Monday, May 27, 2019

Hindsight Is 2016

As of this writing twenty four democrats are running for president. By the time this is published that number is likely to double. I have no facts to support that statement.

I fear with so many candidates the craziest one in the bunch may get the most media attention. We could end up with the liberal version of Donald Trump, which I think is Rosie O’Donnell. While it would be hilarious to watch them debate each other, it’s probably not good for America.

In 2016 I expected to see the first woman elected president. And I’m not over it. I’m never getting over it. My greatest talent is my ability to hold a grudge. Therefore, I fucking hate every man running for president. I want, nay, I demand a woman president in 2020.

I’m also holding a grudge against people who ramble on about what Hillary did wrong in 2016. Hillary Clinton is the only woman in history to win presidential primaries. Hillary Clinton is the only woman in history to be the presidential nominee of a major party. Hillary Clinton is the only woman in history to win the popular vote for president. That’s some historically important shit. Stop blaming Hillary for a fucked up electoral process in a deeply entrenched patriarchal society.

Anyway, if we don’t elect a woman president in 2020, I, Donna Troy, pledge to go on an epic rampage. I will grab my pink hammer from my pink toolbox and wander around randomly bashing people in the head while shouting, “Say it loud! I’m a bitch and I’m proud!” Donna Troy will also only refer to herself in the third person like James Brown.

(I bought a pink toolbox because my dad is color blind and he decides to fix stuff in my apartment every time he comes to visit. I once came home from work to discover he’d sawed off the bottom of my bathroom door. Because my mom wanted to put a rug in my bathroom and it was too thick and the door got stuck. They don’t comprehend the concept of renting and security deposits. Forcing him to unknowingly use pink tools is my only recourse).

Donna Troy would prefer not to go on a rampage if she doesn’t have to. Donna Troy feels like a rampage would cut into a lot of her ‘me time.’ Donna Troy has also decided talking in third person is awkward and unnatural. Donna Troy doesn’t know how it didn’t drive James Brown crazy.

In an effort to avoid a rampage, I shall help you get in touch with your inner bitch by listing every man who is running for the democratic nomination and the reason(s) why you shouldn’t vote for each. I actually kind of like some of them even though I fucking hate them for running. Nevertheless, they’re disrupting The Bitch Revolution and they have to go.

Donna Troy’s List Of Men Guilty Of Obstructing Bitches

1. Michael Bennet, Colorado Senator

He has a C+ rating with the NRA because he has mixed feelings about gun laws. Columbine. Aurora Movie Theater. How many mass shootings need to happen under your watch before you have the balls to tell the NRA to fuck off?

2. Joe Biden, Former Vice President

This one is difficult because I really like Joe Biden. I find his bromance with Obama fucking adorable. Historically, presidents don’t get along so well with their vice presidents. Al Gore hides from the Clintons like I used to hide from my neighbor who kept trying to get me to go to church with her. Lyndon Johnson’s jealously of JFK grew exponentially following his assassination. Eisenhower couldn’t say a single good word about Nixon. He turned out to be right about Nixon, but at the time he just seemed like a dick.

I also feel the need to defend Biden over the whole hugging controversy. I fully support the Me Too Movement and I would be more than happy to savagely beat every pervert with my pink hammer. However, this hugging stuff is bullshit. I’m not a hugger, but I’ve known a lot of huggers. When a hugger starts moving in on me I yell, “You’re violating my personal space bubble.” They look startled and back off. Problem solved. There’s no need to run to the press and tell the oh-so-dramatic story of how you were hugged against your will.

However, you shouldn’t vote for Joe Biden because he’s long winded. And we’re already dealing with a long winded president. I prefer speeches to wrap up in a timely fashion. As a wise woman once said, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

3. Bill de Blasio, New York City Mayor

I don’t know much about him, but Rudy Guiliani has turned me off New York mayors. I feel like there’s some bad juju around Gracie Mansion. I’m also reading a book about a woman who lived at Gracie Square and had her teenage son kill her father. This may be adding to my bad juju feeling. Good book, though. It’s called Nutcracker. I recommend it if you’re looking for a trashy summer read.

4. Cory Booker, New Jersey Senator

Cory Booker has pledged to select a woman as his running mate. I find that condescending like he’s doing some act of charity. We don’t need your pity, motherfucker.

5. Steve Bullock, Montana Governor

Honestly, I never heard of him before I looked up the list of candidates for this blog post. And unless you live in Montana, you’ve never heard of him either.

6. Pete Buttigieg, Mayor of South Bend, Indiana

I really like Mayor Pete. He’s a gay war veteran with an elegant way of insulting people. He can cut down Trump and Pence without sinking to their bitter childish levels. If we don’t get a woman nominee, he’s currently my top male choice. However, his nomination will not prevent my rampage.

7. Julian Castro, Former Secretary of HUD Under the Obama Administration

It would be the ultimate Fuck You to President Trump to elect a Hispanic president. Unfortunately, Julian Castro has an identical twin brother, Joaquin Castro. And I’ve watched enough soap operas in my life to know one twin is always evil. I don’t know which one is the evil twin, but it’s dangerous either way. If Julian’s the evil twin we don’t want him in the White House. But if Joaquin is the evil twin he’ll kidnap Julian and take his place. And we’ll notice “Julian” is acting funny, but we’ll have no way to prove he’s really Joaquin. 

6. Mike Gravel, Former Alaskan Senator

Dude is eighty nine years old. I don’t like age discrimination, but in this case I’m making an exception. He’s clearly on borrowed time. The average life span is eighty years. He would be ninety on Inauguration Day. I don’t want to elect a president, then have to do it all over again when he dies of oldness before his first term is up.

7. John Hickenlooper, Former Colorado Governor

Like others on this list, I knew nothing about John Hickenlooper before I started this list. Wikipedia tells me his father was friends with Kurt Vonnegut. This immediately made his father cool to me. And since I guess I’m recommending books now, I shall suggest a few titles by Kurt Vonnegut: Cat’s Cradle and God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian.

However, just because his dad had cool friends, or a cool friend, is no reason Hickenlooper should be president. Plus, his name is ridiculous. You can’t say President Hickenlooper without laughing. Go ahead. Try it. It sounds like a cartoon character.

8. Jay Inslee, Washington Governor

I don’t care for the name Jay.

9. Wayne Messam, Mayor of Miramar, Florida

I know nothing about him or Miramar, Florida. I can only assume he’s doing what Florida does in every election, stirring shit and wasting everyone’s time.

10. Seth Moulton, Massachusetts Congressman

I don’t like his face.

11. Beto O’Rourke, Former Texas Congressman

As we all know Beto chose not to run for re-election in the House and, instead, decided to run against Ted Cruz in the Senate. And he came so fucking close I think Texas may be falling out of love with Ted Cruz. I mean, I have friends from Texas – two to be exact – and they hate Ted Cruz. I think Beto’s talents are better spent in efforts to eliminate Ted Cruz by any means possible.

We have enough people taking on Trump. We really need people taking out Trump enablers like that Muppet Asshole, Ted Cruz. I hate his fucking face. And his evil Muppet voice.

12. Tim Ryan, Ohio Congressman

Tim Ryan voted against the National Do Not Call Registry. Please feel free to call Tim Ryan at any of his office locations and ask him if he’s happy with his long distance service.

Akron Office - (330) 630-7311

Warren Office – (800) 856-4152 or (330) 373-0074

Youngstown Office - (330) 740-0193

DC Office - (202) 225-5261

13. Bernie Sanders, Vermont Senator

I never felt the Bern. Not once. I don’t understood the fascination with Bernie Sanders. And as is my greatest talent, I’m holding a 2016 grudge against him. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Bernie Bros.

Dear Bernie Bros,

Hillary Clinton did not steal the nomination from Bernie Sanders. It was never close. Hillary was closer to Obama in the 2008 primary than Bernie ever was to Hillary in 2016. And people were calling for Hillary to drop out in 2008 and hand it to Obama long before the DNC. In short, Bernie never had a chance, but was treated way the fuck better by the DNC than they treated Hillary eight years prior.

And thanks to Bernie, I don’t know how to feel about Susan Sarandon. I always loved her, but she got weird and creepy after Bernie lost the nomination. She got into some stupid Twitter war with Debra Messing. And I didn’t want to side with Debra Messing. Not a fan. Will and Grace are the most boring characters on Will & Grace. I’d rather watch twenty two minutes of Jack & Karen.

That being said, I will vote for Bernie if he wins the nomination. However, it will not prevent my rampage.

Warm Wishes,
Donna Troy

14. Eric Swalwell, California Congressman

He’s younger than me. I’m not ready to be older than the president. Shit. I just remembered Mayor Pete’s younger than Eric Swalwell. So he’s out too.

15. Andrew Yang, Entrepreneur

He’s two years older than me, so that’s good. However, he’s a businessman who’s never held a public office. We already have one of those and it’s not working out.

Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, May 11, 2019

The Feminine Mystique

Since the beginning of time all women have known one thing to be true: Men don’t know shit about the female body. Which would be fine if they just admit they don’t know shit and shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, the men who know the least amount of shit want to regulate shit. And Donna Troy is calling bullshit.

In Ohio, republican Men Who Don’t Know Shit introduced a bill to prevent doctors from removing the fetus in cases of life-threatening ectopic pregnancies. They also plan to ban private insurance companies from covering it by calling it an abortion and forcing them, instead, to cover a re-implantation procedure, regardless of the fact that no such procedure exists in medical science.

If you’re a man who doesn’t know shit, you may be thinking, “What the fuck is an ectopic pregnancy?” You won’t ask it because your male ego prevents you from admitting you don’t know shit. I shall explain anyway. An ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo is stuck in the fallopian tube instead of the womb. It cannot gestate. And if not removed, the fallopian tube will burst and the woman will die.

So the embryo can’t be saved. The mother could survive through a proven life saving surgery, but the law makers would rather give imaginary medicine a try. And if the woman dies, it’s her fault for getting pregnant wrong. 

This is Trump level willful ignorance. It’s like how he’s always claiming woman are having abortions at nine months. He says doctors are going around ripping out babies. I think he’s confusing abortion with giving birth.

Or how Men Who Don’t Know Shit think the morning after pill is an abortion pill. A woman can’t be pregnant the morning after. I don’t care how great you think your sperm is, it takes time to travel through the fallopian tubes. The morning after pill activates menstruation by pushing out the egg before the “super sperm” has time to find it. She didn’t have an abortion. She laid an egg.

Alabama is about to pass a near total ban on abortion, with no exceptions for rape or incest. I feel like this is one of those moments where we should all be like, “I’ll fight this all the way to the Supreme Court!” Then I remember there are two known sexual predators on the Supreme Court. And Alabama narrowly missed voting an admitted pedophile into congress. No matter how you feel about abortion, I think we can all agree Alabama should stop reproducing.

And now we come to Georgia. Georgia is banning abortion after the sixth week of pregnancy. If you’re a man who doesn’t know shit, you may be thinking, “Why can’t they get it done in six weeks?” I’ll tell you why. Because the sixth week of pregnancy is the exact moment when a woman pulls up her calendar and says, “Shit. When was my last period?” Any woman who has an abortion after six weeks can be charged with murder and faced with the death penalty. Even if she has the abortion performed in another state.

But wait. It gets better. Women can also be criminally charged for having a miscarriage if the woman is found to be at fault. You may be wondering what the hell they mean by that. Fuck if I know.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the pro-life people.

Dear Pro-Life People Who Don’t Know Shit,

I can’t help but notice a lot of these new pro-life laws result in the death of women. You can’t be a murderer and call yourself pro-life at the same time.

It’s like people who say they’re vegetarians, but they eat fish. They are not vegetarians. They are liars.

And if you keep letting women die willy-nilly, who the fuck are you going to rape and impregnate? You really need to prioritize your goals.

If you think life was better before Roe v. Wade, you should watch Dirty Dancing.

You don’t know shit. Shut the fuck up. Nobody puts baby in a corner.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Did I mention all these states trying to ban abortion also want to ban private insurance companies from covering birth control? Because that seems important.

This led me to the only logical solution, women should withhold sex. No pregnancy and Men Who Don’t Know Shit will get blue balls. It’s a win-win. However, when I took to Twitter this morning I discovered Alyssa Milano had already called for a sex strike. By the way, if you don’t already follow Alyssa Milano on Twitter you should. She’s bad ass. And she’s always on the right side of every issue. And by the right side, I mean my side. I think Alyssa Milano is my spirit animal.

Anyway, Alyssa Milano is calling it a sex strike, but I like to think of it as The Blue Ball Resistance.

This is how The Blue Ball Resistance Works. Ladies, don’t have sex. With men. If you’re a lesbian, have at it. And you can’t pull any loophole bullshit like some Christian teen who took an abstinence pledge. No blow jobs. No hand jobs. No dry humping. It’s the only way to teach shit to Men Who Don’t Know Shit.

Of course, The Blue Ball Resistance can’t prevent rape so be prepared to cut a motherfucker if you have to.

I’ve made it to the age for forty two without ever getting pregnant. Because I’ve never wanted to be pregnant. But as I find myself super fucking Hulk angry at the new abortion laws being passed, I want to get knocked up just to have an abortion. Then I shall shout those immortal words once spoken by the great philosopher, Cartman from South Park, “It’s my hot body. I’ll do what I want.”

Namaste, Bitches


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