Last week I sent out a tweet which
read, “We need to prevent the stupid from voting. They’re fucking
up America.” And this woman responded all like, “No, Donna!
Everyone should have the right to vote. We need to educate people and
fight oppression and buy the world a Coke!” Well, that’s not
exactly what she said, but you get the idea. So I responded, “It
was just a joke.” And she sent me a smiley face.
I
don’t know why I bothered responding at all. My original tweet
included a picture of Ben Stiller as Zoolander. That should tell the
reader I’m just fucking around and not proposing a bill before
congress with no further explanation needed. But whatever. She seems
like a nice lady. She did send me a smiley face. I’m not fluent in
emoji, but I think that means we’re friends now.
The
other night Chris Hardball held a town hall with voters in Dayton,
Ohio. He went to this particular area because it went to Obama in
both 2008 and 2012, but went to Trump in 2016 because apparently the
whole county went stupid. With apologies to Smiley Face Lady, I’m
no longer fucking around. We need to get the stupid out of the voting
pool.
If
you missed this program, I shall sum it up for you. Smart people
voted for Hillary Clinton. Stupid people voted for Donald Trump.
Chris
Hardball wanted to find out what caused Dayton to flip in 2016, but I
don’t think the Trump Stupid were voting before. It’s the only
explanation. Trump has allowed the truly dumbest among us to feel
emboldened in their stupidity. It has now become our duty as
responsible citizens to mercilessly crush their self esteem.
If
you’re a kind person who has trouble mercilessly crushing the self
esteem of others, I can help. I shall now share with you some of my
favorite exchanges from the town hall the way I heard them in my
head.
Chris:
You look like a deplorable
redneck who’s probably drunk right now. Tell me why you didn’t
vote for Hillary Clinton.
Deplorable
Redneck: I was really bothered
by Benghazi.
Chris:
What, in particular, bothered
you about Benghazi?
Deplorable
Redneck: From what I
understand, from everything I read, she deleted thousands of
emails---
Chris:
Benghazi is not an email
server and scanning headlines is not reading. Follow up question,
what’s the point of cutting the sleeves off of
a flannel shirt?
Deplorable
Redneck: From what I
understand, from everything I read, it gets hot in summer and I
thought I’d feel cooler without sleeves.
Chris:
You know you can buy
short-sleeved shirts.
Deplorable
Redneck: From what I
understand, from everything I read, Hillary destroyed all the
short-sleeved shirts with Benghazi.
Someone
recently said to me, “Not all Trump supporters are racist.” This
is true. Some are just sexist. Which brings me to the next soul I
must crush.
Deplorable
Woman Hater: I spent a good
thirty minutes in the voting booth. I just couldn’t decide between
Trump and Clinton. They were both so awful. In the end, I decided
Clinton was worse than Trump.
Chris:
By worse than Trump, you mean
Hillary Clinton has a vagina. People could have valid reasons for not
wanting to vote for Clinton, as with any candidate, but how
could she possibly be
worse than Trump?
Deplorable
Woman Hater: She’s just
worse than Trump in every way.
Chris:
Could you see yourself voting
for a woman candidate?
Deplorable
Woman Hater: I want a good
candidate.
Chris:
By good candidate, you mean
someone with a penis.
Deplorable
Woman Hater: That’s
definitely important in choosing a candidate.
Deplorable
Woman Hater went on to yell at Senator Sharrod Brown for stealing his
money with taxes. Chris Hardball allowed the senator to respond. He
responded by talking about tornadoes. True story.
There
was another moment I found truly magnificent without having to
re-imagine it. An Air Force
veteran, who is the daughter of Mexican immigrants, spoke eloquently
about the deplorable hate
speech toward immigrants perpetrated by one Donald J. Trump.
Naturally,
this prompted some old white guy with a beer gut to clamor for the
microphone. Chris Hardball handed Beer Gut the mic. Beer Gut looked
directly at the aforementioned veteran and
said, “Sorry, Cupcake--.” And he said nothing further because
Chris Hardball said, “No, we’re not doing this,” as he reached
to take the mic back. Beer Gut held the mic close to his chest all
limp-wristed and turned his shoulder away like a little kid trying
to prevent someone from touching his favorite toy.
Chis was like, “Come on.
Hand it over.” And Beer Gut, realizing he had no legal claim to the
microphone, handed
it over. It was hilarious. The only thing that could have made it
better were if Chris had said, “Hand it over, Cupcake.” So I
guess I still had to re-imagine it a little.
Now
please excuse me while I write an open letter to White Men Who Wear
Du-Rags.
Dear
White Men Who Wear Du-Rags,
The
only white men who can pull off Du-Rags
are professional wrestlers. Because they’re supposed to look
ridiculous.
Kind
Regards,
Donna
Troy
Chris:
You’re an old white man
wearing a Du-Rag.
I’m sure you’ve got something completely ignorant to say.
White
Man Wearing Du-Rag: (Pulls out
paper and begins reading). Employment has increased 112 percent.
Happiness has increased 68 percent among white people. Black
unemployment is the lowest it’s been since Emancipation.
Woman unemployment is the lowest it’s been since 1953.
Chris:
Is Trump really responsible
for those things? You could say woman unemployment is the lowest it’s
been since 1953 virtually every year beginning in 1954.
White
Man Wearing Du-Rag: (Continues
looking at paper). I pulled these numbers directly from the
president’s Twitter feed.
Chris:
But not as many women were in
the workforce in the fifties. It was before the women’s liberation
movement. You could say woman unemployment is the lowest it’s been
since 1853.
It doesn’t mean shit and it doesn’t have shit to do with Trump.
This
reminded me of a moment during Trump’s 2016 campaign that didn’t
get the
attention it deserved
because of all the other deplorable shit he was up to. During a town
hall type event, Trump was asked by a woman voter if he believed in
equal pay for woman. Trump answered,
“If she does as good of a job as a man.”
At
first, I was deeply offended by this remark. But then
I realized a lot of male
executives at my workplace
do half the work for twice the salary. Therefore,
from this moment on,
I, Donna
Troy, will stop at nothing
as I
half ass my way to a six figure salary. Even
if it means I have to disappear around two o’clock every afternoon
and stop responding to emails and texts, forcing others to work late
because I can’t be bothered. The
future is female, Motherfuckers.
Namaste,
Bitches
