Twenty candidates. Two nights. One
snarky blogger. Coverage of the 2020 Democratic Debates, brought to
you by Donna Troy, begins now.
If
you didn’t watch the debates, don’t worry. I’ll tell you
everything you need to know.
If
you did watch the debates and didn’t come to the obvious conclusion
that you should be throwing your full support behind Kamala Harris
and Elizabeth Warren, don’t worry. I’ll explain to you why you’re
wrong. I’ll even try not to be a condescending bitch about it. The
operative word being try.
Night
One - The Candidates
Bill de Blasio
Tim Ryan
Julian Castro
Cory Booker
Elizabeth Warren
Beto O’Rourke
Amy Klobuchar
Tulsi Gabbard
Jay Inslee
The Bald Guy Who Annoyed Me So Much I
Refuse To Learn His Name
There’s quite a divide as to how
people received Bill de Blasios’s debate performance. Some thought
he had career defining breakout moments. Others thought he was
horrible and did major harm to his campaign. I think he’s never
going to be president anyway, so he’s not worth talking about.
The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To
Learn kept interrupting. All the men interrupted at one point or
another, but this guy took it to Deb Level. You’re probably all
like, “What the fuck is Deb Level?” I’ll explain. Deb is my
co-worker and also a close friend, but she talks non-stop. When she
doesn’t have anyone to talk to she narrates everything she’s
doing. I’ve had to yell, “Shut the fuck up, Deb,” once a day,
every day for the last eleven years. And Deb knows she talks too much
so she doesn’t take it personally. She also doesn’t shut the fuck
up. So every time The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn
interrupted to explain that he, too, cares for the environment, or
that he also thinks murdering children is wrong, I shouted, “Shut
the fuck up, Deb,” to the TV.
Tim Ryan has crazy eyes and I found
that too distracting to pay attention to anything he said.
Beto O’Rourke spoke Spanish, which
prompted a whole Spanish speaking pissing contest. Julian Castro was
all like, “White dude’s not going to out Spanish me. Me llamo
Julian Castro, pendejo.” (Google tells me pendejo is how you say
motherfucker in Spanish. If it’s wrong it’s because Google is a
motherfucker).
This gave Cory Booker the overwhelming
need to swing his dick around and speak Spanish too. And it was
painfully obvious Cory also learns Spanish from Google. It was muy
bad.
Beto O’Rourke and Julian Castro then
got into it over immigration. And Julian Castro was all like, “No
one’s trying to build a wall to keep the Irish out, White Dude. Me
llamo Julian Castro, pendejo.”
Throughout the evening, every man on
the stage claimed to be the only person on the stage to ever do
something. This led to a truly epic moment when Jay Inslee claimed to
be the only person on the stage who has ever fought for a woman’s
right to choose. And Amy Klobuchar totally owned him.
Amy
would not let that stand. She held up her arm
in a “talk to the hand” kind of way
and
said, “I want
to say there are three women up here who fought pretty hard for a
woman’s right to choose.” Way
to be a boss bitch, Amy. For that moment alone she’s climbed to
third place on Donna Troy’s rankings, just behind Kamala Harris and
Elizabeth Warren.
Tulsi Gabbard is a veteran. When the
topic got around to war she was able to silence the men by saying,
“I’m the only one on this stage who has ever been to war.” And
because it’s true, no one could Amy Klobuchar her. Way to be a bad
ass bitch, Tulsi. For this reason alone, she’s climbed to fourth
place on Donna Troy’s rankings, just behind Kamala Harris,
Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar.
Elizabeth Warren was the front runner
of the candidates on Night One and no one dared take her on. Which
showed good judgment on their part. Because you better be able to
back it up if you challenge Elizabeth Warren or she will destroy you.
She clearly knows her shit and could
easily school anyone on that stage. She doesn’t care if the right
choice isn’t the popular choice. And not once did she interrupt
anyone or attempt to speak Spanish. Because Elizabeth Warren isn’t
insecure. Which is good because the current president is insecure and
it’s muy bad.
My favorite Elizabeth Warren moment
came when she was asked if she had a plan to take on Mitch McConnell.
She answered, “Yes.” And the crowd cheered. Because with that one
word you knew she meant it. She had an “I’ll cut a motherfucker
if I have to” kind of look in her eye. And that really moved me as
a voter and as someone who daydreams about cutting motherfuckers.
The time each person spoke was
calculated after the debate. NBC moderator Chuck Todd spoke more than
Elizabeth Warren. And there were four other moderators.
Please excuse
me while I write an open letter to Chuck Todd.
Dear Chuck,
Shut the fuck up. Everybody hates
you.
Kind Regards,
Donna Troy
I would now like to bitch about a few
things the NBC reporters and pundits said on their after party show
or whatever they called it.
First, they were all like, “No one
attacked Joe Biden.” And I was all like, “Yeah. Because you can’t
debate someone who’s not there.” For fuck’s sake, NBC.
Second, they complained that the
candidates didn’t talk about Donald Trump enough. For fuck’s
sake, NBC. We all know none of the candidates want Donald Trump to be
president. Can’t we have one Trump free night? I’ve been writing
this blog for over three years and I’m seriously running out of new
ways to make fun of Trump.
And finally, why is Donny Deutsch a
thing? Sometime before the debate Donny Deutsch said if Elizabeth
Warren is the nominee Trump will win the election by forty eight
states. And NBC people spent days repeating it as if the wisdom of
Donny Deutsch is not to be questioned.
On the after party show Donny repeated
this bullshit prediction. And thankfully, Lawrence O’Donnell called
bullshit on this bullshit prediction. Lawrence said it was a wild
guess with zero credibility. And Donny got all butt hurt and started
yelling something about spending thirty years observing human
behavior.
Please excuse me while I write on open
letter to Donny Deutsch.
Dear Donny,
Everyone thirty or over can claim
thirty years observance of human behavior. You’re not special.
Warm Wishes,
Donna Troy
This concludes Donna Troy’s coverage
of Night One. Look for my coverage of Night Two after I take a nap.
Namaste, Bitches
