Saturday, March 28, 2020

Nowhere To Run

Please do not take medical advice from a man who looked directly at a solar eclipse.” - Hillary Clinton

Wise words, Hillary.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Trump supporters.

Dear Terminally Stupid Dipshits,

Obviously, you were never going to care about the plethora of crimes against humanity Trump has committed over the last three years. I don’t know why you feel threatened by brown babies, but you do and are therefore, totally cool with baby internment camps.

However, despite all the misplaced faith you’ve put into this conniving hustler, I regret to inform you he does not have the power to assign an arbitrary deadline to a global pandemic. Cancel your Easter plans.

Donald Trump does not care if you live or die. And quite frankly, neither do I.

Best Wishes.
Donna Troy

Speaking of baby internment camps, I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone they still exist. While the rest of us are fighting over toilet paper, there are babies in cages not receiving adequate healthcare.

Also, if you’re still struggling with the toilet paper shortage, I’ve found guilting your mom into mailing you all of her toilet paper is the easiest and most reliable solution. Of course, I have colitis, which is hereditary. The fact that I require more toilet paper than the average person is kind of on her. If you don’t have a legit reason to blame your mom for your toilet paper needs, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.

Because America has an over abundance of stupid people, and we know this because President Donald Trump, fighting for toilet paper doesn’t even make my list of the dumbest reactions to the Coronavirus. And because some of the stupid people who’ve said stupid things are way overdue for my wrath, I shall share my list with you now.

Donna Troy’s List of People Who Should Fear The Reaper

Kim Kardashian – Kim Kardashian read a book. I know. I was surprised too. Unfortunately, the book she read was written by the late “psychic” Sylvia Browne. Brown predicted an illness would spread around the world in the year 2020 and then vanish as quickly as it came. Kardashian felt the need to immediately share this fact based information with her numerous Twitter followers. As a result of this, Sylvia Browne’s book sales have soared on Amazon.

Kim Kardashian encouraging more people to read would be heartwarming if she hadn’t encouraged them to read total bullshit.

Sylvia Browne also predicted aliens would come to Earth in 2010 and reveal how they built the pyramids. While that would be cool as hell, it clearly didn’t happen.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say psychics aren’t real, but apparently I do. Psychics aren’t real. Ghosts aren’t real either just in case anyone was confused about that. A quick Google search of Sylvia Browne will reveal she was a total fraud who was caught in numerous lies and actually arrested and charged with fraud. 

Please do not take medical advice from a dead psychic who incorrectly predicted her own death.

And please do not take medical advice from a reality star who only has seventeen percent of her original body parts.

Dr. Drew Pinsky – I didn’t even know he was still a thing, but it appears he still has a radio show. Anyway, the good doctor is against the stay at home orders and is actively encouraging people to go about their normal routines. To be fair, he did say if you’re sick you should stay home. And to be even fairer, most people don’t need a doctor to tell them that.

Dr. Drew claims the flu is more dangerous and he blames the media for spreading fear in order to gain ratings.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Dr. Drew.

Dear Dr. Drew,

Now, I’m no doctor. I know you’re probably thinking, “Don’t sell yourself short, Donna. You’re every bit as qualified as I am to dispense medical advice.” That’s where you’re wrong. I believe I’m more qualified than you are.

For one thing, I know there is a vaccine for the flu unlike the Coronavirus. I also know the flu tends to be seasonal and we don’t know enough about the Coronavirus to conclude if it will pass with the changing of seasons. And I further know people who were asymptomatic have died from said virus. So just staying home if you feel sick, doesn’t seem to cut it.

And while you’re blaming the media on your radio show, you should know having a radio show makes you the media.

Perhaps, you’re feeling a bit of resentment toward the television media because CNN canceled your show in 2016. Because you not once, but twice made wild and false speculations about the state of Hillary Clinton’s health based on both the solid reporting of Sean Hannity and your educated medical opinion that she took too long in the bathroom.

Please go back to doing what you do best. And that is exploiting people with serious drug problems on VH1 until they inevitably overdose while under your care.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Please do not take medical advice from TV doctors who don’t seem to spend much time doing any actual doctoring.

And please do not take medical advice from any doctor who doesn’t know women take longer in the bathroom than men. That’s just basic anatomy.

Rob Schneider – It just so happens Dr. Drew had a celebrity guest on his program while he was laying the groundwork for a medical malpractice suit. And that guest was former SNL star Rob Schneider. According to Schneider, the quarantines arenothing more than political stunts by elected officials seeking the spotlight.” Kind of like of going on a radio show and spouting conspiracy theories is nothing more than a publicity stunt by a has-been mediocre comedian seeking the spotlight.

Schneider further stated he was defying the California stay at home order and taking his wife out to dinner. Which is an obvious lie because the restaurants are all closed. And also, I find it hard to believe he has a wife. He couldn’t have made enough money from those Deuce Bigalow movies to attract even a low-rent gold digger.

If you’re too young to have watched SNL in the early nineties, you may be wondering who the fuck Rob Schneider is. He was known for doing a character known as The Richmeister, an office worker who annoys people by giving them nicknames as they make copies. And now you may be wondering why that was funny. It wasn’t. Calling him a mediocre comedian was very generous of me.

Please do not take medical advice from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.

JerryFalwell, Jr. - I shall now quote Reverend Falwell’s take on the Coronavirus. “You remember the North Korean leader promised a Christmas present for America? Could it be they got together with China and this is that present? I don’t know.”

No, you don’t know. So shut the fuck up.

Please do not take any advice from… well, he’s not really offering advice. So I guess, just ignore him.

Madonna – I found myself on Madonna’s Twitter page because Weird Al retweeted a stupid video she made of herself attempting to sing a parody of Vogue which she fucked up. Weird Al tweeted, “See? It’s not as easy as it looks.” Madonna’s song was about how she was about to eat fried fish because she’d already gone through her quarantine supply of sushi. It wasn’t so much a parody in the humorous Weird Al style. It was more Madonna listing the contents of her freezer.

Scrolling down her Twitter page I came upon a video of Madonna in her bathtub talking about how Coronavirus is the great equalizer. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, if you’re famous or whatever you call the non-famous. Anyone can get it.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Madonna.

Dear Madonna,

Bitch, you’re not deep. What you said is true of any illness. What is not equal is access to testing and quality healthcare. That still favors the rich and famous.

Remember how Magic Johnson tested positive for HIV back when it was still an automatic death sentence? And remember how he’s not dead thirty years later? Dying of a treatable ailment is what we call poor people problems.

And while I’ve got you’re attention, stop doing yoga on stage and calling it dancing. It’s boring. Just admit you are a person of limited talent and you’ve run out of ideas.

Also, if I’d had a blog in 1992 I would have told you Vogueing isn’t dancing either.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Please do not encourage Madonna. Bitch needs to retire.

Glenn Beck – A wise woman once said that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. That’s a message that really resonates with Glenn Beck who has chosen death over poverty. And I quote, “I would rather have my children stay home and all of us who are over fifty go in and keep this economy going and working. Even if we all get sick, I would rather die than kill the country.”

Now, I’m no economist, but neither is Glenn Beck. So I’ve got to say I don’t think this is a sound economic plan. If all the old people go out and get sick I don’t see how they’re going to accomplish a lot of productive work. And Glenn Beck is the host of a radio show. That’s not really a job that improves a sluggish economy.

Please do not take financial advice from a man with no marketable skills. Although, I must admit I really like the part of the plan that results in the death of Glenn Beck.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Mad Rush

I saw a meme once which read something like, “Once you hate a person, everything they do annoys you. Look at the bitch over there eating crackers like she owns the place.” I didn’t watch The State of The Union the night it aired because I had a horrible migraine and I didn’t feel like watching that bitch eat crackers like he owns the place.

I turned on the news after The State of The Union and was tempted to go online and watch it after I saw Nancy Pelosi tear up the speech like a total boss bitch. However, my head still hurt and nine out of ten doctors agree that prolonged exposure to Donald Trump can cause headaches, dizziness and nausea.

The previous day I relayed the breaking news of Rush Limbaugh’s terminal lung cancer to my roommate, Dee Dee On The Street. And she said, “That’s because God don’t like ugly. And if you don’t believe in God, karma’s a bitch. And if you don’t believe in karma, no matter how you slice the pie, bitch gonna get cut.”

During the SOTU, Trump bestowed the Presidential Medal of Freedom unto Rush Limbaugh. Now I gotta cut a bitch.

It may seem cold to unleash my wrath upon a man who is terminally ill. But whenever someone dies people always regret not telling the person how they felt about them when they were alive. And I’ve been living with that deep regret for three years. Yes, three years ago on this very blog site I told Roger Ailes that I was coming for him. And sadly, Ailes died in a freak shower accident before I had a chance to slay that motherfucker.

Every day since then I’ve second guessed my decision to delay unleashing my wrath upon Roger Ailes. The election was happening and it consumed my every blog. I thought there would be more time. Perhaps, I should have known Roger Ailes was incapable of showering properly. He was a filthy motherfucker after all. He’d probably spent three decades forcing blonde sleeveless Fox News “reporters” to sponge him off in his office. 

But alas, it doesn’t matter. For he is dead and I will never get the chance to tell the filthy motherfucker how much contempt I hold in my heart for him. Because of this I have vowed not to let Rush Limbaugh die without telling him how much of a repugnant piece of shit I think he is.

You may be asking, “Donna, what makes you think Rush Limbaugh will even read your blog?” To that I say, he probably won’t. However, the Internet is a mysterious and wondrous place. I’ve never tagged Scott Baio in a tweet, nor commented on any tweet he’s posted. Yet, Scott Baio has blocked me on Twitter. Of course, I have mercilessly ridiculed him and called him a pedophile in my blogs and on Twitter. So it’s not surprising that he wouldn’t want to read something I’ve written. I do find it surprising that he may have actually read something I’ve written. 

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Scott Baio.

Dear Chachi,

Dude, I have more than one Twitter account.

You can run, but you can’t hide.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Knowing that I got under Chachi’s skin means I will have no regrets when he dies. That motherfucker can drop dead at any time and I’ll be fine. Which is all that really matters.

As you may know, it is common practice for media outlets to produce obituaries of notable public figures in advance. Though it has been my practice to accuse Donald Trump of murdering such notables in lieu of writing obituaries, I have chosen to make an exception in Limbaugh’s case.

My fellow Americans, blog followers and Rush Limbaugh, please enjoy the following:

Rush Limbaugh Dies – The Weary World Rejoices

December 24, 2020

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh died today. Idiots around the nation are mourning the loss of the man they called, “The Voice of the Willfully Ignorant.” The smarter parts of the nation are rejoicing as the title suggests.

President-Elect Donna Troy, whose name is being used as a place holder until a clear democratic front runner emerges, stated that one of her first official acts will be to rescind the Presidential Medal of Freedom awarded to Limbaugh. “It’s an insult to all other recipients. Rush Limbaugh will not be included along side such meritorious examples of humanity as Mother Teresa, Maya Angelou, Helen Keller and Mister Rogers or my name’s not Donna Troy.”

Born somewhere in nineteen fifty-something, young Rush dreamed of becoming a TV star like his idol, the chimp from the Today Show. Despite either the inability or unwillingness to read, Rush managed to barely graduate high school. He then set off to fulfill his dream of working in television, but his dream was quickly dashed. In a world where Donald Trump would one day become the host of a hit TV show, Limbaugh was deemed too ugly and unlikable for TV. 

Limbaugh swore he would devote the rest of his life to exacting revenge upon the mainstream media. This dream would not see fruition either as the mainstream media treated him as a joke until the day he died and will most likely continue to do so long after his death.

With a TV career no longer a viable option, Rush followed in the footsteps of such ugly unlikable men as Howard Stern and Don Imus, and turned to radio. It was in radio where Rush found his voice. It was the voice of the loud, obnoxious, inebriated uncle everyone desperately tries to avoid at Thanksgiving. He quickly amassed a following of loud, obnoxious, inebriated uncles being desperately avoided by their families.

Throughout his disreputable career, Limbaugh made a name for himself by making bold statements that have been deemed ugly and unlikable.
He once stated "the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons." In an unprecedented move the Bloods and the Crips released a joint statement in response. “We find the words of Rush Limbaugh to be irresponsible, reprehensible and overtly racist. He is nothing more than a school yard bully who never grew up and his comments should not be given any credence.”

The joint statement from the rival gangs was especially surprising as it has been reported no one in either gang had even heard of Rush Limbaugh prior to this event. It is believed they heard the news from a neighbor who told them, “Yo, some old white dude’s been talking some shit.”

Limbaugh outraged women everywhere when he dismissed the concept of sexual consent. Limbaugh defended his comments by saying, “No woman has ever said yes to me and I’m not a virgin. So there you go.” 

Limbaugh was also a vocal critic of feminism stating that feminism "was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society." Much the same way radio was established so as to allow unattractive men easier access to the mainstream of society.

He was an outspoken critic of the scientific consensus on climate change, calling it "just a bunch of scientists.” In fact, it was his reluctance to believe in science which ultimately led to his untimely death. Limbaugh’s doctors advised him years ago he would live longer if he exercised, ate better, and stopped doing drugs and having unprotected rape, but he refused to heed their warnings.

In October 2006, Limbaugh said Michael J. Fox had exaggerated the effects of his Parkinson’s Disease in an advertisement advocating for funding of stem cell research. Limbaugh said that Fox had been "shameless" in "moving all around and shaking." It is believed Limbaugh was simply jealous because Fox had been deemed attractive and likable enough to have a TV career.

When reached for comment, Fox replied,

On October 5, 1995, Limbaugh stated, "too many whites are getting away with drug use." He further stated "Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up."

In October, 2003, Limbaugh was investigated for illegally obtaining oxycodone and hydrocodone. On his radio show, Limbaugh admitted to illegally obtaining the drugs and being a straight up addict. He was never charged with a crime. This prompted many in the mainstream media to comment, “too many whites are getting away with drug use.”

In June 2006, Limbaugh was detained at an airport when customs officials found Viagra in his luggage. The prescription was not in Limbaugh’s name. Drug officials found this perplexing as it is not difficult to obtain a Viagra prescription, prompting one officer to say to Limbaugh, “Dude, how limp is your dick if a doctor looked at it and declared it a lost cause?”

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, October 27, 2019

To Catch a Predator

Two years ago I wrote a blog about the Me Too movement entitled, “Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit.” The morning after I posted that blog my phone alerted me to the breaking news that NBC had fired Matt Lauer. And I thought to myself, “Son of a bitch. So many perverts deserving of my wrath. So little time.”

I’ve been itching to unleash my wrath upon Matt Lauer ever since. Actually, I’ve been itching to unleash my wrath upon Matt Lauer ever since the whole Ann Curry thing, but I didn’t have a blog then. Fortunately, Ronan Farrow has written a book, “Catch and Kill,” about his investigation of the Harvey Weinstein story for NBC News. If you haven’t read the book, you may be wondering what Harvey Weinstein has to do with Matt Lauer. I shall tell you. NBC executives sat on several sexual harassment stories because of the Matt Lauer of it all.

In 2016, the Washington Post broke the story of the now infamous Access Hollywood Grab ‘Em By The Pussy Tape. In 2005, Donald Trump was the host of The Apprentice, an NBC show. He was making a cameo on Days of Our Lives, an NBC show. Billy Bush was filming some backstage shit for Access Hollywood, an NBC show. This is when the “grab ‘em by the pussy” audio was captured. In 2016, Trump was a candidate for president and Billy Bush was hosting the third hour of the Today show, an NBC show.

If it seems like NBC News was in a better position to break this story than The Washington Post, it’s because it was. NBC reporters had the tape for weeks, but were not allowed to report it. NBC executives were all like, “We must protect Billy Bush. He hosts the third hour of the Today show.” And the reporters were all like, “No one knows there is a third hour of the Today show. Besides, Billy Bush is just a white Mario Lopez. Mario Lopez is a completely unnecessary person. A white Mario Lopez is certainly expendable.” And the executives were all like, “Wasn’t Mario Lopez accused of date rape twenty years ago? You can report on that if you want. Wait. No. We might need Mario Lopez to replace Billy Bush if things don’t go our way.”

A month later, The Washington Post, feeling no obligation to protect Billy Bush, released the tape. The NBC executives then said, “Well, we’ve protected Billy Bush long enough. Time to fire his ass.”

Clearly, NBC wasn’t all that invested in Billy Bush. They had a much more popular Today host/sexual predator to protect. And for that reason, they were skittish about setting a precedent of holding Today hosts accountable for creepy pervert behavior.

While all this Billy Bush bullshit was going on, Ronan Farrow, then an investigative reporter for NBC News, was working on a story exposing movie producer and mega-predator, Harvey Weinstein. NBC executives, feeling no obligation to protect someone who has never hosted the Today show, gave Farrow the green light to go forth and research the story.

Ronan spoke to several women willing to go on record about Weinstein’s abuse. He even uncovered a recording of Weinstein admitting to sexually assaulting a woman. Rose McGowan claimed Weinstein raped her when she was working on a movie he produced. McGowan then told her co-star, Ben Affleck. To which Affleck replied, “God damn it. I told him to stop doing that.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Ben Affleck.

Dear Ben Affleck,

Really? You told a rapist to stop and that didn’t work? You see, Ben, rapists rarely respond to the word, stop. That’s rather common behavior among rapists. Telling a rapist to stop raping doesn’t make you a good person. In fact, you clearly knew he was a rapist and continued working with him. That makes you a pervert enabler.

By the way, you were the worst Batman ever. Val Kilmer was a better Batman than you. And everyone reading this had completely forgotten Val Kilmer played Batman before reading the previous sentence.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

So Ronan Farrow returns to NBC with a list of victims, witnesses, documents and recordings all corroborating the whole Harvey Weinstein is a rapist thing. The NBC executives said, “Let’s pump the brakes on this right now. We need to have the legal department go through everything.” That seemed reasonable enough to Farrow. He took all the Weinstein shit to legal. They went through it and said, “Yep. All clear. Go forth and report.”

Farrow returned to the NBC executives with the all clear from legal. And the executives were all like, “Yeah… so we’re concerned people may think you have an ax to grind because of the Woody Allen of it all.” And Ronan was all like, “This is bullshit. The Woody Allen of it all has been public knowledge for twenty years. You knew about the Woody Allen of it all when you put me on the story.”

Ronan didn’t know at the time that NBC was using the Woody Allen of it all as a poor excuse to kill the story. Harvey Weinstein had hired numerous pervert enablers to trash his accusers and the reporters interviewing said accusers. The pervert enablers had threatened to expose the Matt Lauer of it all if NBC reported the Weinstein story.

(If you are unfamiliar with the Woody Allen of it all, please refer to Access Hollywood: Special Victims Unit.)

While Ronan Farrow was getting the run around from NBC, NBC was engaged in some fucked up Pervert versus Pervert fight with the National Enquirer. Weinstein, like many a rapist before him, (Trump), had formed a special friendship with David Pecker, the CEO of AMI, which is the parent company of the National Enquirer and other such trash. The Pecker did all kinds of shit to protect his rapist friends, such as holding on to dirt for a rainy day. Dirt such as Matt Lauer’s proclivity toward rape. Thus, it came to pass that the National Enquirer was able to dictate what NBC News could report.

I would now like to take a moment to address the pervert enablers of both Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer. The amount of time and money that went into shielding both these rapists is just plain stupid. In addition to the millions of dollars in shut up money, the attorney fees, the creation of non-disclosure agreements and the attempts at shaming victims, NBC has hired people to constantly edit Wikipedia to remove any mention of Matt Lauer as a rapist. And Weinstein hired some Israeli spy agency to discredit victims and reporters on his behalf. True Story. Surely one of the pervert enablers must have thought to himself, “Working with Israeli spies seems a bit much. Perhaps, all the effort put into protecting this one movie producer isn’t really worth it.”

For that matter, why the fuck was NBC so worried about losing Matt Lauer? The Today show has been on the air since 1952. 

It survived for forty-five years before Matt Lauer came along and perved it up. Matt Lauer is not essential to the success of the Today show. Hell, they had a chimp co-host the show for four years. Fact.

Back to Ronan Farrow. Unable to report at NBC News, he took the Weinstein story to The New Yorker where the story was published. All the time, money, effort and Israeli spies in the world were unable to protect Harvey Weinstein. He is currently under house arrest while awaiting trial for rape. I don’t know if Israeli spies have any kind of refund policy, but Harvey should look into it.

The New Yorker story put NBC into a bit of a pickle. They now had no choice but to report the story. And most importantly, they had to come up with a believable reason as to why an NBC reporter did not report this story on NBC. They were unable to do so.

Matt Lauer was always a bit of prick on air. In the two weeks prior to his firing, he went into super prick mode. It was quite obvious Matt Lauer knew his number was up and he was sulky about it like many a rapist before him (Brett Kavanaugh). He interviewed Corey Feldman, who had been molested as a child. Matt was all like, “Look, Corey Feldman. No one cares if you were diddled as a child. Shut up and take it, slut.” He was so nasty that people who don’t even like Corey Feldman were overcome with the need to take to Twitter and defend Corey Feldman. Because picking on someone for being sexually assaulted as a child is just cold. And if you must pick on Corey Feldman, his bizarre singing and dancing provides ample material to do so. 

NBC fucked their credibility with the Access Hollywood tape. They fucked their credibility with the Harvey Weinstein story. Their own reporters were attacking NBC. Both Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow defended Ronan Farrow’s reporting and trashed their employer, NBC News, live on MSNBC. NBC executives finally realized all the effort put into protecting this one Today host wasn’t really worth it. Thus, it came to pass that NBC fired Matt Lauer for being an anal rapist. 

However, NBC missed a major opportunity to salvage their waning credibility. While conducting exhaustive research for this blog, I discovered the chimp who hosted the Today show in the Fifties may still be alive. Had NBC replaced Matt Lauer with a chimp that would have sent a very strong message that NBC does not support anal rapists.

Although, NBC had been a pervert enabler to an anal rapist for years. The chimp probably wouldn’t help their reputation. I’m pushing for the resurrection of the chimp’s career for my own amusement. If you’d like to help in my campaign to have a chimp host Today, you can contact them by email at or call 212-413-6142.

Despite paying out millions of dollars in shut up money to Matt Lauer’s victims, NBC still claims they only received one credible complaint of inappropriate sexual conduct in the many years they employed Matt Lauer to do a job previously performed by a chimp. They also pushed Lauer’s victims to sign non-disclosure agreements. 

While I’m on the subject, non-disclosure agreements seem to be a major flaw in our justice system. It’s a legal way to prevent someone from reporting a violent crime. And that seems like it should be illegal somehow. And why do they only apply to rape? I’m eighty-seven percent certain my neighbor will eventually murder her boyfriend. I know this because she’s a violent alcoholic and I’ve been Rear Window-ing her for months. When I finally witness the murder of Michael, she could ask me to sign a non-disclosure agreement, but I don’t think it would hold up in court.

The credible complaint that cost Matt Lauer the job a chimp can do, came from a woman who claimed Lauer anally raped her when they were on assignment for the winter Olympics. NBC maintains it was a consensual affair, but it violated Lauer’s terms of employment. The victim states she told him to stop repeatedly, but to the surprise of no one, except Ben Affleck, telling a rapist to stop didn’t work.

It’s important to note the reporters at NBC, with the obvious exception of Matt Lauer, seem to be innocent in all the nefarious goings on at the network. It’s the executives at NBC Universal who should be replaced by chimps. I say this to explain why I’m about to give Lester Holt the benefit of the doubt.

Upon the termination of Matt Lauer, Lester questioned if the punishment fit the crime. Lester may not have been aware of the rape allegations and simply believed Lauer was involved in a consensual affair. Nevertheless, I shall answer Lester’s question.

No, Lester Holt. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Matt Lauer should be in prison taking it up the ass against his will.

Namaste, Bitches


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