Wednesday, May 25, 2016

It Takes a Village... The Unauthorized Biogrpahy of Hillary Clinton

Deliver Us from Evil
The Unauthorized Biography of Hillary Rodham Clinton

I've wanted to write a biography of Hillary Clinton ever since I finished writing the biography of Donald Trump. More importantly, I wanted to write a biography which paints Hillary Clinton in a flattering light with no flaws. Of course, she has flaws like everyone else, but unlike everyone else her flaws are over-exaggerated way beyond the point of absurdity. And frankly, it annoys the shit out of me. (See: Lasso of Truth, In Her Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights... and You Got to Know When to Hold 'Em.)

Fortunately, Donald Trump has changed the definitions of "credible sources" and "facts." (See: The Art of a Deal... With the Devil.) Donnie makes false claims such as, having the number one show on television, and no one challenges him on it. Ergo, I can make false claims such as, Hillary Clinton was the first person to dip chocolate in peanut butter thus, discovering the two great tastes that taste great together. This unauthorized biography of Hillary Clinton will be the greatest unauthorized biography God ever created.

Miracle On North Ashland St.
Less than a year after Mary Anne Trump gave birth, the news of the demon spawn's arrival quickly spread to Paradise Island, home of the Amazon women. Queen Hippolyta had a vision on a mountain or in a cave or wherever Amazon queens have visions. In Hippolyta's vision of the future she saw the demon spawn rise to power where he obliterated most of the world with a nuclear attack. He deported all Americans with skin tone darker than orange to Mexico, then built a wall to prevent them from returning. Most frighteningly of all, he created a race of chinless Stepford Women with boob implants so ridiculously large they could barely walk upright. The demon spawn declared, "It's very hard for a flat-chested woman to be a '10.' " Queen Hippolyta knew it was once again up to the Amazons to save all humankind. Having already sent her only daughter, Princess Diana, to defeat Hitler, Hippolyta sent the clone of her only daughter, Donna Troy, to defeat the demon spawn.

(Princess Diana is Wonder Woman, Princess of the Amazons. Princess Diana, Princess of Wales is a different person whom the demon spawn, a.k.a. Trump, may have killed. Also, Donna Troy, clone of Princess Diana, a.k.a. Wonder Woman, isn't me. I'm not an immortal Amazon princess... yet.)

Donna Troy traveled to Chicago where she met Hugh and Dorothy Rodham who were expecting their first child. Hugh was a small business owner and a Republican. The Republican Party of 1947 was much different than the Republican Party of today. Being a Republican didn't automatically make one an asshole. Dorothy Rodham had a rough childhood. Her parents were crazy and they ultimately sent Dorothy and her siblings to live with their grandparents who were even crazier. At the age of fourteen, Dorothy was totally over it. She left home and supported herself as a housekeeper earning three dollars a week at the height of The Great Depression. Dorothy also worked out a deal with her employer so she could attend high school. (Stamp that shit on your women's card, Donnie.)

Donna Troy knew she found the perfect family to nurture the Amazon Goddess who would ultimately defeat the demon spawn. Donna sprinkled magical Amazon dust on Dorothy and on October 26, 1947, Hillary Diane Rodham, future first woman President of the United States, was born.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson became the first African American signed to a major league contract. Racial barriers, which had held our country back for centuries and oppressed millions, began breaking down upon Hillary Rodham's birth.

Also, in 1947, just a few short months after Hillary Rodham's birth, Meet the Press debuted on NBC. I'm not saying the birth of Hillary Rodham had anything to do with the success of Meet the Press. I'm just saying there aren't a lot of TV shows still airing today that began in 1947.

The Wonder Years
Hillary Rodham's childhood was that of a typical overachiever, which one would have to be in order to become the first woman President of the United States. She participated in the Girl Scouts, the student council, the school newspaper, the National Honor Society and the Justice League.

At the age of thirteen and still living in a Republican household, Hillary Rodham did canvassing work for the Nixon campaign in Chicago during the 1960 presidential election. This was before Nixon crossed over to the dark side. Nixon was more Anakin Skywalker in 1960.

In 1965, Hillary Rodham began attending Wellesley College, majoring in political science. Wellesley is a private women's college, much like Paradise Island is private Amazon women's island. It's been speculated Hillary Rodham spent her college years learning to be both a political leader and an Amazon Warrior. Unfortunately, our deeply misogynist patriarchal society doesn't award degrees for Badass Amazon Warrior shit.

Also, in 1965, Days of Our Lives debuted on NBC. It's the only soap opera still airing on NBC. It can't be confirmed if Hillary Rodham's Badass Amazon Warrior shit has anything to do with the longevity of Days of Our Lives. However, it's been suggested that Hillary's very existence is somehow connected to the longevity of Meet the Press. While we're on the subject of Days of Our Lives, would you people please quit fucking around with the back story of John Black? Seriously, Donna Troy's origins are easier to follow and Donna Troy's origins aren't easy to follow.

In 1968, Hillary attended the Republican National Convention. Hillary was repulsed by the "veiled" racist messages of the Republican Party. Badass Amazon Warriors can sense when some dark shit is about to go down. Hillary left the Republican Party. Forever. Shortly after Rodham's departure Nixon went all Darth Vader in that motherfucker.

Also, in 1968, NBC aired the famous Elvis '68 Comeback Special. It was the highest rated show on NBC that year. Is Hillary Rodham's rejection of the Republican Party connected with the comeback of Elvis Presley? Let's look at the facts. Twenty-four years later, presidential candidate and husband of the future first woman President, William Jefferson Clinton, would perform "Heartbreak Hotel" on The Arsenio Hall Show.

After earning her degree at Wellesley, Rodham began attending Yale Law School in 1969. Most people agree admission into Yale Law School is way more impressive than admission to the Wharton School of Business. Yale Law School produces presidents, such as President William Jefferson Clinton and future first woman President Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Also, in 1969, Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. Hillary Rodham is the only future first woman President of the United States to have witnessed the moon landing on TV. When it happened, of course. Future non-first women presidents will be able to watch it on YouTube anytime they want.

While attending Yale, Hillary met Bill Clinton in 1971. He first proposed to her after they graduated from Yale in 1973. Hillary declined stating, "You gots to work for this, Bubba."

The West Wing
She finally married Bill on October 11, 1975, and became known as Hillary Rodham Clinton. Also, on October 11, 1975, Saturday Night Live debuted on NBC. Another long running NBC show with a connection to Hillary Clinton. And the title of this section of Clinton's biography is The West Wing, which is another successful NBC show. What's up with that?

Through the latter part of the Seventies and all through the Eighties, the Clintons lived in Arkansas. Bill became governor. They had a daughter, Chelsea. Hillary continued her legal work and began getting more involved in public work. She aided in bringing about change to important causes such as child welfare, foster care, education, the environment, healthcare and the failing NBC primetime line-up of the late Seventies and early Eighties. Clinton was also the first person in the whole world to solve a Rubik's Cube. It was during these years that Republican leaders first started to feel itchy around Hillary Clinton. They were suspicious of a First Lady who had goals beyond hosting dinners at the Governor's Mansion and some of them had been fans of Hello, Larry.

(If you're under forty, you didn't get the Hello, Larry joke. Hello, Larry was a notoriously bad sitcom on NBC. It was notoriously bad due to the stupid decisions of the star, McLean Stevenson. Stevenson had been on M.A.S.H. He left the hit series because he wasn't the star. Since M.A.S.H. took place in a war the producers killed his dumbass off ensuring his dumbass could never return. This led to Stevenson starring in Hello, Larry with a Harlem Globe Trotter. M.A.S.H. it was not. Fun fact: Kim Richards played one of the daughters on Hello, Larry. Richards can currently be seen as a drunken mess on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.)

This brings us to 1992, when Governor Bill Clinton ran for President. His opponents were incumbent President George H. W. Bush and an eccentric billionaire named H. Ross Perot. Campaigning was relatively easy for Bill Clinton because his opponents were ridiculous people. Clinton also had a secret weapon, Hillary.

During the campaign, the Clintons had an interview with 60 Minutes. Hillary made the following statement: "I'm not sitting here – some little woman standing by my man like Tammy Wynette." Badass Amazonians everywhere rejoiced. However, this statement set off itchy Republican trigger fingers. Republican voters from Louisiana all the way to Alabama were pissed. Country music fans, women with no self-esteem, The Nashville Network, misogynistic assholes, and Tammy Wynette all lost their shit. For the record, Tammy Wynette was married five times. Her song should have been called, "Stand By A Man."

(Note: The Nashville Network no longer exists. Viacom turned it into Spike, a network for men. Did someone say vast rightwing conspiracy?)

In November of 1992, Bill Clinton won the presidential election. Hillary Clinton became the first future first woman President of the United States to be First Lady.

Also in 1992, Dateline NBC made its debut. A show which still airs today and is notable for catching predators. You know who's really good at catching predators? Badass Amazon Warriors. Coincidence? No.

For the next eight years, Hillary Clinton used her position as First Lady to bring significant and remarkable change to the world. The Internet, the computer mouse, voicemail, DVDs, cell phones and Vanilla Coke were all used at the White House for the first time when the Clintons were in office.

Hillary Clinton was the first First Lady to have an office in the West Wing. Instead of redecorating the White House like many a First Lady before her, Hillary helped Bill do president shit. Thanks to Hillary's efforts, the Nineties were a time of peace and prosperity. She also devoted a great amount of her time and resources to reforming healthcare, which has always been fucked up in America despite the current vast rightwing conspiracy that blames Obama for your rash. Republicans literally got itchy trigger fingers over Hillary's healthcare work. So much so that Hillary had to wear a bulletproof vest during a bus tour in 1994. (Fact.) Fortunately, Hillary possesses the Amazonian skill of dodging bullets. And I'm happy to report not a single American died from Polio, Scurvy, Rickets, the Zika virus or demonic possession during the Clinton Administration.

We all know the late Nineties weren't a good time for the Clintons. I'm going to gloss over that whole situation the same way Ben Carson glosses over Donald Trump's crazy. There are two Bill Clintons. One of them is in love with an Amazon Warrior Goddess who will be the first woman President of the United States. The other one has a thing for white trash chicks.

The year 2000 was the final year of the Clinton Administration. It was the year that almost wasn't, but Hillary was able to prevent Y2K from happening with Badass Amazon Technology shit.

In November of 2000, Al Gore won the presidential election and George W. Bush became the forty-third President of the United States.

House of Cards
Immediately following the Clinton Administration, Donna Troy came back to the United States with a message for Hillary that Queen Hippolyta had sent for her. Donna and Hillary flew to Paradise Island via invisible jet. They were met at the airport by Princess Diana, a.k.a. Wonder Woman, who escorted them to the palace.

The ladies had a lovely dinner with the queen and perhaps had pie for dessert. After dinner, Queen Hippolyta told Hillary of the existence of the demon spawn and her vision of his rise to power. To which Hillary responded, "Oh yeah, I know that guy. He tried to sell me a steak at a Sharper Image."

The Queen then explained how Hillary would defeat him by becoming the first woman President of the United States. Hillary loved the idea and especially loved the thought of defeating the demon spawn with some Badass Amazon Warrior shit. Although she wondered aloud why the Queen didn't send Diana or Donna to be President. The Queen explained, "Diana was born on an island no one has heard of and Donna is her clone. Neither has a U.S. birth certificate and that would cause some shit." (And yes, the Queen said it would cause some shit. That's how the queen talks. Because she's the queen and she can say whatever the fuck she wants.)

The Queen then detailed the path to the presidency. First, Hillary would need to become a senator in New York, the demon spawn's home state. New York has a lot of electoral votes and this would take away the demon's advantage. Next, Hillary would run for President in 2008, but she wouldn't win. This run was only practice to prepare to go against the demon spawn. After that, Hillary would become Secretary of State for a term, then rest up for the battle with the demon spawn.

Hillary Clinton returned to the United States and did all that shit.

While Hillary was doing all that shit, the demon spawn starred in a reality show on none other than NBC. He thinks his show makes him hot shit, but the joke's on him. Hillary's ties with the Peacock Network go all the way back to 1947. In fact, NBC stands for Nobody Beats Clinton.

Hillary Clinton entered the race for the Democratic nomination for President in 2015. Shortly after, the demon spawn entered the race for the Republican nomination. The battle may be rough. The demon spawn knows lots of dirty tricks and is a notoriously sore loser. He recently came up with a new clever name for Clinton, "Heartless Hillary." This was on the same day he pledged to do away with gun-free zones while Hillary was meeting with the mother of Trayvon Martin.

The demon spawn hates women because some women are flat-chested and therefore have nothing of value to contribute to society. And also because women who aren't flat-chested won't date him just because he calls them a "10." The demon spawn believes he'll win the election because Hillary is playing the "women's card." What he doesn't know is Hillary doesn't play cards like some trick hanging outside a Trump Casino. She's been at Paradise Island learning Badass Amazon Warrior shit. And Badass Amazon Warrior shit trumps all the cards he's got up his four-thousand dollar sleeve.

When Hillary Clinton defeats the demon spawn in November he probably won't take it well. He's been reported as a notoriously sore loser and a woman-hater. When he loses to a woman he might actually burst into flames. In which case Hillary Clinton's acceptance speech on election night might begin like this: "We don't need no water. Let the motherfucker burn."

Namaste, Bitches

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Art of a Deal... Appendix I

One day after this biography was published, it was "leaked" to the press that Donald Trump used to act as his own press agent. The most likely culprit of this "leak" is Donald Trump, a.k.a. John Miller, a.k.a. John Barron. Why did he "leak" it? Why doesn't he get a decent hair cut? Because as long as people are talking about him, Donnie doesn't really give a shit why. If we, as a nation, made the decision to never speak of his hair again, tomorrow he would show up on Meet the Press with an orange Mohawk or "Trumphawk."

Trump "leaked" a tape from 1991 of "John Miller" speaking with a People Magazine reporter. "John Miller" felt it in Trump's best interest to share with People Magazine the litany of famous women trying to date The Donnie. I think we all know this information is of vital concern to real estate investors. Among the list of famous bitches was Madonna, whom "John Miller" claimed was actively pursuing Donnie. That very same year Madonna released a song called "Rescue Me," causing most to assume Trump was "dating" Madonna the same way he was "dating" Princess Diana.

Donnie picked interesting names for his aliases. For instance, John Miller is so generic he might as well have used the name John I-Know-I'm-Not-Fooling-Anyone. On the other hand, John Barron links him ever closer to the death of Elvis Presley. Hardcore Elvis fans know Elvis had chosen the name John Barron, had his child been born a boy, which Lisa Marie was not. This is noted in plenty of Elvis biographies. Look it up. You're probably not going to look it up. Check it. Elvis Aaron Presley had a twin brother who died at birth named Jesse Garron. Elvis wanted to continue the rhyming middle names thing with John Barron. There is even an Elvis tribute band called The John Barron Band. Trump uses the name John Barron when pretending to be his own publicist. Then later, Trump names his fifth chinless Stepford child Barron. Add to that, Trump has already been linked to the death of Elvis twice in my original biography and once earlier in this paragraph. It's all too much to dismiss.

The numerous aliases add a whole new level of creepy to Trump's checkered and possibly deadly past. Superheroes use secret identities in comic books, however, in real life only criminals have secret identities. Some of my nerdier readers may note Donna Troy is a comic book name. To that I say, fuck you. It could be my name, too. You don't know my life.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

The Art of a Deal... With the Devil - The Unauthorized Biography of Donald Trump

The Untold Story of the Devil's Trip to Queens Years Before He Went Down to Georgia
The Unauthorized Biography of Donald J. Trump

I've wanted to write a biography of Donald Trump ever since yesterday. I would've gotten around to it sooner, but I didn't want to be bothered with fact-checking, citing sources and verifying shit. That's way more work than I'm willing to put into this. Then I remembered a few months ago Trump cited the Washington Post as reporting he's a "world-class businessman." The statement to which he is referring is a direct quote from Donald Trump. Now I know I can quote myself and call me a credible source. Thus making biography writing super easy. Thanks, Donnie.

The Prince of Darkness of Queens
Most people know the story of the Devil's trip to Georgia. In 1979, the Devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for a soul to steal. He was in a bind because he was way behind. He was willing to make a deal. What most people don't know is the devil got behind because he'd been busy with the Trump family for thirty-four years.

In 1945, World War II ended and the Devil was not pleased with the outcome. Never the quitter, he began preparing for World War III that same year. He traveled the world looking for the perfect family to plant his demon seed before settling on the Trump family in Queens, NY. Fred Trump was the owner of a real estate company. He was married to some chick named Mary Anne. Fred Trump became rich during the Great Depression by creating supermarkets. It takes a certain kind of evil to profit off the hunger of one's neighbors. The Devil knew he'd found his man.

The Trumps already had three children Fred probably didn't want, and he probably didn't want a fourth. But once the Devil promised to make Fred even richer by developing low-income housing for whites only, Fred signed on the dotted line. In blood. No fiddle playing was involved. Some chick named Mary Anne was then implanted with the demon seed and nine months later Donald Trump was born. The story of Trump's birth would later be chronicled in both the book Rosemary's Baby and the movie of the same name. The Rosemary's Baby story was reported in a previous post on this blog entitled Roe Be•trayed. If that's not enough to convince you, both Mary Anne and Rosemary have Mary in their names. What's up with that?

Need more? Fine. The movie Rosemary's Baby was directed by convicted rapist, Roman Polanski. Donald Trump has been endorsed by convicted rapist, Mike Tyson. The star of the film, Mia Farrow, was married to Woody Allen who later left her to marry their daughter. Donald Trump wants to date his daughter. His daughter, Ivanka, not Tiffany, his daughter with Marla Maples whom he barely acknowledges is a person.

The Miseducation of Satan
Not much is known of Donald Trump's childhood until age thirteen when he was shipped to military school due to "behavioral problems." Donald Trump was thirteen in 1959. Also in 1959, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens (a Mexican) were killed in a plane crash. (Additional details from this historic plane crash can be found in another post on this blog entitled Orange is the New Black.) We don't know for sure if Donnie was involved, but it might explain his obsession with Gary Busey. Busey famously played Buddy Holly in The Buddy Holly Story. Trump's had that guy on The Apprentice as many times as Omarosa. Like Omarosa, Trump never lets him win. Does Donnie keep firing Busey to relive the thrill of killing Buddy Holly?

Trump finished high school, then attended the Wharton School of Business. A degree from the Wharton School of Business is extremely impressive to students of the Wharton School of Business. No one else gives a shit. While attending the Wharton School of Business, The Donnie received a draft notice. He was able to avoid the draft with a medical deferment due to heel spurs or a heel spur, depending on when you ask him. "Heel spur" is Satan code for hooves. A fact I just made up and can be verified in the previous sentence. The United States lost the Vietnam War. I'm not saying Trump had anything to do with it, but it's very strange. He wouldn't go to war, then America lost the war. People can read about it for themselves.

The Donnie graduated from the Wharton School of Business in 1968. In the 1970s, he received a small loan of a million dollars from his father, Satan, not Fred Trump. Donnie moved to Manhattan and started his own real estate business where he built tacky gold monstrosities and threw black people out on the street. He also bought the Grand Hyatt hotel in the Seventies. The Watergate scandal took place in the Seventies at the Watergate Hotel. I'm not saying Trump was involved in the Watergate scandal. I'm just saying it's strange a scandal happened at a hotel in the same decade Trump went into the hotel business.

The Devil Wears Prada
In 1977, Donnie married Ivana I-Can't-Spell-Her-Last-Name, currently known as Ivana Trump. Elvis Presley turned down an invitation to Trump's wedding and died later that same year of either a drug overdose or constipation. We can't confirm if Trump had any connection to Presley's death. However, Trump has been linked to the death of Presley's future son-in-law later in this biography.

Ivana gave birth to three of Trump's chinless Stepford Children between the years 1977 and 1984. The 1987 made-for-TV movie The Stepford Children starring Barbara Eden is based on the Trump kids. The Donnie was so enraged by this movie he flew to Midland, TX, where he threw a baby down a well. Baby Jessica was trapped for fifty-eight hours because Barbara Eden pissed off Donald Trump.

By the 1980s, Donnie was richer than his father, Fred Trump, not Satan. Blah... blah... blah... lots of buildings.... Blah... blah... blah... Trump Taj Mahal.... Blah... blah... blah... casinos, golf courses.... Blah... blah... blah... Trump Tower.

In the 1990s, Trump cheated on Ivana with some slut named Marla Maples who claims to be an actress. You may know her from such films as.... Marla gave birth to The Donnie's fourth chinless Stepford Child, Tiffany, whom he barely acknowledges is a person. And doesn't want to date because he's busy trying to get all up in Ivanka. The Nineties were a rough time for The Donnie. He filed for bankruptcy a couple hundred times and divorced Marla Maples about five minutes after he married her and had that baby no one wanted.

Following his second divorce, Trump went all Travis Bickle on recently divorced Princess Diana. In Donnie's mind they were totally hooking up. In Lady Diana's reality there was an international restraining order. Diana was killed in a car accident shortly after Trump got served. I'm not saying Donnie had anything to do with Diana's death. I'm just saying Travis Bickle attempted to assassinate a senator because he was obsessed Cybil Shepherd. And John Hinkley, Jr. went all Travis Bickle on Jodie Foster and attempted to assassinate President Reagan. And Trump stole Reagan's campaign slogan. People can draw their own conclusions.

The Devil's Playground
In the new millennium, Donnie married a nude model named Melania Knauss who gave birth to his fifth chinless Stepford Child, Barron. (For more on the nude modeling career of Melania Trump, see a post entitled Bare Naked Ladies on this blog site.) Donnie is very much in love with his young wife, but has stated he would leave her in a heartbeat if Ivanka would have him.

In 2003, Donnie began starring on a reality show The Apprentice. He claimed it was the number one show on television. It was not. American Idol was a ratings powerhouse. Millions and millions of people tuned in to watch Clay Aiken lose to Ruben Studdard. Trump never forgot it and vowed he would exact revenge upon Clay Aiken. The Donnie created a celebrity version of The Apprentice called Celebrity Apprentice and patiently waited for Aiken's fifteen minutes to end. Luckily for The Donnie, Aiken's rise to superstardom lasted exactly fifteen minutes. Donnie lured Aiken into competing on Celebrity Apprentice. At the risk of making Lou Ferrigno angry (you wouldn't like him when he's angry), Trump let Aiken make it all the way to the finale. At long last, Trump had his revenge. Eleven, possibly twelve people tuned in to watch Clay Aiken lose to Arsenio Hall.

Also, in the 2000s, LaToya Jackson made Celebrity Apprentice history by being fired and re-hired and fired again. Trump then created a show called Celebrity Apprentice All Stars where he fired LaToya Jackson a third time. Michael Jackson and Donald Trump were "good friends" according to Donnie and no one else. Michael Jackson had an apartment in Trump Tower. Michael died suddenly in 2009. Why is nobody talking about this? I just think it's strange Michael Jackson dies and then we learn he had an apartment in Trump Tower at some point during the previous fifty years. Then, Trump casts MJ's sister on his reality show and fires her mercilessly three times. Could he be reliving the thrill of killing Michael Jackson? I read somewhere in something I wrote twenty minutes ago that Trump keeps firing Gary Busey to relive the thrill of killing Buddy Holly. I don't want to say it's suspicious, but it's suspicious.

The Devil's In The House of The Rising Sun
In 2015, The Donnie began fulfilling his destiny and planted the seeds for the beginning of World War III by announcing his candidacy for President of the United States.

In the midst of Trump's race for the White House, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was found dead in a hotel room. The cause of death was determined to be natural causes. Donnie has suggested his death may have been murder. Stating it's unusual for a seventy-nine year old man to drop dead. Trump also said it's strange a pillow was found near Scalia's face. In the bed. Where he died. What could make Donnie so sure it's murder? Perhaps he's bothered because Scalia's death was attributed to natural causes instead of his own demonic work? I'm not saying The Donnie killed Antonin Scalia, but he has been linked to the deaths of Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens, Elvis Presley, Princess Diana and Michael Jackson in this very biography. Look it up.

More recently, after years of bloodshed, making chinless Stepford Children, and mysterious deaths of beloved entertainers, Donald Trump has been named the presumptive nominee of the Republican Party. He must now destroy Hillary Clinton in his quest to become the Fuhrer in Chief of the United States. He's wasted no time in trying to take down Secretary Clinton. He's given her a clever nickname, Crooked Hillary. He's blamed her for her husband's infidelities. He's accused her of playing the women's card, which is just fucked up when he dealt the cards in the first place. And I quote:
"Johnny, rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard. 'Cause hell's broke loose in Georgia and the Devil deals the cards."
The previous quote is either from The Bible or Gone With The Wind or The Charlie Daniels Band. Regardless, Trump hasn't been able to take out Clinton with his nefarious card playing. Clinton currently leads Trump in most national polls.

Hillary Clinton has responded to Trump with the class befitting a future president. But in my mind she said, "Donnie, just come on back if you ever want to try again. I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best there's ever been."

Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, May 7, 2016

The Amazing Racist

Previously on The Republican Apprentice... Over the last fifty-two weeks the candidates fought to win the approval of the uneducated electorate. They faced tough challenges each week such as: convincing the American public Planned Parenthood employees dine on embryos, or that the Biblical Joseph built the Egyptian pyramids to store grain. Some went down without a fight. Others rose to the occasion with name calling, verbal abuse, mud slinging and bloodshed. Literally, blood was shed. In the end no money was raised for charity, but the Kennedy assassination was solved. We began with seventeen contestants. Who will win? And who will be named The Biggest Loser?

Rick Perry, Scott Walker, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki and Bobby I-Have-A-Tan-I'm-Not-Indian Jindal were somehow all voted off the island before a single vote was cast.

This was Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's second bid for the Republican nomination. Reality TV viewers grew familiar with Governor Huckabee through his association to the Duggar family of 19 Kids and Counting. And by "association" I mean his shameless defense of a serial child molester. After a poor showing in Iowa, Huckabee joined Team Trump. He defended Trump's racist bullshit by claiming Trump isn't as sensitive to racism because he's not from the South. And this makes sense because... no.

Senator Rand Paul came out swinging and called Donald Trump an orange-faced windbag. Trump counterpunched by pointing out Paul's polling numbers were so low he shouldn't even be on the debate stage. Then Paul's numbers got so low he wasn't on the debate stage. Then Iowa voted and Rand Paul didn't receive a rose. Rand now says he'll support Trump if he's the Republican nominee. Orange-Faced Windbag 2016!

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum dropped out of the race the same day as Rand Paul. No one noticed he was gone.
Carly Fiorina was fired from her CEO position at Hewlett Packard, and she ran a failed senate campaign. This extensive background in failure helped when she failed to convince the public she saw a video of Planned Parenthood employees eating embryos. She also failed to produce said video. According to Donald Trump, her campaign for the presidency failed because she's ugly. Fiorina later joined Team Cruz and was his VP pick for seven whole days before failing yet again. Probably because she's ugly. Look for Carly on an upcoming episode of the E! plastic surgery series Botched.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ran under the campaign slogan, "Telling it like it is." And Christie went after Trump. Hard. He warned poorly educated voters not to vote for an "entertainer in chief" and told them Trump doesn't have the first idea of how to run a government. He called Trump "unqualified in temperament and experience." Then Christie fell for Trump. Hard. Like he's so in love with Donald Trump it's literally painful to watch. The cast of Jersey Shore will be holding an intervention for their fallen governor on an upcoming episode of A&E's Intervention.

Two days later, Jim Gilmore dropped out of the race. Begging the question, who the fuck is Jim Gilmore? And how did he last so long?

At the start of the race everyone thought Florida Governor Jeb! Bush was the one to beat. The Donnie went after him immediately. And he went after him Omarosa style. He called Jeb! a low-energy light-weight. Donnie blamed Jeb! for the Iraq war and the 7-Eleven attacks. Because Jeb! has the same last name as his brother, President George W. Bush, who engaged the U.S. in the Iraq war. George W. was also President when Rafael Cruz, father of Ted Lucifer Cruz, orchestrated the 7-Eleven attacks with Lee Harvey Oswald. That's why you can't get a Super Big Gulp in New York to this day. Jeb! wasn't having any of that. He fought back. Sort of. He looked down and shook his head a lot with a goofy kind of grin. If you listen closely during the Republican debates you can hear him mumble, "I can't believe this shit is happening. I should have been President. My dumbass brother fucks up everything."

Jeb! pulled out all the stops to win in South Carolina. He added an exclamation point to his name. He came up with a great new slogan, "Jeb! Can Fix It. Sorry, My Brother Broke It." He somehow managed to get his mother, Barbara Bush, to leave the crypt and campaign for him. But it was all over when Donnarosa teased him for campaigning with his "mommy." Jeb! dropped out of the race after a poor showing in South Carolina and joined Team Cruz. Jeb! has turned his attention to competing on the upcoming season of America's Got Talent where he will dance The Macarena. Please clap.

Dr. Ben Carson ran on breaking down stereotypes. For example, the stereotype that all brain surgeons are smart has been crushed. Like Fiorina and Trump, Dr. Carson has no background in elected office. In his autobiography he told of his wild youth when he attempted to bludgeon his mother with a hammer and stab a friend. He also claimed he'd been offered a scholarship to West Point despite the fact that West Point doesn't award scholarships. The liberal media dug into these stories and found no corroborating evidence. Dr. Carson got angry and you wouldn't like him when he's angry. He called it a media witch hunt to dig into his childhood. Just because he wrote a book about it doesn't give the liberal media the right to fact check the book. Dr. Carson sure as hell didn't. Dr. Carson did sign off on a TV movie based on said book starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. (As a fan of TV movies starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. as an alleged knife-wielding psychopath, I recommend American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson. It's twice as stabby as Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story.)

Despite running on a life story that was complete bullshit, Dr. Carson was poised to do well in Iowa. That was before he was dealt a one-two punch by both Ted Lucifer Cruz and The Donnie. The Lucifer campaign started a rumor that Dr. Carson was dropping out of the race the morning of the caucus. The Donnie called Dr. Carson "a pathological," whatever that means, and compared him to a child molester.

Dr. Carson was unable to recover and soon after dropped out of the race. He has since joined Team Trump. When asked how he could support Trump after the things he's said about him, Dr. Carson responded, "There are two Donald Trumps." He wasn't speaking metaphorically. The doctor literally believes Donald Trump has an evil twin. Luckily, you don't have to be a brain surgeon to model. Congratulations, Dr. Ben Carson, you're still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model.

Florida Senator "Little" Marco Rubio would probably still be in the race if he hadn't made one fatal mistake. During a campaign stop, he made a joke about Donald Trump's tiny orange hands in relation to his tiny orange penis. The rest is tiny orange history. "Little" Marco will be performing his stand up routine on an upcoming episode of Little Big Shots with Steve Harvey.

Texas Senator Ted Lucifer-In-The-Flesh Cruz vowed to see the race through to the convention in July. Though no mathematical way to the nomination existed, he stated repeatedly the race would go to a contested convention. Lucifer and The Donnie traded blows for months culminating in a winner-take-all fight in Indiana, which some have been referring to as Raiders of the Lost Trailer Park.

After losing five boardrooms or "primaries" the previous week, Lucifer Cruz was leaving nothing to chance. He formed alliances with former adversaries John Kasich and Carly Fiorina. Kasich, who was still in the race for reasons known only to him, agreed not to campaign in Indiana. Why Kasich chose not to campaign before he agreed to the alliance is anyone's guess. Then in an a surprising twist, Cruz chose three time loser Carly Fiorina as his running mate.

The day before the primary, Lucifer tried to debate with Trump supporters on the street. This proved to be as effective as debating Trump himself. After losing the parking lot debate to a man in a dirty sweatshirt, Cruz redeemed himself later that day by fighting with a ten-year-old boy at a rally. The little boy in question was removed by security after he yelled, "you suck," at Lucifer.

But The Donnie proved to be a tougher competitor than Lucifer knew. Trump dropped a bombshell on the day of the primary. Rafael Cruz, father of Lucifer, was involved in the Kennedy assassination. Donnie knows this because he read it in a "credible publication," The National Enquirer. I heard from a "credible source" that Donnie and the owner of The National Enquirer are BFFs. By "credible source" I mean it's something my brother told me. Since Donnie has redefined the word "credible," it works.

Donnie Trump overwhelmingly won the Indiana primary and Lucifer Cruz dropped out of the race, which means one or possibly both of the following things must be true:

Rafael Cruz was actually involved in the Kennedy assassination. He is the father of Lucifer, so it's not that wild a stretch.


Ted Cruz really is "Lucifer In The Flesh," as John Boehner pronounced him. The good people of Indiana met in a cornfield, sprinkled some holy water on a Ted Cruz doll they carved out of a corncob and shouted to the skies, "The power of Christ compels you!" Then Lucifer quietly slunk away to Canada. Or Texas. Or Cuba. Or a Ramada Inn in Indianapolis. I don't know. The devil is everywhere.

Since leaving the Republican race, Lucifer Cruz has devoted his time to suing Gordon Ramsey for the right's to Hell's Kitchen. Hell and all it's subsidiaries are the trademark property of Lucifer Cruz, Inc.

The day after Lucifer dropped out of the race, John Kasich finally realized there was no point in continuing his pancake tour across the U.S. He will be a guest judge on an upcoming episode of MasterChef.

And finally, The Cheese Stands Alone. Donald J. Trump is the presumptive nominee of the Republican Party. After eleven months of lying, bragging, bullying, threatening nuclear war with our allies, building imaginary walls to keep our neighbors out, belittling women, belittling the handicapped, belittling veterans, belittling Hispanics, belittling Muslims, belittling African-Americans, belittling the Pope and generally being an all around douche bag, Donald J. Trump has been crowned The Amazing Racist.

Coming this November... Presidential Apprentice All Stars. Trump will compete with Hillary Clinton, possibly Bernie Sanders, but most likely Hillary Clinton. America will decide the winner.

The winner, most likely Hillary Clinton, but possibly Bernie Sanders, will win the White House.

The loser, most likely Donald Trump, but possibly the entire United States of America, will be deported. You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, May 1, 2016

You Got to Know When to Hold 'Em

The self-proclaimed presumptive nominee of the Republican party, Donald J. Trump, said more weird shit during his victory speech on the most recent Super Tuesday. (Can we as a nation stop calling every Tuesday with more than one primary a Super Tuesday? Or at least let's give them subtitles like movie sequels – Super Tuesday II: White House Boogaloo.) If I understand Donnie correctly, admission of ovary possession in an election is akin to counting cards at a Blackjack table in one of his many fine casinos. This is The Donnie's actual quote: "I think the only card she has is the women's card. Frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don't think she would get 5% of the vote." What the hell kind of Rain Man bullshit...? Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Donald Trump.

Dear @realDonaldTrump,

Oh, it's on, motherfucker.

Best Wishes,

Donna Troy

P.S. If you were a man you wouldn't have pretty lady fingers. Speaking of pretty lady fingers, I have a pretty lady finger for you.

Trump could have a point about the "women's card." I doubt it, but he could. Hillary Clinton could be winning more votes because she's a woman. I don't know how she lost when she ran before because she was also a woman in 2008.

The first woman to run for President was Victoria Woodhull in 1872. I wish I could say I learned this in a history class. I can't. I learned this from my friend's Pinterest board. Victoria Woodhull didn't become President in 1872. She probably lost because she couldn't play the "women's card." Because women couldn't vote in 1872. She couldn't even vote for herself. Ain't that a bitch.

Roughly seventy-four women have run for President of the United States. Of those, only seventeen received thirty-thousand votes or more. I'll bet you didn't know that many women ran for President. I'll bet you can't name five. It's okay. I'll name them for you.

Hillary Clinton – In 2008, Clinton received 17,857,501 votes. That's more votes than any woman who has ever run for President. That's more votes than any Donald Trump who has ever run for President. No other woman has even received 500,000 votes.

Shirley Chisholm – She received 430,703 votes in 1972. She was the first black candidate of a major party, and the first woman to run for the Democratic nomination. Chisholm had this to say about the campaign, "When I ran for the Congress, when I ran for President, I met more discrimination as a woman than for being black.” I have no punch line here because this just makes a bitch sad.

Margaret Chase Smith – She received 227,007 votes in 1964. She ran as a Republican and I like her anyway. She was the first woman to be on the ballot in a major party convention. She was the first member of Congress to condemn McCarthyism. In a speech known as the Declaration of Conscience, she called it a forum of hate and character assassination. Today, we would call that a Trump rally.

My personal favorite, Gracie Allen – If you're under seventy, you've probably never heard of Gracie Allen. She had a successful comedy career with her husband, George Burns. If you're under seventy and over thirty, George Burns is the old guy with the cigar. (Gracie died way before George. He lived to be about two-hundred and fifty years old. His old ass was still showing up in movies and TV shows in the eighties.) If you're a millennial, you can find clips of Burns and Allen on Youtube. ME TV also shows reruns around one in the morning on Sundays. At least, they used to. I don't get that channel anymore. When I did get that channel, sometimes a bitch had insomnia and I watched Burns and Allen in the middle of the night.

In 1940, Gracie Allen ran for President as a publicity stunt under the Surprise Party. She received 42,000 votes. Unlike Trump, Allen actually had policies in her fake campaign.

Put Congress on a commission basis.

Extend Civil Service to all branches of government, because “a little politeness goes a long way.”

Carly Fiorina – She received 35,951 votes in 2016. Yes, her real presidential campaign received less votes than Gracie Allen's fake presidential campaign. Yet, Ted Cruz believes Fiorina is going to help him win the Republic nomination. Say Good Night, Gracie.

Despite having the "women's cards" in their pockets, all these women had as much chance of becoming President as I have of becoming President of Mexico. Luckily, Hillary Clinton doesn't need to play the "women's card" to beat Donald Trump for many reasons. I shall list some of those reasons now:

She knows how to pronounce Tanzania.

She knows Osama Bin Laden didn't attack a 7-Eleven.

She doesn't want to date her daughter. Not that Chelsea Clinton isn't a lovely woman.

She's never confused a pen with a bomb.

She knows Hawaii is a state and people born there are U.S. citizens.

She knows the "women's card" isn't a thing.

Trump is not-so-secretly pissing in his gold-plated tighty-whities at the idea of going up against Hillary Clinton. As well he should. Capable intelligent women won't engage in his bullshit the way the male Republican candidates did. (Marco Rubio, I'm looking at you.) He tried to pull those shenanigans with Carly Fiorina and got shut the fuck down like a student at Trump University trying to get an education.

Donnie only has a few cards left up his sleeve and they're deuces. He tried to pull what he believes is some sort of slick Jedi mind trick by suggesting Bernie Sanders run as an independent. Bernie Sanders isn't going to collude with Trump's transparent attempt to split the democratic vote in the general election. As the owner of the greatest casinos anywhere in the world, Donnie should know better than to show his hand. Especially when it's so small.

Donnie played the "women's card," not Hillary. And it was a stupid move. Every gambler knows that the secret to surviving is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep. 'Cuz every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser. We can read your poker face, Donnie. Now, Go Fish, Motherfucker.

Namaste, Bitches


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