibson blamed Jews for all the wars and claimed the Holocaust was fake. After decades of hotness Mel Gibson instantly became gross to millions of women around the world.

Earlier this year Quincy Jones gave a long rambling interview where he claimed to know who shot Kennedy. I do too, Quincy. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. Accept it, America.

Speaking of Kennedy, it is time we come together as Americans and admit he is the most overrated president in history. Calm down, Baby Boomers. I'm not saying he was a bad president. I know he was your “cool guy” president. But I think we all know his greatness has been highly exaggerated due to his shocking and untimely death.

This brings me to the MAGA Bomber and one of the many ways he is stupid. Had he been successful the Bradford Exchange would be marketing commemorative Hillary Clinton plates in time for the holiday rush. They would triple the price of the Obama plates they already sell.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to the MAGA Bomber and any would be copy cat bombers.

Dear Potential Murderer(s),

I know you hate the Obamas and the Clintons because they want you to have healthcare or whatever, but killing them will only make them martyrs. They will become legendary Kennedy-esque figures in American History. Before you know it, we'll have universal healthcare with no ban on pre-existing conditions. Is that really the future you want?

Best of Luck,

Donna Troy

The targets of the MAGA Bomber were George Soros, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Brennan c/o CNN, Maxine Waters, Joe Biden, Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Eric Holder, James Clapper c/o CNN, Tom Steyer and Robert DeNiro. Of course, the real victim in all of this is Donald Trump. Just because he constantly incites his supporters to violence and specifically targets all the people the MAGA Bomber specifically targeted, people are blaming him for this. Who wants to live in an America where the president can't joke about the attempted mass assassination of his political adversaries?  If you said, “Yes, Donna, that is the America I want to live in,” but you didn't vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016, your ass better be building a time machine. (Third Party Voters, I will never forgive you.)

But back to the Mel Gibson of it all. Trump supporters have come up with some wonderfully implausible reasons not to blame Trump for this. I shall share my favorites with you now.

1.) Hillary and Obama sent the bombs to themselves according to one old man outside a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. And what about the DNA evidence connecting the MAGA Bomber to the bombs? “I guess they hired him to do it then,” said Old Man. And what about the other ten victims? “They was probably in on it,” said Old Man.

You see everything can easily be explained away as long as you keep making shit up as you go along.

2.) “I heard something about Bernie Sanders,” said a woman outside a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. She offered nothing further to connect Bernie Sanders to these crimes, yet felt it her civic responsibility to share what she heard with a reporter on live TV.

3.) Ann Coulter claimed people of “immigrant stock” are more likely to engage in political violence. It sounds like Ann is trying to scapegoat Melania Trump. Ann, I know you have a weird creepy crush on Donald Trump, but getting Melania out of the way won't get you anywhere. You're in your mid-fifties. Trump's not going to date a woman who isn't even twenty years younger than him. Get real.

4.) The Taxi Driver Curse is something I am making up. Years before Mel Gibson played a paranoid taxi driver, Robert DeNiro played a paranoid taxi driver in the movie Taxi Driver. Inspired by the movie Taxi Driver, John Hinckley, Jr. attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981 to impress Jodi Foster. And now the MAGA Bomber has attempted to assassinate Robert DeNiro to impress Donald Trump. Due to the Taxi Driver connection in both assassination attempts, we must conclude the movie Taxi Driver is cursed.

Fun Fact: The Greatest American Hero is a TV show that debuted in 1981. The main character's name was originally Ralph Hinkley. After the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan, the name was changed to Ralph Hanley. Another fun fact is more people remember the theme song to The Greatest American Hero than remember the show itself. The popularity of this theme song is a phenomenon that cannot be explained. You want to hear it now, don't you? Here's a YouTube link: Believe It or Not.

 

Despite the delusions of Trump supporters and my long-winded excuse to work in the theme song to The Greatest American Hero, most people weren't surprised to learn the MAGA Bomber is a middle-aged white man who loves the fuck out of one Donald J. Trump. And he lives in a van. And he has a violent criminal history. And he has a history of steroid abuse. I was surprised to learn the MAGA Bomber is a former Chippendales dancer. For some reason, I've never thought of male strippers as tragic figures. You tend to think of female strippers as abused teenage runaways with drug problems, but I've never considered the life paths of male strippers. I've blindly believed they're all fine young men working their way through law school while making a quick buck at a bachelorette party. 

Anyway, since the MAGA Bomber was a Chippendales dancer who lived in a van down by the river, I've included the following GIF for your viewing pleasure. I've also included the GIF for the viewing pleasure of my sister and her friends who are Swayze Crazy. Enjoy.

 

Namaste, Bitches

And Justice For All

It's a dangerous time to be a man in America. If your name is Brett. I just yelled at a Copper Fit commercial because Brett Favre was in it. Poor Brett Favre. His only crime is being named Brett. I shouted to the TV, “I don't have low back pain, Brett Favre. Because I do yoga and not aggressive man sports like football with your violent tackling and whatnot.”

Poor Brett Favre aside, it's mostly only a dangerous time to be a man in America if you're a rapist. I can't help but notice those worried about men being falsely accused are people known to be kind of rape-y. Like the president. And his sons. And Clarence Thomas. And Bill Cosby's spokesperson.

This reminds me of Bill O'Reilly's imaginary War On Christmas. It also reminds me of Bill O'Reilly because he's kind of rape-y. The imaginary War On Christmas started when Americans who aren't members of the Christian faith asked for their rights to be acknowledged. They said, “Hey, remember freedom of religion and separation of church and state? That means you can't put the Ten Commandments and a nativity scene on the courthouse lawn.” Bill O'Reilly was all like, “Christians are being persecuted. They have declared a war upon Christmas. Our rights are being taken away.”

The truth was Christians hadn't lost any rights. They'd been helping themselves to rights they never had. And just like Bill O'Reilly Christians, Bill O'Reilly rapists have been helping themselves to rights they never had. Rape is not a right.  Although, I can see how Brett Kavanaugh has confused rapists. When a rapist appears in court it's usually as the defendant, not the judge. And that Ten Commandments thing probably didn't help either. Not a single commandment about rape. What's up with that?

Regardless, church-going rapist Brett Kavanaugh is now a Supreme Court Justice. And Donna Troy is fucking pissed. At men named Brett. At rapists. And at rapists named Brett. Donna Troy is super fucking pissed at fifty senators who put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. However, I don't have all day so I shall aim my wrath at a select few. These senators have been chosen by their inability to shut up. You would think placing a rapist on the Supreme Court is a situation that can't be made any worse. Yet these senators have managed to do so. By their inability to shut up.

Senator Chuck Grassley apparently didn't think he had insulted women enough by placing a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. He stated there are no republican women on the Senate Judiciary Committee because it's a lot of work. He further described “a lot of work” as meeting every Thursday. 

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck Grassley,

Dear Senator Grassley,

Why won't you die already?

Warm regards,

Donna Troy

Senator Jeff Flake who's unsuccessful attempt at being on both sides of the rape issue wasted everyone's time. He used his leverage to have the confirmation vote delayed a week while the FBI conducted an investigation. During that very short week, Jeff Flake was hailed as a hero and he didn't shy away from it. He made several public appearances stating Brett Kavanaugh probably shouldn't be on the Supreme Court.

Then the FBI investigation wrapped up early. We learned the FBI was so restricted the investigation was basically a Google search. Jeff Flake glanced over the Google search results which mostly contained clips of Lindsey Graham proclaiming Kavanaugh's innocence. And Jeff Flake was all like, “Yep. I'm convinced. He's innocent.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Jeff Flake.

Dear Senator Flake,

I hope one day you're leaving your office late at night, walking alone to your car in a dimly lit parking garage when you're suddenly attacked by a psychotic lunatic like that guy in Deliverance. Then you're brutally raped like that guy in Deliverance. I know this may sound harsh, but it's the only way you're going to learn.

Best Wishes,

Donna Troy

 

Senator Lindsey Graham keeps repeating some nonsensical rant about how well he treated Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan during their confirmation hearings.

“When you see Sotomayor and Kagan, tell them that Lindsey said hello to them because I voted for them. I would never do to them what you’ve done to this guy!”

I'm not sure what his point is because neither of them has ever been accused of rape. And I think he's mad about that...?

Anyway, Lindsey Graham is convinced of Kavanaugh's innocence because Kavanaugh forcefully defended himself. 

 

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Lindsey Graham.

Dear Lindsey,

Forcefulness is common trait among rapists. I don't think you really get rape. Perhaps you should read a book on the subject. Or watch Deliverance. Or shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,

Donna Troy

Democratic Senator Joe Manchin from my home state of West Virginia. Not only am I pissed because the only democrat to put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court is from my home state, but also, the last time West Virginia made the news for something good Mary Lou Retton was on a Wheaties box.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the state of West Virginia.

Dear People of West Virginia,

Get your shit together or I will burn this motherfucker to the ground.

To. The. Ground.

Your Fellow Mountaineer,

Donna Troy

Senator Susan Collins said of Dr. Ford, “I do believe she was assaulted. I don't know by whom and I'm not certain when.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Susan Collins.

Dear Senator Collins,

Dr. Ford was assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh in the summer of 1982. I'm certain, you feckless cunt.

Cordially Yours,

Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches

Hostile Witness

Once I was watching the news with my grandpa and there was a story about a rape. My grandpa said, “Any man who does that to a woman out to have his dick cut off and shoved up his ass.” I call that Papaw Justice. Just putting it out there.

Brett Kavanaugh's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee was erratic and belligerent. It was the kind of behavior one might expect from an alcoholic rapist. He displayed very poor judgment, which should be a disqualifying factor when one is applying for the position of judge.

The republican senators only learned one thing from the Anita Hill hearing. They didn't come off looking so good. In fact, one might say they behaved like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists. To avoid making that mistake again, Senator Chuck Grassley hired a lady prosecutor to interview Dr. Christine Blasey Ford on behalf of the GOP senators. It was weird. Dr. Ford's testimony was credible and heartbreaking. Lady Prosecutor seemed to have a hard time prosecuting this clearly traumatized rape victim. Which makes sense considering it wasn't a criminal trial. And I'm no legal expert, but I believe prosecutors are usually on the side of the victim. The lady prosecutor plan was so stupid even Lady Prosecutor didn't seem to know why she was there.

For hours Dr. Ford told the soul crushing story of how Judge Brett Kavanaugh attempted to rape her while his creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, laughed and jumped on the bed. Only Lady Prosecutor and the democratic senators spoke directly to Dr. Ford. The republican senators all sat ashen faced and silent, with the exception of Chuck Grassley who asked his assistant to get Dr. Ford a Coke. Although Senator Grassley has made it clear he has every intention of placing Dr. Ford's rapist on the Supreme Court, he demands we all acknowledge he was nice to her. Because he offered her a refreshment. Coke acknowledged.

The original plan was for Lady Prosecutor to question Judge Kavanaugh as well. However, once the traumatized rape victim was out of the room the republicans forgot all about Lady Prosecutor. In fact, one might say they all began to behave like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists.

In his opening statement Judge Kavanaugh named all the women he hasn't raped. Because I guess, we're supposed to give him extra credit for that. He was then moved to tears while describing his father's method of keeping calendar records. It was a truly heart wrenching moment for the republican senators who seemed to be really fond of rape and calendars. 

 

He then screamed something about a Clinton conspiracy. It was as if he'd secreted some weird pheromone that only affects GOP members. All the republican senators began ranting incoherently. It was like the hearing had been overtaken by a gaggle of alcoholic rapists.

Senator Lindsey Graham exploded into what I can only describe as a full on maniacal asshole attack. “He is not Bill Cosby,” Graham shouted to the heavens. No shit. Bill Cosby is a much better actor. 

Graham screamed to Brett Kavanaugh he had nothing to apologize for. Then he scream-asked, “Are you a gang rapist?” I think he should have asked that question earlier.  Asking about gang rape after he told Brett he didn't need to apologize kind of made it seem like Lindsey Graham doesn't care if he's a rapist or not.

Speaking of people who don't have to apologize, Orrin Hatch believes Anita Hill should apologize for being sexually harassed. Or, I guess, just snitching about it. Honestly, I don't know why she should apologize, but Orrin Hatch is adamant she should. Orrin Hatch said the Kavanaugh hearing was worse than the Clarence Thomas hearing. I agree, but sadly for different reasons.

While being questioned/coddled by the republican senators Kavanaugh was a weepy mess. He was all like, “Oh, woe is me. I've been through hell. I may never be able to coach girl's basketball again. Hanging out with teenage girls is seriously, like, my favorite thing in the whole world. It's even more important to me than this judge shit.”

The republicans were all like, “Stay strong, bro.” So touched were they by Brett's hysterical display they didn't seem to realize his obsession with Catholic school girls is kind of rape-y. 

 

While being questioned by the democratic senators Kavanaugh was an obnoxious, arrogant, spoiled, rich, whiny, frat boy bitch. His parents must accept some responsibility for naming him Brett in the first place. Brett is an asshole name. One might expect an alcoholic rapist to be named Brett.

The democrats all asked why he didn't want an FBI investigation if he was innocent. He had varying answers to this question, none of which were actual answers to the question. He shouted, “I have been dealing with this for ten whole days.” I guess the idea that Dr. Ford has been dealing with this for thirty-six years was completely lost on him. Or he just didn't give a shit as one might expect from an alcoholic rapist.

Kavanaugh stated/screamed he couldn't have raped anyone because he was a virgin until he was thirty-two. Had he bothered to listen to Dr. Ford's testimony he would have known his virginity doesn't prove his innocence. Dr. Ford claimed she was attacked by both Brett and his creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, yet due to their intoxication she was able to get away. The only thing his interminable virginity proves is that he is bad at rape. Not that he hasn't tried.

When questioned about his drinking Brett yelled, “I like beer. I've been drinking since I was a teenager. It was totally legal. But I've never been drunk because I played basketball and got into Yale Law School.” I'm not sure why he thinks Yale and alcoholism are mutually exclusive. I can think of at least one other alcoholic who attended Yale.

 

Also, I call bullshit on people who claim they like beer for the taste and not the alcohol. Because non-alcoholic beer is a thing and no one drinks it.

Brett's creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, wrote a book about his own drinking problem entitled, Wasted: Tales of a Gen X Drunk. In the book Mark, clearly a master of disguise, changed the name of his creepy rape buddy from Brett Kavanaugh to Bart O. Kavanaugh. It's the kind of cleverness one might expect from a failed alcoholic rapist.

Brett was asked if the character of Bart O. Kavanaugh who was described as a black-out drunk was based on himself. Brett screamed, “Don't make fun of my friend, you jerk.” It was the kind of disjointed outburst one might expect from an alcoholic rapist.

I'm reminded of the E! True Hollywood Story of Todd Bridges. Todd Bridges, former star of Diff'rent Strokes, was arrested for the murder of a drug dealer. Todd was so fucked up he had no memory of the evening. He remembered smoking some crack and everything after that was a bit of a blur. When asked if he pleaded guilty or not guilty Todd replied, “I don't know. Is there a third option, maybe?”

Republicans are prepared to place a man on the Supreme Court who lacks the moral high ground of Todd Bridges. 

The last two republican senators to speak were Jeff Flake and the man Brian Williams calls John – No Relation – Kennedy.

Jeff Flake turned to his republican colleagues who had been behaving like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists and said, “Guys, don't be a dick.”

John – No Relation – Kennedy asked Judge Kavanaugh if he swears to God he didn't do this. It was stupid, but I think he was trying not to be a dick after Jeff Flake said, “don't be a dick.” He was probably pissed he had to go last. I bet he was thinking, “Everyone else got to be a dick. But if I act like a dick after Flake says, 'don't be a dick,' then I'm going to look like a dick.”

The next day, after being confronted by rape victims, Jeff Flake coerced Trump into opening up an FBI investigation for the duration of one whole week. He is being hailed as a hero for doing the very least could do. But when one is compared to a gaggle of alcoholic rapists the bar for heroism is pretty low.

 

Namaste, Bitches