Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Kryptonite For The Soul

Review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

***Spoiler Alert – I Give Away Everything***


I hate it when people type in all caps and use exclamation points. I hate it even more when they use multiple exclamation points. Not because it looks like they're shouting. Because it looks like they're stupid. If you need seven exclamation points to make a point, then your words aren't clear and you're an idiot.

That being said, please indulge me...


Thank you. I've been holding that in all day.

Before I review the movie, I need to bitch about few things that annoyed me during the moving-going experience.

Movie theaters should not be allowed to post movie times when the movie doesn't actually start at those times. If the movie is slated to begin at one o'clock, why am I watching commercials and previews at one o'clock? Why does this go on for a half hour? You're holding people against their will. That's right, Carmike Cinemas, you're basically kidnappers. I know I was free to leave, but I wasn't because WONDER WOMAN!!!

You don't need to show commercials for Carmike Cinemas in Carmike Cinemas. We're already patrons of your establishment. What more do you want from us? All the commercials in the world won't increase your business. People choose movie theaters based on convenience of show times and location. Nothing else.

Commercials for Coke products are also completely unnecessary. You only sell Coke products in your establishment. You don't give me the option of buying a Pepsi. You can lay off the hard sale for Coke.

After the never-ending advertisements for things I'd already purchased, I had to sit through seven previews. Seven. I counted. I wouldn't mind so much if previews were shorter, but they're like minisodes of the movies. People who showed up to see Batman v Superman the minute it opened don't need long trailers for Captain America. Just tell us when it opens. We'll be there.

If you were annoyed to have read all that before getting to the actual review of the movie, then you know how I feel.

Actual Review of the Movie


The climax of Man of Steel has Superman fighting and eventually killing Zod in Metropolis. They seriously busted the shit out of Metropolis. It was ridiculous. To my satisfaction, the devastation brought on by that battle is confronted in Batman v Superman. Batman is distrustful of Superman because people were killed, crippled and orphaned in all that destruction. I truly hated that Superman fought Zod in Metropolis. (In Superman II, Superman tricks Zod into following him to the Fortress of Solitude, so no one gets hurt.)

Some other shit goes down while Superman is saving Lois. More people are hurt. Batman and some senators are leery of Superman's powers. Superman has to appear before Congress. The Capital building is blown up. I'm not sure, but I think Soledad O'Brien was killed in the explosion.

All the while Lex Luthor is getting his hands on Kryptonite, Superman's spaceship, and the remains of General Zod.

Diana Prince shows up here and there, but isn't given a lot of screen time.

Batman loses his batshit and despite Alfred's warnings decides to take out Superman. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor kidnaps Martha Kent and tells Superman he has to kill Batman or she dies.

Batman and Superman duke it out. Superman is winning until Batman pulls out Kryptonite weapons. He almost kills him when Lois shows up. Batman learns Lex has been setting them up to battle all along and agrees to help Superman save Martha.

Batman saves Martha. Superman goes to take down Lex. It turns out Lex has created Doomsday. Superman battles Doomsday. Superman lures him into space having learned his lesson about hurting innocent bystanders. The President and nuclear weapons unintentionally slow down Superman and make Doomsday stronger. Doomsday's back on Earth. Batman thinks it's a good idea to lure Doomsday back to the city so he can get his Kryptonite spear. Apparently, Batman doesn't possess the self-awareness to realize he almost killed Superman for making a similar reckless decision. Wonder Woman shows up, calls out Batman for being an idiot, and kicks ass. (Finally. It's only been thirty-seven years since we've had a live-action Wonder Woman.) Superman gets a hold of Batman's Kryptonite spear and kills Doomsday whilst sacrificing himself. Superman's dead. The end.

This movie had everything. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Lex Luthor, Doomsday and Anderson Cooper. Seriously, Anderson Cooper. I love this movie for giving me a reason to put Anderson Cooper and Lex Luthor in the same sentence.

Bones to Pick

The creation of Doomsday and the ensuing battle happened in the last thirty minutes of the movie. It seemed rushed. It was like this whole movie was about Lex Luthor setting up the battle between Superman and Batman, then someone remembered they have to set up the Justice League for the upcoming movies. Better throw in a supervillain.

The killing of Superman was a given the moment Doomsday appeared. All Superman fans know Doomsday kills Superman. It's part of the mythology. For the casual Superman fan, don't worry. Superman will be back.

Cast and Characters

I am among those who were appalled at the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman. I don't know why I don't like Ben Affleck. I used to like him. I think I got sick of hearing about him way back when all that Bennifer shit happened. Anyway, I begrudgingly admit he was a pretty good Batman.

I appreciate they didn't make us go through the whole origin story again. It's kind of glossed over during the opening credits. Parents are murdered. Bruce Wayne is mopey for the rest of his life, despite the fact that he is left wealthy and doesn't have to go through foster care like other orphans. He has Alfred who helps him make gadgets and fight crime. Batman is cool and kind of a dick. Maybe Ben Affleck was genius casting after all.

Jesse Eisenberg was good at being quirky and creepy. He just wasn't Lex Luthor. He seems more like a college student who gets high and hacks computer accounts than a menacing supervillain. It's like he's capable of committing a federal crime, but not a scary one.

Meanwhile at The Daily Planet...

I love Amy Adams as Lois Lane. She is especially refreshing after that boring what's-her-name did such a horrible job in Superman Returns.

Laurence Fishburne is the curmudgeonly Perry White and delivers the few laughs this movie provides. I am so grateful for this I've officially forgiven him for beating up Tina Turner. I have no idea what the real Ike Turner looks like, so I've been holding a grudge against Laurence Fishburne.

I'm completely perplexed as to why they changed Jimmy Olsen to Jenny Olsen. The lovable goofball qualities of Jimmy Olsen disappeared with the decision to make him a her. Changing the gender has made the character so unrecognizable I'll bet you didn't even know Jenny is Jimmy. You probably thought she was Perry White's secretary.

I'm open to making changes to Superman. I'm thrilled this franchise got rid of the red underwear over the tights. I'm glad Lois knows he's Clark from the get-go. A lot of things about Superman are corny, but the character has been around for seventy-eight years. He's lasted for a reason. People like him. It's all good to make him edgier, but does have to be brooding all the time? I hate to sound like a Hillary Clinton critic, but can Superman fucking crack a smile once in awhile? We already have to watch Batman be moody as hell through this whole thing.

Superhero movies are supposed to be fun. You can have angst and drama and throw in some laughs, too. I don't know why DC movies can't get the hang of it. Marvel movies have drama, action and jokes.

Henry Cavill is a really good Superman and he's hot as hell. This movie treated us to a scene with a shirtless Henry Cavill, which almost made up for giving him no charm. Almost. Superman should be charming. He also shouldn't kill people, and I know I'm going back to the previous movie, but I'll never let that go. It's wrong.

And finally, the reason I couldn't miss this movie... WONDER WOMAN!!!! WONDER FUCKING WOMAN!!!!

Why has it taken so long to get Wonder Woman on the big screen? Only two actresses have played Wonder Woman prior to Gal Gadot in this film. Not since the Lynda Carter series was canceled in 1979 has there been a Wonder Woman. (I'm not counting TV pilots that weren't picked up.) Seriously. What's been the hold up? In nearly forty years, there have been more Batmans than US Presidents. Antman got a movie before Wonder Woman for fuck's sake. Antman may be a worse superhero than Aquaman. (I honestly don't know which is the more useless superpower; the ability to turn into an ant or fighting crime underwater.)

It's not like people didn't want Wonder Woman. When Wonder Woman finally showed up to battle Doomsday everyone in the theater around me cheered. I almost jumped out of my seat and spilled my popcorn. Because we've been waiting for a new Wonder Woman since 1979. That's some bullshit.

Gal Gadot kicked ass, looked the part, got to use the Golden Lasso and had a way cooler outfit. I love Lynda Carter, but I'm relieved they did away with the Star Spangled granny panties.

My only complaint is Wonder Woman didn't have enough screen time. I can't complain too much since Wonder Woman has had zero screen time in the last thirty-seven years. She is supposed to be getting her own movie in summer 2017. I don't want to get my hopes up too high as my dreams have been brutally crushed before.

To Sum Up

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is a great movie because WONDER FUCKING WOMAN!!!!

Namaste, Bitches


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