Saturday, May 11, 2019

The Feminine Mystique

Since the beginning of time all women have known one thing to be true: Men don’t know shit about the female body. Which would be fine if they just admit they don’t know shit and shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, the men who know the least amount of shit want to regulate shit. And Donna Troy is calling bullshit.

In Ohio, republican Men Who Don’t Know Shit introduced a bill to prevent doctors from removing the fetus in cases of life-threatening ectopic pregnancies. They also plan to ban private insurance companies from covering it by calling it an abortion and forcing them, instead, to cover a re-implantation procedure, regardless of the fact that no such procedure exists in medical science.

If you’re a man who doesn’t know shit, you may be thinking, “What the fuck is an ectopic pregnancy?” You won’t ask it because your male ego prevents you from admitting you don’t know shit. I shall explain anyway. An ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo is stuck in the fallopian tube instead of the womb. It cannot gestate. And if not removed, the fallopian tube will burst and the woman will die.

So the embryo can’t be saved. The mother could survive through a proven life saving surgery, but the law makers would rather give imaginary medicine a try. And if the woman dies, it’s her fault for getting pregnant wrong. 

This is Trump level willful ignorance. It’s like how he’s always claiming woman are having abortions at nine months. He says doctors are going around ripping out babies. I think he’s confusing abortion with giving birth.

Or how Men Who Don’t Know Shit think the morning after pill is an abortion pill. A woman can’t be pregnant the morning after. I don’t care how great you think your sperm is, it takes time to travel through the fallopian tubes. The morning after pill activates menstruation by pushing out the egg before the “super sperm” has time to find it. She didn’t have an abortion. She laid an egg.

Alabama is about to pass a near total ban on abortion, with no exceptions for rape or incest. I feel like this is one of those moments where we should all be like, “I’ll fight this all the way to the Supreme Court!” Then I remember there are two known sexual predators on the Supreme Court. And Alabama narrowly missed voting an admitted pedophile into congress. No matter how you feel about abortion, I think we can all agree Alabama should stop reproducing.

And now we come to Georgia. Georgia is banning abortion after the sixth week of pregnancy. If you’re a man who doesn’t know shit, you may be thinking, “Why can’t they get it done in six weeks?” I’ll tell you why. Because the sixth week of pregnancy is the exact moment when a woman pulls up her calendar and says, “Shit. When was my last period?” Any woman who has an abortion after six weeks can be charged with murder and faced with the death penalty. Even if she has the abortion performed in another state.

But wait. It gets better. Women can also be criminally charged for having a miscarriage if the woman is found to be at fault. You may be wondering what the hell they mean by that. Fuck if I know.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the pro-life people.

Dear Pro-Life People Who Don’t Know Shit,

I can’t help but notice a lot of these new pro-life laws result in the death of women. You can’t be a murderer and call yourself pro-life at the same time.

It’s like people who say they’re vegetarians, but they eat fish. They are not vegetarians. They are liars.

And if you keep letting women die willy-nilly, who the fuck are you going to rape and impregnate? You really need to prioritize your goals.

If you think life was better before Roe v. Wade, you should watch Dirty Dancing.

You don’t know shit. Shut the fuck up. Nobody puts baby in a corner.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Did I mention all these states trying to ban abortion also want to ban private insurance companies from covering birth control? Because that seems important.

This led me to the only logical solution, women should withhold sex. No pregnancy and Men Who Don’t Know Shit will get blue balls. It’s a win-win. However, when I took to Twitter this morning I discovered Alyssa Milano had already called for a sex strike. By the way, if you don’t already follow Alyssa Milano on Twitter you should. She’s bad ass. And she’s always on the right side of every issue. And by the right side, I mean my side. I think Alyssa Milano is my spirit animal.

Anyway, Alyssa Milano is calling it a sex strike, but I like to think of it as The Blue Ball Resistance.

This is how The Blue Ball Resistance Works. Ladies, don’t have sex. With men. If you’re a lesbian, have at it. And you can’t pull any loophole bullshit like some Christian teen who took an abstinence pledge. No blow jobs. No hand jobs. No dry humping. It’s the only way to teach shit to Men Who Don’t Know Shit.

Of course, The Blue Ball Resistance can’t prevent rape so be prepared to cut a motherfucker if you have to.

I’ve made it to the age for forty two without ever getting pregnant. Because I’ve never wanted to be pregnant. But as I find myself super fucking Hulk angry at the new abortion laws being passed, I want to get knocked up just to have an abortion. Then I shall shout those immortal words once spoken by the great philosopher, Cartman from South Park, “It’s my hot body. I’ll do what I want.”

Namaste, Bitches


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