Monday, June 18, 2018

Children Of A Lesser God

I once worked a temp job at the state treasurer's office, which lasted three months. That is my only experience working in government. Those three months gave me more experience than Trump had when he ran for president. Literally. And I mean literally as it's intended to be used. It annoys the shit out of me when people use it wrong. For example: “Man, I was so sick the other day. I literally shit my brains out.” Wrong, dumbass, you figuratively shit your brains out. Unless your brains actually exited your body via your asshole. And if that were the case, I would be both disgusted and fascinated. Which brings me back to Trump.

Trump's lack of understanding as to the inner workings of government has led to some friction with attorney general and former slave owner, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. Beauregard recused himself from the Russia investigation. He didn't want to, but he got caught in a lie and realized he had no choice. Beauregard does have a basic understanding of how government and laws work. That's why he's a former slave owner. Trump was counting on Beauregard to have his back with this whole Russia thing, so – friction. Donnie is also slightly miffed as he was hoping to borrow Jeff's slaves. I know what you're thinking. Trump doesn't pay his employees anyway, so why does he need slaves? Unpaid employees are free to quit, unlike slaves.

(For more ignorant thoughts on slavery see: The Coldest Story Ever Told.)

Realizing this is probably the last government office he will ever hold and unwilling to pay plantation workers, Beauregard is desperate to get back into Trump's good graces. He's hoping to reconnect with Trump through their mutual hatred of immigrants. More specifically, brown immigrants. Beauregard spent many a sleepless night trying to think of a more cruel and unjust immigration policy than that imaginary wall Mexican isn't paying for. However, due to his basic understanding of laws and whatnot, most of his evil plans were not feasible. He'd hit a wall. Pun intended. Ready to throw in the towel, he cuddled up in his favorite bean bag chair with a box of Goldfish Crackers and watched TV.

As he flipped through the channels he came across a movie called Sophie's Choice. The movie stars an overrated actress named Meryl Streep, whom Trump dislikes bigly. Normally, Beauregard wouldn't have watched it for fear Trump may be spying on him. But believing his relationship with the president was irrevocably damaged, he watch out of pure spite. And that's how Meryl Streep unwittingly became the inspiration for arguably the most heinous scheme perpetrated by the Trump administration yet.


The movie takes place during The Holocaust. Sophie has two children and the Nazis force her to choose one of them to be gassed, or they'll just kill them both. They don't really care. They were just trying to add a little excitement to their jobs. Killing people over and over can become monotonous. Upon seeing this, Beauregard said to himself, “Them Nazis had some good ideas.” He knows he can't murder children due to his basic understanding of the law. But he believes there's just enough wiggle room in the law to take children away from their parents and throw them in concentration camps. And thus, The Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Fuck The Children Immigration Policy was born.


Parents eagerly bring their children to America in hopes of a better future. Beauregard snatches the children away from their parents the moment they cross the border. The children are then placed in any available empty building. Don't worry. They threw out the homeless people who had been seeking shelter in those abandoned buildings before they abandoned babies in those buildings.

I know this may sound heartless, but the parents did enter this country illegally. And that's a misdemeanor. A misdemeanor, as defined by Google, is a minor wrongdoing. So, yeah, it's a bit harsh. We can all take comfort in knowing the people responsible for this atrocity are completely aware it's heartless. That's why they're lying to the parents. The Beauregard people take the children away under the pretense of bathing them never to return. Even the fucking Nazis had the balls to tell Meryl Streep they were going to murder her children.


If you believe ripping immigrant children away from their parents and storing them in an abandoned Walmart with left over Chia-Pets from last Christmas is barbaric and immoral, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions and Sarah Huckabee Sanders would like you to know Jesus is cool with it. Not surprisingly, Beauregard's cherry-picking of the Bible has met with some push back. Reporters, politicians and late night talk show hosts were armed and ready to shoot Beauregard straight to Hell with Bible readings of their own. It was entertaining, but completely unnecessary. Once a person aligns with Donald Trump, they immediately forgo all the non-refundable Jesus points they've collected over the years. Trump is the least Jesus-y president in history and I think Thomas Jefferson was an atheist. 


This reminds of a song I learned in Sunday School as a child:

Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are precious in his sight

As a child I thought it was sweet. As an adult I think, “Wow. That's fucked up.” They seriously taught children to refer to people as “red” and “yellow.” Jesus loves all children regardless of race, but it's okay to use creepy racial slurs. It's a bit of a mixed message.

With all this Bible talk I can't help but wonder: Are we not doing separation of church and state any more? I mean, did we just forget it's a thing? We should really start using it again. I think it would be more effective than everyone reading the Bible at each other. When Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims throwing babies in a discount bin on top of dusty old Tickle Me Elmo dolls is Biblical, we can say, “No, Sarah, you must defend your abhorrent actions on their own merits. There is a reason for separation of church and state. Neither Elmo nor abandoned Walmarts are mentioned in the Bible.”


If you're not sufficiently horrified by the abandoned Walmart thing, fear not. For Trump has an even grosser plan in the works. He will build tent cities on military bases to house the fifteen hundred or so children he has forcibly orphaned.

The children will carry the burden of this trauma for the remainder of their lives. It seems both Trump and Beauregard fail to comprehend the emotional and psychological scars they are inflicting on these children. Or like the Nazis, they just don't fucking care. The only way to make them care is to show them how this shit will negatively impact them. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to these assholes.

Dear Attorney General and/or President Asshole,

I recommend you watch a movie called The Princess Bride. As a child, the character of Inigo Montoya saw his father murdered by a six-fingered man. He spent the rest of his life searching for the six-fingered man. He finally caught up with the six-fingered man and said, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Then he killed him. It's an awesome movie.

Anyway, these children you're permanently damaging in the name of Jesus will grow up. And when they do, they're coming for you. I wouldn't be surprised if they fuck you up so bad your brains literally exit your bodies via your assholes.

Best of Luck,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches

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