Sunday, October 9, 2016

That Thing That Killed Your Career

The most watched presidential debate in history was recently followed by the least watched vice presidential debate in history. We're breaking records all up in this bitch. Woo hoo! USA! USA!

Donald Look-At-Me Trump took it upon himself to live-tweet the debate. At one point tweeting that Tim Kaine looks like a Batman villain. Uh, no. I already called this one. In a previous blog, I cast Tim Kaine as Robin, The Boy Wonder, and Donnie as the evil villain Trumpacolypse. Tough shit, Donnie, you lose. You didn't even come up with a clever villain name like The Evil Trumpacolypse. Game over.

Seven out of the twelve people who saw the debate believe Mike Pence won. Also, seven out of the twelve people who saw the debate are stupid. Seven stupid people think Mike Pence won because Tim Kaine interrupted a lot. To be fair, Tim Kaine's constant interruptions annoyed the shit out of me, and I'm on his side. I was pissed when Tim Kaine interrupted Mike Pence and the moderator, Elaine I-Can't-Spell-Her-Last-Name. Just as I was pissed when Matt Lauer kept interrupting Hillary Clinton. Just as I was pissed when Donald Trump kept interrupting Hillary Clinton. Just as I was pissed when the debate audience interrupted the debate. To put it in a way Trump supporters will understand, I am a very against interruptions person. However, not understanding the difference between manners and debate skills is what makes seven people stupid.

If you didn't watch the debate, and all signs say you didn't, I'll tell you everything you need to know. It basically went like this:

Kaine: Trump called for a ban on all Muslims entering the country. Can you defend that, Governor Pence?

Pence: (Shakes head.) No. No. He didn't say that.

Rinse and repeat.
At no time throughout the debate did either candidate answer a single question that Elaine Whosey Whatsit asked.

Mike Pence lied his fool ass off during the entire debate. Although, I don't know what else he could have done. Trump's bullshit is indefensible. So, I guess pretending like none of it happened was his only defense. I think it would have been a much more interesting debate if Pence had tried to defend Trump.

Kaine: Trump called for a ban on all Muslims entering the country. Can you defend that, Governor Pence?

Pence: Yes, he called for a temporary ban on Muslims entering the country, only until they all convert to Christianity. Donald and I spoke to Jesus about this. Jesus is cool with it.

Kaine: Trump has called women dogs and pigs. Can you defend that?

Pence: You're taking that in a negative way. Dogs and pigs are beautiful creatures. Dog is man's best friend. Dogs help blind people cross the street. Dogs sniff out drugs and bombs creating a safer world for all of us. Dogs immediately alert all men wearing hard hats in the immediate vicinity of a well every time Timmy gets stuck in that well. And pigs... I mean, who doesn't like bacon?

Kaine: Trump said POWs aren't war heroes. Can you defend that?

Pence: Did you hear there's a hurricane coming? Man, we should really be praying for the people in the path of that deadly hurricane.

Kaine: Trump started the birtherism movement. That's straight up racist. Can you defend that?

Pence: Donald and I have always believed every President should be required to present his, not her, birth certificate. The fact that we forgot to ask about it until we had a black President is purely coincidental.

Kaine: Trump said he would release his tax returns, but has yet to do so. Can you defend that?

Pence: He didn't say when he would release his tax returns. If elected President, I can assure you Donald Trump will release his tax returns at the end of his term. I would ask my fellow Americans to be patient.

Kaine: Trump lost a billion dollars in one year. Can you defend that?

Pence: It's not like it was his money.

Kaine: Trump wants to give Japan nuclear weapons. A nation that may be holding an atomic grudge against us, by the way. Can you defend that?

Pence: The Japanese need nuclear weapons to protect themselves from tsunamis. Didn't you see Sharknado? They have to drop a bomb in the eye of the storm.

Kaine: Trump claimed an Indiana-born judge had an unfair bias due to his Mexican lineage. Can you defend that?

Pence: There's something fishy about that. We simply don't have Mexicans in Indiana. I'm not being racist. Let's not go there. It's just that a Mexican in Indiana would stick out like a Mexican in Indiana. Either this man is lying about being from Indiana or he's lying about being from Mexico. You can't have it both ways.

Kaine: Trump said all Mexicans are criminals, drug dealers and rapists. Defend that.

Pence: He said some of the rapists are all right. There you go with that Mexican thing again.

Okay. Pause. 'That Mexican thing' really happened. Jesus isn't cool with it, and neither is my friend Chris. Please excuse me while my friend Chris writes an open letter to Mike Pence.

Dear Mike Pence,

Let's talk about 'that Mexican thing.' Millions of Mexican-Americans…

pay income taxes,

are military veterans,

are active military,

are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons,

are religious leaders and lay people,

are doctors, teachers, lawyers, judges, as well as housekeepers, civil servants, self-employed entrepreneurs, carpenters, builders, architects, and hold every other occupation and therefore are responsible, productive members of the American society and make positive contributions.

Millions of Mexican-Americans are Democrats, Independents, and I guess a few are Republicans.

They are just like any other immigrant of other nationalities, or like Native-Americans who make up the greatness of the United States.

You, Mike Pence, may now start referring to 'that Mexican thing' as 'That Thing That Killed Your Career.' Now kindly go fuck yourself, you dildo-looking motherfucker.

Warm Regards,

Donna's Friend Chris

Note: I added the last line. Chris is a nice lady and would never call someone a dildo-looking motherfucker. That's why she needs me.

Namaste, Bitches


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