Either
Janis Joplin or Jerry Springer once sang, “Freedom's just another word for
nothing left to lose.” With nothing left to lose, Michael Cohen voluntarily
appeared before congress to come clean about all the shit he lied about the
last time he appeared before congress.
Michael
Cohen was Donald J. Trump's attorney for ten years. In that time he threatened
and bullied people on behalf of Donald J. Trump. He committed crimes on behalf
of Donald J. Trump. He perjured himself on behalf of Donald J. Trump.
He has
recently been sentenced to three years in prison for crimes and perjury he
committed on behalf of Donald J. Trump. And Donald J. Trump was all like, “I
barely knew the guy. The fake news media likes to call him my lawyer and fixer.
They add that, fixer. But he was one of my attorneys. And he made some payments
for me, but, and people want to know – were they from campaign. Because that's
kind of a big deal if they were from campaign. So he made some payments for me,
but I wasn't aware of them. And he did some work for me off and on for
something like, ten years maybe. So I barely knew the guy.” It was at this
point Michael Cohen realized his employment with Donald J. Trump was, perhaps,
a poor career choice.
If
you didn't have seven hours in the middle of a weekday to watch the Michael
Cohen testimony, I highly recommend you go to your YouTube and watch it
immediately. Well, immediately after you read this blog. I did go to all the
trouble of writing it. Anyway, it was the best show on television all week. And
don't tell me you don't have seven hours to watch it. Everybody watches TV in
seven hour stints now. If we didn't, binge watching wouldn't be a phrase in our
common vernacular. If you're going to be stubborn about it, at least watch the
opening and closing statements of Elijah Cummings, Jim Jordan, and Michael
Cohen. And while you're watching Jim Jordan self righteously express his
revulsion for liars, you should know Jim Jordan lied to protect a man who
sexually abused students when he was a wrestling coach at Ohio State.
Here
is everything you need to know about the activity between the opening and
closing statements.
Knowing
people would be leery of believing a convicted liar, Michael Cohen brought
validating documentation to the hearing. Things like financial statements clearly
proving Trump committed bank fraud. And checks signed by Donald Trump and
Donald Trump, Jr. to reimburse Cohen for the Stormy Daniels pay off.
Republicans desperate to save Trump asked who would write a check when committing
a crime. Jerry Springer. Jerry Springer did that. I think we all know Donald
Trump is just Jerry Springer in reverse. Springer went from politician to
trashy TV host. Trump went from trashy TV host to politician. When Jerry
Springer was the mayor of Cincinnati he paid a hooker with a check. Which begs
the question, what kind of hooker accepts checks? If I may offer some advice to
any prostitutes who may be reading this: Never accept a check from a pervert.
You have no legal recourse if a trick gives you a bad check. Think, ladies.
Regardless
of Michael Cohen's past lies, his testimony at the hearing rings true of what
we already know of Donald Trump based on his own public behavior. He's a racist
self-serving con-artist. I take no pity on Michael Cohen nor any other Trump
enabler. Trump couldn't have risen to power without his many enablers. I mean,
I could declare myself Queen of America, but it's meaningless without people
willing to say, “Yes, Donna Troy is my queen and no man's law shall stop me from
fulfilling the queen's will.” Although, if Michael Cohen is looking for someone
new to enable, I could use some help getting this whole queen thing off the
ground.
Anyway,
Trump's current enablers, republican house members, remained strong in their
conviction that Michael Cohen shouldn't be believed because he lied to protect
Trump the last time he appeared before congress. You see, they believe Cohen
lied when he told them Trump wasn't involved in the Stormy Daniels payment, therefore,
he must be lying now when he says Trump was involved in the Stormy Daniels
payment. And while making this convoluted argument, they displayed the kind of
hysterical faux outrage that's usually followed by flying furniture on The
Jerry Springer Show.
And
now I would like to address NC Rep. Mark Meadows. Because telling white people
when they're being racist is apparently my job now. (Dear White People, Dear White Trash, Sans Regret). Mark Meadows strongly objected to Cohen's assertion
that Trump is racist. To prove Trump is not racist, Mark Meadows found a black
lady who works for Trump and paraded her around like a slave on an auction
block. Later, Representative Rashida Tlaib said it was totally racist to parade
that lady around like a slave on an auction block. And Mark Meadows had a
totally racist meltdown.
He
shouted to Elijah Cummings, “Mr. Chairman, you are my black friend. Now, you
tell them I'm not racist. You know me. Tell them, Black Guy, tell them I'm not
racist. My nieces and nephews are people of color. Not many people know that.”
Now
please excuse me while I write an open letter to Mark Meadows.
Dear
Mark Meadows,
Why
have you been keeping the ethnicity of your nieces and nephews secret? Because
it kind of sounds like you're ashamed. Regardless, having relatives of color
doesn't prove you aren't racist. President Obama once spoke of the racist shit
his white grandma used to spew.
Also,
losing your shit when someone calls you racist is a pretty clear sign that
you're racist. It's like on Orange is the New Black when Pennsatucky was in the
mental ward. And she kept banging against the walls shouting, “I'm not crazy.”
And the nurse said, “If you weren't crazy you wouldn't have to try so hard to
convince people that you're not crazy.”
Stay
cool, Whitey.
Kind
Regards,
Donna
Troy
Undeterred
by facts or evidence, the republicans continued in their vain attempts to
discredit Cohen's testimony. And they somehow believed John Dean's appearance
on CNN the previous evening would do that. I don't think reminding people of a
key witness in Real Watergate is a wise move during Stupid Watergate. You may
recall John Dean was Nixon's attorney. When he testified against Nixon
republican senators chose not to believe him either. Then the Nixon tapes were
released and Dean's testimony was corroborated verbatim. John Dean also served
time in federal prison for crimes he committed on behalf of Richard M. Nixon.
During
his CNN appearance John Dean offered the advice he would give to Michael Cohen if
asked. And the republican house members decided the unsolicited advice of John
Dean was their gotcha moment. They repeatedly questioned Cohen about the advice
he received from John Dean. Despite there being no proof John Dean or Michael
Cohen have ever met. And despite having no way of knowing if Michael Cohen was
even watching CNN that night. So Michael Cohen said he's never spoken to John
Dean. And he wasn't watching CNN that night. Although, if I may offer some
unsolicited advise to Michael Cohen: John Dean is the only other person alive
who's been in your exact situation. You'd be wise to reach out to him for
advice. You can trust me. I give dependable unsolicited advice. Previously in
this very blog, I offered excellent unsolicited business advice to hookers.
Despite
the best stupid efforts of the republican house members, Michael Cohen rather
credibly implicated the Trump family in crimes we were already pretty sure they
committed. It was a bad day for Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Jr., Ivanka Trump,
Jared Kushner, and possibly, Eric Trump. I mean, Eric's name came up once or
twice, but I'm still not really sure what he does.
It
was also a bad day for Sean Hannity. He wasn't mentioned during the hearing,
but Michael Cohen only had two other clients besides Donald Trump: Some guy who's
name I've forgotten and don't feel like looking up and Sean Hannity. Trump
enablers increasingly find themselves in prison and no one enables Trump more
than Sean Hannity.
Now
please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sean Hannity.
Dear
Sean Hannity,
Tick
Tock, Motherfucker.
Best
Wishes,
Donna
Troy
It
was a great day to be Tiffany Trump, however. For once being the bastard child
your father never wanted and consistently ignores didn't lead someone on a road
toward prison. Or an appearance on The Jerry Springer Show.
Namaste,
Bitches
