Friday, November 25, 2016

Back From The Future

Hillary Clinton won the presidential election by more than three million votes and Donald Trump became the forty-fifth President of the United States. This has caused the country to fall into another Great Depression. Not an economic depression, just an over all feeling of hopelessness and despair. The few Americans who have been able to crawl out of this cloudy fog of anguish are desperately looking for answers as to what allowed this colossal fuck up to happen. Being one of those desperate to solve the mystery of the colossal fuck up, I've come up with a few theories.

1. The Electoral College is Bullshit

Last week, I was watching MSNBC and Lawrence O'Donnell said something to the effect of, “try explaining how Hillary Clinton won the election and not the presidency to someone from another country.” Oddly enough, I recently had to do that and it was hard. My explanation went something like this:

You see, Jorge, when we vote for president we're not actually voting for president. We're voting for electors who then vote for president in December. So, even though the election has been called, it hasn't actually happened yet. The Founding Fathers didn't trust the American people to choose a president. That's why they set up the electoral college. It's supposed to prevent idiots from getting into the White House. Unfortunately, it tends to work in favor of idiots.

Oh, and if you have republican friends who think it works in favor of democrats, please tell them they're wrong. This has only happened five times in our nation's history and it put a republican in the White House all five times. I don't know where they get this idea, but they seem to think there have been democratic presidents who've lost the popular vote, but won the electoral college. That has never happened. Never. Not once. You tell them that, Jorge. Don't let them go around spreading bullshit.

Anyway, each state gets a number of electorates supposedly based on their population. But that's not really true because the numbers don't make any mathematical sense. The electorates are free to vote for whomever they want, but they don't really do that either. Basically, it's like Dancing With The Stars. It's some weird combination of the judge's points and the audience votes that no one really understands. So, Toni Braxton was sent home even though she's a really good dancer.”

2. Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin Rigged the Election

Donald Trump has been saying the election is rigged for months. I thought he was full of shit until he won the election. Crying foul is a classic cheater move. Every woman knows that a man who is always suspicious is about to give her herpes because he's been whoring around like his name is Bill Clinton. Projecting their bad behavior onto the other person is their only defense. And frankly, Hillary, of all people should have seen it coming.

Obviously, Putin pulled the puppet strings on this. There is no way Trump is smart enough to have rigged an election on his own. He couldn't even pull off his fake university scam without getting caught. In a country where Amway is still a thing, no less.

3. We're in Bizzaro World

If you're not a superhero nerd like me, I guess I'll have to explain Bizzaro World to you. Bizzaro World is an alternate Earth where everything is the opposite of what it is on the real Earth. The Earth is square in Bizzaro World. Bizzaro Superman is evil. He gets his strength from Kryptonite and the sun makes him weak. You get the idea.

Let's look at the facts:

The first African American president is being followed by a president who was endorsed by the Klu Klux Klan. Only in Bizzaro World.

The first female nominee of a major party lost to a man who was caught on tape bragging that he can grab women by their “wherevers” whenever he wants because he's a star. Classic Bizzaro World.

Instead of the first woman president we're about to have the first First Lady who is a former nude model. That's what progress looks like in Bizzaro World. 

The most clear evidence of a Bizzaro World takeover is the shock of the candidates as the election was called. Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were quite obviously dumbfounded. Trump didn't expect to win anymore than Clinton expected to lose.

4. Michael J. Fox Fucked Up the Space-Time Continuum

In Back to the Future II Michael J. Fox traveled to the year 2015, which is currently the past, not the future. While Fox was busy playing with his hover board, the obnoxious bully, Biff, found the time machine and traveled back to 1955. In 1955, old Biff gave young Biff a sports almanac from 2015, which young Biff then used to bet on every game for the next thirty years. Then Michael J. Fox found himself in an alternate 1985 where Biff had become the richest and most powerful man in the country. The ignorant and narcissistic Biff names everything after himself, has a life-sized portrait of himself and throws out childish insults like butthead. Sound familiar? It should. The writers of Back to the Future II actually based alternate 1985 Biff on Donald Trump. Fact. I don't know how they did it, but Michael J. Fox and Doc Brown need to get in their flying DeLorean and fix this shit. Pronto.

5. Apocalypse

Or as I like to call it The Trumpocalypse. Trump is obviously the Antichrist. Need proof? Fine.

According to the Bible, or rather, what Wikipedia says the Bible says, the Antichrist will falsely claim to be the Messiah. You know, like a man who says, “I, alone, can fix all your problems.”

Wikipedia also says the Antichrist will be a “single figure of concentrated evil.” I believe Back to the Future II makes this point quite convincingly. 

I have more theories, but they all pretty much include time travel and alternate realities.

Millions of Americans and people around the world are still experiencing gastrointestinal distress when they hear the words, President-Elect Trump. However, it's important to remain optimistic. We still have many things to look forward to. So many things, in fact, I've made a list.

1. The Non-Existent Wall Along the Southern Border

I, personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump supporter in my office when that dumb ass wall is never built.

2. Alec Baldwin

I, personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump supporter in my office when Donnie is getting into Twitter wars with Alec Baldwin instead of building that dumb ass wall.

3. The Eventual Impeachment of Treasury Secretary Omarosa

Did you know before starring in The Apprentice, Omarosa worked in the Clinton/Gore administration? Fact.

4. The Tell-All Book by Tiffany Trump

Followed by the Lifetime Movie Event based on said book: The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story.

5. The Eventual Impeachment of President Trump

I, personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump supporter in my office when Donnie is forced out of office in shame and that dumb ass wall is never built.

6. The Election of 2020

I've learned two important things from this election. 

1.) We are way overdue for a woman president. (Well, I already knew that, but I really believed it was going to happen this time. Unfortunately, I kept overestimating the intelligence of the American people to my own dismay.) 

2.) The American people are stupid enough to vote for a TV star with no experience in public office.

This brings us to the election of 2020 and my unrealistic dream of having Lynda Carter run for the democratic nomination. Lynda Carter is a TV star, best known for playing Wonder Woman, who is currently playing the president on Supergirl. Therefore, we know she can act like a president at the very least. I think her husband is a senator or something, so she probably knows more about the government than Trump. Also, it would be the coolest thing ever if she wore the tiara and Wonder Woman cape on Inauguration Day.

Lynda Carter 2020!

Namaste, Bitches


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