Friday, September 13, 2019

Two Turntables and a Microphone

The third democratic primary debate was hosted by ABC. Due to the existence of so many twenty-four hour news channels I haven’t watched network news in a long time. I didn’t realize how long it had been until I tuned into the debate and wondered where Ted Koppel was. Then I wondered if Ted Koppel is still alive. So I looked it up and I’m happy to report he is alive.

There were four moderators and I only recognized two of them, George Stephanopolous and Jorge Ramos. I have no idea why I know Jorge Ramos. He’s the anchor for Univision, which I don’t watch because I don’t know Spanish. Weird. Anyway, I had never heard of the other anchors and I didn’t bother learning their names because I had ten candidates to keep track of. Therefore, I’d like to apologize in advance to Black Lady and White Guy With Way Too Much Product In His Hair.

I may start watching network news again. Because ABC treated the debate with the dignity one might expect in a presidential debate. The MSNBC debate became The Chuck Todd Show. CNN treated the debate like the boardroom segment of The Apprentice. They even had an absurd reality show opening which turned me off before the debate began. So ABC has won me over and I may learn the names of Black Lady and White Guy With Way Too Much Product In His Hair. Eventually. If I feel like it. I did just put a lot of effort into the mystery of Ted Koppel.

Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren are my top two bitches and nothing in the debate changed my mind about that. And now I’d like to take a moment to address a mansplainer on Twitter. In a previous post, Hindsight Is 2016, I wrote about how it’s totally fucked up that we haven’t had a woman president. So Twitter Mansplainer told me I should vote for the most qualified person and not base my vote on gender. And I was all like, “Dude. I didn’t make a woman president a big fucking deal. Society did. Because if it wasn’t a big fucking deal we would have had a woman president by now.”

Also, I didn’t say I wouldn’t vote for a man. I said I would go on a rampage if I didn’t get a woman president. It’s a free country. I can go on a fucking rampage if I want to. Then Twitter Mansplainer told me he’s been fighting misogyny his whole life and I should reconsider and blah, blah, blah. For the record, one cannot be an arrogant mansplaining jackass and fight misogyny at the same time. I finally had enough of this guy and I was all like, “For fuck’s sake, I accused Julian Castro of having an evil twin. I shouldn’t have to explain to anyone that I wasn’t serious about that.” Twitter Mansplainer did not respond. Either he got the message or he found someone else to annoy.

Just so everything is clear, I do not believe Julian Castro has an evil twin. After watching the debate, I have concluded that Julian is the evil twin. Joaquin is the good twin. Julian was kind of a dick on this night.
Healthcare took up almost the entire first hour of the debate. Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are pushing Medicare For All. We all know from the Hot Mic Incident of 2010 that Joe Biden believes the Affordable Care Act to be a big fucking deal. So obviously Joe wants to keep the ACA and improve on that. 

Everyone else thinks there should be some sort of Variety Pack where you can have Medicare or you can keep your current insurance provider if you so love your current insurance provider. To which Elizabeth Warren replied, “I’ve never met anyone who loves their insurance provider.” And that’s why Elizabeth Warren is my bitch.

In the nineties Mitt Romney and Ted Kennedy were debating for a senate seat. Romney said the Kennedys were only in it for the money. And Ted Kennedy was all like, “You stupid motherfucker. You have to know I’m going to take this opportunity to talk about my three dead brothers, right?”

I mention this because Bernie Sanders started yelling about cancer to Joe Biden. I say yelling to, instead of yelling at, because Bernie only speaks at one loud volume, making it kind of hard to tell if he’s mad or not. Regardless, Biden recently lost his son to cancer, so it was kind of easy to tell that he was mad.

Then it was Julian Castro’s turn and he went on the attack against Joe Biden. Right after Biden talked about his dead son. So that was kind of a dick move. Castro misrepresented what Biden said about healthcare. And Biden was all like, “That’s not what I said.” Then Evil Twin Julian was all like, “Yes, it is. You just said it two minutes ago. Have you already forgotten what you said two minutes ago? Seriously, you don’t remember what you said two minutes ago? Come on, it was two minutes ago. You don’t remember? You’re so old you can’t remember what you said two minutes ago? Are you better off now than you were two minutes ago?”

Not only did Julian look like an asshole for picking on Biden’s age, but he was completely wrong about what Biden said. You can be an obnoxious asshole or you can be stupid. But you can’t be both. We already have a president like that.

Then Mayor Pete jumped in and said, “This petty bullshit is why people don’t like politics.”

And Julian said, “It’s called a democratic primary election.” Lamest comeback ever. And unfortunately, that was Julian’s third strike. He’s out. Perhaps, the good twin can run in his place.

I shall now copy CNN and list the Winners and Losers from the debate. I’m copying the idea, not their actual list. Because I never agree with their list.


Elizabeth Warren – She’s my bitch and I already explained why.

Kamala Harris – She’s my top bitch. She used her opening statement to tell Trump he will be indicted and nothing the Fox and Friends say is admissible in court. Later, she described Trump as the little dude behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. I loved that, but I do have to deduct a point because the little dude behind the curtain is The Wizard of Oz. It’s the most watched movie of all time. How could she not know that?

Cory Booker – My sister pointed out that Cory Booker looks like Angry Obama Translator from the Key and Peele skit. Therefore, I can no longer look at Cory Booker without laughing. But that’s not his fault.

Many people, including me, made fun of Cory Booker’s attempt at speaking Spanish in the first debate. Jorge Ramos asked Cory if he believed everyone should follow his vegan diet.

Cory: No. I’ll translate that into Spanish. No.

Well played, Cory Booker. Well played.

Mayor Pete – At the end of the evening the candidates were asked about surviving shit or overcoming shit or some shit like that. And Mayor Pete said something like, “Yeah, so I was a mayor in Indiana and Mike Pence was governor. I wanted to come out, but I had to face the very real threat that Mike Pence would have me kidnapped and taken to one of those “Pray Away The Gay” camps. But I came out anyway. And now I’m coming for Mike Pence. But not in a gay way. So suck on that, Mike. But not in a gay way.”

Bernie Sanders - Bernie is on the winners list for wearing me down. I don’t know which is the best healthcare plan. I do know that Bernie is never going to shut up about Medicare For All. He was asked about gun control and his answer was pass Medicare For All. Let’s just pass the damn bill because Bernie is making me tired.

Beto O’Rourke – Beto’s coming to your house and taking your AK-47. And he made a point I’ve been making for years. The Second Amendment doesn’t give you the right to own any weapon. He said, “We don’t allow people to own grenade launchers.” That’s fucking right, Beto. The Second Amendment is the right to bear arms. Lots of things are arms. Who the fuck decided it only applies to guns? If the Second Amendment people really took it literally they would be fighting for their right to own bombs. And if the Supreme Court would simply read my blog, they would learn their interpretation of the Constitution is wrong.


Andrew Yang – He pulled some Willy Wonka bullshit with his opening statement. If you go to and enter his contest, you can be one of the golden ticket winners to receive twelve thousand dollars. Also, the money he’s giving away isn’t his. It’s money from his campaign donors. And also, I’m not entirely sure his website is If you go to, I’m not responsible for what you find. I could look up his actual website, but I already did the Ted Koppel thing.

Amy Klobuchar – She didn’t have a single original line all night. I shall now provide quotes.

There is more that unites us than divides us.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Hillary Clinton

A house divided cannot stand.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Abe Lincoln

Houston, we have a problem.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Tom Hanks

Julian Castro – He was kind of a dick. I already covered that.


Joe Biden – Joe did fine in the debate overall, but he did have a fucked up moment. I don’t understand why he has such trouble answering questions about race. He was the vice president to the first African American president. He should be doing better on the subject of race.

So Black Lady asked him about a statement he made on slavery in 1975. In 1975, Joe did not feel he was responsible for things that happened three hundred years ago. This is how he should have answered:

Black Lady, I’ve changed my views on a lot of things since 1975. In 1975 I thought Barney Miller was a good show. But when I catch a rerun now I see it was a truly stupid show.”

Then we would have all agreed Barney Miller was a stupid show and moved on. 

Instead Joe turned into that Miss South Carolina from ten years ago:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq.”

Joe not only went Miss South Carolina. He went Crazy Angry Miss South Carolina.

There is segregation. And in schools, poorer families, my wife is a teacher and my dead wife was a teacher. And the kids come to them, but they don’t have all the answers. So we need social services to go into homes and help them, because it’s not that they neglect the children, but they don’t have the tools. No one has showed them how to raise their children. And families need to turn on the radio, no the microwave, no the Nintendo, no it’s the record player. The record player. Families need to play the record player at night with the children and -”

White Guy With Too Much Product In His Hair tried to cut Joe off and he wasn’t having it.

No! I’m going to keep talking. Venezuela. That’s not new.”

And then, I guess, he was done.

Julian Castro was called on next. But he couldn’t say shit about Biden’s shit show of an answer because he’d already played his dick card.

Namaste, Bitches


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