Hillary
Clinton won the presidential election by more than three million votes
and Donald Trump became the forty-fifth President of the United
States. This has caused the country to fall into another Great
Depression. Not an economic depression, just an over all feeling of
hopelessness and despair. The few Americans who have been able to
crawl out of this cloudy fog of anguish are desperately looking for
answers as to what allowed this colossal fuck up to happen. Being one
of those desperate to solve the mystery of the colossal fuck up, I've
come up with a few theories.
1.
The Electoral College is Bullshit
Last
week, I was watching MSNBC and Lawrence O'Donnell said something to
the effect of, “try explaining how Hillary Clinton won the election
and not the presidency to someone from another country.” Oddly
enough, I recently had to do that and it was hard. My explanation
went something like this:
“You
see, Jorge, when we vote for president we're not actually voting for
president. We're voting for electors who then vote for president in
December. So, even though the election has been called, it hasn't
actually happened yet. The Founding Fathers didn't trust the American
people to choose a president. That's why they set up the electoral
college. It's supposed to prevent idiots from getting into the White
House. Unfortunately, it tends to work in favor of idiots.
Oh,
and if you have republican friends who think it works in favor of
democrats, please tell them they're wrong. This has only happened
five times in our nation's history and it put a republican in the
White House all five times. I don't know where they get this idea,
but they seem to think there have been democratic presidents who've
lost the popular vote, but won the electoral college. That has never
happened. Never. Not once. You tell them that, Jorge. Don't let them
go around spreading bullshit.
Anyway,
each state gets a number of electorates supposedly based on their
population. But that's not really true because the numbers don't make
any mathematical sense. The electorates are free to vote for whomever
they want, but they don't really do that either. Basically, it's like
Dancing With The Stars.
It's some weird combination of the judge's
points and the audience votes that no one really understands. So,
Toni Braxton was sent home even though she's a really good dancer.”
2.
Donald Trump and Vladimir
Putin Rigged the Election
Donald
Trump has been saying the election is rigged for months. I thought he
was full of shit until he won the election. Crying foul is a classic
cheater move. Every
woman knows that a man who is always suspicious is about to give her
herpes because he's been whoring around like his name is Bill
Clinton. Projecting their bad behavior onto the other person is their
only defense. And frankly, Hillary, of all people should have seen it
coming.
Obviously,
Putin pulled the puppet strings on this. There is no way Trump is
smart enough to have rigged an election on his own. He couldn't even
pull off his fake university scam without getting caught. In a
country where Amway is still a thing, no less.
3.
We're in Bizzaro World
If
you're not a superhero nerd like me, I guess I'll have to explain
Bizzaro World to you. Bizzaro World is an alternate Earth where
everything is the opposite of what it is on
the real Earth. The Earth is square in Bizzaro World. Bizzaro
Superman is evil. He gets his strength from Kryptonite and the sun
makes him
weak. You get the idea.
Let's
look at the facts:
The
first African American president is being followed by a president who
was endorsed by the Klu Klux Klan. Only in Bizzaro World.
The
first female nominee of a major party lost to a man who was caught on
tape bragging that he can grab women by their “wherevers”
whenever he wants because he's a star. Classic Bizzaro World.
Instead
of the first woman president we're about to have the first First Lady
who is a former nude model. That's what progress looks like in
Bizzaro World.
The
most clear evidence of a Bizzaro World takeover is the shock of the
candidates as the election was called. Both Hillary Clinton and
Donald Trump were quite obviously dumbfounded. Trump didn't expect to
win anymore than Clinton expected to lose.
4.
Michael J. Fox Fucked Up the Space-Time Continuum
In
Back to the Future II
Michael J. Fox traveled to the year 2015, which is currently the
past, not the future. While Fox was busy playing with his hover
board,
the obnoxious bully, Biff, found the time machine and traveled back
to 1955. In 1955, old Biff gave young Biff a sports almanac from
2015, which young Biff then used to bet on every game for the next
thirty years. Then Michael J. Fox found himself in an alternate 1985
where Biff had become the richest and most powerful man in the
country. The ignorant and narcissistic Biff names everything after
himself, has a life-sized portrait of himself and throws
out childish insults like butthead. Sound familiar? It should. The
writers of Back to the Future II
actually based alternate 1985 Biff on Donald Trump. Fact.
I don't know how they did it, but Michael J. Fox and Doc Brown need
to get in their flying DeLorean and fix this shit. Pronto.
5.
Apocalypse
Or
as I like to call it The Trumpocalypse. Trump is obviously the
Antichrist. Need proof? Fine.
According
to the Bible, or rather, what Wikipedia says the Bible says, the
Antichrist will falsely claim to be the Messiah. You
know, like a man who says, “I, alone, can fix all your problems.”
Wikipedia
also says the Antichrist will be a “single figure of concentrated
evil.” I believe Back to the Future II
makes this point quite convincingly.
I
have more theories, but they all pretty much include time travel and
alternate realities.
Millions
of Americans and people around the world are still experiencing
gastrointestinal distress when they hear the words, President-Elect
Trump. However, it's important to remain optimistic. We still have
many things to look forward to. So
many things, in fact, I've made a list.
1.
The Non-Existent Wall Along the Southern Border
I,
personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump
supporter in my office when that dumb ass wall is never built.
2.
Alec Baldwin
I,
personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump
supporter in my office when Donnie is getting into Twitter wars with
Alec Baldwin instead of building that dumb ass wall.
3.
The Eventual Impeachment of Treasury Secretary Omarosa
Did
you know before starring in The Apprentice, Omarosa worked in the
Clinton/Gore administration? Fact.
4.
The Tell-All
Book by Tiffany Trump
Followed
by the Lifetime Movie Event based on said book: The
Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story.
5.
The Eventual Impeachment of President Trump
I,
personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump
supporter in my office when Donnie is forced out of office in shame
and that dumb ass wall is never built.
6.
The Election of 2020
I've
learned two important things from this election.
1.) We are way
overdue for a woman president. (Well,
I already knew that, but I really believed it was going to happen
this time. Unfortunately, I kept overestimating the intelligence of
the American people to my own dismay.)
2.) The American people are stupid enough to vote for a TV star with
no experience in public office.
This
brings us to the election of 2020 and
my unrealistic dream of having Lynda Carter run for the democratic
nomination. Lynda Carter
is a TV star, best known
for playing Wonder Woman, who is currently playing the president on
Supergirl.
Therefore, we
know she can act like a president at the very least. I think her
husband is a senator or something, so she probably knows more about
the government than Trump. Also, it would be the coolest thing ever
if she wore the tiara
and Wonder Woman cape on Inauguration Day.
Lynda
Carter 2020!
Namaste,
Bitches
