You may be wondering how this random, half-ass bill came to be. Well, wonder no longer. Through my super special, top secret contacts, or Russian hackers, I was able to get a copy of Donald Trump's diary. Please enjoy the following excerpt.
The Diary of @real Donald J. Trump
March 26, 2017
Hello Diary,
This is Donald J. Trump, business man, billionaire and 45th President of the United States. Husband to Melania and father of Ivanka and others.
It's been a very tough week, Diary. One of the toughest. The fake news keeps talking about Russia. Russia, Russia, Russia. Who cares about Russia? Look, maybe I have a deal with Putin, maybe I don't. I'm the president. I should be able to have private deals with foreign leaders that no one knows about. Hillary Clinton had a private email server and no one made a big deal about that. In a certain way, I kind of miss Hillary Clinton, Diary. Running for president was a lot easier than being president. That I can tell you.
Not only do I have to deal with all this Russia talk, but Paul Ryan pulled our healthcare bill because he said we didn't have enough votes to pass it. I said to him, “Peter, look, I can get the votes. I'm one of the great negotiators. I told the House members they vote yes or they're fired in 2018. He said to me, “My name is Paul, not Peter.” And I said to him, “Oh, yeah? Well I'm the President and you're not - Peter.” Then he told me I can't fire members of Congress. What am I? An idiot? I know I can't “fire” them, but to a certain extent, I can. Say, for example, a certain House Member – we'll call him Peter Ryan – say Peter Ryan wants to vote against my healthcare bill. I explain to Peter Ryan that he leaves me no choice, but to Tweet about the FBI investigation of Peter Ryan's involvement in the Jared, The Subway Guy scandal. Sad! Peter Ryan says that won't work. It's not true. Wrong! This is how it works. Some stupid reporter asks the FBI if my Tweet is true. Maybe the FBI says they can neither confirm nor deny this story. Maybe the FBI says it's not true. Doesn't matter. The story is already out there and people believe it. Say some reporter asks me where I got this information. I say I read it some place. They ask where. I say, “I don't know. You people are the ones who write this stuff.”
Now, the single most important thing here is the American people believe my Tweet. Peter Ryan is up for re-election in 2018, but people can't get the Subway creep out of their minds. Peter Ryan loses and the guy I paid to run against him wins. Now, does Peter Ryan want to vote for my healthcare bill or does he want the entire country to think he's into twelve-year olds? Right. Peter Ryan votes for my bill. Then, in 2018, I “leak” the Subway story anyway. Look, I need people in Congress who pass my bills without giving me a hard time.
You see, Diary, this is how I became president. This is what the fake news media doesn't understand. The American people are very, very – a lot like me, okay, Diary. They don't want to read anything longer than a Tweet. They don't want to watch a whole news program. Who has time for that? I don't have time for that. All I need to hear is the headlines and I base all my decisions off a headline. I understand things better than anyone. And the American people understand that I understand. And what they're learning is – they want to be like Trump. That I can tell you.
All my tax returns for the last 40 years could be leaked. That should be a total disaster because I've only paid, like $15 in federal taxes. Perhaps, maybe, I send out a Tweet saying, “The FAKE NEWS got it wrong again. SAD! Those are Don Jr.'s tax returns. Lawsuit coming.” Then I do an interview with Bill O'Reilly. Great guy, Bill. We've been friends for many, many years. Bill says to me, “Mr. President, how could Don Jr. have 40 years of tax returns when he is only 39 years old?” I say to him, I say, “I don't know, Bill. But that's Don Jr.'s name on those tax returns. That I can tell you. Perhaps, they're fakes. I don't know where this stuff comes from.” And truthfully, Diary, I've been filing all my tax returns under Don Jr.'s name for years. That's a tip I give to people starting out in business. Always name a kid after you. Boy, is he gonna be screwed if we ever do get audited.
Anyway, healthcare. Boy, do I hate wasting my time on healthcare. A great leader delegates and I'm one of the great, great leaders. So, I told Peter Ryan and whoever to work on a healthcare bill and I told them to get it done fast. We need to repeal and replace the disaster known as Obamacare so we can move on to things I want to do. I couldn't believe it, Diary. Could not believe it. Peter Ryan actually said to me, “But, Mr. President, healthcare is really complicated. We need time to negotiate-” I stopped him right there. I said, “Complicated. Get the hell out of here with complicated. It's really very simple. Who's struggling with Obamacare? The insurance companies are who is struggling with Obamacare. You talk to the insurance companies, find out their needs, then write a healthcare bill around that. I don't want to hear any of this 'Oh, but, Mr. Trump, we need more time.' I'm on a very, very tight schedule. Who knows how long I'm going to be here? Could be four years. Could be four months. Who knows?”
So, Peter Ryan and whoever else was working on this come back to me two weeks later with a healthcare bill. Can you believe this, Diary? They spent two whole weeks on healthcare. What the hell took two weeks? I said to Peter Ryan, “What am I paying you for?” He said to me, “You're not paying me.” What a moron. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I said to him, “Who do you think signs the paychecks around here? I'm the president.” He didn't say anything. Not one word. Just shook his head. Idiot.
Anyway, Peter Ryan tells me they want to increase premiums for the elderly. Makes sense. The elderly are always getting sick. They've had their whole lives to get healthy. If they didn't do it, that's their problem. Look at me. I'm 70 and my gastroenterologist says I'm the healthiest president in the history of America. Ever. Peter Ryan says to me we might get some resistance because a lot of elderly people don't have that kind of money. I said, “You've got to be kidding me. Elderly people should have more money than anyone. They've had an entire lifetime of making money. Some of the richest people I know - all my friends are elderly and they have lots and lots of money. Not buying it, Peter. We're raising premiums on the elderly. It's done. What else?”
Peter Ryan says they want to eliminate, maternity leave, prenatal care and pediatric care. Makes sense to me. Babies should be the healthiest people of all. They haven't had a whole lifetime of getting sick. Peter Ryan says the democrats will fight it. Give me a break, democrats. One minute you're pro-choice, ripping babies right out of the mothers' wombs and the next minute you want healthcare for fetuses. Make up your mind, democrats. I told Peter Ryan, I said, “I have five kids and I've never once taken them to the doctor.” Peter Ryan says to me, “I'm sure someone did.” I said, “I don't know about that, but I sure didn't.”
This went on for like two hours. Could not believe it, Diary. Two hours talking about healthcare. I finally got so bored I just said yes to everything. And, as it turns out, we came up with a great, great healthcare plan. One of the best. We cut the wasteful spending on hospitalization, outpatient services, emergency services, preventative care and addiction and mental health treatment. We also gave 24 million Americans the option of not having healthcare if they can't pay for it. In a sense, we were giving them their pride back. The disaster known as Obamacare - and all the “so-called” bleeding heart liberals behind it - singled out poor people. These people must have felt like bums this whole time.
Then Peter Ryan says to me, he says, “How are we going to sell this? There is no healthcare left in the healthcare bill.” I said, “Sure there is. Sure there's healthcare. It's like, you go to the doctor and the part where the nurse takes you back and weighs you and takes your temperature and your blood pressure. That's healthcare now. It's all anyone really needs anyway. Let me tell you something, Peter Parker, healthcare is a total fraud. A complete and total fraud. If people needed healthcare so bad how did I raise 4 healthy kids without ever, not once, taking them to the doctor? Answer me that.” And Peter Parker says to me, “You have 5 kids.” I said, “I know that. I said 5 kids.” But honestly, Diary, sometimes I forget about Tiffany. What a total mistake that was. She wouldn't even be here if republicans were pro-choice. I definitely never took that one to the doctor. That I can tell you. Marla only got pregnant so she'd have her hands in my money for the rest of her life. Ay-yay-yay, I shouldn't have married that one. And, truthfully, I only did it to piss off Ivana. Speaking of Ivana, I'm giving Ivanka an office in the White House. She, along with former Celebrity Apprentice champion, Piers Morgan, are going to be my eyes and ears. They will report back to me. And remember, somebody will be fired. I'm looking at you, Peter Piper.
Namaste, Bitches
