To Catch a Predator

Two years ago I wrote a blog about the Me Too movement entitled, “Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit.” The morning after I posted that blog my phone alerted me to the breaking news that NBC had fired Matt Lauer. And I thought to myself, “Son of a bitch. So many perverts deserving of my wrath. So little time.”

I’ve been itching to unleash my wrath upon Matt Lauer ever since. Actually, I’ve been itching to unleash my wrath upon Matt Lauer ever since the whole Ann Curry thing, but I didn’t have a blog then. Fortunately, Ronan Farrow has written a book, “Catch and Kill,” about his investigation of the Harvey Weinstein story for NBC News. If you haven’t read the book, you may be wondering what Harvey Weinstein has to do with Matt Lauer. I shall tell you. NBC executives sat on several sexual harassment stories because of the Matt Lauer of it all.

In 2016, the Washington Post broke the story of the now infamous Access Hollywood Grab ‘Em By The Pussy Tape. In 2005, Donald Trump was the host of The Apprentice, an NBC show. He was making a cameo on Days of Our Lives, an NBC show. Billy Bush was filming some backstage shit for Access Hollywood, an NBC show. This is when the “grab ‘em by the pussy” audio was captured. In 2016, Trump was a candidate for president and Billy Bush was hosting the third hour of the Today show, an NBC show.

If it seems like NBC News was in a better position to break this story than The Washington Post, it’s because it was. NBC reporters had the tape for weeks, but were not allowed to report it. NBC executives were all like, “We must protect Billy Bush. He hosts the third hour of the Today show.” And the reporters were all like, “No one knows there is a third hour of the Today show. Besides, Billy Bush is just a white Mario Lopez. Mario Lopez is a completely unnecessary person. A white Mario Lopez is certainly expendable.” And the executives were all like, “Wasn’t Mario Lopez accused of date rape twenty years ago? You can report on that if you want. Wait. No. We might need Mario Lopez to replace Billy Bush if things don’t go our way.”

A month later, The Washington Post, feeling no obligation to protect Billy Bush, released the tape. The NBC executives then said, “Well, we’ve protected Billy Bush long enough. Time to fire his ass.”

Clearly, NBC wasn’t all that invested in Billy Bush. They had a much more popular Today host/sexual predator to protect. And for that reason, they were skittish about setting a precedent of holding Today hosts accountable for creepy pervert behavior.

While all this Billy Bush bullshit was going on, Ronan Farrow, then an investigative reporter for NBC News, was working on a story exposing movie producer and mega-predator, Harvey Weinstein. NBC executives, feeling no obligation to protect someone who has never hosted the Today show, gave Farrow the green light to go forth and research the story.

Ronan spoke to several women willing to go on record about Weinstein’s abuse. He even uncovered a recording of Weinstein admitting to sexually assaulting a woman. Rose McGowan claimed Weinstein raped her when she was working on a movie he produced. McGowan then told her co-star, Ben Affleck. To which Affleck replied, “God damn it. I told him to stop doing that.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Ben Affleck.

Dear Ben Affleck,

Really? You told a rapist to stop and that didn’t work? You see, Ben, rapists rarely respond to the word, stop. That’s rather common behavior among rapists. Telling a rapist to stop raping doesn’t make you a good person. In fact, you clearly knew he was a rapist and continued working with him. That makes you a pervert enabler.

By the way, you were the worst Batman ever. Val Kilmer was a better Batman than you. And everyone reading this had completely forgotten Val Kilmer played Batman before reading the previous sentence.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

So Ronan Farrow returns to NBC with a list of victims, witnesses, documents and recordings all corroborating the whole Harvey Weinstein is a rapist thing. The NBC executives said, “Let’s pump the brakes on this right now. We need to have the legal department go through everything.” That seemed reasonable enough to Farrow. He took all the Weinstein shit to legal. They went through it and said, “Yep. All clear. Go forth and report.”

Farrow returned to the NBC executives with the all clear from legal. And the executives were all like, “Yeah… so we’re concerned people may think you have an ax to grind because of the Woody Allen of it all.” And Ronan was all like, “This is bullshit. The Woody Allen of it all has been public knowledge for twenty years. You knew about the Woody Allen of it all when you put me on the story.”

Ronan didn’t know at the time that NBC was using the Woody Allen of it all as a poor excuse to kill the story. Harvey Weinstein had hired numerous pervert enablers to trash his accusers and the reporters interviewing said accusers. The pervert enablers had threatened to expose the Matt Lauer of it all if NBC reported the Weinstein story.

(If you are unfamiliar with the Woody Allen of it all, please refer to Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit.)

While Ronan Farrow was getting the run around from NBC, NBC was engaged in some fucked up Pervert versus Pervert fight with the National Enquirer. Weinstein, like many a rapist before him, (Trump), had formed a special friendship with David Pecker, the CEO of AMI, which is the parent company of the National Enquirer and other such trash. The Pecker did all kinds of shit to protect his rapist friends, such as holding on to dirt for a rainy day. Dirt such as Matt Lauer’s proclivity toward rape. Thus, it came to pass that the National Enquirer was able to dictate what NBC News could report.

I would now like to take a moment to address the pervert enablers of both Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer. The amount of time and money that went into shielding both these rapists is just plain stupid. In addition to the millions of dollars in shut up money, the attorney fees, the creation of non-disclosure agreements and the attempts at shaming victims, NBC has hired people to constantly edit Wikipedia to remove any mention of Matt Lauer as a rapist. And Weinstein hired some Israeli spy agency to discredit victims and reporters on his behalf. True Story. Surely one of the pervert enablers must have thought to himself, “Working with Israeli spies seems a bit much. Perhaps, all the effort put into protecting this one movie producer isn’t really worth it.”

For that matter, why the fuck was NBC so worried about losing Matt Lauer? The Today show has been on the air since 1952. 

It survived for forty-five years before Matt Lauer came along and perved it up. Matt Lauer is not essential to the success of the Today show. Hell, they had a chimp co-host the show for four years. Fact.

Back to Ronan Farrow. Unable to report at NBC News, he took the Weinstein story to The New Yorker where the story was published. All the time, money, effort and Israeli spies in the world were unable to protect Harvey Weinstein. He is currently under house arrest while awaiting trial for rape. I don’t know if Israeli spies have any kind of refund policy, but Harvey should look into it.

The New Yorker story put NBC into a bit of a pickle. They now had no choice but to report the story. And most importantly, they had to come up with a believable reason as to why an NBC reporter did not report this story on NBC. They were unable to do so.

Matt Lauer was always a bit of prick on air. In the two weeks prior to his firing, he went into super prick mode. It was quite obvious Matt Lauer knew his number was up and he was sulky about it like many a rapist before him (Brett Kavanaugh). He interviewed Corey Feldman, who had been molested as a child. Matt was all like, “Look, Corey Feldman. No one cares if you were diddled as a child. Shut up and take it, slut.” He was so nasty that people who don’t even like Corey Feldman were overcome with the need to take to Twitter and defend Corey Feldman. Because picking on someone for being sexually assaulted as a child is just cold. And if you must pick on Corey Feldman, his bizarre singing and dancing provides ample material to do so. 

NBC fucked their credibility with the Access Hollywood tape. They fucked their credibility with the Harvey Weinstein story. Their own reporters were attacking NBC. Both Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow defended Ronan Farrow’s reporting and trashed their employer, NBC News, live on MSNBC. NBC executives finally realized all the effort put into protecting this one Today host wasn’t really worth it. Thus, it came to pass that NBC fired Matt Lauer for being an anal rapist. 

However, NBC missed a major opportunity to salvage their waning credibility. While conducting exhaustive research for this blog, I discovered the chimp who hosted the Today show in the Fifties may still be alive. Had NBC replaced Matt Lauer with a chimp that would have sent a very strong message that NBC does not support anal rapists.

Although, NBC had been a pervert enabler to an anal rapist for years. The chimp probably wouldn’t help their reputation. I’m pushing for the resurrection of the chimp’s career for my own amusement. If you’d like to help in my campaign to have a chimp host Today, you can contact them by email at NBCNewsMediaRelations@nbcuni.com or call 212-413-6142.

Despite paying out millions of dollars in shut up money to Matt Lauer’s victims, NBC still claims they only received one credible complaint of inappropriate sexual conduct in the many years they employed Matt Lauer to do a job previously performed by a chimp. They also pushed Lauer’s victims to sign non-disclosure agreements. 

While I’m on the subject, non-disclosure agreements seem to be a major flaw in our justice system. It’s a legal way to prevent someone from reporting a violent crime. And that seems like it should be illegal somehow. And why do they only apply to rape? I’m eighty-seven percent certain my neighbor will eventually murder her boyfriend. I know this because she’s a violent alcoholic and I’ve been Rear Window-ing her for months. When I finally witness the murder of Michael, she could ask me to sign a non-disclosure agreement, but I don’t think it would hold up in court.

The credible complaint that cost Matt Lauer the job a chimp can do, came from a woman who claimed Lauer anally raped her when they were on assignment for the winter Olympics. NBC maintains it was a consensual affair, but it violated Lauer’s terms of employment. The victim states she told him to stop repeatedly, but to the surprise of no one, except Ben Affleck, telling a rapist to stop didn’t work.

It’s important to note the reporters at NBC, with the obvious exception of Matt Lauer, seem to be innocent in all the nefarious goings on at the network. It’s the executives at NBC Universal who should be replaced by chimps. I say this to explain why I’m about to give Lester Holt the benefit of the doubt.

Upon the termination of Matt Lauer, Lester questioned if the punishment fit the crime. Lester may not have been aware of the rape allegations and simply believed Lauer was involved in a consensual affair. Nevertheless, I shall answer Lester’s question.

No, Lester Holt. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Matt Lauer should be in prison taking it up the ass against his will.

Namaste, Bitches

When The Whistle Blows

Remember when those Twilight books came out and adult women started treating them like recommendations from Oprah’s fucking book club, instead of the trashy teen novels they are. I had a co-worker who hated to read, but liked vampires so she decided to try reading one. She came to work one morning all excited to tell me she read fifty pages the night before. And I had to be a bitch about it. Well, I guess I didn’t have to, but I am what I am. I said, “I’d be very proud of you if you were nine. But you’re in your thirties. Reading fifty pages of anything shouldn’t be a challenge. I’m afraid it’s not the life defining achievement you think it is.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to people who claimed to be “too busy” to read The Mueller Report.

Dear Damn Bunch Of Liars,

You know who you are. You didn’t have time to read The Mueller Report, but you read every one of those stupid Twilight books.

Fuck you. Fuck Edward. Fuck Jacob. Fuck Bella. Fuck sparkling vampires.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

This brings me to The Whistleblower Complaint. In the few days since it’s release support for a Trump impeachment inquiry has blown up. It pleases me to know Americans found the time to read all nine pages. Because Trump’s own attorney couldn’t be bothered to read it. When asked about it by The Fox and Friends, Giuliani replied, “Let’s say it was read to me.” What the fuck does that even mean?

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Donald Trump.

Dear Former President Trump,

I don’t really want to give you advice because, you know, fuck you. But you should consider investing in a defense attorney who is familiar with the phrase, “no comment.”

Best of Luck,

Donna Troy

 

For those who may have gotten behind with the breakneck speed of news last week, I’m about to break it down. Check it.

A little over a week ago, congress became aware of a Whistleblower Complaint alleging the president threatened to withhold aid from Ukraine unless they dig up some dirt on Joe Biden.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went to the Acting Director of National Intelligence, Joe Maguire and said, “Dude, where the fuck is this Whistleblower Complaint?”

And Joe was all like, “Don’t worry about it. It’s all good, Nancy. I got the complaint and I took it up to the White House to get advice on how to proceed. Attorney General Bill Barr said it’s covered under executive privilege. Then I checked with Rudy Giuliani and he concurred with Bill Barr. Then I checked with the president and he said he doesn’t remember hiring me. Therefore, I can’t give you the Whistleblower Complaint due to executive privilege.”

Then Nancy’s eye started to twitch and she said, “So you showed the Whistleblower Complaint to the three people for whom the whistle blows. Got it.”

Nancy called a press conference where she proclaimed, “We’re about to impeach this motherfucker.”

This prompted Mitch McConnell to request a meeting with Trump. Mitch was all like, “Mr. President, I’m so sorry to have to do this, but I must ask you to release some sort of transcript of the call with the Ukrainian president. It doesn’t need to be the full transcript. Just release the good parts so the American people will believe you did nothing wrong. I tried to get the senate under control, but there appears to be some sort of limit to my evil powers. Believe me, Mr. President, I’m just as surprised as you are.”

And Trump was all like, “Mitch, it’s fine. Don’t even worry about it. I mean, I don’t really expect that much from you if I’m being honest. You’ve been in politics for what? You’re whole life almost and you’re still stuck in the senate, where you really don’t have all that much power. And look at me, I got on my escalator one day and I thought to myself, I thought, you know Obama doesn’t have an ounce of my class or my very good brains and he got to be a black president. And a black president isn’t as good as a white president because he’s always got this blackness hanging over him, you know. So I said, if Obama can do it, Trump can do it. And I did it. I won the largest electoral landslide in history. Did you know that, Mitch?”

“Uh, no, I didn’t know that, Mr. President. Getting back to the call with President Zelensky-”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll take care of it. I’ll get with Rudy and we’ll put something together. I’ll call it a phony collusion witch hunt. People love that. This whole thing will blow over just like the Mueller thing. Even I thought I was fucked with that one. But the American people didn’t read the report. It’s like they love me so much, they didn’t want to read the report.”

The next day Trump released an edited memo detailing his call with President Zelensky. He stated the call was beautiful and perfect. Though, I’ve never heard a phone call described in such a manner before, I’m inclined to agree.

It went something like this:

Trump: Hello, President Ukraine. I want to congratulate you on winning the election. I hear it was historic. We have that in common, you know. I won one of the most historic elections ever. It’s like nothing no one has seen before.

Zelensky: Thank you, Mr. Trump. The election was actually three months ago. You called to congratulate me then. Perhaps, you don’t remember. Also, my name is Volodymyr Zelensky. Ukraine is the name of our country. But I’m sure you knew that.

Trump: Who cares? You’re the president of Ukraine so I happen to think President Ukraine is a very appropriate thing to call you. I’m a very busy guy, you know. We have business to discuss. I didn’t call to argue over what you think your name is. This is a long distance call, by the way. The United States is picking up the tab for this call.

Zelensky: Of course, Mr. Trump. Ukraine very much wants to have good relations with United States. As I’m sure you know, two decades ago our nation agreed to give up nuclear weapons at the urging of the U.S. In exchange, the U.S. promised to give us security assistance. Russia has taken part of our land and slaughtered our people. Please to help us.

Trump: I need a favor from you, though. We’ve been very good to you. Very, very good to you. And it hasn’t exactly been reciprocal. Reciprocal is considered a big word in English. I don’t know if you knew that. I’m like a smart guy. I know words. I have, like, a very good brain. Reciprocal means you need to investigate Joe Biden and his son. I heard they did some things that were maybe a bit corrupt with your former prosecutor. I’m hearing from many different people that Biden was, like, bragging about this. That’s what people are telling me. And it’s really, in a way it’s kind of sad. This Hunter Biden, he’s Joe’s only surviving child. I don’t know if you knew that. He started with three and now he’s down to one. He can’t even keep his own kids alive. Believe me, that’s not the kind of guy you want in the White House. He can’t even protect his own kids. How’s he going to protect the Ukraine? I have five kids and they’re all alive. Don Jr., Eric and The Other Girl could all die tomorrow and I wouldn’t really miss them if I’m being honest. But I’d still have more living children than Biden. Joe’s been married twice. I don’t know if you knew that. His first wife died and that may be the one thing he did better than me. I have two ex-wives. And with ex-wives, I have to pay them. But with a dead wife, you receive a life insurance payment. So in that regard, it makes more sense financially to have a dead wife than an ex-wife.

Zelensky: Yes, of course, Mr. Trump. We will cooperate in any investigation. I have met with Mr. Giuliani and he has brought such issues to my attention.

Trump: You know Rudy is investigating the oranges of the Mueller probe. It was a complete and total witch hunt perpetrated by the democrats. People are telling me, they say Hillary Clinton’s email server is actually in Ukraine. I’m hearing this from many, many people. The democrats actually hacked their own server to start this phony Russia collusion witch hunt to make Trump look bad. So it’s very, very important to me to get to the oranges of the Mueller probe.

Zelensky: Yes, Mr. Trump. I will help in any way I can. As I stated before, my people are being murdered and we need your help.

Trump: I really, I hate to have to say this, but maybe Joe Biden has something to do with that. I heard his first wife and two of his children mysteriously died. That’s a little strange. Don’t you think? Maybe there’s something to be found in Hillary Clinton’s emails that will explain all this. I don’t know. But people are telling me it’s very suspicious. That’s what I’m hearing. So, you’ll get with the attorney general and Rudy Giuliani and see what you can find out.

Zelensky: And you will provide aid to my country?

Trump: Look, you scratch my back and we’ll see if my itch goes away.

 

Trump was disturbed to discover releasing this memo, clearly showing he committed an impeachable crime, has done nothing to stop his impeachment. In fact, it has accelerated impeachment proceedings.

At a loss for what to do, Trump has declared Nancy Pelosi is no longer the House Speaker and has called for the execution of the Whistleblower. But since he has no power to enforce either of those things, he went on a Twitter tirade.

Now please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.

 

Namaste, Bitches

Two Turntables and a Microphone

The third democratic primary debate was hosted by ABC. Due to the existence of so many twenty-four hour news channels I haven’t watched network news in a long time. I didn’t realize how long it had been until I tuned into the debate and wondered where Ted Koppel was. Then I wondered if Ted Koppel is still alive. So I looked it up and I’m happy to report he is alive.

There were four moderators and I only recognized two of them, George Stephanopolous and Jorge Ramos. I have no idea why I know Jorge Ramos. He’s the anchor for Univision, which I don’t watch because I don’t know Spanish. Weird. Anyway, I had never heard of the other anchors and I didn’t bother learning their names because I had ten candidates to keep track of. Therefore, I’d like to apologize in advance to Black Lady and White Guy With Way Too Much Product In His Hair.

I may start watching network news again. Because ABC treated the debate with the dignity one might expect in a presidential debate. The MSNBC debate became The Chuck Todd Show. CNN treated the debate like the boardroom segment of The Apprentice. They even had an absurd reality show opening which turned me off before the debate began. So ABC has won me over and I may learn the names of Black Lady and White Guy With Way Too Much Product In His Hair. Eventually. If I feel like it. I did just put a lot of effort into the mystery of Ted Koppel.

Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren are my top two bitches and nothing in the debate changed my mind about that. And now I’d like to take a moment to address a mansplainer on Twitter. In a previous post, Hindsight Is 2016, I wrote about how it’s totally fucked up that we haven’t had a woman president. So Twitter Mansplainer told me I should vote for the most qualified person and not base my vote on gender. And I was all like, “Dude. I didn’t make a woman president a big fucking deal. Society did. Because if it wasn’t a big fucking deal we would have had a woman president by now.”

Also, I didn’t say I wouldn’t vote for a man. I said I would go on a rampage if I didn’t get a woman president. It’s a free country. I can go on a fucking rampage if I want to. Then Twitter Mansplainer told me he’s been fighting misogyny his whole life and I should reconsider and blah, blah, blah. For the record, one cannot be an arrogant mansplaining jackass and fight misogyny at the same time. I finally had enough of this guy and I was all like, “For fuck’s sake, I accused Julian Castro of having an evil twin. I shouldn’t have to explain to anyone that I wasn’t serious about that.” Twitter Mansplainer did not respond. Either he got the message or he found someone else to annoy.

Just so everything is clear, I do not believe Julian Castro has an evil twin. After watching the debate, I have concluded that Julian is the evil twin. Joaquin is the good twin. Julian was kind of a dick on this night.

  

Healthcare took up almost the entire first hour of the debate. Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are pushing Medicare For All. We all know from the Hot Mic Incident of 2010 that Joe Biden believes the Affordable Care Act to be a big fucking deal. So obviously Joe wants to keep the ACA and improve on that. 

 

Everyone else thinks there should be some sort of Variety Pack where you can have Medicare or you can keep your current insurance provider if you so love your current insurance provider. To which Elizabeth Warren replied, “I’ve never met anyone who loves their insurance provider.” And that’s why Elizabeth Warren is my bitch.

In the nineties Mitt Romney and Ted Kennedy were debating for a senate seat. Romney said the Kennedys were only in it for the money. And Ted Kennedy was all like, “You stupid motherfucker. You have to know I’m going to take this opportunity to talk about my three dead brothers, right?”

I mention this because Bernie Sanders started yelling about cancer to Joe Biden. I say yelling to, instead of yelling at, because Bernie only speaks at one loud volume, making it kind of hard to tell if he’s mad or not. Regardless, Biden recently lost his son to cancer, so it was kind of easy to tell that he was mad.

Then it was Julian Castro’s turn and he went on the attack against Joe Biden. Right after Biden talked about his dead son. So that was kind of a dick move. Castro misrepresented what Biden said about healthcare. And Biden was all like, “That’s not what I said.” Then Evil Twin Julian was all like, “Yes, it is. You just said it two minutes ago. Have you already forgotten what you said two minutes ago? Seriously, you don’t remember what you said two minutes ago? Come on, it was two minutes ago. You don’t remember? You’re so old you can’t remember what you said two minutes ago? Are you better off now than you were two minutes ago?”

Not only did Julian look like an asshole for picking on Biden’s age, but he was completely wrong about what Biden said. You can be an obnoxious asshole or you can be stupid. But you can’t be both. We already have a president like that.

Then Mayor Pete jumped in and said, “This petty bullshit is why people don’t like politics.”

And Julian said, “It’s called a democratic primary election.” Lamest comeback ever. And unfortunately, that was Julian’s third strike. He’s out. Perhaps, the good twin can run in his place.

I shall now copy CNN and list the Winners and Losers from the debate. I’m copying the idea, not their actual list. Because I never agree with their list.

Winners:

Elizabeth Warren – She’s my bitch and I already explained why.

Kamala Harris – She’s my top bitch. She used her opening statement to tell Trump he will be indicted and nothing the Fox and Friends say is admissible in court. Later, she described Trump as the little dude behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. I loved that, but I do have to deduct a point because the little dude behind the curtain is The Wizard of Oz. It’s the most watched movie of all time. How could she not know that?

Cory Booker – My sister pointed out that Cory Booker looks like Angry Obama Translator from the Key and Peele skit. Therefore, I can no longer look at Cory Booker without laughing. But that’s not his fault.

Many people, including me, made fun of Cory Booker’s attempt at speaking Spanish in the first debate. Jorge Ramos asked Cory if he believed everyone should follow his vegan diet.

Cory: No. I’ll translate that into Spanish. No.

Well played, Cory Booker. Well played.

Mayor Pete – At the end of the evening the candidates were asked about surviving shit or overcoming shit or some shit like that. And Mayor Pete said something like, “Yeah, so I was a mayor in Indiana and Mike Pence was governor. I wanted to come out, but I had to face the very real threat that Mike Pence would have me kidnapped and taken to one of those “Pray Away The Gay” camps. But I came out anyway. And now I’m coming for Mike Pence. But not in a gay way. So suck on that, Mike. But not in a gay way.”

Bernie Sanders - Bernie is on the winners list for wearing me down. I don’t know which is the best healthcare plan. I do know that Bernie is never going to shut up about Medicare For All. He was asked about gun control and his answer was pass Medicare For All. Let’s just pass the damn bill because Bernie is making me tired.

Beto O’Rourke – Beto’s coming to your house and taking your AK-47. And he made a point I’ve been making for years. The Second Amendment doesn’t give you the right to own any weapon. He said, “We don’t allow people to own grenade launchers.” That’s fucking right, Beto. The Second Amendment is the right to bear arms. Lots of things are arms. Who the fuck decided it only applies to guns? If the Second Amendment people really took it literally they would be fighting for their right to own bombs. And if the Supreme Court would simply read my blog, they would learn their interpretation of the Constitution is wrong.

Losers:

Andrew Yang – He pulled some Willy Wonka bullshit with his opening statement. If you go to Yang.com and enter his contest, you can be one of the golden ticket winners to receive twelve thousand dollars. Also, the money he’s giving away isn’t his. It’s money from his campaign donors. And also, I’m not entirely sure his website is Yang.com. If you go to Yang.com, I’m not responsible for what you find. I could look up his actual website, but I already did the Ted Koppel thing.

Amy Klobuchar – She didn’t have a single original line all night. I shall now provide quotes.

“There is more that unites us than divides us.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Hillary Clinton

“A house divided cannot stand.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Abe Lincoln

“Houston, we have a problem.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Tom Hanks

Julian Castro – He was kind of a dick. I already covered that.

Winner/Loser:

Joe Biden – Joe did fine in the debate overall, but he did have a fucked up moment. I don’t understand why he has such trouble answering questions about race. He was the vice president to the first African American president. He should be doing better on the subject of race.

So Black Lady asked him about a statement he made on slavery in 1975. In 1975, Joe did not feel he was responsible for things that happened three hundred years ago. This is how he should have answered:

“Black Lady, I’ve changed my views on a lot of things since 1975. In 1975 I thought Barney Miller was a good show. But when I catch a rerun now I see it was a truly stupid show.”

Then we would have all agreed Barney Miller was a stupid show and moved on. 

 

Instead Joe turned into that Miss South Carolina from ten years ago:

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq.”

Joe not only went Miss South Carolina. He went Crazy Angry Miss South Carolina.

“There is segregation. And in schools, poorer families, my wife is a teacher and my dead wife was a teacher. And the kids come to them, but they don’t have all the answers. So we need social services to go into homes and help them, because it’s not that they neglect the children, but they don’t have the tools. No one has showed them how to raise their children. And families need to turn on the radio, no the microwave, no the Nintendo, no it’s the record player. The record player. Families need to play the record player at night with the children and -”

White Guy With Too Much Product In His Hair tried to cut Joe off and he wasn’t having it.

“No! I’m going to keep talking. Venezuela. That’s not new.”

And then, I guess, he was done.

Julian Castro was called on next. But he couldn’t say shit about Biden’s shit show of an answer because he’d already played his dick card.

Namaste, Bitches

It's a Hard Knock Life

When I was in my twenties a co-worker told me the captivating story of where he was when Elvis died. Former co-worker had purchased tickets to an upcoming Elvis concert which did not occur due to the untimely death of Elvis. His dumbfounded response to the news of the King's death was, “But I have tickets...” I was about to ask if he got a refund when he asked me if I remembered where I was when Elvis died. I said, “I don't remember where I was, but I'm sure I shit my pants. Because I was four months old.” Former co-worker then got all kinds of mopey because I made him feel old. And he'd been mourning the loss of Elvis for twenty five years.

I miss the days when being born the same year Elvis died meant I was young. However, it does mean I always know how long Elvis has been dead. Which is forty two years for the record. Knowing this leads me to wonder why Trump awarded Elvis with the Presidential Medal of Freedom late last year. He also awarded Babe Ruth, who I believe has been dead longer than Elvis. But I'm not sure because Babe Ruth didn't die the year I was born.

To be fair he did award some living people. Like Orrin Hatch who won’t drop dead despite my repeated pleas for him to do so. And someone like Orrin Hatch, who won't die already, showed up to receive his award from Trump because it’s his only chance to receive such an honor. Because who the fuck else would give Orrin Hatch an award? You know, unless the senate gives out certificates of participation. 

Anyway, living entertainers and athletes probably would have boycotted the awards. At least, the A-list ones would have. I’m sure he could have booked appearances by Kid Rock or the non-Alec Baldwin who’s a super Christian Trump supporter. Stephen maybe? The one who’s decided dick riding Trump is a better career move than riding Alec’s coattails. It’s not. If it were I would have gone to the effort of Googling him to make sure I’m talking about the right Baldwin. He’s not worth a Google. 

Regardless, I'm assuming that's why Trump chose to award dead entertainers and athletes. And I find Elvis to be the most fascinating dead choice Trump made.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Donna, why are you talking about Baldwins and Elvis when there are much more important matters to discuss? Trump is still forcibly orphaning children and locking them in cages.” Don’t be so fucking impatient. I’m building to a point.

Remember how Trump avoided the draft because his foot hurt or something? Excuse me, I mean, because he was rich and his foot hurt or something. Elvis was drafted shortly after hitting it big and becoming a rock star. Although no one knew to call him a rock star because that phrase hadn't been invented yet. Instead of using his fame and fortune to avoid the draft, Elvis walked away from his career for two years while he served in the U.S. Army. People with only a passive interest in Elvis believe this is because he was super patriotic or because the fifties was a simpler time when people didn't dodge the draft. But hardcore Elvis fans know the real reason Elvis wasn't a draft dodger. And that reason was Colonel Tom Parker. 

 

Most people know about Elvis and the Colonel, however, if you're very young or simply never cared, I'll break it down for you. The Colonel was a dirty carnie who first saw a teenage Elvis playing state fairs and crap like that. Girls went crazy for Elvis because he was hot and he could kind of sing. The Colonel quickly realized he could cash in on this young hick who was hot and could kind of sing. The Colonel convinced Elvis he should manage his career, which he did until the day Elvis died in 1977 of either a heart attack, an overdose, or constipation.

Through all those years Elvis was the Colonel's only client and the Colonel totally ripped him off. He took half of his money and made all kinds of side deals so he could make money off of Elvis without actually having to pay Elvis. Basic dirty carnie stuff. He was still pulling this shit after Elvis died. The Colonel sold stolen Elvis property back to the Presley family. 

This brings us back to the fifties and the draft notice that took away the Colonel's only source of income for two years. It was the Colonel who insisted Elvis report for duty and not try to dodge the draft. It was the Colonel who insisted Elvis donate his entire army pay to charity. You may be wondering why a dirty carnie who literally stole from a dead man would be willing to lose his cash cow for such a long period of time. The Colonel didn't want the government poking around in his business. Because Colonel Tom Parker wasn't a colonel and his name wasn't Tom Parker. His name was Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk and he was an illegal immigrant. And no one knew until he died in 1997.

Despite his celebrity status and weird accent, the Colonel managed to keep his immigrant status secret. I'm assuming because he was white. I've never heard of anyone wanting to build a wall to keep the Dutch out. Although, we may want to consider it. There is speculation the Colonel fled the Netherlands because he was the suspect of a murder. 

To this very day, we all know the name Elvis Presley due to the shady actions of one Colonel Tom Parker, aka Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk. By awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Elvis Presley, Donald Trump endorsed the conduct of Colonel Tom Parker, who is quite possibly the most successful illegal immigrant in U.S. history. And possibly a murderer. But definitely a dirty carnie.

And with that ostentatious display of Trump’s immigration hypocrisy, I shall now address the plight of babies in cages.

Sarah Fabian is an attorney for the Office of Immigration Litigation. A video of Sarah ineffectively arguing against the benefits of providing soap to forcibly orphaned immigrant children went viral last month. A link to the video was sent to me by a friend, along with a two word directive: Finish Her.

Now please excuse me while I finish the bitch.

Dear Sarah,

Was your mother one of those teen moms who gave birth in a bathroom stall, then dropped you in a Dumpster so she could go back to the prom? Then Baby Sarah was discovered by a janitor and dropped off at a fire station, where you were then turned over to foster care, then went through a series of trailer trash foster parents like the girl in “White Oleander?” Because that’s the only reasonable scenario I can come up with to explain how you turned out so cartoonishly evil.

Or are you just terminally fucking stupid? Who thinks to cover children in aluminum foil? Did you just confuse where you heard the aluminum foil idea? Like maybe your mother, or trailer trash foster parent, said something to you about aluminum foil once and you were only half listening, and what you thought were childcare instructions were actually directions for baking a casserole.

Or perhaps you’re just greedy and selfish. Are you afraid the price of soap and toothbrushes will cut into your six figure salary? This is the richest nation in the world and we can’t buy a toothbrush? Dentists are literally giving them away. I’m past due for a cleaning. My dentist is seriously stalking me. I’m sure I could negotiate a handful a toothbrushes in exchange for allowing the dentist to remove my plaque as he so desperately desires.

 

You can’t provide better sleeping conditions for children than concrete floors accompanied by florescent lighting? Dog beds is a thriving industry in this nation for fuck’s sake.

Speaking of dogs, you feckless cunt, this isn’t the first time you’ve made the news for something stupidly cruel. Last summer you were supposed to appear in court for litigation on the reunification of families separated at the border. You told a federal judge you were unavailable because you had to go to Colorado to dog sit. Children in your care died while you were taking care of someone else’s dog. So in addition to this pile of child murdering bullshit you’ve created, I have to worry about the dog’s safety as well.

Eight year-olds are changing diapers. When a second grader recognizes the immediate needs of a baby and you don’t, it should really suggest to you that you’re in the wrong line of work. Although, I don’t know what line of work is good for a child neglecting, dog abusing, senseless, self-indulgent, waste of a human organism her white trash mother should have aborted with a rusty coat hanger.

Warm Wishes,

Donna Troy

I know the rusty coat hanger thing may be a bit harsh, but Sarah throws infants in cages to die in their own filth. She may get her feelings hurt, but to quote the First Lady’s wardrobe, “I really don’t care. Do you?”

Namaste, Bitches