Saturday, June 29, 2019

Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Part One

Twenty candidates. Two nights. One snarky blogger. Coverage of the 2020 Democratic Debates, brought to you by Donna Troy, begins now.

If you didn’t watch the debates, don’t worry. I’ll tell you everything you need to know.

If you did watch the debates and didn’t come to the obvious conclusion that you should be throwing your full support behind Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren, don’t worry. I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong. I’ll even try not to be a condescending bitch about it. The operative word being try.

Night One - The Candidates

Bill de Blasio
Tim Ryan
Julian Castro
Cory Booker
Elizabeth Warren
Beto O’Rourke
Amy Klobuchar
Tulsi Gabbard
Jay Inslee
The Bald Guy Who Annoyed Me So Much I Refuse To Learn His Name

There’s quite a divide as to how people received Bill de Blasios’s debate performance. Some thought he had career defining breakout moments. Others thought he was horrible and did major harm to his campaign. I think he’s never going to be president anyway, so he’s not worth talking about.

The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn kept interrupting. All the men interrupted at one point or another, but this guy took it to Deb Level. You’re probably all like, “What the fuck is Deb Level?” I’ll explain. Deb is my co-worker and also a close friend, but she talks non-stop. When she doesn’t have anyone to talk to she narrates everything she’s doing. I’ve had to yell, “Shut the fuck up, Deb,” once a day, every day for the last eleven years. And Deb knows she talks too much so she doesn’t take it personally. She also doesn’t shut the fuck up. So every time The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn interrupted to explain that he, too, cares for the environment, or that he also thinks murdering children is wrong, I shouted, “Shut the fuck up, Deb,” to the TV.

Tim Ryan has crazy eyes and I found that too distracting to pay attention to anything he said.

Beto O’Rourke spoke Spanish, which prompted a whole Spanish speaking pissing contest. Julian Castro was all like, “White dude’s not going to out Spanish me. Me llamo Julian Castro, pendejo.” (Google tells me pendejo is how you say motherfucker in Spanish. If it’s wrong it’s because Google is a motherfucker).

This gave Cory Booker the overwhelming need to swing his dick around and speak Spanish too. And it was painfully obvious Cory also learns Spanish from Google. It was muy bad.

Beto O’Rourke and Julian Castro then got into it over immigration. And Julian Castro was all like, “No one’s trying to build a wall to keep the Irish out, White Dude. Me llamo Julian Castro, pendejo.”

Throughout the evening, every man on the stage claimed to be the only person on the stage to ever do something. This led to a truly epic moment when Jay Inslee claimed to be the only person on the stage who has ever fought for a woman’s right to choose. And Amy Klobuchar totally owned him.

Amy would not let that stand. She held up her arm in a “talk to the hand” kind of way and said, I want to say there are three women up here who fought pretty hard for a woman’s right to choose.” Way to be a boss bitch, Amy. For that moment alone she’s climbed to third place on Donna Troy’s rankings, just behind Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren.

Tulsi Gabbard is a veteran. When the topic got around to war she was able to silence the men by saying, “I’m the only one on this stage who has ever been to war.” And because it’s true, no one could Amy Klobuchar her. Way to be a bad ass bitch, Tulsi. For this reason alone, she’s climbed to fourth place on Donna Troy’s rankings, just behind Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar.

Elizabeth Warren was the front runner of the candidates on Night One and no one dared take her on. Which showed good judgment on their part. Because you better be able to back it up if you challenge Elizabeth Warren or she will destroy you.

She clearly knows her shit and could easily school anyone on that stage. She doesn’t care if the right choice isn’t the popular choice. And not once did she interrupt anyone or attempt to speak Spanish. Because Elizabeth Warren isn’t insecure. Which is good because the current president is insecure and it’s muy bad.

My favorite Elizabeth Warren moment came when she was asked if she had a plan to take on Mitch McConnell. She answered, “Yes.” And the crowd cheered. Because with that one word you knew she meant it. She had an “I’ll cut a motherfucker if I have to” kind of look in her eye. And that really moved me as a voter and as someone who daydreams about cutting motherfuckers.

The time each person spoke was calculated after the debate. NBC moderator Chuck Todd spoke more than Elizabeth Warren. And there were four other moderators. 

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck Todd.

Dear Chuck,

Shut the fuck up. Everybody hates you.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

I would now like to bitch about a few things the NBC reporters and pundits said on their after party show or whatever they called it.

First, they were all like, “No one attacked Joe Biden.” And I was all like, “Yeah. Because you can’t debate someone who’s not there.” For fuck’s sake, NBC.

Second, they complained that the candidates didn’t talk about Donald Trump enough. For fuck’s sake, NBC. We all know none of the candidates want Donald Trump to be president. Can’t we have one Trump free night? I’ve been writing this blog for over three years and I’m seriously running out of new ways to make fun of Trump.

And finally, why is Donny Deutsch a thing? Sometime before the debate Donny Deutsch said if Elizabeth Warren is the nominee Trump will win the election by forty eight states. And NBC people spent days repeating it as if the wisdom of Donny Deutsch is not to be questioned.

On the after party show Donny repeated this bullshit prediction. And thankfully, Lawrence O’Donnell called bullshit on this bullshit prediction. Lawrence said it was a wild guess with zero credibility. And Donny got all butt hurt and started yelling something about spending thirty years observing human behavior.

Please excuse me while I write on open letter to Donny Deutsch.

Dear Donny,

Everyone thirty or over can claim thirty years observance of human behavior. You’re not special.

Warm Wishes,

Donna Troy

This concludes Donna Troy’s coverage of Night One. Look for my coverage of Night Two after I take a nap.

Namaste, Bitches


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