Friday, June 29, 2018

Blue Wave: The Awakening

When I read Hillary Clinton's book, “What Happened,” I was struck by something we have in common.  Hillary wrote about the breakneck pace of news since Trump has taken office and how it makes it difficult to write. She said many a breaking news story would force her to rewrite an entire chapter. When I read that I immediately started talking back to my Kindle, like so:

“Tell me about it, Hillary. Do you have any idea how many blogs I've completed only to have to start over because Rachel Maddow reported breaking news at nine forty at night? I posted a blog about the Me Too Movement (Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit) on a Sunday night. The following morning, I woke up to a news alert on my phone: NBC Fires Matt Lauer. I shouted, “Son of a Bitch,” to the confusion of my neighbor who was walking her dog past my open window. It's a pain in the ass to keep up, Hillz. It really is.”

Last week, a friend dragged me to see Pod Save America live. As I had never listened to the podcast before, I'm not familiar with the hosts and I didn't bother to learn their names at the show. Therefore, I shall hereinafter refer to them as The Pod People. At the end of the show, The Pod People had time to take three questions from audience members. All three questions were unbearably stupid. 

This reminded me of a blog I'd been meaning to write for some time, but hadn't gotten the chance. Because every time I tried to start it something crazy would happen. Like a porn star causing an FBI raid on Trump's attorney. Or yet another mass shooting. Or Trump throwing babies he forcibly orphaned into cages. (As I write this there's been another mass shooting. Thoughts and prayers.) Regardless, I've decided to make time for an important issue that has fallen through the cracks.

My Fellow Americans/Blog Followers, some of our recently “woke” friends in The Resistance are kind of dumb. You may be thinking, “You're one to talk, Donna. You have imaginary conversations with Hillary Clinton.” Yes, but I know they're imaginary. That's what matters.

I shall now share with you the three unbearably stupid questions which inspired this blog. Please keep the following image in your mind as you read about the stupid questions. The Pod People announced they had time for three questions from audience members. People climbed over chairs and ran down the aisles, knocking people about in their haste to seek the wisdom of The Pod People.

The Pod People had just interviewed North Carolina Governor, Roy Cooper. He had departed the stage, but was presumably still in the building. You need to know this in order to understand the utter stupidity of the first stupid question. A young woman, who had bested all the other chair climbers in the race to the microphone, was the first to seek wisdom from The Pod People. She began her question by not asking a question.

“Uh, yeah, so I want to support democrats. And I want to vote for democrats. But... Wow. This is going to be awkward if Gov. Cooper is still here. So, how do I? I mean, I want to support causes...”

At this point, one of The Pod People interrupted her. “You should probably get to the question or these people are going to turn on you,” and he pointed to the audience. Alas, he was too late as my friends and I had already turned on her.

Kind of dumb bitch finally spit out her question. “What do you do if the democrat does something you don't agree with? Like, Gov. Cooper made a decision I didn't like.”

The Pod Person was kind while answering her question, but I'm going to share his response in the uncensored way I interpreted it in my head.

“You see, fucktard, all elected officials will make decisions you disagree with, even the ones you vote for. Fortunately, in these United States you're allowed to speak up and demand answers of elected officials. That's literally what this whole evening has been about. And since Gov. Cooper is here, you should take the opportunity to express your dismay to him. As opposed to whining about it to some random Pod Person who doesn't even live in this state. Now please try not to step on anyone as you climb back to your seat.”

The next chair climber to seek wisdom from The Pod People was a young man in a dirty t-shirt. This was his question: “What do you do if you want to help a campaign, but you only have twenty-five dollars to donate?”

My interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Donate twenty-five dollars.”

The final chair climber to seek wisdom from The Pod People identified himself as the husband of a newly elected city councilwoman. My hopes for an intelligent question were raised, but quickly dashed as he began to speak. “My wife was just elected as a first time councilwoman. The thing is, we want to make a difference, but she only gets to make policies about zoning and water and stuff like that. What do we do?”

My interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Motherfucker, what did you think the job duties of a councilwoman in Chapel Hill, North Carolina would entail? Perhaps, if you picked up a newspaper once in a while you would know town councilwomen are very rarely involved in international peace talks. Is your wife in the audience today? Point her out.”

The wife/councilwoman, who obviously didn't feel the overwhelming need to trample audience members to ask a stupid question, rose and waved to the crowd.

My interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Congratulations on your victory. If you're serious about a career in politics, you may want to consider leaving your husband. He just publicly stated he doesn't know why water is important. Water.”

Fortunately, there is hope for our kind of dumb friends. They're only kind of dumb, after all. They don't suffer terminal stupidity like Trump supporters. Our kind of dumb friends are smart enough to realize it's wrong for the president to call Klan members “some very fine people.” As Rev. Dr. William Barber said when he was interviewed by The Pod People, “This isn't about right and left. It's about right and wrong.” Preach, Reverend Doctor, Preach. 

However, knowing right from wrong doesn't equate to knowing when and where to vote. Despite all the talk of The Resistance and the blue wave coming, I was somehow given the sole power to choose the mayor of Raleigh, North Carolina. It's the only logical conclusion I can draw from my experience on Election Day. The polling place was empty when I arrived, which is strange in a city with a population of over four hundred thousand. I was the only one wearing an “I Voted” sticker at work. No one I spoke to that day seemed to know there was an election.  And most importantly, the candidate I chose won. The only conclusion which can be drawn being: I picked the mayor. The power our kind of dumb friends unknowingly bestowed upon me is intoxicating, but I find myself deeply concerned about the upcoming midterm elections.

My Fellow Americans/Blog Followers, with your help we can ensure the 2018 election goes better than the 2016 election. Remember how you felt on that fateful night. Remember your tear stained Hillary For President t-shirt. Remember the crippling abdominal pain and diarrhea. Remember when your mom called from the cat house to find out what was happening and your throat practically closed up and you were barely able to utter the words, “It looks like Donald Trump is going to be president.” And your mom gasped. And you had to explain to your friends the cat house isn't what it sounds like. Your mom's an animal hoarder.   

Do not fear for I'm here to tell you how to prevent crippling abdominal pain and diarrhea in three easy steps at no cost to you.

1. Identify your kind of dumb friends.

You may already know who some of your kind of dumb friends are, but this shouldn't prevent you from checking the intelligence of all your friends. You may be surprised to discover the kind of dumbness some of your friends possess.

For example: Say you live in North Carolina. The republican controlled, super racist state legislature has been ruthless in their gerrymandering of congressional districts. You don't know how they pulled it off, but four people in Tennessee are in your voting district. A co-worker is reading an article about gerrymandering when she turns to you and asks, “Is gerrymandering a real word?” You've just identified a kind of dumb friend.

2. Take your kind of dumb friends to vote on Election Day.

You can't trust them to show up on their own. If you could, we'd be calling them your kind of smart friends.

3. Print out sample ballots, circle the candidates you want to win, and hand them out to your kind of dumb friends.

Your kind of dumb friends will probably ask if they are allowed to take the sample ballot into the voting booth. You are to reply, “Yes, dumbass. It's not a test.”

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, June 18, 2018

Children Of A Lesser God

I once worked a temp job at the state treasurer's office, which lasted three months. That is my only experience working in government. Those three months gave me more experience than Trump had when he ran for president. Literally. And I mean literally as it's intended to be used. It annoys the shit out of me when people use it wrong. For example: “Man, I was so sick the other day. I literally shit my brains out.” Wrong, dumbass, you figuratively shit your brains out. Unless your brains actually exited your body via your asshole. And if that were the case, I would be both disgusted and fascinated. Which brings me back to Trump.

Trump's lack of understanding as to the inner workings of government has led to some friction with attorney general and former slave owner, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. Beauregard recused himself from the Russia investigation. He didn't want to, but he got caught in a lie and realized he had no choice. Beauregard does have a basic understanding of how government and laws work. That's why he's a former slave owner. Trump was counting on Beauregard to have his back with this whole Russia thing, so – friction. Donnie is also slightly miffed as he was hoping to borrow Jeff's slaves. I know what you're thinking. Trump doesn't pay his employees anyway, so why does he need slaves? Unpaid employees are free to quit, unlike slaves.

(For more ignorant thoughts on slavery see: The Coldest Story Ever Told.)

Realizing this is probably the last government office he will ever hold and unwilling to pay plantation workers, Beauregard is desperate to get back into Trump's good graces. He's hoping to reconnect with Trump through their mutual hatred of immigrants. More specifically, brown immigrants. Beauregard spent many a sleepless night trying to think of a more cruel and unjust immigration policy than that imaginary wall Mexican isn't paying for. However, due to his basic understanding of laws and whatnot, most of his evil plans were not feasible. He'd hit a wall. Pun intended. Ready to throw in the towel, he cuddled up in his favorite bean bag chair with a box of Goldfish Crackers and watched TV.

As he flipped through the channels he came across a movie called Sophie's Choice. The movie stars an overrated actress named Meryl Streep, whom Trump dislikes bigly. Normally, Beauregard wouldn't have watched it for fear Trump may be spying on him. But believing his relationship with the president was irrevocably damaged, he watch out of pure spite. And that's how Meryl Streep unwittingly became the inspiration for arguably the most heinous scheme perpetrated by the Trump administration yet.

The movie takes place during The Holocaust. Sophie has two children and the Nazis force her to choose one of them to be gassed, or they'll just kill them both. They don't really care. They were just trying to add a little excitement to their jobs. Killing people over and over can become monotonous. Upon seeing this, Beauregard said to himself, “Them Nazis had some good ideas.” He knows he can't murder children due to his basic understanding of the law. But he believes there's just enough wiggle room in the law to take children away from their parents and throw them in concentration camps. And thus, The Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Fuck The Children Immigration Policy was born.

Parents eagerly bring their children to America in hopes of a better future. Beauregard snatches the children away from their parents the moment they cross the border. The children are then placed in any available empty building. Don't worry. They threw out the homeless people who had been seeking shelter in those abandoned buildings before they abandoned babies in those buildings.

I know this may sound heartless, but the parents did enter this country illegally. And that's a misdemeanor. A misdemeanor, as defined by Google, is a minor wrongdoing. So, yeah, it's a bit harsh. We can all take comfort in knowing the people responsible for this atrocity are completely aware it's heartless. That's why they're lying to the parents. The Beauregard people take the children away under the pretense of bathing them never to return. Even the fucking Nazis had the balls to tell Meryl Streep they were going to murder her children.

If you believe ripping immigrant children away from their parents and storing them in an abandoned Walmart with left over Chia-Pets from last Christmas is barbaric and immoral, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions and Sarah Huckabee Sanders would like you to know Jesus is cool with it. Not surprisingly, Beauregard's cherry-picking of the Bible has met with some push back. Reporters, politicians and late night talk show hosts were armed and ready to shoot Beauregard straight to Hell with Bible readings of their own. It was entertaining, but completely unnecessary. Once a person aligns with Donald Trump, they immediately forgo all the non-refundable Jesus points they've collected over the years. Trump is the least Jesus-y president in history and I think Thomas Jefferson was an atheist. 

This reminds of a song I learned in Sunday School as a child:

Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are precious in his sight

As a child I thought it was sweet. As an adult I think, “Wow. That's fucked up.” They seriously taught children to refer to people as “red” and “yellow.” Jesus loves all children regardless of race, but it's okay to use creepy racial slurs. It's a bit of a mixed message.

With all this Bible talk I can't help but wonder: Are we not doing separation of church and state any more? I mean, did we just forget it's a thing? We should really start using it again. I think it would be more effective than everyone reading the Bible at each other. When Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims throwing babies in a discount bin on top of dusty old Tickle Me Elmo dolls is Biblical, we can say, “No, Sarah, you must defend your abhorrent actions on their own merits. There is a reason for separation of church and state. Neither Elmo nor abandoned Walmarts are mentioned in the Bible.”

If you're not sufficiently horrified by the abandoned Walmart thing, fear not. For Trump has an even grosser plan in the works. He will build tent cities on military bases to house the fifteen hundred or so children he has forcibly orphaned.

The children will carry the burden of this trauma for the remainder of their lives. It seems both Trump and Beauregard fail to comprehend the emotional and psychological scars they are inflicting on these children. Or like the Nazis, they just don't fucking care. The only way to make them care is to show them how this shit will negatively impact them. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to these assholes.

Dear Attorney General and/or President Asshole,

I recommend you watch a movie called The Princess Bride. As a child, the character of Inigo Montoya saw his father murdered by a six-fingered man. He spent the rest of his life searching for the six-fingered man. He finally caught up with the six-fingered man and said, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Then he killed him. It's an awesome movie.

Anyway, these children you're permanently damaging in the name of Jesus will grow up. And when they do, they're coming for you. I wouldn't be surprised if they fuck you up so bad your brains literally exit your bodies via your assholes.

Best of Luck,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches


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