Since the beginning of time all women
have known one thing to be true: Men don’t know shit about the
female body. Which would be fine if they just admit they don’t know
shit and shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, the men who know the least
amount of shit want to regulate shit. And Donna Troy is calling
bullshit.
In
Ohio, republican Men
Who
Don’t
Know
Shit
introduced a bill to prevent doctors from removing the fetus
in cases of life-threatening ectopic pregnancies. They
also plan to ban private
insurance companies from covering it by calling it an abortion and
forcing them, instead, to cover a re-implantation procedure,
regardless of the fact that no
such procedure exists in medical science.
If
you’re a man who doesn’t know shit, you may be
thinking, “What the fuck is an ectopic pregnancy?” You won’t
ask it because your male ego prevents you from admitting you don’t
know shit. I shall explain anyway. An ectopic pregnancy is when the
embryo is stuck in the fallopian tube instead of the womb. It cannot
gestate. And if not removed, the fallopian tube will burst and the
woman will die.
So
the embryo can’t be saved. The mother could survive through a
proven life saving surgery, but the law makers would rather give
imaginary medicine a try. And if the woman dies, it’s
her fault for getting pregnant wrong.
This
is Trump level willful ignorance. It’s like how he’s always
claiming woman are having abortions at nine months. He says doctors
are going around ripping out
babies. I think he’s
confusing abortion with giving birth.
Or
how Men
Who
Don’t
Know
Shit
think the morning after pill is an abortion pill. A woman can’t be
pregnant the morning after. I don’t care how great you think your
sperm is, it takes time to travel through the fallopian tubes. The
morning after pill activates menstruation by pushing out the egg
before the “super sperm” has time to find it. She didn’t have
an abortion. She laid an egg.
Alabama
is about to pass a near total ban on abortion, with no exceptions for
rape or incest. I feel like
this is one of those moments where we should all be like, “I’ll
fight this all the way to the Supreme Court!” Then I remember there
are two known sexual predators on the Supreme Court. And
Alabama narrowly missed voting an admitted pedophile into congress.
No matter how you feel about abortion, I think we can all agree
Alabama should stop reproducing.
And
now we come to Georgia. Georgia is banning abortion after the sixth
week of pregnancy. If you’re a man who doesn’t know shit, you may
be thinking, “Why can’t they get it done in six weeks?” I’ll
tell you why. Because the sixth week of pregnancy is the exact moment
when a woman pulls up her calendar and says, “Shit. When was my
last period?” Any woman who
has an abortion after six weeks can be charged with murder and faced
with the death penalty. Even if she has the abortion performed in
another state.
But
wait. It gets better. Women can also be criminally charged for having
a miscarriage if the woman is found to be at fault. You may be
wondering what the hell they
mean by that. Fuck if I know.
Please
excuse me while I write an open letter to the pro-life people.
Dear
Pro-Life People Who Don’t Know Shit,
I
can’t help but notice a lot of these new pro-life laws result in
the death of women. You can’t be a murderer and call yourself
pro-life at the same time.
It’s
like people who say they’re vegetarians, but they eat fish. They
are not vegetarians. They are liars.
And
if you keep letting women die willy-nilly, who the fuck are you going
to rape and impregnate? You really need to prioritize your goals.
If
you think life was better before Roe v. Wade, you should watch Dirty Dancing.
You
don’t know shit. Shut the fuck up. Nobody puts baby in a corner.
Kind
Regards,
Donna
Troy
Did
I mention all these states trying to ban abortion also want to ban
private insurance companies from covering birth control? Because
that seems important.
This
led me to the only logical solution, women should withhold sex. No
pregnancy and Men Who Don’t Know Shit will get blue balls. It’s a
win-win. However, when I took to Twitter this morning I discovered
Alyssa Milano had already called for a sex strike. By the way, if you
don’t already follow Alyssa Milano on Twitter you should. She’s
bad ass. And she’s always on the right side of every issue. And by
the right side, I mean my side. I think Alyssa Milano is my spirit
animal.
Anyway,
Alyssa Milano is calling it a sex strike, but I like to think of it
as The Blue Ball Resistance.
This
is how The Blue Ball Resistance Works. Ladies, don’t have sex. With
men. If you’re a lesbian, have at it. And you can’t pull any
loophole bullshit like some Christian teen who took an abstinence
pledge. No blow jobs. No hand jobs. No dry humping. It’s the only
way to teach shit to Men Who Don’t Know Shit.
Of
course, The Blue Ball Resistance can’t prevent rape so be prepared
to cut a motherfucker if you have to.
I’ve
made it to the age for forty two without ever getting pregnant.
Because I’ve never wanted to be pregnant. But as I find myself
super fucking Hulk angry at the new abortion laws being passed, I
want to get knocked up just to have an abortion. Then I shall shout
those immortal words once spoken by the great philosopher, Cartman
from South Park, “It’s my hot body. I’ll do what I want.”
Namaste,
Bitches
