Saturday, July 27, 2019

The Kidney at The Heart of The Matter

To quote Twitter user @RedTRacoon, “It doesn’t matter what Chuck Todd says.” Chuck Todd tweeted the Mueller testimony was a disaster, like, during the opening statements. And that’s not very fair. The opening and closing statements are the most boring part of any hearing. Except for maybe the O.J. case. I’ve got to give it to Johnny Cochran. “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” is a pretty snappy catchphrase. Anyway, whether you watched the Mueller testimony or not, remember it doesn’t matter what Chuck Todd says. Thank you for your service, @RedTRacoon.

Despite the general dickishness of Chuck Todd, the Mueller testimony didn’t meet the dramatic hype leading up to it. The take away from the testimony is this: Robert Mueller is an old man. He did his job thoroughly. He submitted a comprehensive report. His job is done and he doesn’t wish to bothered further. Especially by people with the reading comprehension skills of an average five year-old.

Following Mueller’s testimony the news people kept repeating that this is an occasion where the book is better than the movie. No shit. The book is almost always better than the movie. I read “The Da Vinci Code” in one night. Couldn’t put it down. But halfway through the movie I realized you can’t assume a movie is going to be good just because Tom Hanks is in it. Which is something I kind of knew after “Castaway,” but wasn’t quite ready to concede.

The main reason the democrats wanted Mueller to testify is sadly, most people haven’t read The Mueller Report. Most of the republicans who questioned Robert Mueller haven’t read The Mueller Report. It was painfully obvious to anyone who has read The Mueller Report. If you haven’t yet read The Mueller Report, please do so now. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Also, please read it aloud so that everyone may hear. Perhaps, go to a park and do a dramatic reading for strangers.

The next day NBC went to some random diner in Wisconsin or wherever and asked people having breakfast if they thought the president should be impeached. One doughnut muncher said there was no big sound bite from the Mueller hearing so we should just let the election sort it out. So that’s what we’re doing now. We’re governing by sound bites. Or as Johnny Cochran might say, “If there’s no sound bite, wait for election night.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Doughnut Muncher.

Dear Doughnut Muncher,

The Watergate break in happened during Nixon’s first term. And he was re-elected.

And remember how no one, including Trump himself, believed Trump was going to be elected? Then it happened.

So don’t talk with your mouth full and your brain empty.

Also, you should eat better. Perhaps, have some Kellogg’s Raisin Bran as part of a complete breakfast.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy 

As much as I hate to admit it, Doughnut Muncher may have a point. We need something flashy to get the attention of all the Doughnut Munchers out there. Remember the Facebook campaign to get Betty White to host SNL? I propose we start a campaign to get SNL to do a whole show acting out the Mueller report. And by “we” I mean someone reading this who knows how to start a Facebook campaign. Because I don’t. Also, see if you can get Betty White involved. I think if we get Betty White attached to this project more people will watch.

Anyway, back to the testimony. Robert Mueller basically had two answers for any question he was asked. 1.) I stand by what’s in the report. 2.) I can’t answer that as it’s part of an ongoing DOJ investigation.

I shall now share some of the most stupid things said by republican senators. As someone who has read the report and has an almost obsessive need to ridicule assholes, I feel it’s totally cool if I provide answers on behalf of Robert Mueller as I deem necessary.

Senator Ratcliffe of TX: As you know, there was a well-developed conspiracy of cooperation between the Trump campaign and the Russian government, but the special counsel investigation didn't establish any conspiracy, correct?

Mueller: Yeah, so I’m gonna call bullshit on that. As is stated in the report, Don Jr. and Jared Kushner totally conspired with the Russian government. But we did not think it possible to convince a grand jury that either of them is smart enough to know he was committing a crime.

And there are ongoing investigations being handled by the Department of Justice.

Senator Ratcliffe: Oh. Well, just forget I asked then.

Senator Sensenbrenner of WI: You’re no Kenneth Starr.

Mueller: Blow me.

Senator Chabot of OH: The American people didn’t read your report so they don’t know why the president should be impeached. And since they didn’t read it we don’t have to hold him accountable for anything.

Mueller: That’s not so much a question for me as it is a case for your own impeachment.

Senator Gohmert of TX: James Comey is your BFF and you’ll do anything for him. That is a direct quote from the Fox and Friends newsletter. How many times did you speak to Comey pertaining to the Russian investigation prior to May 2017?

Mueller: Zero.

Senator Gohmert: Zero?

Mueller: Yes, zero. I’m seventy five-motherfucking-years-old. I don’t have sleepovers with random colleagues where we have pillow fights and gossip into the wee hours of the night.
I go home. Have dinner with my wife around five. At seven, we watch Wheel Of Fortune while I drink a glass of Metamucil. I’m in bed by eight. At four o’clock in the morning, I get up and have a healthy bowel movement. Then I have a bowl of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran as part of a complete breakfast.

Senator Jim Jordan of OH: You charged all these people with lying to the FBI. But what about this Josef Misfud guy, huh? He lied to the FBI three times. And you didn’t charge him. I don’t know how this information helps the president, but I’m going to yell about it until my five minutes are up.

Senator Gaetz of FL: You wrote 3500 words about the June 9th Trump Tower Meeting and nothing about the Clinton Foundation.

Mueller: I wasn’t investigating the Clinton Foundation.

Senator Gaetz: Whatever. I ain’t trying to hear that.

Senator Ken Buck of CO: Can the president can be indicted once his term ends?

Mueller: Yes.

Senator Buck: Hold up. Wait a minute. Slow it down. Then spin it again. You’re saying the president can be indicted for obstruction of justice once he’s out of office?

Mueller: Yes. If you’ll allow me, I’ll read from the report. This is in Volume 2, Page 173, Paragraph 4. Quote:

Hold up, wait a minute
You just said that you the realest
You just said that you the illest
Killin' all your little villains
But I got this little feelin'
You ain't spittin' what you livin'
And if you are you might wanna quit it
You'll be endin' up in prison

End quote.

Senator Lesko of AZ: Fox News was only cited – something like – twelve times in this report. Why didn’t you get more information from Fox News?

Mueller: We interviewed Sean Hannity and didn’t find him to be a credible witness. If you’ll allow me, I’ll read from the report. This is in Volume 2, Page 57, Paragraph 6. Quote:

We asked Sean Hannity if he was aware of Trump Tower Moscow and he replied:

I can tell you President Trump didn’t break the law. I’m not aware of all the president’s business dealings, but why would I be? You know? I work at Fox News. We report. You decide.

We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blond
Who comes on at five
She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It's interesting when people die
Give us dirty laundry

Well, I could have been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry

So, there you go. You decide.”

End quote.

Senator Cline of VA: Why haven’t you charged Obama with obstruction of justice?

Mueller: I’m going to decline to answer due to the utter stupidity of the question.

Senator Steube of FL: I’m going to ask questions about ongoing cases you specifically stated you are unable to talk about and then get mad when you refuse to talk about them.

Mueller: You don't really need to find out what's going on. You don't really want to know just how far it's gone. Just leave well enough alone. Eat your dirty laundry.

Senator Armstrong of ND: Did you know some of your employees voted for Hillary Clinton? How is that fair?

Mueller: I’m going to decline to answer due to the utter stupidity of the question.

Senator Turner of OH: You wrote that this report does not exonerate President Trump. But exonerate is not a legal term. Therefore, the entire report is illegal. Your Honor, I recommend this case be thrown out of court.

Mueller: We’re not in a court. There is no judge.

Senator Turner: Shut up. I know the law. In preparation for this case, I watched five episodes of JAG – back to back. That’s known as binge-watching. Which is a legal term. You can look it up. You don’t have the power to exonerate anyone. Attorney General Barr doesn’t have the power to exonerate anyone – anymore than I have the power to equate watching TV with earning a law degree. Think you’re so smart. Tell us why you wrote that the report does not exonerate President Trump.

Mueller: I included that language because he may not know that he can’t be exonerated.

Senator Turner: You think Bill Barr doesn’t know that? Think you’re smarter than the attorney general, do ya?

Mueller: I think we both know I was talking about President Trump.

Senator Turner: Oh, so now you think you’re smarter than the president?

Mueller: Yes.

Senator Stewart of UT: Why were there so many leaks from your investigation? I have twenty five examples of leaks in a folder. I’m not going to list them or put them up on the screen because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s reputation. Not because I’m making it up or because this folder I’m indignantly waving around is empty.

Mueller: I’m not going to answer if you don’t show me what’s in the folder. You have my report. Come on. I showed you mine. You show me yours.

Senator Nunes of CA: We can do the innuendo. We can dance and sing. When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing. We all know that crap is king. Give us dirty laundry. This whole Russian interference is based on a rumor. I heard that from President Trump himself. And with that, I yield my time.

Senator Crawford of NE: I’m going to yield my time to Senator Nunes. He forgot to mention how Hillary Clinton colluded with the Russians and the president really wanted him to mention that.

Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, July 1, 2019

Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Part Two

Twenty candidates. Two nights. One snarky blogger. Continuing coverage of the 2020 Democratic Debates, brought to you by Donna Troy, begins now.

The NBC people were extremely disappointed Joe Biden wasn’t attacked on Night One, or The Chuck Todd Show, as it is now known. On Night Two they finally got the Biden bloodbath they so desperately craved.

Night Two – The Candidates

Marianne Williamson
John Hickenlooper
Andrew Yang
Pete Buttigieg
Joe Biden
Bernie Sanders
Kamala Harris
Kirsten Gillibrand
Michael Bennet
Eric Swalwell

You may be wondering, “Who the fuck is Marianne Williamson?” I wondered the same thing. Apparently, she’s some author no one’s ever heard of, who somehow polled high enough to make it to the debate stage. Curiosity forced me to Google her and I learned she is the author of such titles as, Enchanted Love and Emma & Mommy Talk To God. While she offered nothing of value to the discourse, she did provide some much needed, yet unintended, comic relief. Her closing statement went something like this:

Donald Trump, you are filled with hate. I will destroy you with a mixture of essential oils, healing crystals, moonbeams and hoodoo candles. But did you that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?

As I stated in a previous blog, John Hickenlooper can’t be president because you can’t say President Hickenlooper without laughing. 

Andrew Yang is some rich tech guy no one’s ever heard of. He’s running on a platform to provide every adult in America with an extra income of one thousand dollars a month. That comes to over thirty-nine billion dollars a year. His plan to raise all that money was hard to follow, but I think it has something to do with selling Avon

Michael Bennet is goofy looking and I found that too distracting to pay attention to anything he had to say.

Kirsten Gillibrand spent the whole evening interrupting like The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn. And on the after party show, the NBC people took credit for Kirsten’s interruptions. Because during last night’s after party they called out the women on The Chuck Todd Show for not interrupting. For fuck’s sake, NBC. You created the world’s first attractive Chuck Todd.

Speaking of massive irritations, I had a horrible migraine the night of the debate. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Bernie Sanders.

Dear Bernie,

There is no need to shout when you have a microphone. I have shitty health insurance and it’s a pain in the ass to get my migraine medication. Until you make good on this promise to fix healthcare, I’m going to need you to use your inside voice.

Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Donna Troy

No matter what Bernie Sanders was asked, he managed to work both Wall Street and Medicare For All into the answer. I found this to be both impressive and boring. 

This is Joe Biden’s third time running for president, which led to the following exchange.

Biden was all like, “I don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation.”

And Eric Swalwell was all like, “You’re living in the past. It’s a new generation.”

Then Mayor Pete was all like, “I’m the youngest. I’ll take it from here. I’ve never been afraid of any deviation.

Then Bernie Sanders was all like, “Shut up, you little punk. I’m the oldest. The world’s in trouble. There’s no communication.

Then Kamala Harris was all like, “Knock it the fuck off or I will turn this car around.”

And that was the end of that. Way to be a boss bitch, Kamala.

Mayor Pete is embroiled in controversy because a black man was killed by a white police officer in his city. Mayor Pete was previously embroiled in controversy because a black police officer was fired after he filed a complaint about racism on the force. Mayor Pete was asked why all this racist shit keeps happening under his watch. And he was all like, “Look, I’m kind of incompetent. And I don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. So we’ll investigate or whatever. Vote for me.”

This prompted four white people to jump in and share their thoughts on racism. Then Kamala Harris began to speak and Chuck Todd was all like, “Whoa, it’s not your turn.” And Kamala said, “As the only black person on this stage, I’d like speak on the issue of race.”

I knew I had just witnessed a truly historic and empowering moment. I’ll never forget the moment Kamala Harris silenced Chuck Todd. For that moment alone she’s climbed to first place on Donna Troy’s rankings, ahead of Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar and Tulsi Gabbard.

If you don’t keep up with the news you may need a little background on what follows. Joe Biden talks too much. And people who talk too much can’t avoid stepping in it. Because they can’t shut the fuck up long enough to do the all important thinking before speaking.

In the weeks leading up to the debate, Joe fondly reminisced about the seventies. He was all like, “There were a lot of segregationists in the senate back then. But they were polite and well mannered. We were able to work together and come to an understanding. We decided it was best not to mandate the busing of African American children to white schools. And instead, allow each school district to integrate when they felt like it. In a more organic fashion. And in the end it all worked out. Obama.”

Despite this, America still loves the shit out of Joe Biden. So he was given ample opportunities to redeem himself before the debate. But for reasons known only to him, he didn’t.

So this happened.

Kamala was all like, “Joe, you’re cool, but you’ve been kind of dick lately. I was a kid in the seventies and I was bused to school. Apologize for siding with the well mannered segregationists or I will end you.

And Biden was all like, “I wasn’t against busing. I voted against mandated busing because you can only push segregationists so far. But African American children were free to go Greyhound to get to white schools. Of course, without mandated busing the schools weren’t forced to integrate. What I’m trying to say is, you know, take the bus or don’t take the bus. Go Greyhound and leave the driving to us. It’s all good.

And Kamala was all like, “I must break you.”

And Biden was all like, “Obama. Is my time up?”

And Kamala was all like, “Oh yeah, your time’s up.”

On the after party show, the NBC people felt it important to repeatedly explain that Kamala’s take down of Biden had been planned. For fuck’s sake, NBC. Of course it was planned. It’s generally wise for one to plan before participating in a presidential debate.

Eric Swalwell used a Joe Biden quote from 1988. Unless Eric Swalwell has some super computer brain that allows him to retrieve his every memory of 1988, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that was planned.

The NBC people also said the moderators did a good job of staying out of the candidates’ way this evening. I’m pretty sure it was their subtle way of apologizing for Chuck Todd. 

Namaste, Bitches


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