Nowhere To Run

“Please do not take medical advice from a man who looked directly at a solar eclipse.” - Hillary Clinton

Wise words, Hillary.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Trump supporters.

Dear Terminally Stupid Dipshits,

Obviously, you were never going to care about the plethora of crimes against humanity Trump has committed over the last three years. I don’t know why you feel threatened by brown babies, but you do and are therefore, totally cool with baby internment camps.

However, despite all the misplaced faith you’ve put into this conniving hustler, I regret to inform you he does not have the power to assign an arbitrary deadline to a global pandemic. Cancel your Easter plans.

Donald Trump does not care if you live or die. And quite frankly, neither do I.

Best Wishes.

Donna Troy

Speaking of baby internment camps, I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone they still exist. While the rest of us are fighting over toilet paper, there are babies in cages not receiving adequate healthcare.

Also, if you’re still struggling with the toilet paper shortage, I’ve found guilting your mom into mailing you all of her toilet paper is the easiest and most reliable solution. Of course, I have colitis, which is hereditary. The fact that I require more toilet paper than the average person is kind of on her. If you don’t have a legit reason to blame your mom for your toilet paper needs, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.

Because America has an over abundance of stupid people, and we know this because President Donald Trump, fighting for toilet paper doesn’t even make my list of the dumbest reactions to the Coronavirus. And because some of the stupid people who’ve said stupid things are way overdue for my wrath, I shall share my list with you now.

Donna Troy’s List of People Who Should Fear The Reaper

Kim Kardashian – Kim Kardashian read a book. I know. I was surprised too. Unfortunately, the book she read was written by the late “psychic” Sylvia Browne. Brown predicted an illness would spread around the world in the year 2020 and then vanish as quickly as it came. Kardashian felt the need to immediately share this fact based information with her numerous Twitter followers. As a result of this, Sylvia Browne’s book sales have soared on Amazon.

Kim Kardashian encouraging more people to read would be heartwarming if she hadn’t encouraged them to read total bullshit.

Sylvia Browne also predicted aliens would come to Earth in 2010 and reveal how they built the pyramids. While that would be cool as hell, it clearly didn’t happen.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say psychics aren’t real, but apparently I do. Psychics aren’t real. Ghosts aren’t real either just in case anyone was confused about that. A quick Google search of Sylvia Browne will reveal she was a total fraud who was caught in numerous lies and actually arrested and charged with fraud. 

Please do not take medical advice from a dead psychic who incorrectly predicted her own death.

And please do not take medical advice from a reality star who only has seventeen percent of her original body parts.

Dr. Drew Pinsky – I didn’t even know he was still a thing, but it appears he still has a radio show. Anyway, the good doctor is against the stay at home orders and is actively encouraging people to go about their normal routines. To be fair, he did say if you’re sick you should stay home. And to be even fairer, most people don’t need a doctor to tell them that.

Dr. Drew claims the flu is more dangerous and he blames the media for spreading fear in order to gain ratings.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Dr. Drew.

Dear Dr. Drew,

Now, I’m no doctor. I know you’re probably thinking, “Don’t sell yourself short, Donna. You’re every bit as qualified as I am to dispense medical advice.” That’s where you’re wrong. I believe I’m more qualified than you are.

For one thing, I know there is a vaccine for the flu unlike the Coronavirus. I also know the flu tends to be seasonal and we don’t know enough about the Coronavirus to conclude if it will pass with the changing of seasons. And I further know people who were asymptomatic have died from said virus. So just staying home if you feel sick, doesn’t seem to cut it.

And while you’re blaming the media on your radio show, you should know having a radio show makes you the media.

Perhaps, you’re feeling a bit of resentment toward the television media because CNN canceled your show in 2016. Because you not once, but twice made wild and false speculations about the state of Hillary Clinton’s health based on both the solid reporting of Sean Hannity and your educated medical opinion that she took too long in the bathroom.

Please go back to doing what you do best. And that is exploiting people with serious drug problems on VH1 until they inevitably overdose while under your care.

Kind Regards,

Donna Troy

Please do not take medical advice from TV doctors who don’t seem to spend much time doing any actual doctoring.

And please do not take medical advice from any doctor who doesn’t know women take longer in the bathroom than men. That’s just basic anatomy.

Rob Schneider – It just so happens Dr. Drew had a celebrity guest on his program while he was laying the groundwork for a medical malpractice suit. And that guest was former SNL star Rob Schneider. According to Schneider, the quarantines are “nothing more than political stunts by elected officials seeking the spotlight.” Kind of like of going on a radio show and spouting conspiracy theories is nothing more than a publicity stunt by a has-been mediocre comedian seeking the spotlight.

Schneider further stated he was defying the California stay at home order and taking his wife out to dinner. Which is an obvious lie because the restaurants are all closed. And also, I find it hard to believe he has a wife. He couldn’t have made enough money from those Deuce Bigalow movies to attract even a low-rent gold digger.

If you’re too young to have watched SNL in the early nineties, you may be wondering who the fuck Rob Schneider is. He was known for doing a character known as The Richmeister, an office worker who annoys people by giving them nicknames as they make copies. And now you may be wondering why that was funny. It wasn’t. Calling him a mediocre comedian was very generous of me.

Please do not take medical advice from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.

JerryFalwell, Jr. - I shall now quote Reverend Falwell’s take on the Coronavirus. “You remember the North Korean leader promised a Christmas present for America? Could it be they got together with China and this is that present? I don’t know.”

No, you don’t know. So shut the fuck up.

Please do not take any advice from… well, he’s not really offering advice. So I guess, just ignore him.

Madonna – I found myself on Madonna’s Twitter page because Weird Al retweeted a stupid video she made of herself attempting to sing a parody of Vogue which she fucked up. Weird Al tweeted, “See? It’s not as easy as it looks.” Madonna’s song was about how she was about to eat fried fish because she’d already gone through her quarantine supply of sushi. It wasn’t so much a parody in the humorous Weird Al style. It was more Madonna listing the contents of her freezer.

Scrolling down her Twitter page I came upon a video of Madonna in her bathtub talking about how Coronavirus is the great equalizer. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, if you’re famous or whatever you call the non-famous. Anyone can get it.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Madonna.

Dear Madonna,

Bitch, you’re not deep. What you said is true of any illness. What is not equal is access to testing and quality healthcare. That still favors the rich and famous.

Remember how Magic Johnson tested positive for HIV back when it was still an automatic death sentence? And remember how he’s not dead thirty years later? Dying of a treatable ailment is what we call poor people problems.

And while I’ve got you’re attention, stop doing yoga on stage and calling it dancing. It’s boring. Just admit you are a person of limited talent and you’ve run out of ideas.

Also, if I’d had a blog in 1992 I would have told you Vogueing isn’t dancing either.

Kind Regards,

Donna Troy

Please do not encourage Madonna. Bitch needs to retire.

Glenn Beck – A wise woman once said that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. That’s a message that really resonates with Glenn Beck who has chosen death over poverty. And I quote, “I would rather have my children stay home and all of us who are over fifty go in and keep this economy going and working. Even if we all get sick, I would rather die than kill the country.”

Now, I’m no economist, but neither is Glenn Beck. So I’ve got to say I don’t think this is a sound economic plan. If all the old people go out and get sick I don’t see how they’re going to accomplish a lot of productive work. And Glenn Beck is the host of a radio show. That’s not really a job that improves a sluggish economy.

Please do not take financial advice from a man with no marketable skills. Although, I must admit I really like the part of the plan that results in the death of Glenn Beck.

Namaste, Bitches