Sunday, May 1, 2016

You Got to Know When to Hold 'Em

The self-proclaimed presumptive nominee of the Republican party, Donald J. Trump, said more weird shit during his victory speech on the most recent Super Tuesday. (Can we as a nation stop calling every Tuesday with more than one primary a Super Tuesday? Or at least let's give them subtitles like movie sequels – Super Tuesday II: White House Boogaloo.) If I understand Donnie correctly, admission of ovary possession in an election is akin to counting cards at a Blackjack table in one of his many fine casinos. This is The Donnie's actual quote: "I think the only card she has is the women's card. Frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don't think she would get 5% of the vote." What the hell kind of Rain Man bullshit...? Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Donald Trump.

Dear @realDonaldTrump,

Oh, it's on, motherfucker.

Best Wishes,

Donna Troy

P.S. If you were a man you wouldn't have pretty lady fingers. Speaking of pretty lady fingers, I have a pretty lady finger for you.

Trump could have a point about the "women's card." I doubt it, but he could. Hillary Clinton could be winning more votes because she's a woman. I don't know how she lost when she ran before because she was also a woman in 2008.

The first woman to run for President was Victoria Woodhull in 1872. I wish I could say I learned this in a history class. I can't. I learned this from my friend's Pinterest board. Victoria Woodhull didn't become President in 1872. She probably lost because she couldn't play the "women's card." Because women couldn't vote in 1872. She couldn't even vote for herself. Ain't that a bitch.

Roughly seventy-four women have run for President of the United States. Of those, only seventeen received thirty-thousand votes or more. I'll bet you didn't know that many women ran for President. I'll bet you can't name five. It's okay. I'll name them for you.

Hillary Clinton – In 2008, Clinton received 17,857,501 votes. That's more votes than any woman who has ever run for President. That's more votes than any Donald Trump who has ever run for President. No other woman has even received 500,000 votes.

Shirley Chisholm – She received 430,703 votes in 1972. She was the first black candidate of a major party, and the first woman to run for the Democratic nomination. Chisholm had this to say about the campaign, "When I ran for the Congress, when I ran for President, I met more discrimination as a woman than for being black.” I have no punch line here because this just makes a bitch sad.

Margaret Chase Smith – She received 227,007 votes in 1964. She ran as a Republican and I like her anyway. She was the first woman to be on the ballot in a major party convention. She was the first member of Congress to condemn McCarthyism. In a speech known as the Declaration of Conscience, she called it a forum of hate and character assassination. Today, we would call that a Trump rally.

My personal favorite, Gracie Allen – If you're under seventy, you've probably never heard of Gracie Allen. She had a successful comedy career with her husband, George Burns. If you're under seventy and over thirty, George Burns is the old guy with the cigar. (Gracie died way before George. He lived to be about two-hundred and fifty years old. His old ass was still showing up in movies and TV shows in the eighties.) If you're a millennial, you can find clips of Burns and Allen on Youtube. ME TV also shows reruns around one in the morning on Sundays. At least, they used to. I don't get that channel anymore. When I did get that channel, sometimes a bitch had insomnia and I watched Burns and Allen in the middle of the night.

In 1940, Gracie Allen ran for President as a publicity stunt under the Surprise Party. She received 42,000 votes. Unlike Trump, Allen actually had policies in her fake campaign.

Put Congress on a commission basis.

Extend Civil Service to all branches of government, because “a little politeness goes a long way.”

Carly Fiorina – She received 35,951 votes in 2016. Yes, her real presidential campaign received less votes than Gracie Allen's fake presidential campaign. Yet, Ted Cruz believes Fiorina is going to help him win the Republic nomination. Say Good Night, Gracie.

Despite having the "women's cards" in their pockets, all these women had as much chance of becoming President as I have of becoming President of Mexico. Luckily, Hillary Clinton doesn't need to play the "women's card" to beat Donald Trump for many reasons. I shall list some of those reasons now:

She knows how to pronounce Tanzania.

She knows Osama Bin Laden didn't attack a 7-Eleven.

She doesn't want to date her daughter. Not that Chelsea Clinton isn't a lovely woman.

She's never confused a pen with a bomb.

She knows Hawaii is a state and people born there are U.S. citizens.

She knows the "women's card" isn't a thing.

Trump is not-so-secretly pissing in his gold-plated tighty-whities at the idea of going up against Hillary Clinton. As well he should. Capable intelligent women won't engage in his bullshit the way the male Republican candidates did. (Marco Rubio, I'm looking at you.) He tried to pull those shenanigans with Carly Fiorina and got shut the fuck down like a student at Trump University trying to get an education.

Donnie only has a few cards left up his sleeve and they're deuces. He tried to pull what he believes is some sort of slick Jedi mind trick by suggesting Bernie Sanders run as an independent. Bernie Sanders isn't going to collude with Trump's transparent attempt to split the democratic vote in the general election. As the owner of the greatest casinos anywhere in the world, Donnie should know better than to show his hand. Especially when it's so small.

Donnie played the "women's card," not Hillary. And it was a stupid move. Every gambler knows that the secret to surviving is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep. 'Cuz every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser. We can read your poker face, Donnie. Now, Go Fish, Motherfucker.

Namaste, Bitches


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