Friday, November 25, 2016

Back From The Future

Hillary Clinton won the presidential election by more than three million votes and Donald Trump became the forty-fifth President of the United States. This has caused the country to fall into another Great Depression. Not an economic depression, just an over all feeling of hopelessness and despair. The few Americans who have been able to crawl out of this cloudy fog of anguish are desperately looking for answers as to what allowed this colossal fuck up to happen. Being one of those desperate to solve the mystery of the colossal fuck up, I've come up with a few theories.

1. The Electoral College is Bullshit

Last week, I was watching MSNBC and Lawrence O'Donnell said something to the effect of, “try explaining how Hillary Clinton won the election and not the presidency to someone from another country.” Oddly enough, I recently had to do that and it was hard. My explanation went something like this:

You see, Jorge, when we vote for president we're not actually voting for president. We're voting for electors who then vote for president in December. So, even though the election has been called, it hasn't actually happened yet. The Founding Fathers didn't trust the American people to choose a president. That's why they set up the electoral college. It's supposed to prevent idiots from getting into the White House. Unfortunately, it tends to work in favor of idiots.

Oh, and if you have republican friends who think it works in favor of democrats, please tell them they're wrong. This has only happened five times in our nation's history and it put a republican in the White House all five times. I don't know where they get this idea, but they seem to think there have been democratic presidents who've lost the popular vote, but won the electoral college. That has never happened. Never. Not once. You tell them that, Jorge. Don't let them go around spreading bullshit.

Anyway, each state gets a number of electorates supposedly based on their population. But that's not really true because the numbers don't make any mathematical sense. The electorates are free to vote for whomever they want, but they don't really do that either. Basically, it's like Dancing With The Stars. It's some weird combination of the judge's points and the audience votes that no one really understands. So, Toni Braxton was sent home even though she's a really good dancer.”

2. Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin Rigged the Election

Donald Trump has been saying the election is rigged for months. I thought he was full of shit until he won the election. Crying foul is a classic cheater move. Every woman knows that a man who is always suspicious is about to give her herpes because he's been whoring around like his name is Bill Clinton. Projecting their bad behavior onto the other person is their only defense. And frankly, Hillary, of all people should have seen it coming.

Obviously, Putin pulled the puppet strings on this. There is no way Trump is smart enough to have rigged an election on his own. He couldn't even pull off his fake university scam without getting caught. In a country where Amway is still a thing, no less.

3. We're in Bizzaro World

If you're not a superhero nerd like me, I guess I'll have to explain Bizzaro World to you. Bizzaro World is an alternate Earth where everything is the opposite of what it is on the real Earth. The Earth is square in Bizzaro World. Bizzaro Superman is evil. He gets his strength from Kryptonite and the sun makes him weak. You get the idea.

Let's look at the facts:

The first African American president is being followed by a president who was endorsed by the Klu Klux Klan. Only in Bizzaro World.

The first female nominee of a major party lost to a man who was caught on tape bragging that he can grab women by their “wherevers” whenever he wants because he's a star. Classic Bizzaro World.

Instead of the first woman president we're about to have the first First Lady who is a former nude model. That's what progress looks like in Bizzaro World. 

The most clear evidence of a Bizzaro World takeover is the shock of the candidates as the election was called. Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were quite obviously dumbfounded. Trump didn't expect to win anymore than Clinton expected to lose.

4. Michael J. Fox Fucked Up the Space-Time Continuum

In Back to the Future II Michael J. Fox traveled to the year 2015, which is currently the past, not the future. While Fox was busy playing with his hover board, the obnoxious bully, Biff, found the time machine and traveled back to 1955. In 1955, old Biff gave young Biff a sports almanac from 2015, which young Biff then used to bet on every game for the next thirty years. Then Michael J. Fox found himself in an alternate 1985 where Biff had become the richest and most powerful man in the country. The ignorant and narcissistic Biff names everything after himself, has a life-sized portrait of himself and throws out childish insults like butthead. Sound familiar? It should. The writers of Back to the Future II actually based alternate 1985 Biff on Donald Trump. Fact. I don't know how they did it, but Michael J. Fox and Doc Brown need to get in their flying DeLorean and fix this shit. Pronto.

5. Apocalypse

Or as I like to call it The Trumpocalypse. Trump is obviously the Antichrist. Need proof? Fine.

According to the Bible, or rather, what Wikipedia says the Bible says, the Antichrist will falsely claim to be the Messiah. You know, like a man who says, “I, alone, can fix all your problems.”

Wikipedia also says the Antichrist will be a “single figure of concentrated evil.” I believe Back to the Future II makes this point quite convincingly. 

I have more theories, but they all pretty much include time travel and alternate realities.

Millions of Americans and people around the world are still experiencing gastrointestinal distress when they hear the words, President-Elect Trump. However, it's important to remain optimistic. We still have many things to look forward to. So many things, in fact, I've made a list.

1. The Non-Existent Wall Along the Southern Border

I, personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump supporter in my office when that dumb ass wall is never built.

2. Alec Baldwin

I, personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump supporter in my office when Donnie is getting into Twitter wars with Alec Baldwin instead of building that dumb ass wall.

3. The Eventual Impeachment of Treasury Secretary Omarosa

Did you know before starring in The Apprentice, Omarosa worked in the Clinton/Gore administration? Fact.

4. The Tell-All Book by Tiffany Trump

Followed by the Lifetime Movie Event based on said book: The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story.

5. The Eventual Impeachment of President Trump

I, personally, cannot wait to laugh in the face of a certain Trump supporter in my office when Donnie is forced out of office in shame and that dumb ass wall is never built.

6. The Election of 2020

I've learned two important things from this election. 

1.) We are way overdue for a woman president. (Well, I already knew that, but I really believed it was going to happen this time. Unfortunately, I kept overestimating the intelligence of the American people to my own dismay.) 

2.) The American people are stupid enough to vote for a TV star with no experience in public office.

This brings us to the election of 2020 and my unrealistic dream of having Lynda Carter run for the democratic nomination. Lynda Carter is a TV star, best known for playing Wonder Woman, who is currently playing the president on Supergirl. Therefore, we know she can act like a president at the very least. I think her husband is a senator or something, so she probably knows more about the government than Trump. Also, it would be the coolest thing ever if she wore the tiara and Wonder Woman cape on Inauguration Day.

Lynda Carter 2020!

Namaste, Bitches

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Clear and Present Anger

Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty. Free at last. We made it to the final debate almost unscathed. As a special treat for making it through all three debates, Dr. Donna Troy will be interpreting the body language of the candidates throughout the debate. Dr. Troy has a Ph.D. in body expression from Themyscira University. Go Fighting Amazonians!

Before we begin the Not-So-Live Blog I would like to take a moment to rate the candidates on their looks the same way D.J. Trump rates women. Hillary Clinton is wearing an off white pantsuit which is a very flattering color on her. A lot of people can’t pull that off. Her hair is perfectly coifed and lovely. Her skin is flawless and glowing. And once again, I really like her lipstick. On a scale of one to ten, she’s a ten.

Donald Trump has a protruding old man gut which he is unable to cloak with his expensive Chinese made suits. He’s wearing a red tie which clashes with his orange face and urine colored hair. His skin looks like burnt fried chicken. He has jowls and that’s just gross. He has beady little black eyes, the kind which frightens small children. And of course, his urine colored hair is arranged in that weird ass Dennis the Menace comb over. On a scale of one to ten, he’s a negative fifty-seven.

Now we begin the Not-So-Live Blog.

The debate is being moderated by Chris Wallace, son of Mike. Once again the candidates do not shake hands, but this time they take it one step further and the spouses don’t shake hands either. And while we’re on the subject, I’m not sure why the Trumps were under the impression that the introduction of spouses included Trump’s kids and in-laws. Bill didn’t bring out Chelsea and the grandchildren. Yet, he had to stand there and wade through a swamp of Trumps. So I’m glad they’ve dispensed with the greeting of the spouses since the Trumps clearly don’t understand the definition of spouses.

Mike’s Son: Tell me your views on the Supreme Court and the Constitution.

Clinton: The Supreme Court should be the voice of the people and support progress for our nation. Also, it would be nice if the senate did their job and confirmed that poor man Obama selected before he finds another job. He’s been waiting since March. His unemployment is due to run out soon. He won’t wait forever.

Trump: Justice Ginsberg said some really nasty things about me. She had to apologize for having opinions because the Constitution doesn’t allow justices on the Supreme Court to have opinions. It was really not nice what she said. The first thing I intend to do is fire Justice Ginsberg. She’s out of there. The Second Amendment is very, very important. My opponent wants to do away with the Second Amendment. I have twenty judges who I would appoint to the Supreme Court. I have a list.

Mike’s Son: There are only nine justices on the Supreme Court.

Trump: Says who? If I want twenty justices I’ll have twenty justices. Maybe I’ll have twenty-nine. Maybe I’ll have seven. Who knows? It’ll be my court. You can’t tell me what to do, Mike Wallace. Also, they will be pro-life justices.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Hillary Clinton appears to be taking notes while Trump is talking, but the relaxed expression on her face tells me she’s not really listening to Trump. I suspect she’s working on the guest list for her inaugural ball. 

Mike’s Son: Secretary Clinton, you think the Supreme Court is wrong on the Second Amendment. What’s wrong with you?

Clinton: I don’t want people to die. Shove that up your pro-life asshole.

Trump: Hillary Clinton was extremely angry about the Supreme Court decision. She was like seriously out of control. What’s up with that?

Clinton: I was angry. Aren’t you glad I didn’t have a gun?

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, you oppose any limits on the Second Amendment. That’s kind of weird considering how many people want to shoot you. Can you explain that?

Trump: The NRA endorsed me. Just like with Putin, if they say nice things about me I’ll say nice things about them.

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, do you want the court to overturn Roe v. Wade?

Trump: If that happened it would go back to the states.

Mike’s Son: That’s not what I asked.

Trump: It would go back to the states.

Mike’s Son: I’ll repeat the question. Do you want the court to overturn Roe v. Wade?

Trump: It would happen automatically.

Mike’s Son: I give up. Secretary Clinton?

Clinton: Grown women are capable of making their own decisions regarding their healthcare.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Donald Trump licks his lips while Clinton is talking. He fidgets a lot and his beady little black eyes glare at Secretary Clinton every time she says, “women.” Trump’s body language tells me he’s a massive douchebag who hates women.

Trump: You can rip the baby out of the womb on the final day. That’s terrible. Women are carrying babies for nine months, and then they just rip them out and go off to their Pilates class like nothing happened. That’s horrible what she’s saying.

Clinton: You don’t rip a baby out like you’re ripping off a Band-Aid, you motherfucking moron. Did you see Dirty Dancing?

Trump: That was before Jennifer Grey had the nose job? Then no, I didn’t see it. She was like a three then.

Mike’s Son: Explain your position on immigration. Mr. Trump, we’ll start with you.

Trump: Hillary Clinton wants to let everyone into our country and make them a sandwich. I will build a wall along our southern border. We need to protect the border. I told you about Ice, right? I went to New Hampshire and the biggest problem there is heroine which flows in across our southern border straight to New Hampshire. The people of New Hampshire are furious with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for letting the heroine through the border. There are some bad hombres out there.

Regular Language Expert Dr. Troy says: While I don’t know much Spanish, my friend, Chris has advised that Trump mispronounced hombre and what he said is actually translated as hungry. La Bamba.

Clinton: How the fuck do you think eleven million people can be deported? Are we going to send police officers from house to house? They don’t have time for that shit. They have other cases to solve. In fact, there are so many unsolved cases there was a show about it called Unsolved Mysteries. Donald Trump has been hooting and hollering about a wall for a year and a half, but when he finally went to Mexico he choked in front of El Presidente. Then he got into a Twitter war when El Presidente said Mexico isn’t paying for his dumb ass wall.

D.J. Trump: First of all, Mexico president likes me just fine. I didn’t choke. In fact, what I said to Mexico president is. I said, “I ain’t never crossed a man who didn’t deserve it. Me be treated like a punk, you know that’s unheard of. You better watch how you’re talking and where you’re walking. Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk, fool.” And he said to me. He said, “Trump, you’re one bad hombre. I’ll pay for the wall.”

Clinton: Let us not forget he hired undocumented workers to build Trump Tower and then threatened to have them deported when they asked to be paid the fifty cents an hour they were promised.

D.J. Trump: Too much television watching got me chasing dreams, bigly. I’m an educated fool with money on my mind. Got a ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye. I’m a loc’d out gangsta, set tripping banger. And my homies is down, so don’t arouse my anger, bigly.

Notorious H.R.C: That’s ridiculous. Tell me, why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?

Mike’s Son: WikiLeaks.

Trump: Thank you.

Clinton: Putin.

Trump: She won’t say radical Islamic terrorism. Now, we can talk about Putin.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Hillary is laughing. This tells me she can’t wait for this to be over and is planning a long bath to wash the stank of Trump off her. Perhaps she will soak in Calgon’s Lavender and Honey bath salts, which are awesome. And for some reason I can only find them at Dollar General. 

Trump: I don’t know Putin. He said nice things about me. Wouldn’t it be great if we got along with Russia? They are out nuclearing us and Putin has no respect for her. That I can tell you.

Clinton: That’s because Putin would rather have a puppet in the White House.

Trump: No, you’re the puppet.

Clinton: The Russians have engaged in cyber-attacks against the U.S. You encouraged espionage against our people.

Trump: You’re the puppet.

(Shout out to Joy Reid at MSNBC for working in the word, Muppetational, when covering this moment.)

Trump: Hillary, you have no idea if Russia is doing this.

Clinton: Do you doubt seventeen of our own intelligence agencies?

Trump: Yeah, I doubt it.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Trump is drinking a lot of water. Possibly because puppets are made of felt and therefore suffer from a dry esophagus.

Clinton: Trump wants to give everyone nuclear weapons.

Trump: I have two hundred admirals and generals endorsing me. General Douglas MacArthur and General George Patton – think about that.

Donna Troy: Wait. Is this a rerun? 

Mike’s Son: We’re moving on to the economy. Could each of you explain your economic policies?

Clinton: I’m investing in the middle class. I’m creating new jobs in clean energy. We’re going to tax the wealthiest one percent.

Donna Troy: Yeah, I think this is a rerun. 

Trump: I love NATO, but these countries haven’t been paying. I said a year ago, “Why aren’t they paying?” Then they started paying and I’ve been given a lot of credit for that. And Hillary Clinton comes out and says, “We love our allies.” How we can get them to pay when we have someone saying, “We think how great they are.”

Donna Troy: I’m starting to question his tax plan. Wait. Is my blog a rerun? Is this Groundhog’s Day? Shit. Trump’s talking about NAFTA and jobs going to Mexico. I think I’ve seen this before. 

Clinton: (Pulls out phone.) Siri, please translate that.

Siri: Donald Trump has no clue what the fuck he is talking about. Translation complete.

Mike’s Son: All economists who have looked at your plan have said your economic plan is unrealistic.

Trump: I just talked to some people from India. People are crying because the factories have closed. People in America, not the people in India. India people have nothing to do with American factories because our jobs are going to Mexico and China. TPP, Hillary is for it.

Clinton: Donald Trump built his hotel with illegal Chinese steel.

Trump: Yeah, but Hillary Clinton didn’t stop me. She was a senator. She could have stopped me from buying illegal Chinese steel, but she didn’t. How do explain that Hillary? If you don’t want me using Chinese steel, try and stop me.

Clinton: I was busy overseeing the capture and execution of Osama Bin Laden while you were breaking up fights between Piers Morgan and Stephen Baldwin on the Celebrity Apprentice.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Donald Trump is shaking his head and looking down a lot. We can deduct from this that he’s looking for his balls. 

Trump: Blah, blah, blah, buildings and massive company. Blah, blah, blah, small one million dollar loan from my father. Blah, blah, blah, Hillary created ISIS.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Hillary is smiling and rolling her eyes at Trump. We can deduct from this that she has his missing balls. 

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, you said wretched creepy things about women to Billy Bush. Since then a dozen women have come forward to say you did wretched creepy things to them. What say you to that?

D.J. Trump: Power and the money, money and the power. Minute after minute, hour after hour. Everybody’s running, but half of them ain’t looking. It’s going on in the kitchen, but I don’t know what’s cooking. They say I gotta learn, but nobody’s here to teach me. If they can’t understand it, how can they reach me. I guess they can’t. I guess they won’t. I guess they front.

Notorious H.R.C.: Now I can bring home the bacon (yeah), fry it in the pan (yeah)
Never let you forget that you're a man
'cause I'm a W-O-M-A-N
That's what I am, doin' all I can
The thing that makes me mad and crazy, upset
Got to break my neck just to get my respect
Go to work and get paid less than a man
When I'm doin' the same damn thing that he can
When I'm aggressive then I'm a bitch
When I got attitude you call me a witch
It ain’t nothing, but a she thing.

Trump: No one has more respect for women than me. Emails.

Clinton: Now I shall list all the people Donald Trump has insulted.

Donna Troy: I’m almost positive this is a rerun now.

Mike’s Son: Secretary Clinton, tells us about the Clinton Foundation.

Clinton: Fuck that. Let’s talk about the Trump Foundation. He used charity money to buy a life sized painting of himself.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Donald Trump’s beady little black eyes are getting rather shifty. This tells me he really thought that painting was a wise investment. Something that would be worth a lot of money after he was president. 

Trump: A hundred percent of the money goes to charity.

Mike’s Son: Wasn’t some of the money used to pay a fine?

Trump: We put up a flag.

Clinton: He doesn’t pay taxes. Don’t forget that.

Trump: Hillary didn’t stop me.

Mike’s Son: We’ve heard this all before.

Donna Troy: I’d like to thank Mike’s son for clearing up the rerun confusion.

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, you have been claiming the election is rigged. Will you accept the result of this election?

Trump: I can’t tell you that. I don’t like to lose. No one likes a loser, so I can’t be a loser. So, if I lose and it looks like, probably, that’s going to happen, I can’t say I’ll accept the results because that would make me a loser. I’m a winner. Everyone knows it. People come up to me all the time and they say to me. They say, “Trump, everything you touch turns to gold. You’re a winner.” And I say to them, “I know. I don’t understand why women complain when I grab them by their “wherevers” because it turns their “wherevers” into gold. I get a little thrill and they get a golden “wherever.” Everybody’s happy.” I will look at the election results at the time.

Body Language Expert Dr. Troy says: Hillary Clinton has what is known as a shit eating grin on her face. This tells me she is pleased with Donnie’s answer. 

Mike’s Son: Mr. Trump, I’m going to do you a solid and give you another chance to answer this question.

Trump: I will tell you at the time. I’ll keep you in suspense. You know, Mike Wallace, I’ve been called the master of suspense by many, many people.

Mike’s Son: That was Alfred Hitchock.

Trump: No, I don’t think so.

Clinton: This is what he does. Whenever he loses something, he claims the system is rigged. He claimed the Emmys were rigged because he didn’t win an Emmy for The Apprentice.

Trump: I should have won. I had a deal with Martin Sheen, also known as, Ramon Esteves. Look it up, folks.

The debate goes on for another twenty minutes, but most people stopped listening once Trump refused to concede the election. I’ll sum up. They talked about foreign affairs. You can read the Not-So-Live blogs of the last two debates to see how that went down because nothing has changed.

We shall skip ahead to the part where Trump calls Hillary a nasty woman. Hillary takes a shot a Trump saying he’ll try to get out of paying for Social Security. Trump calls her “such a nasty woman.” In my mind Hillary responded, “Who’s jamming to my nasty groove?”

Knowing Stuff About The Future Expert Dr. Troy says: Two weeks later Hillary Clinton will be elected the first woman President of the United States. 

This concludes the debate.

Early voting began in my state the day after the debate. I promptly went to vote along with three of my friends. Thanks to Donnie, I learned that perpetrating voter fraud is easy and I live in a swing state. After I voted I went outside, changed my shirt, put on some glasses and went back in to vote as my twin, Dianna Troy. It was super easy.

My friend, Gina, was really tempted to write in her own name for president for no other reason than she thought it exciting to see her name on the ballot. If I may offer some advice to undecided voters and republicans who are too stubborn to vote for Hillary. Gina is wonderful alternate choice. She is kind and funny and most importantly, she will perform a completely out of tune rendition of We Are The World on demand. That alone is reason enough to vote for her. Remember, “There’s a choice we’re making. We’re saving our own lives.” Vote for Gina.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, October 16, 2016

How Low Can You Go?

The Not-So-Live Blog of the Second Presidential Debate

The second presidential debate took place on Sunday, October 9th, but it actually began on Friday, October 7th. On Friday, the Access Hollywood tape was released, which revealed to all of the world that Donald Trump is a serial "wherever" grabber. This put Donnie in a most terrible mood. An hour before the debate began, he dropped a bomb that threatened to change the whole game of this election.

Appearing alongside Donnie at a small press conference were Paula Jones and The Others. Each of the four women expressed their support for Donald Trump, then collected their twenty-five hundred dollar check.


Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Donald Trump.

Dear @realDonaldTrump,

Yeah, so, we already knew about Paula Jones and company. We thoroughly and completely went through all this twenty years ago. Your actions have led me to believe your half-assed apology the other night wasn't sincere. It seems you think Bill Clinton's sexcapades excuse your inexcusable behavior. I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Own your shit.

Best Wishes,

Donna Troy

Now we begin the not-so-live blog.

The candidates walk onto the stage. They say hello, but do not shake hands. Hillary walks away first. Way to be the alpha-bitch, Hillz.

The debate is being moderated by Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz. It's a town hall debate. Audience members will be asking asinine questions.  The first question comes from a teacher. She asks if the candidates believe they are displaying appropriate behavior for children.

Clinton: I'm all about the children. We're stronger together. We're great because we're good. I'm working with every American. (You get the idea.)

Trump: Yeah, what she said. I want to make America great again. We're going to make great trade deals. We're bringing back law and order. A policeman was shot today. I want to do things for the blacks and Latinos.

Anderson: About that Access Hollywood tape. Do you understand that you bragged about committing sexual assault?

DJT:  It was just locker room talk, okay. That's how the guys on my croquet team at the Wharton School of Business talked in the locker room. ISIS is chopping off the heads of people. People heads are being chopped.

AC360:  Are you saying that you haven't groped women without their consent?

DJT:  No one has more respect for women than me. We need to make America safe again. The heads of people are being chopped off in the Middle East and these people, the ones doing the head chopping, not the ones without heads, are pouring into our country.

AC360:  Secretary Clinton, what's your take on the Access Hollywood tape?

HRC:  Why is anyone surprised by this? He's been saying disgusting things for over a year now. I shall go through the list: Miss Universe, Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly, John McCain, African Americans, immigrants, Latinos, Muslims, the disabled, BuzzFeed... The list goes on and on.

Martha Raddatz tries to move on to the next question, but Donnie is itching to respond.

DJT:  Hillary Clinton has done nothing for the African-Americans and our inner cities. I want to help the African-Americans, Latinos and Hispanics. Hillary makes promises and–

Martha Raddatz: Mr. Trump, we need to move on.

DJT:  (Stomps his feet.) That's not fair!

MR:  A Facebook user wants to know how you've changed since that Access Hollywood video.

DJT:  Bill Clinton. Did you see the four women I brought here tonight? Words are things people say. I said words. Bill Clinton is the worst in the history of politics in America. Paula Jones is here tonight and Hillary Clinton should be ashamed of herself.

HRC:  When they go low, we get high. Does anyone have a joint? Own your shit, Donald.

DJT:  You started birtherism and Michelle Obama doesn't like you. I saw a commercial. I read on WikiLeaks how the DNC screwed over Bernie Sanders, and now he's made a deal with the devil. And I would know, because I'm the son of Satan and he tells me about all his deals. Satan and I make the best deals. That's what we're known for. Making great deals, okay.

(Note: Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, is wanted for rape in Sweden. If Trump doesn't want to be known as a sex criminal, he probably shouldn't be quoting sex criminals like Julian Assange and Roger Ailes. Which reminds me, I've been so busy with Trump's bullshit, I haven't had time for Roger Ailes. Note to Roger Ailes: I'm coming for you, motherfucker.)

DJT:  If I win, I'm throwing you in jail for the crimes of acid washing emails and being very not nice to me.

HRC:  We don't threaten to jail our political opponents in the United States. These are things you really should have learned before running for President, because you sound like a thuggish ass-clown.

MR:  Secretary Clinton, what about those emails?

HRC:  Jesus Christ, Martha. How many times do I have to answer this question? The answer is the same as it was the first 782 times I've answered this.

DJT:  I'm not trying to hear that. Hillary Clinton should be ashamed of herself.

HRC:  Hey Donald, guess what? I could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any supporters right now.

AC360:  We're going to a question from an audience member.

DJT:  Anderson, why aren't you bringing up the emails?

AC360:  We just did that.

DJT:  No, the lady reporter did that. It doesn't count.

AC360:  We're moving on.

DJT:  Everyone is ganging up on me. Not fair.

Audience Member: What will you do about the cost of healthcare?

Hillary explains the benefits of the Affordable Care Act, while addressing what she will do to resolve the high cost of insurance and prescription drugs. Meanwhile, Donnie invades her personal space, deciding to stand right behind her with a menacing stare. This might be a good time to mention, Trump has been linked to a number of murders on this very blog site. Donald Trump is an alleged serial killer. It's important to remember that as he lurks behind Hillary Clinton.

DJT:  Obamacare is a total disaster, okay. I will create a tremendous healthcare plan. That I can tell you. It will be the finest healthcare plan God ever created. Obamacare is a total disaster and I will repeal it and replace it with Trump Health. You'll be so healthy, you won't even need a doctor. Doctors will go out of business, okay.

MR:  We'll now go to a question from an audience member.

Audience Member:  I'm a Muslim. What will you do about the growing problem of Islamophobia in America?

DJT:  That's a real problem and I wish I could help you. But when our leaders refuse to say "radical Islamic terrorism" and the guy in San Bernardino and the other Muslims saw dozens and dozens of bombs in his apartment. Nobody said anything. We can't keep letting people into our country. We could be politically correct, but there is a problem with Muslims. And I'm sorry to have to say this, but I think you should leave.

HRC:  Donald Trump doesn't love you. I love you. Remember the nasty things Donald said about Captain Khan and his family when you vote on November 8th.

MR:  Mr. Trump, you called for a complete ban on Muslims entering the country. Is that still your position?

DJT:  If I were President at that time, Captain Khan would be alive today. Hillary Clinton voted for the Iraq war. Don't forget that. The Muslim ban is now "extreme vetting."

MR:  Why has that changed?

DJT:  Why don't you interrupt Hillary Clinton? You interrupt me all the time just because I don't answer the questions you ask. Stupid lady reporter.

MR:  Does the Muslim ban still stand?

DJT:  It's called "extreme vetting," okay. We're letting tens of thousands of people into this country under Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton wants to let in more. We're letting all these people into our country and we don't even know if they like us or not. I have a simple test. We hand them slips of paper that read, "Do you like me? Check Yes or No." If they check Yes, we'll consider letting them in. If they check No, we'll send them by Trump Jet to some uncharted desert isle. That I can tell you.

HRC:  Donald was for the Iraq war. It's on record, yet he keeps denying it.

DJT:  I was against the war in Iraq. Everyone knows it. Hillary Clinton was for the Iraq war.

MR:  I want to move on.

DJT:  Excuse me. Excuse me, Martha Raddatz. She just went over her time. Is this a sisterhood-of-magic-pants type thing where you let her talk and talk and I don't get to say anything?

MR:  Fine. Make it quick.

DJT:  Illegal immigrants are coming into this country. They're criminals and drug lords and when their countries won't take them back, Hillary Clinton says, "That's okay. I have a sofa bed. They can sleep there." We need to protect our southern border. I was just endorsed by Ice. He's one of my favorite rappers, Ice. And he said to me. He said, "Trump, you've got to lose yourself in the moment. You own it. You gotta never let it go. You only get one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow. If there was a problem. Yo, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while me deejay revolves it." That's why Hillary Clinton shouldn't be President.

MR:  WikiLeaks released portions of Secretary Clinton's paid speeches. We have a question from Facebook regarding politicians having public and private positions.

HRC:  I was talking about the movie Lincoln directed by Steven Spielberg. It's a good movie. Check it out. Anyway, that was part of a discussion on Lincoln's strategy to get the Thirteenth Amendment passed through Congress. Martha, I think what's really important here is that Russia and that rapist behind WikiLeaks are hacking into our systems to sway this election. Our adversaries want Donald Trump to be the next President because they know he is incredibly ignorant. Russia would be the Road Runner to Trump's Wile E. Coyote.

DJT:  Now, she's blaming the late great Abraham Lincoln for Bill Clinton's affairs. I don't know anything about Russia. Any time anything goes wrong, they're always blaming Russia. They don't know that it was Russia. Nobody knows that it was Russia. I mean, yes, Secretary Clinton and I know it's Russia, because we received the same security briefing where we were each told by intelligence officials that Russia is doing the hacking. But what does that prove? I'm doing the old post office on Pennsylvania Avenue. The United States government chose me to do the old post office because my balance sheets. Warren Buffet took a huge tax deduction, and I know this because when you're a shady person, other people start acting shady, but they’re just imitating. Yeah, I took a huge tax deduction, but y’all act like you’ve never seen a white person before. Jaws all on the floor. I’m Slim Shady, yes, I’m the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating. I'll release my taxes when this totally routine fifteen-year audit is complete. Post office.

AC360:  We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member:  What will you do to ensure rich assholes pay their fair share in taxes?

DJT:  I've taken advantage of the tax codes. Hillary Clinton complains, 'Oh, Donald Trump doesn't pay enough taxes.' But she was Senator and she could have changed the tax codes. She could have. I am, perhaps, one of the best understanders of government, and I know one Senator by herself has the power to change the tax codes. Why didn't she do it, folks? For thirty years she hasn't done it, and now they put out negative ads against Donald Trump. That's why she hasn't changed the tax codes. So they can go after Donald Trump. I'm lowering taxes for corporations and Hillary is raising taxes for everyone. It's going to be a disaster.

HRC:  I call bullshit on everything he just said. I'm investing in the middle class, closing corporate loopholes, etc. Donald hasn't paid taxes in twenty years because he claimed a billion dollar loss of other people's money.

AC360:  Mr. Trump, did you use that billion dollar loss to avoid paying federal taxes?

DJT:  Of course, I do. Hillary Clinton could have stopped me, but she didn't because she has donors. Donors are people with money. People with money are just like me, and none of us pay taxes. Hillary Clinton doesn't want to do anything about stopping people like me, and I think that's disgraceful.

AC360:  Can you say how many years you have avoided paying federal taxes?

DJT:  No, but I pay taxes. I pay tremendous numbers of taxes. I've paid federal taxes, I think in 1982, maybe. Who knows? But, again, Hillary Clinton didn't stop me from using the loopholes in the tax codes. And I understand the tax codes better than anyone who has ever run for President. And Bernie Sanders – Hillary Clinton has bad judgment. She has bad judgment for letting me get away with tax evasion for my entire adult life. She has bad judgment because she, along with President Obama, created a vacuum and ISIS happened. Way to go, loser.

AC360:  Secretary Clinton, would you like to respond?

HRC:  You may be interested to know that I haven't spent my entire career tracking the goings on of one Donald J. Trump. I've spent most of my life helping people who actually need help like children, 9/11 first responders, veterans and the disabled. I advocated for women's rights around the world while Donald Trump was peeping on naked teenage girls at the Miss Universe pageant.

MR:  We're moving on to a question about Syria.

DJT:  But I want to talk about what a disaster Hillary Clinton was as a Senator.

MR:  Mr. Trump, no. Sit. We're talking about Syria now.

Hillary Clinton clearly knows her shit about Syria and foreign affairs. Donald Trump clearly does not as he didn't mention Syria once in his two minutes. He did have a lot to say about ISIS and how ISIS is entirely Hillary Clinton's fault.

MR:  Mr. Trump, the question was about Syria. I'll give you a hint and tell you what your running mate said about Syria.

DJT:  It doesn't matter. I don't talk to him and I disagree with everything he says. He didn't back me up when the Access Hollywood tape was released. Bros before hoes, Mike. ISIS.

MR:  What do you think will happen if Aleppo falls?

DJT:  It's already fallen. Why can't we do a sneak attack in Iraq? Why can't we sneak in? The bad guys leave when you announce we're attacking. How stupid is our country?

MR:  The military usually has a good reason for doing that.

DJT:  I can't think of one.

MR:  Getting civilians out.

DJT:  Who cares? If the civilians want to live, then they should have moved when the bad guys went into their country.

MR:  What is your strategy?

DJT:  I have two hundred admirals and generals who I talk to, and they can't believe what is happening. General Douglas McArthur and General George Patton – think about that.

MR:  I'm going to go to Secretary Clinton.

Hillary schools Trump on this subject while he paces around the room and then stares creepily into the camera. His beady little black eyes are staring right at me. I feel gross.

Hillary completes her answer and Donnie wants to respond, but not about anything she said.

DJT:  She went a minute over her time and you didn't stop her. If I go a second over, you stop me.

MR:  She was saying something. You don't say anything when you talk, Mr. Trump.

AC360:  We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member:  Do you believe you can be a devoted President for all the people of the United States?

DJT:  Sure. Hillary Clinton called my supporters deplorable, because, and you know this, some of my supporters are in the Ku Klux Klan. So what? Does that mean they don't have the same protection as the African-Americans? As the Latino Americans? As the Hispanic Americans? I will be a great President for the African-Americans, the Latino Americans, the Hispanic Americans, as well as the White Supremacist Americans. The inner cities are a disaster. Most of the blacks are living in poverty. So vote for me. What have you got to lose? You've got nothing. So you've got nothing to lose. And Hillary Clinton was in favor of the TPP, and now she's against it.

HRC:  I've spent my entire life working for the rights of everyone. I've fought discrimination. But most importantly, I know Latinos and Hispanics aren't two separate groups of people.

AC360:  Secretary Clinton, can you defend that 'basket of deplorables' comment?

HRC:  He has supporters in the Klan, Anderson. The fucking Klan. And I apologized for that comment anyway, even though his supporters are in the fucking Klan. Donald Trump has never apologized to anyone for anything, and he has said far worse things than my one comment about the fucking Klan.

DJT:  Hillary Clinton has tremendous hate in her heart. And I think you know that because I called her the devil earlier. Also, she is responsible for her husband's affairs. I'm throwing her in jail when I'm President. Remember that. Trump said it first, folks. Tremendous hate in her heart.

AC360:  Mr. Trump, why do you Tweet about sex tapes at 3 a.m.?

DJT:  I have twenty-five million followers. I'm not unproud of it. Benghazi.

AC360:  Secretary Clinton, does Mr. Trump have the discipline to be a good leader?

HRC:  No.

MR:  We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member:  How would you go about selecting a Supreme Court Justice?

HRC:  I would pick the person with the best experience.

DJT:  I would pick the person most like Antonin Scalia.

AC360:  We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member:  I'm Ken Bone. I'm wearing a bright red sweater. I will be famous for a few days after this. No one knows why. What would you do about clean energy and minimizing job loss?

I could tell you about the candidates’ answers, but none of that matters. All that matters is Ken Bone was wearing a bright red sweater. The makers of that ugly red sweater will completely sell out of bright red sweaters in two days. God bless America.

MR:  We have one final question from an audience member.

Audience Member: Can you each say something positive about the other?

The audience, the moderators and Hillary Clinton laugh. Donald Trump doesn't because he doesn't possess a sense of humor nor any other human emotion. Now on to the positive shit.

I correctly guess each candidate’s answer before a word is said. Clinton will compliment the Trump kids. I know this because that is the only nice thing anyone ever says about Donald Trump. His kids seem polished and well groomed. And Hillary Clinton did not disappoint.

(Note: My roommate has asked me to make a note about The Donalds Jr. She holds a strong conviction that both of Donnie's sons are "two pug scout serial killers.")
Trump will say Hillary Clinton is a fighter. I know this because I watched The Apprentice. I watched The Apprentice because it's hilarious to see D-list celebrities get into fisticuffs over who sold the most hot dogs. The only compliment Trump ever gave in any episode was, "Wow, look at this one. She's really a fighter." And when he fired someone, he said, "He just didn't have any fight in him. He gave up." And Trump didn't disappoint. He said Hillary is a fighter, she never gives up and she sold more hot dogs than Meatloaf. "Meatloaf, you’re fired."

This concludes the debate. A third debate is scheduled. It's completely unnecessary, but it's scheduled.

Following the debate, Chris Hardball was just blown the hell away at that wonderful compliment Trump gave Clinton. Chris Hardball, go to YouTube, watch a clip of The Apprentice, and stop making googly eyes at Trump. He said the same things about Gary Busey and Latoya Jackson.

Namaste, Bitches


guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. Guess what? That "acid wash" nonsense Trump was talking about was apparently a reference to something called BleachBit. It has inspired me to create a color-coded encryption service called TieDye... look for it. Also, I have to give kudos to Ken Bone for not only asking one of the few actual debate questions of the night, but asking about one of my top three issues.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

The Art of a Deal... Appendix 27

Days of Our Lies

We now join the continuing story of Satan's Spawn, Donald J. Trump.

To quote Hillary Clinton, "Woo! Okay." Friday, October 7, 2016, was quite a day for the son of Lucifer. With the realization that Hillary Clinton is cleaning his clock in the polls, Lucifer Jr. claimed illegal immigrants are coming into the country, as we speak, for the sole purpose of voting. Nothing says confidence like claiming the election is rigged before the votes are even counted and, of course, blaming Mexico.

Then Donnie decided he hadn't said enough racist shit for one day. In a moment that would make any Klansman proud, he insisted the Central Park Five are guilty. It matters not to Donnie that DNA evidence exonerated these five men. Nor does it matter to Donnie that the actual attacker has been caught. It doesn't matter to Donnie that the actual attacker murdered other people while these five innocent men were in prison. It doesn't matter to Donnie that these five innocent men were children ranging in ages from 14 to 16 when they were arrested. Donnie insisted on the death penalty for these five children. According to Donnie, they committed the crime of being brown when a white lady was attacked. He cares so much about women and victims of sexual assault.

This brings us to the set of Days of Our Lives in the year 2005. Donald Beelzebub Trump was scheduled to do a cameo on the soap. Access Hollywood came along to film some backstage shit because synergy. Days of Our Lives, The Apprentice and Access Hollywood are all NBC shows. The Washington Post uncovered footage of Trump saying extremely gross shit about women to Billy Bush. Trump believes he is allowed to grab women in their "wherevers" whenever he wants because he's a star. According to a little something called "the law," that is the exact definition of sexual assault.

In an unprecedented move by Trump, he didn't lie and he apologized twice. Sort of. His definition of an apology goes like this:

"I'm not perfect. So, sorry or whatever. Bill Clinton is way worse than me. Make America great again. Vote for Trump."

Personally, I would rather hear his outrageous bullshit over a half-ass insincere apology. Dude was on the set of Days of Our Lives. He should have been ripe with excuses Deplorable Basket People would swallow without question. I mean, evil twin is an obvious choice right there. Amnesia is always a good fall back explanation. He hit his head on the bus causing him to talk crazy and he has no memory of the event. Satanic possession is one of my favorites. Satan's gotten a lot of buzz through this election season. John Boehner called Ted Cruz "Lucifer in the flesh." Dr. Ben Carson tried to tie Hillary Clinton to Lucifer because she read a book forty years ago. In this ongoing biography of Donald Trump, I assert that Donald Trump is the spawn of Satan. Satanic possession is a gold mine. Marlena become possessed in the Christmas of 1994. This caused the Christmas of 1994 to last until New Year's Day 1997, when Marlena's husband, John Black, suddenly remembered he'd been a priest before he lost his memory in 1986. John Black performed a successful exorcism, then remembered he'd been a secret agent before he was a priest.

And when all else fails – Stefano. Stefano is an evil genius who is always dead, but never dies. Stefano is capable of all kinds of nefarious deeds that deny science and logic. That is right up Trump's alley. Stefano implanted a brain chip in Trump. Stefano does amazing work in the reprogramming of brains. He's responsible for John Black's memory loss. Stefano's underground doctors performed plastic surgery on some poor homeless man to create an exact Trump duplicate. Perhaps Dr. Ben Carson is one of Stefano's underground doctors. That would explain the good doctor's belief that there are two Donald Trumps. Stefano kidnapped Marlena again, and Trump went undercover to try to rescue her. He had to say shitty things about women to throw Stefano off his trail.

Republican leaders who endorsed Trump are jumping ship and unfriending him on Facebook, and shit like this is the first abhorrent thing Trump has ever said. Alas, it's too little, too late. The stank of Trump can't be washed off. It will cling to them for all the days of their lives. Like sands through the hourglass, your days are numbered, assholes.

Namaste, Bitches


guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. I know you still don't get Roman numerals, but this is actually Appendix III. And I just have to add, while regrettably emulating the "alt-right", I think Billy Bush is a total cuck.

That Thing That Killed Your Career

The most watched presidential debate in history was recently followed by the least watched vice presidential debate in history. We're breaking records all up in this bitch. Woo hoo! USA! USA!

Donald Look-At-Me Trump took it upon himself to live-tweet the debate. At one point tweeting that Tim Kaine looks like a Batman villain. Uh, no. I already called this one. In a previous blog, I cast Tim Kaine as Robin, The Boy Wonder, and Donnie as the evil villain Trumpacolypse. Tough shit, Donnie, you lose. You didn't even come up with a clever villain name like The Evil Trumpacolypse. Game over.

Seven out of the twelve people who saw the debate believe Mike Pence won. Also, seven out of the twelve people who saw the debate are stupid. Seven stupid people think Mike Pence won because Tim Kaine interrupted a lot. To be fair, Tim Kaine's constant interruptions annoyed the shit out of me, and I'm on his side. I was pissed when Tim Kaine interrupted Mike Pence and the moderator, Elaine I-Can't-Spell-Her-Last-Name. Just as I was pissed when Matt Lauer kept interrupting Hillary Clinton. Just as I was pissed when Donald Trump kept interrupting Hillary Clinton. Just as I was pissed when the debate audience interrupted the debate. To put it in a way Trump supporters will understand, I am a very against interruptions person. However, not understanding the difference between manners and debate skills is what makes seven people stupid.

If you didn't watch the debate, and all signs say you didn't, I'll tell you everything you need to know. It basically went like this:

Kaine: Trump called for a ban on all Muslims entering the country. Can you defend that, Governor Pence?

Pence: (Shakes head.) No. No. He didn't say that.

Rinse and repeat.
At no time throughout the debate did either candidate answer a single question that Elaine Whosey Whatsit asked.

Mike Pence lied his fool ass off during the entire debate. Although, I don't know what else he could have done. Trump's bullshit is indefensible. So, I guess pretending like none of it happened was his only defense. I think it would have been a much more interesting debate if Pence had tried to defend Trump.

Kaine: Trump called for a ban on all Muslims entering the country. Can you defend that, Governor Pence?

Pence: Yes, he called for a temporary ban on Muslims entering the country, only until they all convert to Christianity. Donald and I spoke to Jesus about this. Jesus is cool with it.

Kaine: Trump has called women dogs and pigs. Can you defend that?

Pence: You're taking that in a negative way. Dogs and pigs are beautiful creatures. Dog is man's best friend. Dogs help blind people cross the street. Dogs sniff out drugs and bombs creating a safer world for all of us. Dogs immediately alert all men wearing hard hats in the immediate vicinity of a well every time Timmy gets stuck in that well. And pigs... I mean, who doesn't like bacon?

Kaine: Trump said POWs aren't war heroes. Can you defend that?

Pence: Did you hear there's a hurricane coming? Man, we should really be praying for the people in the path of that deadly hurricane.

Kaine: Trump started the birtherism movement. That's straight up racist. Can you defend that?

Pence: Donald and I have always believed every President should be required to present his, not her, birth certificate. The fact that we forgot to ask about it until we had a black President is purely coincidental.

Kaine: Trump said he would release his tax returns, but has yet to do so. Can you defend that?

Pence: He didn't say when he would release his tax returns. If elected President, I can assure you Donald Trump will release his tax returns at the end of his term. I would ask my fellow Americans to be patient.

Kaine: Trump lost a billion dollars in one year. Can you defend that?

Pence: It's not like it was his money.

Kaine: Trump wants to give Japan nuclear weapons. A nation that may be holding an atomic grudge against us, by the way. Can you defend that?

Pence: The Japanese need nuclear weapons to protect themselves from tsunamis. Didn't you see Sharknado? They have to drop a bomb in the eye of the storm.

Kaine: Trump claimed an Indiana-born judge had an unfair bias due to his Mexican lineage. Can you defend that?

Pence: There's something fishy about that. We simply don't have Mexicans in Indiana. I'm not being racist. Let's not go there. It's just that a Mexican in Indiana would stick out like a Mexican in Indiana. Either this man is lying about being from Indiana or he's lying about being from Mexico. You can't have it both ways.

Kaine: Trump said all Mexicans are criminals, drug dealers and rapists. Defend that.

Pence: He said some of the rapists are all right. There you go with that Mexican thing again.

Okay. Pause. 'That Mexican thing' really happened. Jesus isn't cool with it, and neither is my friend Chris. Please excuse me while my friend Chris writes an open letter to Mike Pence.

Dear Mike Pence,

Let's talk about 'that Mexican thing.' Millions of Mexican-Americans…

pay income taxes,

are military veterans,

are active military,

are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons,

are religious leaders and lay people,

are doctors, teachers, lawyers, judges, as well as housekeepers, civil servants, self-employed entrepreneurs, carpenters, builders, architects, and hold every other occupation and therefore are responsible, productive members of the American society and make positive contributions.

Millions of Mexican-Americans are Democrats, Independents, and I guess a few are Republicans.

They are just like any other immigrant of other nationalities, or like Native-Americans who make up the greatness of the United States.

You, Mike Pence, may now start referring to 'that Mexican thing' as 'That Thing That Killed Your Career.' Now kindly go fuck yourself, you dildo-looking motherfucker.

Warm Regards,

Donna's Friend Chris

Note: I added the last line. Chris is a nice lady and would never call someone a dildo-looking motherfucker. That's why she needs me.

Namaste, Bitches


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