As of this writing twenty four
democrats are running for president. By the time this is published
that number is likely to double. I have no facts to support that
statement.
I
fear with so many candidates the craziest one in the bunch may get
the most media attention. We could end up with the liberal version of
Donald Trump, which I think is Rosie O’Donnell. While it would be
hilarious to watch them debate each other, it’s probably not good
for America.
In
2016 I expected to see the first woman elected president. And I’m
not over it. I’m never getting over it. My greatest talent is my
ability to hold a grudge. Therefore, I fucking hate every man running
for president. I want, nay, I demand a woman president in 2020.
I’m
also holding a grudge against people who ramble on about what Hillary
did wrong in 2016. Hillary Clinton is the only woman in history to
win presidential primaries. Hillary Clinton is the only woman in
history to be the presidential nominee of a major party. Hillary
Clinton is the only woman in history to win the popular vote for
president. That’s some historically important shit. Stop blaming
Hillary for a fucked up electoral process in a deeply entrenched
patriarchal society.
Anyway,
if we don’t elect a woman president in 2020, I, Donna Troy, pledge
to go on an epic rampage. I will grab my pink hammer from my pink
toolbox and wander around randomly bashing people in the head while
shouting, “Say it loud! I’m a bitch and I’m proud!” Donna
Troy will also only refer to herself in the third person like James
Brown.
(I
bought a pink toolbox because my dad is color blind and he decides to
fix stuff in my apartment every time he comes to visit. I once came
home from work to discover he’d sawed off the bottom of my bathroom
door. Because my mom wanted to put a rug in my bathroom and it was
too thick and the door got stuck. They don’t comprehend the concept
of renting and security deposits. Forcing him to unknowingly use pink
tools is my only recourse).
Donna
Troy would prefer not to go on a rampage if she doesn’t have to.
Donna Troy feels like a rampage would cut into a lot of her ‘me
time.’ Donna Troy has also decided talking in third person is
awkward and unnatural. Donna Troy doesn’t know how it didn’t
drive James Brown crazy.
In
an effort to avoid a rampage, I shall help you get in touch with
your inner bitch by listing every man who is running for the
democratic nomination and the reason(s) why you shouldn’t vote for
each. I actually kind of like some of them even though I fucking hate
them for running. Nevertheless, they’re disrupting The Bitch
Revolution and they have to go.
Donna Troy’s List Of Men
Guilty Of Obstructing Bitches
1. Michael Bennet, Colorado
Senator
He
has a C+ rating with the NRA because he has mixed feelings about gun
laws. Columbine. Aurora Movie Theater.
How many mass shootings need to happen under your watch before you
have the balls to tell the NRA to fuck off?
2. Joe Biden, Former Vice
President
This
one is difficult because I really like Joe Biden. I find his bromance
with Obama fucking adorable. Historically, presidents don’t get
along so well with their vice presidents. Al Gore hides from the
Clintons like I used to hide from my neighbor who kept
trying to get me to go to church with her. Lyndon Johnson’s
jealously of JFK grew exponentially following
his assassination. Eisenhower couldn’t say a single good word about
Nixon. He turned out to be right about Nixon, but at the time he just
seemed like a dick.
I
also feel the need to defend Biden over the whole hugging
controversy. I fully support the Me Too Movement and I would be more
than happy to savagely beat every pervert with my pink hammer.
However, this hugging stuff is bullshit. I’m not a hugger, but I’ve
known a lot of huggers. When a hugger starts moving in on me I yell,
“You’re violating my personal space bubble.” They look startled
and back off. Problem solved. There’s no need to run to the press
and tell the oh-so-dramatic story of how you were hugged against your
will.
However,
you shouldn’t vote for Joe Biden because he’s long winded. And
we’re already dealing with a long winded president. I prefer
speeches to wrap up in a timely fashion. As a wise woman once said,
“Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
3. Bill de Blasio, New York City
Mayor
I don’t know much about him, but
Rudy Guiliani has turned me off New York mayors. I feel like there’s
some bad juju around Gracie Mansion. I’m also reading a book about
a woman who lived at Gracie Square and had her teenage son kill her
father. This may be adding to my bad juju feeling. Good book, though.
It’s called Nutcracker. I recommend it if you’re
looking for a trashy summer read.
4. Cory Booker, New Jersey Senator
Cory Booker has pledged to select a
woman as his running mate. I find that condescending like he’s
doing some act of charity. We don’t need your pity, motherfucker.
5. Steve Bullock, Montana Governor
Honestly, I never heard of him before
I looked up the list of candidates for this blog post. And unless you
live in Montana, you’ve never heard of him either.
6. Pete Buttigieg, Mayor of South
Bend, Indiana
I really like Mayor Pete. He’s a gay
war veteran with an elegant way of insulting people. He can cut down
Trump and Pence without sinking to their bitter childish levels. If
we don’t get a woman nominee, he’s currently my top male choice.
However, his nomination will not prevent my rampage.
7. Julian Castro, Former Secretary
of HUD Under the Obama Administration
It would be the ultimate Fuck You to
President Trump to elect a Hispanic president. Unfortunately, Julian
Castro has an identical twin brother, Joaquin Castro. And I’ve
watched enough soap operas in my life to know one twin is always
evil. I don’t know which one is the evil twin, but it’s dangerous
either way. If Julian’s the evil twin we don’t want him in the
White House. But if Joaquin is the evil twin he’ll kidnap Julian
and take his place. And we’ll notice “Julian” is acting funny,
but we’ll have no way to prove he’s really Joaquin.
6. Mike Gravel, Former Alaskan
Senator
Dude is eighty nine years old. I don’t
like age discrimination, but in this case I’m making an exception.
He’s clearly on borrowed time. The average life span is eighty
years. He would be ninety on Inauguration Day. I don’t want to
elect a president, then have to do it all over again when he dies of
oldness before his first term is up.
7. John Hickenlooper, Former
Colorado Governor
Like others on this list, I knew
nothing about John Hickenlooper before I started this list. Wikipedia
tells me his father was friends with Kurt Vonnegut. This immediately
made his father cool to me. And since I guess I’m recommending
books now, I shall suggest a few titles by Kurt Vonnegut: Cat’s
Cradle and God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian.
However, just because his dad had cool
friends, or a cool friend, is no reason Hickenlooper should be
president. Plus, his name is ridiculous. You can’t say President
Hickenlooper without laughing. Go ahead. Try it. It sounds like a
cartoon character.
8. Jay Inslee, Washington Governor
I don’t care for the name Jay.
9. Wayne Messam, Mayor of Miramar,
Florida
I know nothing about him or Miramar,
Florida. I can only assume he’s doing what Florida does in every
election, stirring shit and wasting everyone’s time.
10. Seth Moulton, Massachusetts
Congressman
I don’t like his face.
11. Beto O’Rourke, Former Texas
Congressman
As we all know Beto chose not to run
for re-election in the House and, instead, decided to run against Ted
Cruz in the Senate. And he came so fucking close I think Texas may be
falling out of love with Ted Cruz. I mean, I have friends from Texas
– two to be exact – and they hate Ted Cruz. I think Beto’s
talents are better spent in efforts to eliminate Ted Cruz by any
means possible.
We have enough people taking on Trump.
We really need people taking out Trump enablers like that Muppet
Asshole, Ted Cruz. I hate his fucking face. And his evil Muppet
voice.
12. Tim Ryan, Ohio Congressman
Tim Ryan voted against the National Do
Not Call Registry. Please feel free to call Tim Ryan at any of his
office locations and ask him if he’s happy with his long distance
service.
Akron
Office - (330)
630-7311
Warren
Office – (800) 856-4152 or (330) 373-0074
Youngstown
Office - (330) 740-0193
DC
Office - (202) 225-5261
13. Bernie Sanders, Vermont
Senator
I never felt the Bern. Not once. I
don’t understood the fascination with Bernie Sanders. And as is my
greatest talent, I’m holding a 2016 grudge against him. Please
excuse me while I write an open letter to Bernie Bros.
Dear Bernie Bros,
Hillary Clinton did not steal the
nomination from Bernie Sanders. It was never close. Hillary was
closer to Obama in the 2008 primary than Bernie ever was to Hillary
in 2016. And people were calling for Hillary to drop out in 2008 and
hand it to Obama long before the DNC. In short, Bernie never had a
chance, but was treated way the fuck better by the DNC than they
treated Hillary eight years prior.
And thanks to Bernie, I don’t
know how to feel about Susan Sarandon. I always loved her, but she
got weird and creepy after Bernie lost the nomination. She got into
some stupid Twitter war with Debra Messing. And I didn’t want to
side with Debra Messing. Not a fan. Will and Grace are the most
boring characters on Will & Grace. I’d rather watch twenty two
minutes of Jack & Karen.
That being said, I will vote for
Bernie if he wins the nomination. However, it will not prevent my
rampage.
Warm Wishes,
Donna Troy
14. Eric Swalwell, California
Congressman
He’s younger than me. I’m not
ready to be older than the president. Shit. I just remembered Mayor
Pete’s younger than Eric Swalwell. So he’s out too.
15. Andrew Yang, Entrepreneur
He’s two years older than me, so
that’s good. However, he’s a businessman who’s never held a
public office. We already have one of those and it’s not working
out.
Namaste,
Bitches
