Monday, April 22, 2019

White House Down


Sean Hannity once said, “If Fox News had been around in the seventies, Nixon wouldn’t have had to resign.” And he said it proudly as if Nixon had suffered the unwarranted indignity of having to resign under false allegations. Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Fox News Viewers.

Dear Fox News Viewers,

What the fuck does it take to get through to you?

Kind Regards,

Donna Troy



The moment The Mueller Report was released Sean Hannity declared it a victory for Trump and demanded apologies from the FBI, democrats, and Woodward and Bernstein.

Unlike Sean Hannity, I actually read The Mueller Report. I know Sean Hannity didn’t read it because his name was mentioned three times and I’m pretty sure he’d be bitching about it if he knew.

Volume I of The Mueller Report covers the Russian interference in the 2016 election. While describing how Russia created fake social media accounts to influence the election, Mueller named some of the more high profile people who were fooled by Russian Twitter bots and retweeted fake information to their millions of followers. Those named were Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Jr. and Sean Motherfucking Hannity. Sean Hannity was the only “journalist” who didn’t find a tweet in broken English suspicious.

Somehow, members of the Lame Street Media weren’t duped by tweets such as:

We are “Gathering of the Good People” Just A American #DonaldTrump #Trump2016 You’re A American #realdonaldtrump America First #1”

Volume II of The Mueller Report covers the obstruction of justice case against Donald Trump. The June 9, 2016 Trump Tower meeting between Donald Trump, Jr., Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort and Russians claiming to have dirt on Hillary Clinton was discussed in great detail. Reince Priebus stated under oath that he learned of the meeting when Sean Hannity told him about it. This begs the question how did Sean Hannity know about the meeting before the president’s chief of staff? Could Hannity be a stellar investigative journalist who will stop at nothing to uncover the truth even if it’s detrimental to his president/BFF? The report does not answer this question, but I’m going to say no.

Volume II also discusses the Trump Tower Moscow project in great detail. Trump’s former attorney, Michael Cohen, will serve three years in a federal prison for lying to congress about the project. While drafting his lies with the aid of the president’s legal counsel, Cohen mentioned they could easily be proven false because he’d spoken about the Trump Tower Moscow project on Sean Hannity’s radio show. Trump’s counsel was all like, “Don’t worry about it. Trump loves you. You’ll be taken care of.”

Sean Hannity consistently defends Trump on his nightly Fox broadcast, crying of a broken justice system and a witch hunt gone afoul of the constitution. 


Now please excuse me while I write another open letter to Fox News viewers.

Dear Fox News Viewers,

Seriously. What the fuck does it take to get through to you?

Warm Wishes,
Donna Troy

If you didn’t spend the entire Easter weekend so engrossed in The Mueller Report that you said, “Shut up. I’m reading,” to your phone when it was trying to alert you of a tornado warning, I highly recommend you do so. It’s really long and you may expect it to be boring, but I normally burst into a state of utter panic if a funnel cloud has been spotted in a hundred mile radius of my location. The mere fact that I ignored a tornado warning should tell you it’s worth the read. Although, as a general rule you should never ignore a tornado warning. The majority of deaths that occur during a tornado can be attributed to people who ignored the warnings. And the most warning you can hope to get before a tornado strikes is six minutes. If you’re lucky. As you can plainly see I take this tornado shit very seriously.

If you don’t have time to read the full Mueller Report you can skip Volume I. Most of what’s in it is already public knowledge and what isn’t public knowledge has been redacted. I shall share with you the two most important things I learned in Volume I.

First, the Russians hired some dude to dress up as Santa, wear a Trump mask and walk around New York City. This isn’t so much important as it is creepy. And since reading it I’ve had some really fucked up dreams. And I don’t think I should be the only one bothered by this. So live with that image in your head.

Second, Mueller decided not to indict Donald Trump, Jr. and Jared Kushner for the Trump Tower meeting because in order to do so he would need to prove they willfully and knowingly broke the law. Mueller didn’t think it possible to convince a grand jury that Don Jr. and Kushner possess basic human intelligence.

Volume II is where it gets good. All the crazy impeachable shit is in Volume II. For instance, we all know Trump was super pissed because Jeff Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation. Trump tried to get him to “unrecuse” several times. “Unrecuse” is in quotation marks because it’s not a word. But that didn’t stop Trump from saying it. Several times. Sessions was unresponsive to Trump’s requests that he “unrecuse.” It is not known if his lack of response was due to legal reasons or if he simply didn’t know the definition of a word that does not exist.


With no response from Sessions, Trump called upon one of his most loyal sycophants, Corey Lewandowski. Lewandowski was Trump’s campaign manager from the beginning of the campaign through June 20, 2016. His most notable accomplishments during that time were physically assaulting a female reporter and physically assaulting a protester.

Trump summoned Lewandowski to the Oval Office and demanded he set up a meeting with Sessions. He was told to order Sessions to “unrecuse,” end the Russia investigation and open an investigation on Hillary Clinton. Trump directed Lewandowski to fire Jeff if he refused to meet with him. I found this to be the most enlightening part of the whole report. I had no idea a private citizen had the power to fire the Attorney General. Please excuse me while I write a termination letter to William Barr.

Dear Attorney General Barr,

Due to several false and misleading statements you’ve made to the American people, it has come to my attention that you may be obstructing justice in the obstruction of justice case against the President of the United States. In legal terms, I believe this is known as Double Obstruction or General Douchebaggery. In any event, I have no choice but to terminate your employment as Attorney General of the United States effective immediately.

Please be assured the president still loves you and will take care of you, just as he has taken care of other former employees who are currently serving federal prison sentences.

Good luck in all you future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Private Citizen, Donna Troy


It may come as no surprise to learn Trump has been unhappy with the news coverage of The Mueller Report with the exception of Fox News. The president spent the weekend at Mar-A-Lago with Rush Limbaugh. Because Trump doesn’t have the attention span to read anything longer than a tweet, Rush read the report to him. And also because he finds Limbaugh’s voice to be soothing in a bombastic windbag style similar to Trump’s own manner of speaking.

Through my super special top secret connections, I’ve learned Trump has been dictating a rebuttal to The Mueller Report to Rush Limbaugh, who aside from his career as one of the top radio assholes, also possesses excellent secretarial skills such as typing and taking dictation.

Here is an excerpt from The Trump Rebuttal for your reading pleasure:

The President Donald J. Trump Rebuttal of the Very Unfair Mueller Russia Witch Hunt

My fellow Americans, first of all no collusion. No collusion of any kind was found between me or my campaign and Russia interference. I have to say Robert Mueller was very honest about that. This has been a complete and total witch hunt from the very beginning. The dems were out to get me because they lost a campaign which they really should have won. But anyway, no collusion. No collusion of any kind. So in that respect I have to say Mueller was very fair, but in other respects, not so much.


Like this business where he said I said, “This is the end of my presidency. I’m fucked.” That was taken totally out of context, okay. Totally out of context, folks. I said it, but not because I was afraid of the special counsel. Because there was nothing for me to be afraid of. Because, as I’ve said many, many times, no collusion. So when I heard a special counsel had been appointed, I said it like, I said sarcastically. Like, “Oh my god. I’m sooo fucked.” So he took that out of context, like I said, to make it look like I had done something wrong when in fact, I said it because I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Mueller, he really, he took a lot of things out of context. Like this business with Jeff Sessions. I’ve been very transparent about that, folks. I always said he shouldn’t have recused and if he knew he was going to recuse he should have told me so I could appoint an unrecused attorney general. And people said to me, they said, “Mr. President, the attorney general’s job isn’t to protect you.” And I was like, “You think Bobby Kennedy didn’t protect Jack?” I mean, as far as investigations and witch hunts are concerned. Obviously Bobby didn’t protect him against everything because Jack got killed. And then Bobby got himself killed. And that’s the problem with democrats. They refuse to say radical Islamic terrorists. And it’s like, they don’t want to take a stand against terrorism. But if Bobby Kennedy had spent more time looking for terrorists and less time trying to break up the mafia, he would have seen that Siri Siri guy coming. And here we are like forty, fifty years later, something like that, and we still don’t know who killed Jack Kennedy. 


So it’s very important to me to have a strong attorney general who will protect the president. And I don’t have a brother who I can appoint as attorney general. My brother Fred is dead. And my brother Robert rescues horses, if you can believe it. I mean, what am I supposed to do with The Horse Whisperer for a brother? And I have two sisters, but they’re women.

Actually, and a lot of people don’t know this, but one of the reasons I appointed Bill Barr to replace Jeff Sessions is because I thought he was Roseanne Barr’s brother. I mean, he’s fat and he’s willing to ruin his career for me, so you know, there’s that similarity. And I figured if I couldn’t used my own brother, Roseanne’s brother would be a good choice. But, as it turns out, he’s not related to Roseanne at all, but he’s worked out. I think he’ll be known in history as one of the great attorney generals.

And this business about, did I try to fire Mueller? Look, I have the executive power to fire anyone if I think it’s the right thing to do. Now, ultimately, I decided to hold off and see where this whole Russia witch hunt thing – the thing is, sure, I discussed firing Mueller with some of my top senior advisers. But what you have to remember is, I talk about firing people every day. It’s part of my job as the top person in charge of things like that, like firing people. And really, it’s what the American people elected me to do. It’s what I’m known for. I’m known for, “you’re fired.” It’s like, it’s my catchphrase and when I was elected, my voters, they expected me to fire people and not be afraid of – oh I shouldn’t do this or I shouldn’t do that because it’s not politically correct or it doesn’t look good. But look, I’m okay with being not correct.

And the fake news media is making a big deal about this whole Don McGhan thing. Did I get upset because Don McGhan took notes? Sure I did. Look, I’ve had lawyers, for forty years I’ve had lawyers, and not once did I see them take notes. So why does this one lawyer start taking notes when I’m president? And this business of him saying something like, “Well, I’m a real lawyer.” Really? You think Bobby Kennedy was taking notes on Jack? You think there’s some big stack of notes in a basement somewhere on the Invasion of the Bay of Pigs? Of course there isn’t.



So why would Don McGhan be taking notes every time he talks to me? I’ll tell you, he probably wants to make a name for himself and he’s using Trump to do it. By the way, this happens when you’re famous and when you’re famous and become president, it’s like, everyone wants a piece of you. So, this McGhan guy he sells some off the cuff remark I made to Mueller and the failing New York Times does a story on it. And they’ll all make some money off of Trump. And so we’re considering a lawsuit. I’ve heard from many, many people that I should sue. They say this stuff with the White House counsel selling my information to Mueller is really unfair. It’s presidential harassment the likes of which no one has ever seen. And by the way, a lot of people don’t know this, but Mueller is making tremendous amounts of money with this whole report. It’s like a best seller. And that’s because of Trump. No one cares what Mueller has to say. Who ever heard of Mueller before Trump? People want to read about Trump. So, in a way, this is very good for me.


Now there’s this business of did I help Don Jr. with his statement about the Trump Tower Russia meeting. And I’m like, so what if I did? I really, I had no choice. Look, I gave him some responsibility and what he did was – he caused more problems with this whole Trump Russia hoax. Look, he took the meeting – and I can say that’s one thing Mueller was very fair about. He said Trump knows nothing. And that’s true. That I can tell you. And when this whole meeting thing became a thing in the press and Hope Hicks and Jared wanted to talk to me about it, I said to them, I said, “Look, I don’t want to know anything. Just leave it alone. I mean, I wasn’t at the meeting so why should I care?” And Hope was all like, “It looks bad. It looks really bad for Don Jr.” And I was all like, “You know, to be honest with you, he’s not even really one of my favorite kids. I could do without him if I’m being honest.”

Alas, even with the release of the damaging Mueller Report, Stupid Watergate continues. As of this writing Elizabeth Warren is the only elected official who has called for the impeachment of Trump. But do not despair for Real Watergate was just as stupid as Stupid Watergate.


Fun Fact: When the burglars broke into the Watergate Hotel they placed a lookout in the building across the street. The security guard at the Watergate noticed tape placed on several doors which prevented them from locking. Finding this to be suspicious, the guard called the police. The lookout missed the arrival of the police because he had become captivated by a movie on TV. And that movie was Attack of the Puppet People. True story.


When you feel all hope is lost, remember, Nixon was infinitely smarter than Trump. And Attack of the Puppet People took him down.


Namaste, Bitches

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