When The Whistle Blows

Remember when those Twilight books came out and adult women started treating them like recommendations from Oprah’s fucking book club, instead of the trashy teen novels they are. I had a co-worker who hated to read, but liked vampires so she decided to try reading one. She came to work one morning all excited to tell me she read fifty pages the night before. And I had to be a bitch about it. Well, I guess I didn’t have to, but I am what I am. I said, “I’d be very proud of you if you were nine. But you’re in your thirties. Reading fifty pages of anything shouldn’t be a challenge. I’m afraid it’s not the life defining achievement you think it is.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to people who claimed to be “too busy” to read The Mueller Report.

Dear Damn Bunch Of Liars,

You know who you are. You didn’t have time to read The Mueller Report, but you read every one of those stupid Twilight books.

Fuck you. Fuck Edward. Fuck Jacob. Fuck Bella. Fuck sparkling vampires.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

This brings me to The Whistleblower Complaint. In the few days since it’s release support for a Trump impeachment inquiry has blown up. It pleases me to know Americans found the time to read all nine pages. Because Trump’s own attorney couldn’t be bothered to read it. When asked about it by The Fox and Friends, Giuliani replied, “Let’s say it was read to me.” What the fuck does that even mean?

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Donald Trump.

Dear Former President Trump,

I don’t really want to give you advice because, you know, fuck you. But you should consider investing in a defense attorney who is familiar with the phrase, “no comment.”

Best of Luck,

Donna Troy

 

For those who may have gotten behind with the breakneck speed of news last week, I’m about to break it down. Check it.

A little over a week ago, congress became aware of a Whistleblower Complaint alleging the president threatened to withhold aid from Ukraine unless they dig up some dirt on Joe Biden.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went to the Acting Director of National Intelligence, Joe Maguire and said, “Dude, where the fuck is this Whistleblower Complaint?”

And Joe was all like, “Don’t worry about it. It’s all good, Nancy. I got the complaint and I took it up to the White House to get advice on how to proceed. Attorney General Bill Barr said it’s covered under executive privilege. Then I checked with Rudy Giuliani and he concurred with Bill Barr. Then I checked with the president and he said he doesn’t remember hiring me. Therefore, I can’t give you the Whistleblower Complaint due to executive privilege.”

Then Nancy’s eye started to twitch and she said, “So you showed the Whistleblower Complaint to the three people for whom the whistle blows. Got it.”

Nancy called a press conference where she proclaimed, “We’re about to impeach this motherfucker.”

This prompted Mitch McConnell to request a meeting with Trump. Mitch was all like, “Mr. President, I’m so sorry to have to do this, but I must ask you to release some sort of transcript of the call with the Ukrainian president. It doesn’t need to be the full transcript. Just release the good parts so the American people will believe you did nothing wrong. I tried to get the senate under control, but there appears to be some sort of limit to my evil powers. Believe me, Mr. President, I’m just as surprised as you are.”

And Trump was all like, “Mitch, it’s fine. Don’t even worry about it. I mean, I don’t really expect that much from you if I’m being honest. You’ve been in politics for what? You’re whole life almost and you’re still stuck in the senate, where you really don’t have all that much power. And look at me, I got on my escalator one day and I thought to myself, I thought, you know Obama doesn’t have an ounce of my class or my very good brains and he got to be a black president. And a black president isn’t as good as a white president because he’s always got this blackness hanging over him, you know. So I said, if Obama can do it, Trump can do it. And I did it. I won the largest electoral landslide in history. Did you know that, Mitch?”

“Uh, no, I didn’t know that, Mr. President. Getting back to the call with President Zelensky-”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll take care of it. I’ll get with Rudy and we’ll put something together. I’ll call it a phony collusion witch hunt. People love that. This whole thing will blow over just like the Mueller thing. Even I thought I was fucked with that one. But the American people didn’t read the report. It’s like they love me so much, they didn’t want to read the report.”

The next day Trump released an edited memo detailing his call with President Zelensky. He stated the call was beautiful and perfect. Though, I’ve never heard a phone call described in such a manner before, I’m inclined to agree.

It went something like this:

Trump: Hello, President Ukraine. I want to congratulate you on winning the election. I hear it was historic. We have that in common, you know. I won one of the most historic elections ever. It’s like nothing no one has seen before.

Zelensky: Thank you, Mr. Trump. The election was actually three months ago. You called to congratulate me then. Perhaps, you don’t remember. Also, my name is Volodymyr Zelensky. Ukraine is the name of our country. But I’m sure you knew that.

Trump: Who cares? You’re the president of Ukraine so I happen to think President Ukraine is a very appropriate thing to call you. I’m a very busy guy, you know. We have business to discuss. I didn’t call to argue over what you think your name is. This is a long distance call, by the way. The United States is picking up the tab for this call.

Zelensky: Of course, Mr. Trump. Ukraine very much wants to have good relations with United States. As I’m sure you know, two decades ago our nation agreed to give up nuclear weapons at the urging of the U.S. In exchange, the U.S. promised to give us security assistance. Russia has taken part of our land and slaughtered our people. Please to help us.

Trump: I need a favor from you, though. We’ve been very good to you. Very, very good to you. And it hasn’t exactly been reciprocal. Reciprocal is considered a big word in English. I don’t know if you knew that. I’m like a smart guy. I know words. I have, like, a very good brain. Reciprocal means you need to investigate Joe Biden and his son. I heard they did some things that were maybe a bit corrupt with your former prosecutor. I’m hearing from many different people that Biden was, like, bragging about this. That’s what people are telling me. And it’s really, in a way it’s kind of sad. This Hunter Biden, he’s Joe’s only surviving child. I don’t know if you knew that. He started with three and now he’s down to one. He can’t even keep his own kids alive. Believe me, that’s not the kind of guy you want in the White House. He can’t even protect his own kids. How’s he going to protect the Ukraine? I have five kids and they’re all alive. Don Jr., Eric and The Other Girl could all die tomorrow and I wouldn’t really miss them if I’m being honest. But I’d still have more living children than Biden. Joe’s been married twice. I don’t know if you knew that. His first wife died and that may be the one thing he did better than me. I have two ex-wives. And with ex-wives, I have to pay them. But with a dead wife, you receive a life insurance payment. So in that regard, it makes more sense financially to have a dead wife than an ex-wife.

Zelensky: Yes, of course, Mr. Trump. We will cooperate in any investigation. I have met with Mr. Giuliani and he has brought such issues to my attention.

Trump: You know Rudy is investigating the oranges of the Mueller probe. It was a complete and total witch hunt perpetrated by the democrats. People are telling me, they say Hillary Clinton’s email server is actually in Ukraine. I’m hearing this from many, many people. The democrats actually hacked their own server to start this phony Russia collusion witch hunt to make Trump look bad. So it’s very, very important to me to get to the oranges of the Mueller probe.

Zelensky: Yes, Mr. Trump. I will help in any way I can. As I stated before, my people are being murdered and we need your help.

Trump: I really, I hate to have to say this, but maybe Joe Biden has something to do with that. I heard his first wife and two of his children mysteriously died. That’s a little strange. Don’t you think? Maybe there’s something to be found in Hillary Clinton’s emails that will explain all this. I don’t know. But people are telling me it’s very suspicious. That’s what I’m hearing. So, you’ll get with the attorney general and Rudy Giuliani and see what you can find out.

Zelensky: And you will provide aid to my country?

Trump: Look, you scratch my back and we’ll see if my itch goes away.

 

Trump was disturbed to discover releasing this memo, clearly showing he committed an impeachable crime, has done nothing to stop his impeachment. In fact, it has accelerated impeachment proceedings.

At a loss for what to do, Trump has declared Nancy Pelosi is no longer the House Speaker and has called for the execution of the Whistleblower. But since he has no power to enforce either of those things, he went on a Twitter tirade.

Now please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.

 

Namaste, Bitches

Two Turntables and a Microphone

The third democratic primary debate was hosted by ABC. Due to the existence of so many twenty-four hour news channels I haven’t watched network news in a long time. I didn’t realize how long it had been until I tuned into the debate and wondered where Ted Koppel was. Then I wondered if Ted Koppel is still alive. So I looked it up and I’m happy to report he is alive.

There were four moderators and I only recognized two of them, George Stephanopolous and Jorge Ramos. I have no idea why I know Jorge Ramos. He’s the anchor for Univision, which I don’t watch because I don’t know Spanish. Weird. Anyway, I had never heard of the other anchors and I didn’t bother learning their names because I had ten candidates to keep track of. Therefore, I’d like to apologize in advance to Black Lady and White Guy With Way Too Much Product In His Hair.

I may start watching network news again. Because ABC treated the debate with the dignity one might expect in a presidential debate. The MSNBC debate became The Chuck Todd Show. CNN treated the debate like the boardroom segment of The Apprentice. They even had an absurd reality show opening which turned me off before the debate began. So ABC has won me over and I may learn the names of Black Lady and White Guy With Way Too Much Product In His Hair. Eventually. If I feel like it. I did just put a lot of effort into the mystery of Ted Koppel.

Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren are my top two bitches and nothing in the debate changed my mind about that. And now I’d like to take a moment to address a mansplainer on Twitter. In a previous post, Hindsight Is 2016, I wrote about how it’s totally fucked up that we haven’t had a woman president. So Twitter Mansplainer told me I should vote for the most qualified person and not base my vote on gender. And I was all like, “Dude. I didn’t make a woman president a big fucking deal. Society did. Because if it wasn’t a big fucking deal we would have had a woman president by now.”

Also, I didn’t say I wouldn’t vote for a man. I said I would go on a rampage if I didn’t get a woman president. It’s a free country. I can go on a fucking rampage if I want to. Then Twitter Mansplainer told me he’s been fighting misogyny his whole life and I should reconsider and blah, blah, blah. For the record, one cannot be an arrogant mansplaining jackass and fight misogyny at the same time. I finally had enough of this guy and I was all like, “For fuck’s sake, I accused Julian Castro of having an evil twin. I shouldn’t have to explain to anyone that I wasn’t serious about that.” Twitter Mansplainer did not respond. Either he got the message or he found someone else to annoy.

Just so everything is clear, I do not believe Julian Castro has an evil twin. After watching the debate, I have concluded that Julian is the evil twin. Joaquin is the good twin. Julian was kind of a dick on this night.

  

Healthcare took up almost the entire first hour of the debate. Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are pushing Medicare For All. We all know from the Hot Mic Incident of 2010 that Joe Biden believes the Affordable Care Act to be a big fucking deal. So obviously Joe wants to keep the ACA and improve on that. 

 

Everyone else thinks there should be some sort of Variety Pack where you can have Medicare or you can keep your current insurance provider if you so love your current insurance provider. To which Elizabeth Warren replied, “I’ve never met anyone who loves their insurance provider.” And that’s why Elizabeth Warren is my bitch.

In the nineties Mitt Romney and Ted Kennedy were debating for a senate seat. Romney said the Kennedys were only in it for the money. And Ted Kennedy was all like, “You stupid motherfucker. You have to know I’m going to take this opportunity to talk about my three dead brothers, right?”

I mention this because Bernie Sanders started yelling about cancer to Joe Biden. I say yelling to, instead of yelling at, because Bernie only speaks at one loud volume, making it kind of hard to tell if he’s mad or not. Regardless, Biden recently lost his son to cancer, so it was kind of easy to tell that he was mad.

Then it was Julian Castro’s turn and he went on the attack against Joe Biden. Right after Biden talked about his dead son. So that was kind of a dick move. Castro misrepresented what Biden said about healthcare. And Biden was all like, “That’s not what I said.” Then Evil Twin Julian was all like, “Yes, it is. You just said it two minutes ago. Have you already forgotten what you said two minutes ago? Seriously, you don’t remember what you said two minutes ago? Come on, it was two minutes ago. You don’t remember? You’re so old you can’t remember what you said two minutes ago? Are you better off now than you were two minutes ago?”

Not only did Julian look like an asshole for picking on Biden’s age, but he was completely wrong about what Biden said. You can be an obnoxious asshole or you can be stupid. But you can’t be both. We already have a president like that.

Then Mayor Pete jumped in and said, “This petty bullshit is why people don’t like politics.”

And Julian said, “It’s called a democratic primary election.” Lamest comeback ever. And unfortunately, that was Julian’s third strike. He’s out. Perhaps, the good twin can run in his place.

I shall now copy CNN and list the Winners and Losers from the debate. I’m copying the idea, not their actual list. Because I never agree with their list.

Winners:

Elizabeth Warren – She’s my bitch and I already explained why.

Kamala Harris – She’s my top bitch. She used her opening statement to tell Trump he will be indicted and nothing the Fox and Friends say is admissible in court. Later, she described Trump as the little dude behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. I loved that, but I do have to deduct a point because the little dude behind the curtain is The Wizard of Oz. It’s the most watched movie of all time. How could she not know that?

Cory Booker – My sister pointed out that Cory Booker looks like Angry Obama Translator from the Key and Peele skit. Therefore, I can no longer look at Cory Booker without laughing. But that’s not his fault.

Many people, including me, made fun of Cory Booker’s attempt at speaking Spanish in the first debate. Jorge Ramos asked Cory if he believed everyone should follow his vegan diet.

Cory: No. I’ll translate that into Spanish. No.

Well played, Cory Booker. Well played.

Mayor Pete – At the end of the evening the candidates were asked about surviving shit or overcoming shit or some shit like that. And Mayor Pete said something like, “Yeah, so I was a mayor in Indiana and Mike Pence was governor. I wanted to come out, but I had to face the very real threat that Mike Pence would have me kidnapped and taken to one of those “Pray Away The Gay” camps. But I came out anyway. And now I’m coming for Mike Pence. But not in a gay way. So suck on that, Mike. But not in a gay way.”

Bernie Sanders - Bernie is on the winners list for wearing me down. I don’t know which is the best healthcare plan. I do know that Bernie is never going to shut up about Medicare For All. He was asked about gun control and his answer was pass Medicare For All. Let’s just pass the damn bill because Bernie is making me tired.

Beto O’Rourke – Beto’s coming to your house and taking your AK-47. And he made a point I’ve been making for years. The Second Amendment doesn’t give you the right to own any weapon. He said, “We don’t allow people to own grenade launchers.” That’s fucking right, Beto. The Second Amendment is the right to bear arms. Lots of things are arms. Who the fuck decided it only applies to guns? If the Second Amendment people really took it literally they would be fighting for their right to own bombs. And if the Supreme Court would simply read my blog, they would learn their interpretation of the Constitution is wrong.

Losers:

Andrew Yang – He pulled some Willy Wonka bullshit with his opening statement. If you go to Yang.com and enter his contest, you can be one of the golden ticket winners to receive twelve thousand dollars. Also, the money he’s giving away isn’t his. It’s money from his campaign donors. And also, I’m not entirely sure his website is Yang.com. If you go to Yang.com, I’m not responsible for what you find. I could look up his actual website, but I already did the Ted Koppel thing.

Amy Klobuchar – She didn’t have a single original line all night. I shall now provide quotes.

“There is more that unites us than divides us.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Hillary Clinton

“A house divided cannot stand.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Abe Lincoln

“Houston, we have a problem.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Tom Hanks

Julian Castro – He was kind of a dick. I already covered that.

Winner/Loser:

Joe Biden – Joe did fine in the debate overall, but he did have a fucked up moment. I don’t understand why he has such trouble answering questions about race. He was the vice president to the first African American president. He should be doing better on the subject of race.

So Black Lady asked him about a statement he made on slavery in 1975. In 1975, Joe did not feel he was responsible for things that happened three hundred years ago. This is how he should have answered:

“Black Lady, I’ve changed my views on a lot of things since 1975. In 1975 I thought Barney Miller was a good show. But when I catch a rerun now I see it was a truly stupid show.”

Then we would have all agreed Barney Miller was a stupid show and moved on. 

 

Instead Joe turned into that Miss South Carolina from ten years ago:

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq.”

Joe not only went Miss South Carolina. He went Crazy Angry Miss South Carolina.

“There is segregation. And in schools, poorer families, my wife is a teacher and my dead wife was a teacher. And the kids come to them, but they don’t have all the answers. So we need social services to go into homes and help them, because it’s not that they neglect the children, but they don’t have the tools. No one has showed them how to raise their children. And families need to turn on the radio, no the microwave, no the Nintendo, no it’s the record player. The record player. Families need to play the record player at night with the children and -”

White Guy With Too Much Product In His Hair tried to cut Joe off and he wasn’t having it.

“No! I’m going to keep talking. Venezuela. That’s not new.”

And then, I guess, he was done.

Julian Castro was called on next. But he couldn’t say shit about Biden’s shit show of an answer because he’d already played his dick card.

Namaste, Bitches