The Roof Is On Fire

In 1992 some random plumber named George Holliday was at home playing with his favorite toy, his camcorder. He pointed the camera outside and captured the footage that would soon shock and horrify even the more racists parts of this nation. Rodney King lay on the ground as four LAPD officers brutally beat him with batons.

Holliday first tried to give the videotape to police authorities, but they weren’t interested for reasons of arrogance, ignorance and racism. So he offered it to the local TV station and they were interested for reasons of ratings and notoriety.

I was in the eighth grade when the Rodney King tape made national headlines. I vividly remember one of my teachers being very fired up about it and saying, “If that man didn’t happen to turn on his camera at that exact moment, those cops would have gotten away with it.” We all nodded our heads in agreement because, of course, they weren’t going to get away with it. They were caught on tape essentially lynching a black man.

Weren’t we some naive honkeys.

Thirty years later, everyone has a video camera in their pocket. Police abuse and murder black people all the time while being recorded and continue to get away with it.

If you don’t know about the recent death of George Floyd, either because you don’t pay attention to the news, or because nothing is on fire in your neighborhood, or because you’re one of my friends who just waits for me to tell them what’s happening in the news, I shall break it down for you.

A forty-six year old black man named George Floyd was in Minneapolis minding his own business on Memorial Day when he was arrested for allegedly passing a counterfeit twenty dollar bill. I know what you’re thinking. Who still carries cash? I thought the same thing, but apparently, some people still do. Weird. I know.

Upon leaving the store where the supposed counterfeit twenty incident took place, Floyd is apprehended by four Minneapolis police officers. Four officers may seem a bit excessive for the crime of Monopoly money, but remember the police thought they were dealing with a criminal mastermind. Or they were just bored because people have been staying home due to COVID.

As Floyd is arrested witnesses on the scene immediately start recording with their phones. If you’re wondering why they felt the need to record you may have attention deficit disorder. Because I just fucking told you about Rodney King. Pay attention.

George Floyd is handcuffed and put on the ground next to the police cruiser. At no time does he resist arrest. Police officer and skilled psychopath, Derek Chauvin, grinds his knee into the neck of George Floyd with the full weight of his body for nearly ten minutes. Floyd cries and tells Chauvin he can’t breathe. Witnesses call out to the police that their killing him. Chauvin ignores them all. The other three officers on the scene do nothing.

After six minutes pass George Floyd becomes unresponsive. One of the officers checks Floyd’s pulse and reports no pulse to Chauvin. Chauvin decides George Floyd is not quite dead enough and continues pressing his knee into his neck for an additional three minutes.

A seventeen year old girl named Darnella Frazier records the entire murder of George Floyd on her phone. At one point, Derek Chauvin looks up at Frazier with his cold vacant eyes and threatens to pepper spray her if she doesn’t leave. She doesn’t leave. She’s traumatized and terrified, but she continues to film. Darnella Frazier is a total badass boss bitch. 

For anyone who is concerned that we may be rushing to judge the Minneapolis police too quickly, or wondering if perhaps, something happened that isn’t shown on the video, I want you to remember one very important thing. The officer’s name is Derek. Have you ever met a Derek that isn’t an asshole? I didn’t think so.

Upon the release of Darnella Frazier’s video, people took to the streets of Minneapolis in protest. After the first night of protest, Derek Chauvin and the psychopaths by association were all fired. This is good news. Usually when police are caught murdering unarmed black men they’re suspended pending investigation. Then the police unions get all involved and say stupid shit like, “Yes, they killed that man, but what the video doesn’t show is that black man was a werewolf. He changed back to human form after he was shot. And you don’t see it on the video, because as we all know, werewolves can’t be recorded. They’re like vampires that way. And it’s important to remember what the Michael Jackson Thriller video taught us. And that is all black men are werewolves and zombies and good dancers.” Then the Grand Jury is all like, “Yeah. Makes sense to me. Not guilty.”

Now that Chauvin and his minions have been fired they are no longer under the protection of the police union’s Thriller defense. And no one’s gonna save them from the beast about to strike.

On the second night, the protests literally caught fire. While I’m generally against arson as a rule, I found myself mesmerized as the protesters set fire to the police station. We’ve seen these protests break out for decades and it’s always local businesses which had nothing to do with the reason for the outrage that end up being destroyed. Unfortunately, local businesses were destroyed this night as well, however, it’s the fire at the police station that fucking blew my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder why no one has ever thought of this before.

As the protesters quickly and quite adeptly took over the police station, the cops sensing them closing in to seal their doom said, “Fuck it. We’re out.” And they fled, fighting for their lives inside a killer thriller tonight.

Not only did they burn the station to the motherfucking ground, but they blocked all roadways in so the fire trucks couldn’t get through to put it out. Again, I can’t emphasize enough, fire bad. However, as I watched this unfold on TV I couldn’t help but think, “That’s so fucking badass.”

As the smoke cleared in the early morning hours, the Minnesota State Troopers arrived and began arresting the few people who remained. And because I guess they thought what Minnesota police needed at the moment was more bad publicity, they arrested a Hispanic CNN reporter live on the air as he was reporting. This was mere moments after they gave clearance to a white CNN reporter. I’m not saying the arrest was racially motivated, but I’m implying it heavily.

Sometime during the middle of this night Trump tweeted, “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.” This prompted Twitter to place restrictions on Trump’s inflammatory tweets a mere three and a half years into his presidency. Way to be on top of things, Twitter.

Since Trump believes looting is a crime deserving of execution, I shall take a moment to address it.

Looting as defined by Donna Troy is the act of taking advantage of the chaos during a disaster or tragedy to help yourself to things that don’t belong to you. Examples of things I’ve seen looted on TV are as follows:

1. Diapers – I’ll allow it. They’re a necessity and Pampers knows it. That’s why they overcharge for them. Serves them right for perpetrating The Great Diaper Con.

2. Food – I’ll allow it. We’re at the highest unemployment rate since The Great Depression. People gotta eat.

3. TVs – A bit greedy, but I’ll allow it. The Target was on fire. If you’re willing to run into a burning building to steal a TV and manage not to die, you’ve earned it.

4. Helping yourself to September 11^th relief funds designed to help small businesses recover even though you’re a self-proclaimed billionaire in Manhattan real estate and none of your businesses were damaged. I believe this meets the looting execution standard as set by Donald Trump, self-proclaimed billionaire. Tick Tock, Motherfucker.

Following The Great Minnesota Police Fire of 2020, former police officer Derek Chauvin was arrested and charged with third degree murder and manslaughter. He was taken to prison where he heard the door slam and realized there’s nowhere left to run.

When asked about the other three officers involved, the district attorney said they were still investigating their involvement. This prompted a third night of protesting.

On this night Minneapolis authorities initiated an 8pm curfew and called in the National Guard and State Troopers to enforce it. This did nothing to deter the protesters as they came out in larger numbers than the previous nights. The officers deployed tear gas, but the people came prepared with cans of milk. They rinsed out each other’s eyes and kept marching right into the thick clouds of tear gas.

So. Fucking. Badass.

And I guess the National Guard didn’t have a back up plan because the just kind of disappeared after that.

There was a lot of noise and it was hard to hear what the protesters were chanting as they marched, but I believe it went something like this:

“Whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpse's shell”

As protests continue, many are wondering how to prevent more riots and fires and presidential looting.

I have come up with solutions and they’re surprisingly easy.

First, vote for Joe Biden in November. Come January, Trump will be a private citizen and can be charged and arrested for all the crimes he’s committed.

Second, don’t murder black people. This one is so effortless I don’t know why no one has tried it before. To accomplish this simply follow my two step plan outlined below.

1. Identify a black person

2. Don’t kill him.

If you find yourself in a position where you have difficulty following Step Two, remember the immortal words of Rodney King. “Stop it. That hurts.”

Namaste, Bitches