To Catch a Predator

Two years ago I wrote a blog about the Me Too movement entitled, “Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit.” The morning after I posted that blog my phone alerted me to the breaking news that NBC had fired Matt Lauer. And I thought to myself, “Son of a bitch. So many perverts deserving of my wrath. So little time.”

I’ve been itching to unleash my wrath upon Matt Lauer ever since. Actually, I’ve been itching to unleash my wrath upon Matt Lauer ever since the whole Ann Curry thing, but I didn’t have a blog then. Fortunately, Ronan Farrow has written a book, “Catch and Kill,” about his investigation of the Harvey Weinstein story for NBC News. If you haven’t read the book, you may be wondering what Harvey Weinstein has to do with Matt Lauer. I shall tell you. NBC executives sat on several sexual harassment stories because of the Matt Lauer of it all.

In 2016, the Washington Post broke the story of the now infamous Access Hollywood Grab ‘Em By The Pussy Tape. In 2005, Donald Trump was the host of The Apprentice, an NBC show. He was making a cameo on Days of Our Lives, an NBC show. Billy Bush was filming some backstage shit for Access Hollywood, an NBC show. This is when the “grab ‘em by the pussy” audio was captured. In 2016, Trump was a candidate for president and Billy Bush was hosting the third hour of the Today show, an NBC show.

If it seems like NBC News was in a better position to break this story than The Washington Post, it’s because it was. NBC reporters had the tape for weeks, but were not allowed to report it. NBC executives were all like, “We must protect Billy Bush. He hosts the third hour of the Today show.” And the reporters were all like, “No one knows there is a third hour of the Today show. Besides, Billy Bush is just a white Mario Lopez. Mario Lopez is a completely unnecessary person. A white Mario Lopez is certainly expendable.” And the executives were all like, “Wasn’t Mario Lopez accused of date rape twenty years ago? You can report on that if you want. Wait. No. We might need Mario Lopez to replace Billy Bush if things don’t go our way.”

A month later, The Washington Post, feeling no obligation to protect Billy Bush, released the tape. The NBC executives then said, “Well, we’ve protected Billy Bush long enough. Time to fire his ass.”

Clearly, NBC wasn’t all that invested in Billy Bush. They had a much more popular Today host/sexual predator to protect. And for that reason, they were skittish about setting a precedent of holding Today hosts accountable for creepy pervert behavior.

While all this Billy Bush bullshit was going on, Ronan Farrow, then an investigative reporter for NBC News, was working on a story exposing movie producer and mega-predator, Harvey Weinstein. NBC executives, feeling no obligation to protect someone who has never hosted the Today show, gave Farrow the green light to go forth and research the story.

Ronan spoke to several women willing to go on record about Weinstein’s abuse. He even uncovered a recording of Weinstein admitting to sexually assaulting a woman. Rose McGowan claimed Weinstein raped her when she was working on a movie he produced. McGowan then told her co-star, Ben Affleck. To which Affleck replied, “God damn it. I told him to stop doing that.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Ben Affleck.

Dear Ben Affleck,

Really? You told a rapist to stop and that didn’t work? You see, Ben, rapists rarely respond to the word, stop. That’s rather common behavior among rapists. Telling a rapist to stop raping doesn’t make you a good person. In fact, you clearly knew he was a rapist and continued working with him. That makes you a pervert enabler.

By the way, you were the worst Batman ever. Val Kilmer was a better Batman than you. And everyone reading this had completely forgotten Val Kilmer played Batman before reading the previous sentence.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

So Ronan Farrow returns to NBC with a list of victims, witnesses, documents and recordings all corroborating the whole Harvey Weinstein is a rapist thing. The NBC executives said, “Let’s pump the brakes on this right now. We need to have the legal department go through everything.” That seemed reasonable enough to Farrow. He took all the Weinstein shit to legal. They went through it and said, “Yep. All clear. Go forth and report.”

Farrow returned to the NBC executives with the all clear from legal. And the executives were all like, “Yeah… so we’re concerned people may think you have an ax to grind because of the Woody Allen of it all.” And Ronan was all like, “This is bullshit. The Woody Allen of it all has been public knowledge for twenty years. You knew about the Woody Allen of it all when you put me on the story.”

Ronan didn’t know at the time that NBC was using the Woody Allen of it all as a poor excuse to kill the story. Harvey Weinstein had hired numerous pervert enablers to trash his accusers and the reporters interviewing said accusers. The pervert enablers had threatened to expose the Matt Lauer of it all if NBC reported the Weinstein story.

(If you are unfamiliar with the Woody Allen of it all, please refer to Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit.)

While Ronan Farrow was getting the run around from NBC, NBC was engaged in some fucked up Pervert versus Pervert fight with the National Enquirer. Weinstein, like many a rapist before him, (Trump), had formed a special friendship with David Pecker, the CEO of AMI, which is the parent company of the National Enquirer and other such trash. The Pecker did all kinds of shit to protect his rapist friends, such as holding on to dirt for a rainy day. Dirt such as Matt Lauer’s proclivity toward rape. Thus, it came to pass that the National Enquirer was able to dictate what NBC News could report.

I would now like to take a moment to address the pervert enablers of both Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer. The amount of time and money that went into shielding both these rapists is just plain stupid. In addition to the millions of dollars in shut up money, the attorney fees, the creation of non-disclosure agreements and the attempts at shaming victims, NBC has hired people to constantly edit Wikipedia to remove any mention of Matt Lauer as a rapist. And Weinstein hired some Israeli spy agency to discredit victims and reporters on his behalf. True Story. Surely one of the pervert enablers must have thought to himself, “Working with Israeli spies seems a bit much. Perhaps, all the effort put into protecting this one movie producer isn’t really worth it.”

For that matter, why the fuck was NBC so worried about losing Matt Lauer? The Today show has been on the air since 1952. 

It survived for forty-five years before Matt Lauer came along and perved it up. Matt Lauer is not essential to the success of the Today show. Hell, they had a chimp co-host the show for four years. Fact.

Back to Ronan Farrow. Unable to report at NBC News, he took the Weinstein story to The New Yorker where the story was published. All the time, money, effort and Israeli spies in the world were unable to protect Harvey Weinstein. He is currently under house arrest while awaiting trial for rape. I don’t know if Israeli spies have any kind of refund policy, but Harvey should look into it.

The New Yorker story put NBC into a bit of a pickle. They now had no choice but to report the story. And most importantly, they had to come up with a believable reason as to why an NBC reporter did not report this story on NBC. They were unable to do so.

Matt Lauer was always a bit of prick on air. In the two weeks prior to his firing, he went into super prick mode. It was quite obvious Matt Lauer knew his number was up and he was sulky about it like many a rapist before him (Brett Kavanaugh). He interviewed Corey Feldman, who had been molested as a child. Matt was all like, “Look, Corey Feldman. No one cares if you were diddled as a child. Shut up and take it, slut.” He was so nasty that people who don’t even like Corey Feldman were overcome with the need to take to Twitter and defend Corey Feldman. Because picking on someone for being sexually assaulted as a child is just cold. And if you must pick on Corey Feldman, his bizarre singing and dancing provides ample material to do so. 

NBC fucked their credibility with the Access Hollywood tape. They fucked their credibility with the Harvey Weinstein story. Their own reporters were attacking NBC. Both Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow defended Ronan Farrow’s reporting and trashed their employer, NBC News, live on MSNBC. NBC executives finally realized all the effort put into protecting this one Today host wasn’t really worth it. Thus, it came to pass that NBC fired Matt Lauer for being an anal rapist. 

However, NBC missed a major opportunity to salvage their waning credibility. While conducting exhaustive research for this blog, I discovered the chimp who hosted the Today show in the Fifties may still be alive. Had NBC replaced Matt Lauer with a chimp that would have sent a very strong message that NBC does not support anal rapists.

Although, NBC had been a pervert enabler to an anal rapist for years. The chimp probably wouldn’t help their reputation. I’m pushing for the resurrection of the chimp’s career for my own amusement. If you’d like to help in my campaign to have a chimp host Today, you can contact them by email at NBCNewsMediaRelations@nbcuni.com or call 212-413-6142.

Despite paying out millions of dollars in shut up money to Matt Lauer’s victims, NBC still claims they only received one credible complaint of inappropriate sexual conduct in the many years they employed Matt Lauer to do a job previously performed by a chimp. They also pushed Lauer’s victims to sign non-disclosure agreements. 

While I’m on the subject, non-disclosure agreements seem to be a major flaw in our justice system. It’s a legal way to prevent someone from reporting a violent crime. And that seems like it should be illegal somehow. And why do they only apply to rape? I’m eighty-seven percent certain my neighbor will eventually murder her boyfriend. I know this because she’s a violent alcoholic and I’ve been Rear Window-ing her for months. When I finally witness the murder of Michael, she could ask me to sign a non-disclosure agreement, but I don’t think it would hold up in court.

The credible complaint that cost Matt Lauer the job a chimp can do, came from a woman who claimed Lauer anally raped her when they were on assignment for the winter Olympics. NBC maintains it was a consensual affair, but it violated Lauer’s terms of employment. The victim states she told him to stop repeatedly, but to the surprise of no one, except Ben Affleck, telling a rapist to stop didn’t work.

It’s important to note the reporters at NBC, with the obvious exception of Matt Lauer, seem to be innocent in all the nefarious goings on at the network. It’s the executives at NBC Universal who should be replaced by chimps. I say this to explain why I’m about to give Lester Holt the benefit of the doubt.

Upon the termination of Matt Lauer, Lester questioned if the punishment fit the crime. Lester may not have been aware of the rape allegations and simply believed Lauer was involved in a consensual affair. Nevertheless, I shall answer Lester’s question.

No, Lester Holt. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Matt Lauer should be in prison taking it up the ass against his will.

Namaste, Bitches