Twenty candidates. Two nights. One
snarky blogger. Continuing coverage of the 2020 Democratic Debates,
brought to you by Donna Troy, begins now.
The
NBC people were extremely disappointed Joe Biden wasn’t attacked on
Night One, or The Chuck Todd Show, as it is now known. On Night Two
they finally got the Biden bloodbath they so desperately craved.
Night
Two – The Candidates
Marianne Williamson
John Hickenlooper
Andrew Yang
Pete Buttigieg
Joe Biden
Bernie Sanders
Kamala Harris
Kirsten Gillibrand
Michael Bennet
Eric Swalwell
You
may be wondering, “Who the fuck is Marianne Williamson?” I
wondered the same thing. Apparently, she’s some author no one’s
ever heard of, who somehow polled high enough to make it to the
debate stage. Curiosity forced me to Google her and
I learned she is the author of such titles as, Enchanted
Love
and Emma
&
Mommy Talk To God.
While she offered nothing of value to the discourse, she did provide
some much needed, yet unintended, comic relief. Her closing statement
went something like this:
“Donald
Trump, you are filled with hate. I will destroy you with a mixture of
essential oils, healing crystals, moonbeams
and hoodoo candles. But
did you that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that
you shine can be seen?”
As I stated in a previous blog, John
Hickenlooper can’t be president because you can’t say President
Hickenlooper without laughing.
Andrew
Yang is some rich tech guy no one’s ever heard of. He’s running
on a platform to provide every adult in America with an extra income
of
one thousand dollars a month. That
comes to over thirty-nine billion dollars a year. His plan to
raise
all that money was hard to follow, but I think it has something to do
with
selling
Avon.
Michael
Bennet is goofy looking and I found that too distracting to pay
attention
to anything he had to say.
Kirsten
Gillibrand spent the whole evening
interrupting
like The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn. And
on the after party show, the NBC people took credit for Kirsten’s
interruptions. Because during
last night’s after party
they
called
out
the
women
on The Chuck Todd Show for
not interrupting.
For
fuck’s sake,
NBC. You
created the world’s first attractive Chuck Todd.
Speaking
of massive
irritations,
I had a horrible migraine the night of the debate. Please
excuse me while I write an open letter to Bernie Sanders.
Dear Bernie,
There is no need to shout when you
have a microphone. I have shitty health insurance and it’s a pain
in the ass to get my migraine medication. Until you make good on this
promise to fix healthcare, I’m going to need you to use your inside
voice.
Your cooperation in this matter is
greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Donna Troy
No
matter what Bernie Sanders was asked, he managed to work both
Wall
Street and Medicare For All into the answer. I found this to be both
impressive and boring.
This
is Joe Biden’s third time running for president, which led to the
following exchange.
Biden was all like, “I don’t give
a damn ‘bout my reputation.”
And Eric Swalwell was all like,
“You’re living in the past. It’s a new generation.”
Then
Mayor Pete was all like, “I’m
the youngest. I’ll take it from here.
I’ve
never been afraid of any deviation.”
Then
Bernie Sanders was all like, “Shut
up, you
little punk.
I’m the oldest. The
world’s in trouble. There’s no communication.”
Then
Kamala Harris was all like, “Knock it the
fuck off
or I will turn this car around.”
And that was the end of that. Way to
be a boss bitch, Kamala.
Mayor
Pete is
embroiled
in controversy because
a black man was killed by a white police officer in his city. Mayor
Pete was previously
embroiled
in
controversy
because a black police officer was fired after he filed a complaint
about racism on the force. Mayor
Pete was asked why all this racist shit keeps happening under his
watch. And he was all like, “Look, I’m kind of incompetent. And I
don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation. Never said I wanted to
improve my station. So we’ll investigate or whatever. Vote for me.”
This
prompted four
white people to
jump
in and share their thoughts on racism. Then
Kamala Harris began to speak and Chuck Todd was all like, “Whoa,
it’s not your turn.” And
Kamala said, “As the only black person on this stage, I’d like
speak on the issue of race.”
I knew I had just witnessed a truly
historic and empowering moment. I’ll never forget the moment Kamala
Harris silenced Chuck Todd. For that moment alone she’s climbed to
first place on Donna Troy’s rankings, ahead of Elizabeth Warren, Amy
Klobuchar and Tulsi Gabbard.
If
you don’t keep up with the news you may need a little background on
what follows.
Joe
Biden talks
too much. And people who talk too much can’t avoid stepping in it.
Because they can’t shut the fuck up long enough to do the all
important thinking before speaking.
In
the weeks leading up to the debate, Joe fondly
reminisced
about
the
seventies. He was all like, “There
were a lot of segregationists in the senate back then. But they were
polite and well mannered. We were able to work together and come to
an understanding. We decided it was best not to mandate the busing of
African American children to white schools. And instead, allow each
school district to integrate when they felt like it. In a more
organic fashion. And in the end it all worked out. Obama.”
Despite
this, America
still
loves
the shit out of Joe Biden. So
he
was given ample opportunities to redeem himself before the debate.
But
for reasons known only to him, he didn’t.
So
this happened.
Kamala
was all like, “Joe, you’re cool, but you’ve been kind of dick
lately. I was a kid in the seventies and I was bused to school.
Apologize
for siding with the well mannered segregationists or I will end you.”
And
Biden was all like, “I
wasn’t against busing. I voted against mandated busing because you
can only push segregationists so far. But African American children
were free to go Greyhound to get to
white schools. Of
course, without mandated busing the schools weren’t forced to
integrate. What I’m trying to say is, you know, take the bus or
don’t take the bus. Go Greyhound and leave the driving to us. It’s
all good.”
And Kamala was all like, “I must
break you.”
And
Biden was all like, “Obama.
Is
my time up?”
And
Kamala was all like, “Oh yeah, your
time’s up.”
On
the after party show, the NBC people felt it important to repeatedly
explain
that Kamala’s
take down of Biden had
been planned.
For fuck’s sake, NBC.
Of
course it was planned. It’s generally wise for one to plan before
participating in a presidential debate.
Eric
Swalwell used a Joe
Biden
quote from 1988. Unless
Eric Swalwell has some super computer brain that allows him to
retrieve
his
every memory
of 1988, I’m
going
to go out on a limb and say
that was planned.
The
NBC people also
said
the moderators did a good job of staying out of the candidates’
way this
evening.
I’m
pretty sure it
was
their subtle way of apologizing for Chuck Todd.
Namaste, Bitches