I
once worked a temp job at the state treasurer's office, which lasted
three months. That is my only experience working in government. Those
three months gave me more experience than Trump had when he ran for
president. Literally. And I mean literally as it's intended to
be used. It annoys the shit out of me when people use it wrong. For
example: “Man, I was so sick the other day. I literally shit my
brains out.” Wrong, dumbass, you figuratively shit your brains out.
Unless your brains actually exited your body via your asshole. And if
that were the case, I would be both disgusted and fascinated. Which
brings me back to Trump.
Trump's
lack of understanding as to the inner workings of government has led
to some friction with attorney general and former slave owner,
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. Beauregard recused himself from the
Russia investigation. He didn't want to, but he got caught in a lie
and realized he had no choice. Beauregard does have a basic
understanding of how government and laws work. That's why he's a
former slave
owner. Trump was counting on
Beauregard to have his back with this whole Russia thing, so –
friction. Donnie is also slightly miffed as he was hoping to borrow
Jeff's slaves. I know what
you're thinking. Trump
doesn't pay his employees anyway, so why does he need slaves? Unpaid employees are
free to quit, unlike slaves.
(For
more ignorant thoughts on slavery see: The Coldest Story Ever Told.)
Realizing
this is probably the last government office he will ever hold and
unwilling to pay plantation workers, Beauregard is desperate to get
back into Trump's good graces. He's hoping to reconnect with Trump
through their mutual hatred of immigrants. More specifically, brown
immigrants. Beauregard spent many a sleepless night trying to think
of a more cruel and unjust immigration policy than that imaginary
wall Mexican isn't paying for. However, due to his basic
understanding of laws and whatnot, most of his evil plans were not
feasible. He'd hit a wall. Pun intended. Ready to throw in the towel,
he cuddled up in his favorite bean bag chair with a box of Goldfish
Crackers and watched TV.
As
he flipped through the channels he came across a movie called
Sophie's Choice. The movie stars an overrated
actress named Meryl Streep, whom Trump dislikes bigly. Normally,
Beauregard wouldn't have watched it for fear Trump may be spying on
him. But believing his relationship with the president was
irrevocably damaged, he watch out of pure spite. And that's how Meryl
Streep unwittingly became the inspiration for arguably the most
heinous scheme perpetrated by the Trump administration yet.
The
movie takes place during The Holocaust. Sophie has two children and
the Nazis force her to choose one of them to be gassed, or they'll
just kill them both. They don't really care. They were just trying to
add a little excitement to their jobs. Killing people over and over
can become monotonous. Upon seeing this, Beauregard said to himself,
“Them Nazis had some good ideas.” He knows he can't murder
children due to his basic understanding of the law. But he believes
there's just enough wiggle room in the law to take children away from
their parents and throw them in concentration camps. And thus, The
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Fuck The Children Immigration Policy
was born.
Parents
eagerly bring their children to America in hopes of a better future.
Beauregard snatches the children away from their parents the moment
they cross the border. The children are then placed in any available
empty building. Don't worry. They threw out the homeless people who
had been seeking shelter in those abandoned buildings before they
abandoned babies in those buildings.
I
know this may sound heartless, but the parents did enter this country
illegally. And that's a misdemeanor. A misdemeanor, as defined by
Google, is a minor wrongdoing. So, yeah, it's a bit harsh. We can all
take comfort in knowing the people responsible for this atrocity are
completely aware it's heartless. That's why they're lying to the
parents. The Beauregard people take the children away under the
pretense of bathing them never to return. Even the fucking Nazis had
the balls to tell Meryl Streep they were going to murder her
children.
If
you believe ripping immigrant children away from their parents and
storing them in an abandoned Walmart with left over Chia-Pets from
last Christmas is barbaric and immoral, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions
and Sarah Huckabee Sanders would like you to know Jesus is cool with
it. Not surprisingly, Beauregard's cherry-picking of the Bible has
met with some push back. Reporters, politicians and late night talk
show hosts were armed and ready to shoot Beauregard straight to Hell
with Bible readings of their own. It was entertaining, but completely
unnecessary. Once a person aligns with Donald Trump, they immediately
forgo all the non-refundable Jesus points they've collected over the
years. Trump is the least Jesus-y president in history and I think
Thomas Jefferson was an atheist.
This
reminds of a song I learned in Sunday School as a child:
Jesus
loves the little children
All
the children of the world
Red
and yellow, black and white
They
are precious in his sight
As
a child I thought it was sweet. As an adult I think, “Wow. That's
fucked up.” They seriously taught children to refer to people as
“red” and “yellow.” Jesus loves all children regardless of
race, but it's okay to use creepy racial slurs. It's a bit of a mixed
message.
With
all this Bible talk I can't help but wonder: Are we not doing
separation of church and state any more? I mean, did we just forget
it's a thing? We should really start using it again. I think it would
be more effective than everyone reading the Bible at each other. When
Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims throwing babies in a discount bin on
top of dusty old Tickle Me Elmo dolls is Biblical, we can say, “No,
Sarah, you must defend your abhorrent actions on their own merits.
There is a reason for separation of church and state. Neither Elmo
nor abandoned Walmarts are mentioned in the Bible.”
If
you're not sufficiently horrified by the abandoned Walmart thing,
fear not. For Trump has an even grosser plan in the works. He will
build tent cities on military bases to house the fifteen hundred or
so children he has forcibly orphaned.
The
children will carry the burden of this trauma for the remainder of
their lives. It seems both Trump and Beauregard fail to comprehend
the emotional and psychological scars they are inflicting on these
children. Or like the Nazis, they just don't fucking care. The only
way to make them care is to show them how this shit will negatively
impact them. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to these
assholes.
Dear
Attorney General and/or President Asshole,
I
recommend you watch a movie called The Princess Bride. As a child,
the character of Inigo Montoya saw his father murdered by a
six-fingered man. He spent the rest of his life searching for the
six-fingered man. He finally caught up with the six-fingered man and
said, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.
Prepare to die.” Then he killed him. It's an awesome movie.
Anyway,
these children you're permanently damaging in the name of Jesus will
grow up. And when they do, they're coming for you. I wouldn't be
surprised if they fuck you up so bad your brains literally exit your
bodies via your assholes.
Best
of Luck,
Donna
Troy
Namaste,
Bitches