Friday, June 29, 2018

Blue Wave: The Awakening

When I read Hillary Clinton's book, “What Happened,” I was struck by something we have in common.  Hillary wrote about the breakneck pace of news since Trump has taken office and how it makes it difficult to write. She said many a breaking news story would force her to rewrite an entire chapter. When I read that I immediately started talking back to my Kindle, like so:

“Tell me about it, Hillary. Do you have any idea how many blogs I've completed only to have to start over because Rachel Maddow reported breaking news at nine forty at night? I posted a blog about the Me Too Movement (Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit) on a Sunday night. The following morning, I woke up to a news alert on my phone: NBC Fires Matt Lauer. I shouted, “Son of a Bitch,” to the confusion of my neighbor who was walking her dog past my open window. It's a pain in the ass to keep up, Hillz. It really is.”

Last week, a friend dragged me to see Pod Save America live. As I had never listened to the podcast before, I'm not familiar with the hosts and I didn't bother to learn their names at the show. Therefore, I shall hereinafter refer to them as The Pod People. At the end of the show, The Pod People had time to take three questions from audience members. All three questions were unbearably stupid. 

This reminded me of a blog I'd been meaning to write for some time, but hadn't gotten the chance. Because every time I tried to start it something crazy would happen. Like a porn star causing an FBI raid on Trump's attorney. Or yet another mass shooting. Or Trump throwing babies he forcibly orphaned into cages. (As I write this there's been another mass shooting. Thoughts and prayers.) Regardless, I've decided to make time for an important issue that has fallen through the cracks.

My Fellow Americans/Blog Followers, some of our recently “woke” friends in The Resistance are kind of dumb. You may be thinking, “You're one to talk, Donna. You have imaginary conversations with Hillary Clinton.” Yes, but I know they're imaginary. That's what matters.

I shall now share with you the three unbearably stupid questions which inspired this blog. Please keep the following image in your mind as you read about the stupid questions. The Pod People announced they had time for three questions from audience members. People climbed over chairs and ran down the aisles, knocking people about in their haste to seek the wisdom of The Pod People.

The Pod People had just interviewed North Carolina Governor, Roy Cooper. He had departed the stage, but was presumably still in the building. You need to know this in order to understand the utter stupidity of the first stupid question. A young woman, who had bested all the other chair climbers in the race to the microphone, was the first to seek wisdom from The Pod People. She began her question by not asking a question.

“Uh, yeah, so I want to support democrats. And I want to vote for democrats. But... Wow. This is going to be awkward if Gov. Cooper is still here. So, how do I? I mean, I want to support causes...”

At this point, one of The Pod People interrupted her. “You should probably get to the question or these people are going to turn on you,” and he pointed to the audience. Alas, he was too late as my friends and I had already turned on her.

Kind of dumb bitch finally spit out her question. “What do you do if the democrat does something you don't agree with? Like, Gov. Cooper made a decision I didn't like.”

The Pod Person was kind while answering her question, but I'm going to share his response in the uncensored way I interpreted it in my head.

“You see, fucktard, all elected officials will make decisions you disagree with, even the ones you vote for. Fortunately, in these United States you're allowed to speak up and demand answers of elected officials. That's literally what this whole evening has been about. And since Gov. Cooper is here, you should take the opportunity to express your dismay to him. As opposed to whining about it to some random Pod Person who doesn't even live in this state. Now please try not to step on anyone as you climb back to your seat.”

The next chair climber to seek wisdom from The Pod People was a young man in a dirty t-shirt. This was his question: “What do you do if you want to help a campaign, but you only have twenty-five dollars to donate?”

My interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Donate twenty-five dollars.”

The final chair climber to seek wisdom from The Pod People identified himself as the husband of a newly elected city councilwoman. My hopes for an intelligent question were raised, but quickly dashed as he began to speak. “My wife was just elected as a first time councilwoman. The thing is, we want to make a difference, but she only gets to make policies about zoning and water and stuff like that. What do we do?”

My interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Motherfucker, what did you think the job duties of a councilwoman in Chapel Hill, North Carolina would entail? Perhaps, if you picked up a newspaper once in a while you would know town councilwomen are very rarely involved in international peace talks. Is your wife in the audience today? Point her out.”

The wife/councilwoman, who obviously didn't feel the overwhelming need to trample audience members to ask a stupid question, rose and waved to the crowd.

My interpreted uncensored Pod Person response: “Congratulations on your victory. If you're serious about a career in politics, you may want to consider leaving your husband. He just publicly stated he doesn't know why water is important. Water.”

Fortunately, there is hope for our kind of dumb friends. They're only kind of dumb, after all. They don't suffer terminal stupidity like Trump supporters. Our kind of dumb friends are smart enough to realize it's wrong for the president to call Klan members “some very fine people.” As Rev. Dr. William Barber said when he was interviewed by The Pod People, “This isn't about right and left. It's about right and wrong.” Preach, Reverend Doctor, Preach. 

However, knowing right from wrong doesn't equate to knowing when and where to vote. Despite all the talk of The Resistance and the blue wave coming, I was somehow given the sole power to choose the mayor of Raleigh, North Carolina. It's the only logical conclusion I can draw from my experience on Election Day. The polling place was empty when I arrived, which is strange in a city with a population of over four hundred thousand. I was the only one wearing an “I Voted” sticker at work. No one I spoke to that day seemed to know there was an election.  And most importantly, the candidate I chose won. The only conclusion which can be drawn being: I picked the mayor. The power our kind of dumb friends unknowingly bestowed upon me is intoxicating, but I find myself deeply concerned about the upcoming midterm elections.

My Fellow Americans/Blog Followers, with your help we can ensure the 2018 election goes better than the 2016 election. Remember how you felt on that fateful night. Remember your tear stained Hillary For President t-shirt. Remember the crippling abdominal pain and diarrhea. Remember when your mom called from the cat house to find out what was happening and your throat practically closed up and you were barely able to utter the words, “It looks like Donald Trump is going to be president.” And your mom gasped. And you had to explain to your friends the cat house isn't what it sounds like. Your mom's an animal hoarder.   

Do not fear for I'm here to tell you how to prevent crippling abdominal pain and diarrhea in three easy steps at no cost to you.

1. Identify your kind of dumb friends.

You may already know who some of your kind of dumb friends are, but this shouldn't prevent you from checking the intelligence of all your friends. You may be surprised to discover the kind of dumbness some of your friends possess.

For example: Say you live in North Carolina. The republican controlled, super racist state legislature has been ruthless in their gerrymandering of congressional districts. You don't know how they pulled it off, but four people in Tennessee are in your voting district. A co-worker is reading an article about gerrymandering when she turns to you and asks, “Is gerrymandering a real word?” You've just identified a kind of dumb friend.

2. Take your kind of dumb friends to vote on Election Day.

You can't trust them to show up on their own. If you could, we'd be calling them your kind of smart friends.

3. Print out sample ballots, circle the candidates you want to win, and hand them out to your kind of dumb friends.

Your kind of dumb friends will probably ask if they are allowed to take the sample ballot into the voting booth. You are to reply, “Yes, dumbass. It's not a test.”

Namaste, Bitches


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