Sunday, June 23, 2019

Hardball With Donna Troy

Last week I sent out a tweet which read, “We need to prevent the stupid from voting. They’re fucking up America.” And this woman responded all like, “No, Donna! Everyone should have the right to vote. We need to educate people and fight oppression and buy the world a Coke!” Well, that’s not exactly what she said, but you get the idea. So I responded, “It was just a joke.” And she sent me a smiley face.

I don’t know why I bothered responding at all. My original tweet included a picture of Ben Stiller as Zoolander. That should tell the reader I’m just fucking around and not proposing a bill before congress with no further explanation needed. But whatever. She seems like a nice lady. She did send me a smiley face. I’m not fluent in emoji, but I think that means we’re friends now.

The other night Chris Hardball held a town hall with voters in Dayton, Ohio. He went to this particular area because it went to Obama in both 2008 and 2012, but went to Trump in 2016 because apparently the whole county went stupid. With apologies to Smiley Face Lady, I’m no longer fucking around. We need to get the stupid out of the voting pool.

If you missed this program, I shall sum it up for you. Smart people voted for Hillary Clinton. Stupid people voted for Donald Trump.

Chris Hardball wanted to find out what caused Dayton to flip in 2016, but I don’t think the Trump Stupid were voting before. It’s the only explanation. Trump has allowed the truly dumbest among us to feel emboldened in their stupidity. It has now become our duty as responsible citizens to mercilessly crush their self esteem.

If you’re a kind person who has trouble mercilessly crushing the self esteem of others, I can help. I shall now share with you some of my favorite exchanges from the town hall the way I heard them in my head.

Chris: You look like a deplorable redneck who’s probably drunk right now. Tell me why you didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton.

Deplorable Redneck: I was really bothered by Benghazi.

Chris: What, in particular, bothered you about Benghazi?

Deplorable Redneck: From what I understand, from everything I read, she deleted thousands of emails---

Chris: Benghazi is not an email server and scanning headlines is not reading. Follow up question, what’s the point of cutting the sleeves off of a flannel shirt?

Deplorable Redneck: From what I understand, from everything I read, it gets hot in summer and I thought I’d feel cooler without sleeves.

Chris: You know you can buy short-sleeved shirts.

Deplorable Redneck: From what I understand, from everything I read, Hillary destroyed all the short-sleeved shirts with Benghazi.


Someone recently said to me, “Not all Trump supporters are racist.” This is true. Some are just sexist. Which brings me to the next soul I must crush.

Deplorable Woman Hater: I spent a good thirty minutes in the voting booth. I just couldn’t decide between Trump and Clinton. They were both so awful. In the end, I decided Clinton was worse than Trump.

Chris: By worse than Trump, you mean Hillary Clinton has a vagina. People could have valid reasons for not wanting to vote for Clinton, as with any candidate, but how could she possibly be worse than Trump?

Deplorable Woman Hater: She’s just worse than Trump in every way.

Chris: Could you see yourself voting for a woman candidate?

Deplorable Woman Hater: I want a good candidate.

Chris: By good candidate, you mean someone with a penis.

Deplorable Woman Hater: That’s definitely important in choosing a candidate.

Deplorable Woman Hater went on to yell at Senator Sharrod Brown for stealing his money with taxes. Chris Hardball allowed the senator to respond. He responded by talking about tornadoes. True story.

There was another moment I found truly magnificent without having to re-imagine it. An Air Force veteran, who is the daughter of Mexican immigrants, spoke eloquently about the deplorable hate speech toward immigrants perpetrated by one Donald J. Trump. 

Naturally, this prompted some old white guy with a beer gut to clamor for the microphone. Chris Hardball handed Beer Gut the mic. Beer Gut looked directly at the aforementioned veteran and said, “Sorry, Cupcake--.” And he said nothing further because Chris Hardball said, “No, we’re not doing this,” as he reached to take the mic back. Beer Gut held the mic close to his chest all limp-wristed and turned his shoulder away like a little kid trying to prevent someone from touching his favorite toy. Chis was like, “Come on. Hand it over.” And Beer Gut, realizing he had no legal claim to the microphone, handed it over. It was hilarious. The only thing that could have made it better were if Chris had said, “Hand it over, Cupcake.” So I guess I still had to re-imagine it a little.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to White Men Who Wear Du-Rags.

Dear White Men Who Wear Du-Rags,

The only white men who can pull off Du-Rags are professional wrestlers. Because they’re supposed to look ridiculous.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Chris: You’re an old white man wearing a Du-Rag. I’m sure you’ve got something completely ignorant to say.

White Man Wearing Du-Rag: (Pulls out paper and begins reading). Employment has increased 112 percent. Happiness has increased 68 percent among white people. Black unemployment is the lowest it’s been since Emancipation. Woman unemployment is the lowest it’s been since 1953.

Chris: Is Trump really responsible for those things? You could say woman unemployment is the lowest it’s been since 1953 virtually every year beginning in 1954.

White Man Wearing Du-Rag: (Continues looking at paper). I pulled these numbers directly from the president’s Twitter feed.

Chris: But not as many women were in the workforce in the fifties. It was before the women’s liberation movement. You could say woman unemployment is the lowest it’s been since 1853. It doesn’t mean shit and it doesn’t have shit to do with Trump.

This reminded me of a moment during Trump’s 2016 campaign that didn’t get the attention it deserved because of all the other deplorable shit he was up to. During a town hall type event, Trump was asked by a woman voter if he believed in equal pay for woman. Trump answered, “If she does as good of a job as a man.” 

At first, I was deeply offended by this remark. But then I realized a lot of male executives at my workplace do half the work for twice the salary. Therefore, from this moment on, I, Donna Troy, will stop at nothing as I half ass my way to a six figure salary. Even if it means I have to disappear around two o’clock every afternoon and stop responding to emails and texts, forcing others to work late because I can’t be bothered. The future is female, Motherfuckers.

Namaste, Bitches


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