Monday, July 1, 2019

Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Part Two

Twenty candidates. Two nights. One snarky blogger. Continuing coverage of the 2020 Democratic Debates, brought to you by Donna Troy, begins now.

The NBC people were extremely disappointed Joe Biden wasn’t attacked on Night One, or The Chuck Todd Show, as it is now known. On Night Two they finally got the Biden bloodbath they so desperately craved.

Night Two – The Candidates

Marianne Williamson
John Hickenlooper
Andrew Yang
Pete Buttigieg
Joe Biden
Bernie Sanders
Kamala Harris
Kirsten Gillibrand
Michael Bennet
Eric Swalwell

You may be wondering, “Who the fuck is Marianne Williamson?” I wondered the same thing. Apparently, she’s some author no one’s ever heard of, who somehow polled high enough to make it to the debate stage. Curiosity forced me to Google her and I learned she is the author of such titles as, Enchanted Love and Emma & Mommy Talk To God. While she offered nothing of value to the discourse, she did provide some much needed, yet unintended, comic relief. Her closing statement went something like this:

Donald Trump, you are filled with hate. I will destroy you with a mixture of essential oils, healing crystals, moonbeams and hoodoo candles. But did you that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

As I stated in a previous blog, John Hickenlooper can’t be president because you can’t say President Hickenlooper without laughing. 

Andrew Yang is some rich tech guy no one’s ever heard of. He’s running on a platform to provide every adult in America with an extra income of one thousand dollars a month. That comes to over thirty-nine billion dollars a year. His plan to raise all that money was hard to follow, but I think it has something to do with selling Avon

Michael Bennet is goofy looking and I found that too distracting to pay attention to anything he had to say.

Kirsten Gillibrand spent the whole evening interrupting like The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn. And on the after party show, the NBC people took credit for Kirsten’s interruptions. Because during last night’s after party they called out the women on The Chuck Todd Show for not interrupting. For fuck’s sake, NBC. You created the world’s first attractive Chuck Todd.

Speaking of massive irritations, I had a horrible migraine the night of the debate. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Bernie Sanders.

Dear Bernie,

There is no need to shout when you have a microphone. I have shitty health insurance and it’s a pain in the ass to get my migraine medication. Until you make good on this promise to fix healthcare, I’m going to need you to use your inside voice.

Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Donna Troy

No matter what Bernie Sanders was asked, he managed to work both Wall Street and Medicare For All into the answer. I found this to be both impressive and boring. 

This is Joe Biden’s third time running for president, which led to the following exchange.

Biden was all like, “I don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation.”

And Eric Swalwell was all like, “You’re living in the past. It’s a new generation.”

Then Mayor Pete was all like, “I’m the youngest. I’ll take it from here. I’ve never been afraid of any deviation.

Then Bernie Sanders was all like, “Shut up, you little punk. I’m the oldest. The world’s in trouble. There’s no communication.

Then Kamala Harris was all like, “Knock it the fuck off or I will turn this car around.”

And that was the end of that. Way to be a boss bitch, Kamala.

Mayor Pete is embroiled in controversy because a black man was killed by a white police officer in his city. Mayor Pete was previously embroiled in controversy because a black police officer was fired after he filed a complaint about racism on the force. Mayor Pete was asked why all this racist shit keeps happening under his watch. And he was all like, “Look, I’m kind of incompetent. And I don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. So we’ll investigate or whatever. Vote for me.”

This prompted four white people to jump in and share their thoughts on racism. Then Kamala Harris began to speak and Chuck Todd was all like, “Whoa, it’s not your turn.” And Kamala said, “As the only black person on this stage, I’d like speak on the issue of race.”

I knew I had just witnessed a truly historic and empowering moment. I’ll never forget the moment Kamala Harris silenced Chuck Todd. For that moment alone she’s climbed to first place on Donna Troy’s rankings, ahead of Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar and Tulsi Gabbard.

If you don’t keep up with the news you may need a little background on what follows. Joe Biden talks too much. And people who talk too much can’t avoid stepping in it. Because they can’t shut the fuck up long enough to do the all important thinking before speaking.

In the weeks leading up to the debate, Joe fondly reminisced about the seventies. He was all like, “There were a lot of segregationists in the senate back then. But they were polite and well mannered. We were able to work together and come to an understanding. We decided it was best not to mandate the busing of African American children to white schools. And instead, allow each school district to integrate when they felt like it. In a more organic fashion. And in the end it all worked out. Obama.”

Despite this, America still loves the shit out of Joe Biden. So he was given ample opportunities to redeem himself before the debate. But for reasons known only to him, he didn’t.

So this happened.

Kamala was all like, “Joe, you’re cool, but you’ve been kind of dick lately. I was a kid in the seventies and I was bused to school. Apologize for siding with the well mannered segregationists or I will end you.

And Biden was all like, “I wasn’t against busing. I voted against mandated busing because you can only push segregationists so far. But African American children were free to go Greyhound to get to white schools. Of course, without mandated busing the schools weren’t forced to integrate. What I’m trying to say is, you know, take the bus or don’t take the bus. Go Greyhound and leave the driving to us. It’s all good.

And Kamala was all like, “I must break you.”

And Biden was all like, “Obama. Is my time up?”

And Kamala was all like, “Oh yeah, your time’s up.”

On the after party show, the NBC people felt it important to repeatedly explain that Kamala’s take down of Biden had been planned. For fuck’s sake, NBC. Of course it was planned. It’s generally wise for one to plan before participating in a presidential debate.

Eric Swalwell used a Joe Biden quote from 1988. Unless Eric Swalwell has some super computer brain that allows him to retrieve his every memory of 1988, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that was planned.

The NBC people also said the moderators did a good job of staying out of the candidates’ way this evening. I’m pretty sure it was their subtle way of apologizing for Chuck Todd. 

Namaste, Bitches


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