Sunday, April 24, 2016

We Will Smoke Them All

I have a Susan B. Anthony silver dollar. It's in a shoebox in my closet. The U.S. Mint made the coin so close in size and shape to the quarter that it was often confused for a quarter. What should have been a proud moment to see this icon of women's suffrage honored was almost immediately devalued by seventy-five percent. Even on actual currency there is a wage gap. Susan B. Anthony doesn't want to be in a shoebox in my closet. She wants to lead a glamorous life.

The U.S. Mint has tried to put women on currency a few times. Very few. They royally fucked it up each time. I'm going to say they did it on purpose. All currency in circulation with men seem to be working fine. I think they're treating this whole women on money thing like men who don't want to do their laundry. They pretend not to know how the washing machine works, ask if dryer sheets go in the washer, and purposely overstuff it until we give up and do the laundry for them. Seems I was busy doing something close to nothing. The U.S. Mint put Susan B. Anthony in the dryer until she shrunk. Women all across the nation sighed and said, "Fine. Whatever. I'll spend George Washingtons."

In 1886, Martha Washington was jacked onto some weird ass silver dollar certificate. The only time a solo woman was ever featured on paper money and it couldn't even be spent like real money. It could only be traded in to the Treasury for a dollar's worth of silver, which I'm assuming was then confused with a quarter. In 1865, the baptism of Pocahontas was included on the back side of the twenty dollar bill. The front side of that twenty dollar bill featured both The Battle of Something or Other and a procession led by Columbia. Columbia, a fictional woman, beat out Pocahontas, a real woman, for the front side of the twenty. And to add insult to insult, even the fictional woman had to share the front with a bunch of random soldiers from a battle the name of which I can't be bothered to remember.

Finally, in 1999, Sacajawea was featured on a one dollar coin which met the same fate as the Susan B. Anthony coin. Sacajawea is the most recent one and she disappeared so fast I'll bet you don't even remember her. She walked in through the out door.

This week it was announced Harriet Tubman will replace Andrew Jackson on the twenty dollar bill. Sort of. They plan on putting Andrew Jackson on the back of the bill. Harriet Tubman was born into slavery and later escaped. She then risked her own freedom rescuing seventy people from enslavement through the Underground Railroad. She was an armed scout and spy for the United States Army. After the Civil War, she was an active participant in the women's suffrage movement. She could have stopped after the war. She'd done more good for our country than any one person is obligated to. But she kept fighting for everyone's freedoms. She was a truly remarkable woman. No one in the whole universe will ever compare. Andrew Jackson was a genocidal psychopath. We can take him off of money entirely. He doesn't need to be crawling up Harriet Tubman's ass.

It's hard to allow myself to get excited about the Harriet Tubman bill, because I don't trust the U.S. Mint not to fuck it up. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the U.S. Mint.

Dear U.S. Mint,

Please don't fuck up. Harriet Tubman should never be in a shoebox in my bedroom closet. I need a love that's gonna last.


Donna Troy

In the three days since the Tubman announcement, assholes everywhere have discovered they have a profound attachment to Andrew Jackson. It does make sense for assholes to attach themselves to a genocidal psychopath over a self-sacrificing heroine.

Asshole Number One:  Donald Trump. Trump called it "pure political correctness." No, asshole, it's simply correct. Trump uses "politically correct" like Kanye West uses "keeping it real." They're both weak justifications for acting like an asshole. Hey Assholes, act your age not your shoe size. Trump said Andrew Jackson was a great man and suggested creating a new currency for Harriet Tubman.

Asshole Number Two:  Ben Carson. He suggested putting Harriet Tubman on the two dollar bill. Translation: Let's skip the bullshit charade of putting a woman on spendable currency and put her on currency that's already in a shoebox in my closet. Love 'em and leave 'em fast.

Asshole Number Three:  Greta Van Susteran. She said it's stupid to put Harriet Tubman on the twenty dollar bill and suggested creating a twenty-five dollar bill instead. I suggest creating a twenty-five dollar bill with Greta Van Susteran's face on it so I can wipe my ass with it. Oh, honey baby, that's a dead end.

Asshole Number Four:  Jeb! Bush. During one of the early Republican debates, the candidates were asked what woman they would choose to be on the ten dollar bill. (It was originally suppose to be the ten dollar bill. Then there was something about a Broadway play and now it's the twenty.) Each candidate gave some bullshit answer like my mom, my wife or my daughter. Jeb! picked Margaret Thatcher. He couldn't even think of an American woman to put on money. And his mom, a former First Lady, would have been a legit choice. Somewhere in the audience, Barbara Bush was shaking her head and asking "How can you just leave me standing alone in a world that's so cold?"

The only way to prevent the Harriet Tubman twenty dollar bill from failing is to replace all men on paper currency with women. Seven denominations of paper money are currently circulating.

All Seven and We'll Watch Them Fall

Since George Washington is also on the quarter, it's only fitting to replace him with Susan B. Anthony. Susan B. Anthony will finally be worth a whole dollar. She'll no longer need to hide in a shoebox in my closet. Even doves have pride.

The two dollar bill is actually still in circulation even though most people keep it in a shoebox in their closets. Replacing Thomas Jefferson probably won't do much to change that, but I'm doing it anyway. Tina Fey is going into a shoebox in your closet. Her impersonation of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live is the only thing that makes Sarah Palin tolerable. It was Saturday night. I guess that makes it all right.

Lincoln is another greedy bastard on both the penny and the five dollar bill. Lincoln is being replaced with Oprah. I like 'em fat. I like 'em proud.

Pocahontas will be featured on the ten dollar bill. Of course, it will be the fictional Disney cartoon version of she who paints with all the colors of the wind. Animals strike curious poses. Alexander Hamilton is being honored in some hit Broadway musical. He'll be fine.

Genocidal psychopath Andrew Jackson is being replaced on the twenty dollar bill by courageous humanitarian Harriet Tubman. I already told you that. Pay attention.

Ulysses S. Grant is a president known for doing some shit in some war. He's being replaced on the fifty dollar bill by a woman who did some shit in some war, Molly Pitcher. If you've never heard of her, you may find a biography of her in the children's section of your local library. That's how I heard of her. Since you're probably not going to do that, I'll tell you what you need to know. At the Battle of Something or Other, Molly Pitcher carried water back and forth to the soldiers and tended to the wounded. When her husband was hit, she grabbed his gun and took his place in The Battle of Something or Other. War is all around us. My mind says prepare to fight.

It's not about the Benjamins anymore. I'm putting Rosa Parks on the one-hundred dollar bill. She'll never be at the back of any bus again. People carrying Rosa Parks in their wallets don't take the bus. They ride in style. Trump style. I guess I should have known by the way you parked your car sideways that you're an ass. And it's the ultimate cherry-on-top to make Donnie look at Rosa Parks every time he spends his billions and billions of Rosa Parkses.

I've put a lot of thought into this, but the U.S. Mint may still fuck this up on purpose, because they're a bunch of dicks. So I put some more thought into it and came up with a Plan B, also known as The I Could Never Take The Place of Your Man Plan. We'll give up cash entirely and trade in jewels, which may get a little tricky when buying jewelry. I may need to put even more thought into it. If I gave you diamonds and pearls, would you be a happy boy or a girl?

Namaste, Bitches


guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. Did you hear Prince died?

Monday, April 18, 2016

An Inconvenient Inconvenience

Why is Sarah Palin still a thing? Because I guess we don't have enough morons dominating the news, Palin is currently promoting a film called Climate Hustle. A film I will only see if I decide to write a blog making fun of it. According to the Climate Hustle website, global warming is a con job. The majority of scientists in the world are in cahoots with the green energy people. The green energy people have an evil agenda, and if they succeed it will return us to a time when water was non-flammable. (If you're interested in seeing a movie that completely dismisses science, I'd like to recommend any of the three Sharknado films, currently streaming on Netflix. At least Sharknado acknowledges global warming is real. Plus, flying sharks.)

For some inexplicable reason, Sarah Palin believes Bill Nye The Science Guy is the leader of the green energy conspiracy to return water to its natural flame-resistant state. She has attacked Bill Nye as only she can. To quote Sarah Palin, "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." If I understand her argument correctly, we shouldn't listen to Bill Nye's theories on global warming because he's not a scientist. But we should listen to Sarah Palin's theories on global warming because she's not a scientist. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sarah Palin.

Dear Sarah Palin,

Flammable fucking water. Drill baby drill leads to burn baby burn, you dumb bitch.

Yours Truly,

Donna Troy

If you believe science is a thing, you may wonder why people treat science like some voodoo magic when it comes to global warming and yet, use the advancements of modern science in most aspects of their daily lives without question. And you would be right to wonder that. A 2015 Pew Research report found Americans and the Chinese are the least concerned about global warming. Fact. Scientists have found the two countries responsible for the greatest amount of annual CO2 emissions are America and China. Fact.

These assholes choose to treat global warming as a myth because they don't want to admit they fucked up. Not only did they fuck up, they fucked it up for the whole world. And they have billions of green reasons to deny it.

Non-billionaires also deny global warming. These assholes don't want to separate their trash because it's a pain in the ass. They won't learn how to reset timers, so their sprinklers are watering their lawns while it's raining. They drive from store to store in the same shopping center because walking makes their fingers cramp or something. They drive monster trucks disguised as SUVs that take up too much space in the parking garage, causing me to have to park on the seventh floor because there was no way I could get my car into the only available spot on the second floor without hitting that ridiculous truck, which was parked in front of a sign that clearly reads, "Compact Cars Only." Then I had to take the steps up and down from the seventh floor because the elevator is always getting stuck and homeless people pee in it.

I could cite scientific facts and statistics to try to convince global warming deniers it's real, but that obviously doesn't work. They'll shout, "Shenanigans," and cover their ears, which doesn't make much sense because they're reading this. Instead, I've worked out a peace treaty. By the power vested in me by the Evil Green Energy Agenda and our fearless leader, Bill Nye The Science Guy, I hereby initiate The Peace Treaty Between The Green and The Smoke Screen.

The Peace Treaty Between The Green and The Smoke Screen

We, the Evil Green Energy Agenda people, agree to cease our foolish attempts to make the Smoke Screen idiots recycle if they agree to give up a few of the greatest scientific achievements of all time. We ask the Smoke Screen morons to put their money where their mouth is. If they insist upon calling science bullshit, they must prove they can live without it. In return, we, the Evil Green Energy Agenda people, will no longer bother them. Greenpeace will no longer bother them. Go Green Initiative will no longer bother them. Green Day will stop recording albums. Green Hornet will stop fighting crime.

The Smoke Screen nitwits hereby pledge to relinquish all use of the following scientific breakthroughs:

The Internet - Yes, it's science, and not a magical series of tubes, which allows you to read this blog from nearly anywhere on Earth. You must turn in your Internet once you've completely read this blog and all previous blogs on this site. From this moment forward you agree to shop in actual stores, pay your bills through the mail and call your high school friends in lieu of poking them on the Facebook.

The Automobile - Yes, it's science, and not a greased up wrench-monkey named Cooter, which allows you to travel hundreds of miles in a single day. You now agree to travel by walking or bike-riding. This is a win-win-win situation. Less cars means less pollution. You'll be much healthier. Most importantly, I'll get a better parking spot.

Refrigeration - Yes, it's science, and not the Sears Appliance Center, which keeps your food from spoiling. You must immediately give up all refrigerators and freezers in your home. You may not eat at restaurants which use refrigeration to store their food. You should probably stock up on canned foods. I recommend Campbell's Chunky Soup. It's soup that eats like a meal. It's mmm...mmm... good.

Optical Lenses - Yes, it's science, and not the Walmart Vision Center, which allows you to see clearly even though you have poor vision. You may want to adopt a dog and train it to lead you around in lieu of bumping into shit and accidentally groping strangers.

Antibiotics - Yes, it's science, and not Honey Nut Cheerios, which prevents a bacterial infection from damaging all your internal organs. Full disclosure: you may die from a bacterial infection. You may not. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

If we, the Evil Green Energy Agenda people, receive no response from the Smoke Screen asshats, we'll assume they've accepted this peace treaty and have already given up the Internet.

It's not easy being green.

Namaste, Bitches


guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. I just wanted to say look for Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens premiering July 31.

Friday, April 15, 2016

A Whole Lot of Bitches Talkin' Shit

In a previous blog entitled, "This Is The Song That Never Ends," I proposed a bill to change the presidential nominating process. Once my bill is passed – and Tom Brokaw gets with the program – primaries, caucuses and conventions will be things of the past. CNN and Tom Hanks will make documentaries about them. These documentaries will look interesting and you’ll record them. You’ll watch them and be disappointed.

In the meantime, primary season is coming down to the wire and everyone is trying to win the remaining delegates except for John Kasich. No one is really sure what the hell he's doing. I think his plan is to hang around and hope we'll eventually believe he's the president like some kind of party crasher. Some guy shows up at your party and you think he's your roommate's friend. She thinks he's your friend. You don't figure it out until after the party when you ask your roommate not to invite that weird guy over anymore. His campaign slogan should be "The Weird Guy No One Invited For President." It's way better than his current slogan, "K for Us."

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is pissed because Ted Cruz bothered to learn the primary rules and thereby, managed to pick up delegates in Louisiana and Colorado. Only a cheating liar would prepare for a presidential election. (And fuck you, Donnie, for making me defend that Muppet Asshole, Ted Cruz.)

Lack of preparation runs in the Trump family. Both Eric Trump and Ivanka Trump won't be able to vote for their father in the New York primary because they failed to register as Republicans on time. They were registered as Independents and apparently had no clue New York is a closed primary. They would have known that if they'd ever voted in a primary before, but in their defense they just moved to New York on the day the were born. Ivanka attempted to explain this on CNN by claiming New York has some of the most onerous voting laws in the country. I personally don't see what's so onerous about registering on time, but I'll give Ivanka a break. She has a lot on her mind. She recently had a baby and her father is trying to date her.

Everyone has a problem with election rules during an election. Our election process needs to be reformed, but you can't change the rules in the middle of the game. Before the election would be a good time to work on changing the election laws. For example, before this election, voter ID laws were passed in many states. Not only does this address the problem of voter fraud, which doesn't exist, it allows thousands of Americans to be disenfranchised like the Founding Fathers intended.

Since I've already solved the nomination issue, it's time to take a look at the electoral college. I believe the electoral college must be dissolved. Although, this puts me in a bit of a quandary. I believe we should be choosing our leaders with the popular vote. However, I also believe the Founding Fathers were right not to trust the general public because Donald Trump. We need to stop the stupid from voting. They are fucking up America.

I am proposing we pass a bill to prevent idiots from voting. I'm calling it The Irregardless, Conversate and Nother Aren't Words Voting Rights Act of 2016. All American citizens who wish to vote in the next election must pass a basic test of intelligence.

The Basic Test of Intelligence

Do you use words and phrases such as irregardless, conversate and a whole nother?

If you answered yes, you are banned from voting this election cycle.

If you answered yes and you are a person who complains about immigrants who can't speak English, you are banned from voting for life.

Do you wish to vote in the 2018 presidential election?

If you answered yes, why don't you know 2018 isn't an election year?

If you shrugged, you're banned for life.

If you attempted to make up an answer, I'll give points for trying and you may move on to the next question.

Do you wish to vote in the 2022 presidential election?

If you answered yes, I can't believe you fell for that after I fucking gave you a second chance. You're banned for life.

Do you believe the children are our future?

Do you believe in climate change?

If you answered yes to question 4 and no to question 5, you're an asshole and you're banned for life.

Did you borrow money from me to buy lottery tickets?

If you answered yes, you owe me four dollars. You’re banned until I get my money.

What blockbuster movie starred Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum as alien-fighting pilots?

The answer is Independence Day. Whether you answered right or not, you may move on to the next question.

What national holiday is celebrated on July 4th?

If you answered the 4th of July, what the fuck is wrong with you? I literally just gave you the answer. I’m not going to grant you the right to vote based on your knowledge of Will Smith movies.

The final question is an essay question. What is your favorite Will Smith movie and why?

If you left Question 9 blank, congratulations, you have earned the right to vote.

Namaste, Bitches


guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. I just wanted to say look for Independence Day: Resurgence in theaters June 24.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Broken Heroes on a Last Chance Power Drive

They're here. They're queer. Get over it.

Several states have recently passed Religious Freedom Bills. Ironically, these "Freedom" bills deny the freedoms of gay, lesbian and transgender people. This may seem unfair, but the Bible clearly states, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, unless you disagree with their lifestyle even if it has zero impact unto your life."

Republicans claim to be against government involvement in the lives of individuals. So, why the fuck do they care if gay people get married and who's allowed to sell them cupcakes? In fairness to the Republican homophobes, most of them are from a time when gay people were still in the closet. A time when we told ourselves Bert and Ernie are just roommates who sleep in the same room and take baths together. Eventually, we woke up and realized Bert and Ernie are in love. No harm has come. Children are still learning the alphabet.

Religious Freedom Bills grant companies the right to refuse service to people based on religious opposition. They can even deny employment and housing. I don't claim to be a theological scholar, but I'm almost positive this isn't what Jesus would do.

Super religious cupcake makers, you have always sold cupcakes to gay people. Because they're people and they like cupcakes just as much as heterosexuals. Also, the legal right to marry hasn't prevented them from having wedding ceremonies. They didn't wait until last summer to start living their lives. If you truly believe you'll burn in hell for all eternity for selling cupcakes to gay people, perhaps you may want to reconsider the religion to which you have devoted your life. I've got to tell you this whole cupcake situation sounds more like a Jonestown predicament than an uplifting spiritual experience.

This being America where we all have religious freedom, I've decided to start my own bakery and arbitrarily deny cupcakes to people who don't meet my high moral standards.

Cupcakes for Jesus: We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to the Following:

Divorced People - Divorce is frowned upon more times in the Bible than homosexuality. No divorced people shall indulge in my delicious cupcakes, with whipped icing possibly topped with fresh strawberries.

Ministers - The Bible prohibits working on Sundays. I don't know how you've been getting away with it for so long.

Judges - The Bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." This includes all Circuit Court Judges, Appellate Court Judges, Federal Judges, Supreme Court Justices, Miss America Judges, Harry Connick, Jr., Simon Cowell, Jennifer Lopez, Judge Judy and especially Paula Abdul.

All American Idol winners, American Idol judges not previously listed and American Idol hosts - Not making false idols is like, the second commandment. Seacrest, out.

The kids in the apartment above me - No Biblical reason. They've been annoying me all day, running back and forth and jumping up and down. The last thing they need is sugar.

The people who support these bullshit Religious Freedom Bills - Because such bills are simply mean and unkind. I believe the Bible has a thing or two to say about kindness. Specifically, Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

(In your face, Religious Freedom Riders. It just got deep up in here.)

The Religious Freedom Bills include something even dumber than the cupcake thing - Bathroom Bills. North Carolina has lost businesses, jobs and the musical stylings of Bruce Springsteen because the Governor decided monitoring the pissing habits of his citizens is more important than economic development.

The City of Charlotte passed an ordinance allowing transgender individuals to use the public restroom of the gender to which they identify. The Governor decided to have a literal pissing contest and passed a bill to make Charlotte's ordinance illegal.

Like gay people, transgender people aren't new to society. They didn't start living their lives the moment Bruce became Caitlyn. They've been using public restrooms all this time and no one fucking noticed.

The North Carolina law states people must use the restroom based on the gender of their birth. First of all, no one is going to enforce that law. No police force is going to assign a Special Shitting Unit. Second of all, transgender people aren't the only ones breaking your stupid bathroom rules. Mothers take little boys into the ladies room. Women use the men's room when things are crucial and the line for the ladies room is too long. I've done it and I'll do it again. I'm a pissing rebel.

You don't have to like or understand transgender people, but you have to let them piss in peace. It's a basic human need. As basic as allowing the people of Greensboro to hear "Thunder Road" live. A basic need that has been denied to the good people of Greensboro because the governor decided to be a dick. About pissing. To which Springsteen said, "It's a town full of losers and I'm pulling out of here to win."

Namaste, Bitches

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Cheese Stands Alone

Cheese is made in Wisconsin. The people of Wisconsin are very proud of their cheese. In fact, they are so proud of their cheese they wear it on their heads. Do you know how cheese is made? Neither do I, but I have a vague memory of something I learned in school or I learned from Mister Rogers or my brother told me.

You start with dairy in an okay state. You let it go bad. You let it go bad some more and... cheese. But after a while it goes bad again. In the lifespan of cheese there is only a small window when it's something acceptable. It eventually turns into a green, furry, moldy block that smells like a fart. (It seems more likely this information came from my brother than Mister Rogers.)

Donald Trump is basically cheese. In the eighties, he was a pompous rich guy with some tacky gold buildings. This was his okay state. Not great, but okay as far as pompous rich guys go. Then he cheated on his wife and got into a nine hundred million dollar debt situation. This was his going bad. Then he starred in a reality show, discovered Twitter and dedicated an obscene amount of time attempting to prove his theory that Barack Obama is a pod person or something equally as stupid. This was his going bad some more. Then in the beginning of an already insane primary season where forty-seven people were running for the Republican nomination, Trump announced his candidacy. He was a crazy, pompous, rich celebrity spouting idiotic rhetoric with no basis in reality. It was hilarious. It was cheese.

Like most people, I never believed Trump had a chance. I severely overestimated the intelligence and compassion of a frighteningly large amount of voters. Over the past ten months, Donnie has attacked Mexicans, the disabled, Muslims, POW's, African-Americans, China, Syrian refugees, protestors, journalists, Univision, the stupid people of Iowa and Megyn Kelly to name a few. None of this has mattered to his supporters. This moldy fart became the Republican front-runner.

However, over the past few weeks it seems Trump's hateful bullshit has finally caught up with him. The people of Wisconsin aren't digging his attacks on women, his idiotic remarks about nuclear weapons and his defense for the campaign manager who manhandled a reporter. I fucking love Wisconsin right now. Guess what, asshole? You're a loser.

It's not over. We still have three long months to go before the convention. Obviously, a lot of people have voted for and are still supporting Donald Trump. But who are these poorly educated people who didn't realize Trump was insulting them because they are so poorly educated? I only know one person who openly admits to being a Trump supporter. The person is a slovenly redneck who breathes heavy. It sounds like a stereotype, but it's true. Support for Trump is like herpes. We know a lot of people have it, but very few admit it.

To get an idea of the type of people who are voting for Trump, I'm taking a look at the D-List celebrities who have endorsed him. Perhaps, this will give us some insight into what is causing this epidemic of ignorance.

Scott Baio

Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. You're ruining my childhood, you jackass. Baio said he likes Trump because, "he talks like me." No one wants a fucking President who talks like Chachi. And if we did want a President who talks like a sitcom character we would obviously choose Fonzie. "My fellow Americans, aaayyy...." Everyone knows Fonzie is the coolest.

Other than he's Chachi, the only thing I know about Baio is he's a womanizer who banged his way through the cast of Baywatch, Hasselhoff included. (I could be wrong about the Hasselhoff thing, but I don't care.)

Dennis Rodman

Cross-dressing friend of Kim Jong-un.

One of the Duck Dynasty Guys

Crusty redneck capable of killing ducks, yet hasn't mastered a razor.

Kid Rock

He's an alcoholic who got into a fight in a Waffle House. Every drunk in the South knows you go to Waffle House to eat greasy food and sober up. Waffle House is a place of peace and cheese grits, dammit. I hate him for supporting Trump. I hate him for besmirching the good name of Waffle House. However, Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie, are still the coolest song lyrics ever.

Mike Tyson

A cannibal, woman-beating rapist.

Gary Busey

Brain damage.

Ted Nugent

Gun toting, one-hit wonder who adopted a teenage girl so he could screw her. If any scientific researchers are reading this, please work on a cure for Cat Scratch Fever. No one should have been infected with this disease for more than fifteen minutes back in 1977.

After all this extensive research I've come to the conclusion that the average Trump supporter is a brain-damaged, cross-dressing, alcoholic, redneck, rapey, pedophiliac womanizer who has a taste for human flesh and hangs out with terrorist dictators.

That's some funky bad cheese.

Namaste, Bitches


guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. So, I've heard that The Nuge can really cut the cheese. Not only that, but he said he shit his pants to avoid the draft. I guess he's only a bad-ass rifleman when nothing is shooting back at him. *mic drop*

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Kryptonite For The Soul

Review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

***Spoiler Alert – I Give Away Everything***


I hate it when people type in all caps and use exclamation points. I hate it even more when they use multiple exclamation points. Not because it looks like they're shouting. Because it looks like they're stupid. If you need seven exclamation points to make a point, then your words aren't clear and you're an idiot.

That being said, please indulge me...


Thank you. I've been holding that in all day.

Before I review the movie, I need to bitch about few things that annoyed me during the moving-going experience.

Movie theaters should not be allowed to post movie times when the movie doesn't actually start at those times. If the movie is slated to begin at one o'clock, why am I watching commercials and previews at one o'clock? Why does this go on for a half hour? You're holding people against their will. That's right, Carmike Cinemas, you're basically kidnappers. I know I was free to leave, but I wasn't because WONDER WOMAN!!!

You don't need to show commercials for Carmike Cinemas in Carmike Cinemas. We're already patrons of your establishment. What more do you want from us? All the commercials in the world won't increase your business. People choose movie theaters based on convenience of show times and location. Nothing else.

Commercials for Coke products are also completely unnecessary. You only sell Coke products in your establishment. You don't give me the option of buying a Pepsi. You can lay off the hard sale for Coke.

After the never-ending advertisements for things I'd already purchased, I had to sit through seven previews. Seven. I counted. I wouldn't mind so much if previews were shorter, but they're like minisodes of the movies. People who showed up to see Batman v Superman the minute it opened don't need long trailers for Captain America. Just tell us when it opens. We'll be there.

If you were annoyed to have read all that before getting to the actual review of the movie, then you know how I feel.

Actual Review of the Movie


The climax of Man of Steel has Superman fighting and eventually killing Zod in Metropolis. They seriously busted the shit out of Metropolis. It was ridiculous. To my satisfaction, the devastation brought on by that battle is confronted in Batman v Superman. Batman is distrustful of Superman because people were killed, crippled and orphaned in all that destruction. I truly hated that Superman fought Zod in Metropolis. (In Superman II, Superman tricks Zod into following him to the Fortress of Solitude, so no one gets hurt.)

Some other shit goes down while Superman is saving Lois. More people are hurt. Batman and some senators are leery of Superman's powers. Superman has to appear before Congress. The Capital building is blown up. I'm not sure, but I think Soledad O'Brien was killed in the explosion.

All the while Lex Luthor is getting his hands on Kryptonite, Superman's spaceship, and the remains of General Zod.

Diana Prince shows up here and there, but isn't given a lot of screen time.

Batman loses his batshit and despite Alfred's warnings decides to take out Superman. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor kidnaps Martha Kent and tells Superman he has to kill Batman or she dies.

Batman and Superman duke it out. Superman is winning until Batman pulls out Kryptonite weapons. He almost kills him when Lois shows up. Batman learns Lex has been setting them up to battle all along and agrees to help Superman save Martha.

Batman saves Martha. Superman goes to take down Lex. It turns out Lex has created Doomsday. Superman battles Doomsday. Superman lures him into space having learned his lesson about hurting innocent bystanders. The President and nuclear weapons unintentionally slow down Superman and make Doomsday stronger. Doomsday's back on Earth. Batman thinks it's a good idea to lure Doomsday back to the city so he can get his Kryptonite spear. Apparently, Batman doesn't possess the self-awareness to realize he almost killed Superman for making a similar reckless decision. Wonder Woman shows up, calls out Batman for being an idiot, and kicks ass. (Finally. It's only been thirty-seven years since we've had a live-action Wonder Woman.) Superman gets a hold of Batman's Kryptonite spear and kills Doomsday whilst sacrificing himself. Superman's dead. The end.

This movie had everything. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Lex Luthor, Doomsday and Anderson Cooper. Seriously, Anderson Cooper. I love this movie for giving me a reason to put Anderson Cooper and Lex Luthor in the same sentence.

Bones to Pick

The creation of Doomsday and the ensuing battle happened in the last thirty minutes of the movie. It seemed rushed. It was like this whole movie was about Lex Luthor setting up the battle between Superman and Batman, then someone remembered they have to set up the Justice League for the upcoming movies. Better throw in a supervillain.

The killing of Superman was a given the moment Doomsday appeared. All Superman fans know Doomsday kills Superman. It's part of the mythology. For the casual Superman fan, don't worry. Superman will be back.

Cast and Characters

I am among those who were appalled at the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman. I don't know why I don't like Ben Affleck. I used to like him. I think I got sick of hearing about him way back when all that Bennifer shit happened. Anyway, I begrudgingly admit he was a pretty good Batman.

I appreciate they didn't make us go through the whole origin story again. It's kind of glossed over during the opening credits. Parents are murdered. Bruce Wayne is mopey for the rest of his life, despite the fact that he is left wealthy and doesn't have to go through foster care like other orphans. He has Alfred who helps him make gadgets and fight crime. Batman is cool and kind of a dick. Maybe Ben Affleck was genius casting after all.

Jesse Eisenberg was good at being quirky and creepy. He just wasn't Lex Luthor. He seems more like a college student who gets high and hacks computer accounts than a menacing supervillain. It's like he's capable of committing a federal crime, but not a scary one.

Meanwhile at The Daily Planet...

I love Amy Adams as Lois Lane. She is especially refreshing after that boring what's-her-name did such a horrible job in Superman Returns.

Laurence Fishburne is the curmudgeonly Perry White and delivers the few laughs this movie provides. I am so grateful for this I've officially forgiven him for beating up Tina Turner. I have no idea what the real Ike Turner looks like, so I've been holding a grudge against Laurence Fishburne.

I'm completely perplexed as to why they changed Jimmy Olsen to Jenny Olsen. The lovable goofball qualities of Jimmy Olsen disappeared with the decision to make him a her. Changing the gender has made the character so unrecognizable I'll bet you didn't even know Jenny is Jimmy. You probably thought she was Perry White's secretary.

I'm open to making changes to Superman. I'm thrilled this franchise got rid of the red underwear over the tights. I'm glad Lois knows he's Clark from the get-go. A lot of things about Superman are corny, but the character has been around for seventy-eight years. He's lasted for a reason. People like him. It's all good to make him edgier, but does have to be brooding all the time? I hate to sound like a Hillary Clinton critic, but can Superman fucking crack a smile once in awhile? We already have to watch Batman be moody as hell through this whole thing.

Superhero movies are supposed to be fun. You can have angst and drama and throw in some laughs, too. I don't know why DC movies can't get the hang of it. Marvel movies have drama, action and jokes.

Henry Cavill is a really good Superman and he's hot as hell. This movie treated us to a scene with a shirtless Henry Cavill, which almost made up for giving him no charm. Almost. Superman should be charming. He also shouldn't kill people, and I know I'm going back to the previous movie, but I'll never let that go. It's wrong.

And finally, the reason I couldn't miss this movie... WONDER WOMAN!!!! WONDER FUCKING WOMAN!!!!

Why has it taken so long to get Wonder Woman on the big screen? Only two actresses have played Wonder Woman prior to Gal Gadot in this film. Not since the Lynda Carter series was canceled in 1979 has there been a Wonder Woman. (I'm not counting TV pilots that weren't picked up.) Seriously. What's been the hold up? In nearly forty years, there have been more Batmans than US Presidents. Antman got a movie before Wonder Woman for fuck's sake. Antman may be a worse superhero than Aquaman. (I honestly don't know which is the more useless superpower; the ability to turn into an ant or fighting crime underwater.)

It's not like people didn't want Wonder Woman. When Wonder Woman finally showed up to battle Doomsday everyone in the theater around me cheered. I almost jumped out of my seat and spilled my popcorn. Because we've been waiting for a new Wonder Woman since 1979. That's some bullshit.

Gal Gadot kicked ass, looked the part, got to use the Golden Lasso and had a way cooler outfit. I love Lynda Carter, but I'm relieved they did away with the Star Spangled granny panties.

My only complaint is Wonder Woman didn't have enough screen time. I can't complain too much since Wonder Woman has had zero screen time in the last thirty-seven years. She is supposed to be getting her own movie in summer 2017. I don't want to get my hopes up too high as my dreams have been brutally crushed before.

To Sum Up

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is a great movie because WONDER FUCKING WOMAN!!!!

Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Roe Betrayed

Roe v. Wade is a landmark Supreme Court decision giving women the freedom to make choices regarding their reproductive health with privacy and safety. This was a monumental victory for women's rights and people have been trying to overturn it for forty-three years.

Surprisingly, the people who have benefited the most from Roe v. Wade aren't women. They are politicians with the moral high ground of Charlie Sheen who need some "evil" to fight in order to convince voters they're good people.

Enter Donald Trump.

Trump's stance on abortion has changed over time. In 1989, Trump was to host a pro-choice fundraiser at one of his hotels. He failed to make this event because he received death threats from pro-life activists. (Death threats from pro-life activists. Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?) Trump's pro-choice stance started wavering from then on out. Trump became pro-life. By pro-life, he means his life. He doesn't give a shit about women or babies or anyone not named Donald J. Trump.

As we all know, Donald respects women more than anyone. We know this because he said so. At a recent town hall with Chris Hardball, Trump stated he would ban abortion. Women who seek abortions will be criminals under a Trump presidency and shall be burned at the stake like witches. Because women who believe they can think for themselves and make their own choices are obviously witches.

Oddly enough, Trump inadvertently made the best argument for abortion in this interview. During an exchange on nuclear weapons, Trump said he wouldn't rule out using nuclear weapons on Europe. Europe. I have no idea why he wants to go to war with Europe nor do I know why he wants to go all nuclear on their ass.

If any Trump supporters are reading this, allow me to explain some things you may not understand. Europe is a continent not a country. It's a huge land mass made up of many countries, most of which are our allies. It isn't located in the Middle East. It isn't located in Mexico. Europe didn't attack us on 9/11. Europe isn't trying to take away your guns or force you to get health insurance like that evil Obama. Nuclear war is very bad. Nuclear war with our allies is batshit. Your guns won't protect you against nuclear weapons. It doesn't matter how good of a shot you are.

If abortion had been legal in 1946, I'm sure Mary Anne Trump would have terminated that whole "Rosemary's Baby" situation going on in her womb. Our nation wouldn't be collectively waking up in cold sweats due to the night terrors brought on by the impending nuclear winter.

Threatening nuclear war is an awesome way to prove you're pro-life. Other awesome ways Trump has demonstrated how pro-life he is, are:

Stating he could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue and still get votes.
Threatening to bomb the shit out of Syria and Iraq.
Threatening to take out the families of terrorists.
Threatening riots if he's not the Republican nominee.
Threatening to rough up protestors and saying they should be carried out on stretchers.
Acknowledging desperate women will resort to back alley abortions once he's made it a crime, yet refusing to reconsider his position despite the dangerous and potentially fatal health risks this will create.

Abortion has always been legal in my lifetime. Everything I know about illegal abortions I learned from the movie Dirty Dancing.

Penny gets knocked up by Robbie the asshole waiter. Robbie won't admit it's his because he's an asshole. It's the sixties, so DNA testing and child support aren't options. Penny's a dancer, so she can't work if she's pregnant. And she can't support the child if she can't work. Baby borrows $250 from Jerry Orbach to pay for Penny's abortion. Baby and Swayze go dancing while some traveling "doctor" tends to Penny. Baby and Swayze return to find Penny bleeding and near death. Baby wakes up Jerry Orbach who saves Penny and blames Swayze for knocking her up. Eventually, Jerry Orbach learns about Robbie the asshole waiter, and everyone has the time of their lives.

If Trump becomes President and bans abortion, the Pennys of today will die because Jerry Orbach is dead and can't save them.

Shut your Trumphole, Donnie. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Namaste, Bitches


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