Saturday, January 27, 2018

That's Some Weird Shit

George W. Bush used to be the worst spoken president in United States history. Obviously, Trump has since claimed the title. I recently read both Hillary Clinton's book, What Happened and Michael Wolff's book, Fire and Fury. Both books made note of Bush's response to Trump's creepy “American Carnage” inauguration speech. Bush said simply, “That was some weird shit.” For the first time I found myself laughing with W. and not at him. However, he's still not excused for this: “There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.”

Speaking of fools, Donald Trump has been working on a review/rebuttal to Fire and Fury. Through my super special secret society connections, I've obtained a copy for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.

Only A Total Loser Would Read This Book, by President Donald J. Trump

Folks, first of all, I didn't read this book. Only a loser would. People are saying, “Oh no, Trump can't read. He doesn't use a teleprompter. His aides tell him what's in the newspaper.” I'm like a smart guy, okay. Let me just tell you, I read as little as possible, okay. It's bad for your eyes. No one wants to see a president wearing reading glasses. It looks weak. The president cannot look weak. So I had my top aide, Hope Hicks, read the book and tell me what's in it. She's also typing up this review. She's one of the great, great typists. We're going to post this on Amazon. Jesus, Hope, you weren't supposed to type that. I'm telling you we're going to post this on Amazon. I know I said to type everything I say, but also, don't. No, I don't want you to post it now. We just started. If you weren't a such great piece of ass, you'd be out of here.

First of all, I've never met Michael Wolff. That I can tell you. I've never spoken to him. I couldn't even tell you what that Dr. Evil-looking motherfucker looks like. He claims I reached out to him because I liked what he said about me on CNN. And perhaps, if he said something nice about me, I said something nice to him. But probably not. I don't watch CNN. It's fake news and I wouldn't trust someone on CNN just because he said something nice about me. But I would say something nice about someone who said something nice about me because I'm like a nice guy. I really am. People think, “Oh, Trump is so tough because he's in real estate and now he's in politics.” And yeah, I'm tough, but also, I'm very nice. I get along with everyone. I'm like one of the great, if not the greatest, communicator. And that's what people love about me.

Now that this book has come out, written by a man no one has heard of before. And I'm like, where did this guy come from? He could have been living in a basement in Iowa making this up for all anyone knows. And I've heard Clinton and Obama may have paid him to write this book. That's what I'm hearing. People are telling me this. What a couple of sore losers. 

Anyway, no one wants anything to do with Sloppy Steve Bannon anymore. This guy is finished. And now he wants back in. He's all, “I'm so sorry, Mr. Trump. My words were taken out of context. I never meant to offend you.” I couldn't believe it, folks. I mean, this guy was, like, on his knees begging. It was like, it was incredible. And I was like, “Steve, I can't. I just can't take you back. I'd lose all credibility. I've only ever hired one person back and that was LaToya Jackson. You're no LaToya Jackson, Steve.” And I said, “Besides, according to the book, which is all lies, you accepted a job offer from Roger Ailes while you were still working for Trump. Yeah, I know all about that, Steve. You, Ailes, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity were going to start your own network. What a genius move that was. Roger Ailes was dead before he fucking died.”

Let me tell you, I am going to sue the pants off this Wolff guy. When my lawyers get through with him, he'll be so poor he'll be playing golf on a public course. No one will ever hire him again once they know how he lied about Trump. Not even fake news CNN or the failing New York Times will have anything to do with him. And, you may not know this folks, I own the copyright to fire and fury. I said it long before this clown ever wrote a book. I said if North Korea makes any more threats they will be met with a fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen. I told my attorneys to trademark it right after the press conference. It was the first thing I said to them. I said to them, I said, “Did you hear that? Fire and fury. That was brilliant. Make sure I own that.” 

What do you mean that was in the book, Hope? That I trademarked the phrase? Oh, that I said it. So he admits Trump said it. Perfect, there's my copyright infringement case right there. Shut the fuck up, Hope. If Trump says he owns the copyright then Trump owns the copyright. I can do without your input. You didn't get this job because of your brains. Believe me.

Now, first of all, this Wolff guy claims I don't like the people who work for me and they don't like me. I couldn't believe it, folks. It was a total lie. Could not believe it. Trump hires the best people and they all love Trump. Isn't that right, Hope? Go ahead and take a moment to tell the people what it's like to work for Trump. Okay, Mr. Trump, I'm totally doing that. Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy and z, now I know my ABCs... Yeah, I'm done. Good. Now the people will know the truth.

This guy is also saying Jared and Ivanka have too much influence and are inexperienced. I'm like, so what? They're no more inexperienced than I am and I won the election. And Sloppy Steve Bannon is trying to take credit for my election. His name wasn't on the ballot. It was all Trump. And Sloppy Steve told this writer guy Ivanka is dumb. Of all my kids, Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, the other girl and Melania's anchor baby, Ivanka is by far the smartest. That I can tell you. Of course, I would bring my smartest kid into the White House. She brings a lot to the table. She brings Jared, who is friends with Rupert Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch is one of the greats. 

And yeah, sometimes I take their advice and sometimes it's not so good. Remember The Mooch? That was Jared's and Ivanka's genius hire. So I give Jared some busy work like creating peace in the middle east. This way he stops monopolizing Murdoch's time and Trump and Murdoch can do some real work.  But look, I wouldn't be the president I am today without my daughter and my son-in-law at my side. But, also, I probably wouldn't mind if they decided to go back to New York and sell handbags.  

And first of all, this Wolff guy, who I never met, and Sloppy Steve are trying to bust my balls over Roger Ailes. They're all like, “Trump wasn't loyal to Ailes. Ailes made Trump and Trump ditched him for Rupert Murdoch.” First of all, Trump was huge long before he ever met Roger Ailes. Every time I was on Fox News the ratings were huge. If anything, Ailes wasn't loyal to me. He went and got himself fired. Only losers get fired. I've never once been fired from a job. I don't have time for a loser who's not even running a network. What good is he to me? 

And then, they're all like, “Trump didn't say anything when Ailes died. He didn't even call his wife.” What was I supposed to do? Call up Beth Ailes and be like, “So sorry you're husband fucked around and publicly humiliated you and slipped and fell in the shower. It's such a tragedy to lose a husband too stupid to take a shower without killing himself.” Please. He left her everything. She's worth billions. Beth Ailes is fine. She doesn't need anything from Trump. Believe me.

So first of all, Michael Wolff, who could be Steve Bannon in disquise for all I know, and Sloppy Steve say Trump is always talking in the third person. What the hell does that even mean? Like Trump has multiple personalities or something? Are they trying to say I'm like Sybil, which is a great movie by the way. Such a shame that Sally Field never won an Oscar and they're always giving them to overrated Meryl Streep. For fuck's sake, Hope, I don't need you to tell me how many Oscars Sally Field has. I don't remember her ever winning one and I have like, one of the great, great memories. And believe me, they don't give Oscars to Gidget.

First of all, Michael Wolff, who I've never spoken to in my entire life, and Sloppy Steve said in this horrible book, which no one is buying, by the way – it's not even on the failing New York Times best seller list, which The Art of The Deal was at the top of for something like two years, I think. Anyway, they say I'm easily distracted and I'm always repeating myself. Let me just tell you, folks, I do not repeat myself. I'll say it again. I do not repeat myself. But when you're in sales, sometimes you have to repeat yourself. You have to get the message out and the best way to do that is by repetition. And right now, I'm the biggest salesman for the United States of America. I'm selling MAGA. Make American Great Again, folks. Make America Great Again. It's an excellent business technique. If that Shakespeare wannabe and Sloppy Steve had ever read The Art of the Deal, the biggest selling non-fiction book of all time, they would know this. I shouldn't even be hiring people who haven't read The Art of The Deal. Make a note of that, Hope. We will only consider cabinet positions for applicants who own a copy of The Art of The Deal. I don't care who the fuck thinks it's a conflict of interest, Hope. I've already said the president has no conflicts of interest. And since I'm the president, done deal.

Now first of all, Shakespeare Wolff, who has never been in the Oval Office, and Sloppy Steve claim I had a three way with a porn star named Stormy Daniels and a shark. I'm like, how is that even possible? I wouldn't even know where to begin to look for a shark's vagina. Not that I'd want to. I hate sharks. But if we could somehow locate the shark vagina, perhaps we could find a way to make them sterile and rid the world of sharks once and for all. Wouldn't that be something? Of course, the fake news would never give Trump credit for ridding the world of sharks. They'd be all like, “Trump killed all the sharks and caused global warming.” How stupid can people be to think global warming is real? It's January and the current temperature, according to Hope's iPhone, is sixty-five degrees. I'd call that global luke-warming. Hardly anything to worry about, folks.

Anyway, this ridiculous story about a porn star and a shark is completely false. And I'd never fuck a porn star bareback. That I can tell you. I'm like a very germ aware person. Also, people are telling me that Stormy Daniels isn't even her real name. That's what I'm hearing. What do you mean none of this was in the book, Hope? Then why did you tell me about it? I never told you to keep me updated on the news. And even if I did-  What magazine? In Touch. Never heard of it. The only magazine I want to know about is Time. And maybe People. And definitely Playboy in case I need to find a new first lady. 

Now first of all, Shakespeare, who's never spoken to any member of my cabinet, and Sloppy Steve have alluded that I may be having an affair with Hope Hicks, and possibly, Nikki Haley. Am I having an affair with Nikki Haley? Possibly. But then again, maybe not. They said Melania and I don't sleep in the same bedroom. And I'm like, why would we? It's three in the morning and Hope is in my bedroom now. We wouldn't be able to get any work done with Melania here. And quite frankly, once she had that anchor baby she lost all interest in sex. And really, that's okay. Let's just say I have plenty of other options, okay. Is Nikki Haley one of them? Maybe. Is Hope? The night's still young, folks.

They also said Ivanka doesn't like Melania. And maybe there's some truth to that. She's always saying to me, “Daddy, why can't you date someone your own age?” Come on. What would I want with a seventy year-old woman? Like, who gets turned on by grandmothers? It's sick.

Okay, first of all, Shakespeare claims he got all the information for his book by speaking to everyone in the White House. It's a complete lie. The only person who spoke to him, and I know this for a fact, is Sloppy Steve Bannon. That's what I'm hearing all over. People are telling me this. Bannon is just angry because I fired him. Bannon thought he was smarter than Trump. Okay. That guy caused me so many headaches. I can't even begin to tell you. 

First of all, he pushed to get Jeff Sessions in as attorney general. I promised that to Giuliani. But Bannon was all like, “Oh, Mr. Trump, Giuliani will never get confirmed. Trust me. Beauregard is your man. You won't be sorry.” So we get Sessions in and the first thing he does – the very first thing – is recuse himself from the Russia investigation. What good is this guy to me? If Rudy was in there the Russia story wouldn't even be, like, a thing. Rudy was the only one who stood by me when the Access Hollywood tape came out. That wasn't my voice, by the way. It was faked just like the moon landing. These things can be faked. You can't believe anything, folks. Believe me. There's all kinds of technology and such.

Don't even get me started on Steve Bannon and Russia. Squeaky Clean Steve is terrified to get his hands the tiniest bit dirty with Russia. He thinks he's so tough, but trust me, any time Russia is mentioned the man runs screaming out of the room. I hate to say it, but he's really such a pussy. Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode where there's a fire and George goes running to the exit and knocks down women and children to save himself? That's what Steve is like every time someone mentions Russia. I've never seen anything like it. 

Sloppy Steve is also very, very squeamish around the FBI. I couldn't even tell him when I made up my mind to fire James Comey because I was afraid he'd piss his pants. Steve was all like, “Mr. Trump, you can't fire the FBI director. You'll be impeached.” And I said to him. I said, “How could I be impeached? I'm the president. I own the FBI. Boy, you really need to calm down, Steve. Jared thinks it's a good idea. Ivanka thinks it's a good idea. It's not like Herbert Hoover is running the FBI anymore. This Comey guy- he's such a waste.” 

Then Steve says to me, he says, “J. Edgar.” And I'm like, What the hell are you talking about? J. Edgar Who? And he's like J. Edgar Hoover was the FBI director. And I'm like, no, excuse me, Steve, but we're in the White House. There's a picture of Herbert Hoover in one of the hallways. I have what's called a very good brain. The name plate is engraved very clearly with the the name, Herbert Hoover. And then Steve says to me, “Whatever.” 

You should have seen this guy's office. It was stacked to the ceiling with all these books about American history and he doesn't even know who the hell Herbert Hoover is.  Believe me, if reading made you smart, Steve would still have a job. And people are worried about can Trump read. 
Namaste, Bitches


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