When
I read Hillary Clinton's book, “What Happened,” I was struck by something we
have in common. Hillary wrote about the
breakneck pace of news since Trump has taken office and how it makes it
difficult to write. She said many a breaking news story would force her to
rewrite an entire chapter. When I read that I immediately started talking back
to my Kindle, like so:
“Tell
me about it, Hillary. Do you have any idea how many blogs I've completed only
to have to start over because Rachel Maddow reported breaking news at nine
forty at night? I posted a blog about the Me Too Movement (Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit) on a Sunday night. The following morning, I woke up to a
news alert on my phone: NBC Fires Matt Lauer. I shouted, “Son of a
Bitch,” to the confusion of my neighbor who was walking her dog past my open
window. It's a pain in the ass to keep up, Hillz. It really is.”
Last
week, a friend dragged me to see Pod Save America live. As I had never listened
to the podcast before, I'm not familiar with the hosts and I didn't bother to
learn their names at the show. Therefore, I shall hereinafter refer to them as
The Pod People. At the end of the show, The Pod People had time to take three
questions from audience members. All three questions were unbearably stupid.
This
reminded me of a blog I'd been meaning to write for some time, but hadn't
gotten the chance. Because every time I tried to start it something crazy would
happen. Like a porn star causing an FBI raid on Trump's attorney. Or yet
another mass shooting. Or Trump throwing babies he forcibly orphaned into
cages. (As I write this there's been another mass shooting. Thoughts and
prayers.) Regardless, I've decided to make time for an important issue that
has fallen through the cracks.
My
Fellow Americans/Blog Followers, some of our recently “woke” friends in The
Resistance are kind of dumb. You may be thinking, “You're one to talk, Donna.
You have imaginary conversations with Hillary Clinton.” Yes, but I know they're
imaginary. That's what matters.
I
shall now share with you the three unbearably stupid questions which inspired
this blog. Please keep the following image in your mind as you read about the
stupid questions. The Pod People announced they had time for three questions
from audience members. People climbed over chairs and ran down the aisles, knocking
people about in their haste to seek the wisdom of The Pod People.
The
Pod People had just interviewed North Carolina Governor, Roy Cooper. He had
departed the stage, but was presumably still in the building. You need to know
this in order to understand the utter stupidity of the first stupid question. A
young woman, who had bested all the other chair climbers in the race to the
microphone, was the first to seek wisdom from The Pod People. She began her
question by not asking a question.
“Uh,
yeah, so I want to support democrats. And I want to vote for democrats. But...
Wow. This is going to be awkward if Gov. Cooper is still here. So, how do I? I
mean, I want to support causes...”
At
this point, one of The Pod People interrupted her. “You should probably get
to the question or these people are going to turn on you,” and he
pointed to the audience. Alas, he was too late as my friends and I had already
turned on her.
Kind of dumb bitch finally spit out her question. “What do you do if the
democrat does something you don't agree with? Like, Gov. Cooper made a decision
I didn't like.”
The
Pod Person was kind while answering her question, but I'm going to share his
response in the uncensored way I interpreted it in my head.
“You
see, fucktard, all elected officials will make decisions you disagree with,
even the ones you vote for. Fortunately, in these United States you're allowed
to speak up and demand answers of elected officials. That's literally what this
whole evening has been about. And since Gov. Cooper is here, you should take
the opportunity to express your dismay to him. As opposed to whining about it
to some random Pod Person who doesn't even live in this state. Now please try
not to step on anyone as you climb back to your seat.”
The
next chair climber to seek wisdom from The Pod People was a young man in a
dirty t-shirt. This was his question: “What do you do if you want to help a
campaign, but you only have twenty-five dollars to donate?”
My
interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Donate twenty-five dollars.”
The
final chair climber to seek wisdom from The Pod People identified himself as
the husband of a newly elected city councilwoman. My hopes for an intelligent
question were raised, but quickly dashed as he began to speak. “My wife was
just elected as a first time councilwoman. The thing is, we want to make a
difference, but she only gets to make policies about zoning and water and stuff
like that. What do we do?”
My
interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Motherfucker, what did you
think the job duties of a councilwoman in Chapel Hill, North Carolina would
entail? Perhaps, if you picked up a newspaper once in a while you would know
town councilwomen are very rarely involved in international peace talks. Is
your wife in the audience today? Point her out.”
The
wife/councilwoman, who obviously didn't feel the overwhelming need to trample
audience members to ask a stupid question, rose and waved to the crowd.
My
interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Congratulations on your
victory. If you're serious about a career in politics, you may want to consider
leaving your husband. He just publicly stated he doesn't know why water is
important. Water.”
Fortunately,
there is hope for our kind of dumb friends. They're only kind of dumb, after
all. They don't suffer terminal stupidity like Trump supporters. Our kind of
dumb friends are smart enough to realize it's wrong for the president to call
Klan members “some very fine people.” As Rev. Dr. William Barber said when he
was interviewed by The Pod People, “This isn't about right and left. It's about
right and wrong.” Preach, Reverend Doctor, Preach.
However,
knowing right from wrong doesn't equate to knowing when and where to vote. Despite
all the talk of The Resistance and the blue wave coming, I was somehow given
the sole power to choose the mayor of Raleigh, North Carolina. It's the only
logical conclusion I can draw from my experience on Election Day. The polling
place was empty when I arrived, which is strange in a city with a population of
over four hundred thousand. I was the only one wearing an “I Voted” sticker at
work. No one I spoke to that day seemed to know there was an election. And most importantly, the candidate I chose
won. The only conclusion which can be drawn being: I picked the mayor. The
power our kind of dumb friends unknowingly bestowed upon me is intoxicating,
but I find myself deeply concerned about the upcoming midterm elections.
My
Fellow Americans/Blog Followers, with your help we can ensure the 2018 election
goes better than the 2016 election. Remember how you felt on that fateful
night. Remember your tear stained Hillary For President t-shirt. Remember the
crippling abdominal pain and diarrhea. Remember when your mom called from the
cat house to find out what was happening and your throat practically closed up
and you were barely able to utter the words, “It looks like Donald Trump is
going to be president.” And your mom gasped. And you had to explain to your
friends the cat house isn't what it sounds like. Your mom's an animal hoarder.
Do
not fear for I'm here to tell you how to prevent crippling abdominal pain and
diarrhea in three easy steps at no cost to you.
1.
Identify your kind of dumb friends.
You
may already know who some of your kind of dumb friends are, but this shouldn't
prevent you from checking the intelligence of all your friends. You may be
surprised to discover the kind of dumbness some of your friends possess.
For
example: Say you live in North Carolina. The republican controlled, super
racist state legislature has been ruthless in their gerrymandering of
congressional districts. You don't know how they pulled it off, but four people
in Tennessee are in your voting district. A co-worker is reading an article about
gerrymandering when she turns to you and asks, “Is gerrymandering a real word?”
You've just identified a kind of dumb friend.
2.
Take your kind of dumb friends to vote on Election Day.
You
can't trust them to show up on their own. If you could, we'd be calling them
your kind of smart friends.
3.
Print out sample ballots, circle the candidates you want to win, and hand them
out to your kind of dumb friends.
Your
kind of dumb friends will probably ask if they are allowed to take the sample
ballot into the voting booth. You are to reply, “Yes, dumbass. It's not a
test.”
Namaste,
Bitches
