Sunday, July 30, 2017

The Great Communicator

Remember when Betty White did a Snickers commercial and the Facebook people started a campaign to get Betty White to host SNL and Betty White hosted SNL? Lawrence O'Donnell extended an open invitation for Joe Pesci to appear on his show to read Anthony Scaramucci quotes. That was the most brilliant thing on the news all week. Saturday Night Live has got to get Joe Pesci to play The Mooch. Facebook People, you've got to Betty White this Joe Pesci thing. Joe Pesci did a Snickers commercial too. Snickers really satisfies.

Last night I sent out the following tweet: “POTUS and The Mooch gave R Priebus a severance package consisting of an Edible Arrangements gift basket and a $50 Wal-Mart gift card. Classy.”

In an odd turn of events Anthony Scaramucci called me this morning to bitch about my tweet. I'm not sure how he got my number since I blog under a fake name and he didn't seem to know that. There must be a leaker in my apartment. The only other person here is my roommate... who is from New York... just like The Mooch. I'm willing to overlook this leak as the rent is due in two days.

Fortunately, I'm in the habit of recording all my phone calls in case I'm contacted by some wannabe Goodfella. 

At no time did The Mooch state our conversation was off the record. Not that it would have mattered if he did as I'm not a journalist. What follows is a transcript of our conversation.

The Mooch: Donna, I want to know who fucking leaked to you about the motherfucking Edible Arrangements. You know what The Mooch is going to do to that cocksucker? I'm going to murder his wife and children in front of him. Then I'm going to fire him. Then I'm going to write him a letter of recommendation and send him on his way with a fruit basket. Because, hey, I'm a classy guy. So who's the fucking leaker, Donna?

Donna Troy: There was no leaker. It was a joke. The fact that you don't know how jokes work is comical, though.

The Mooch: Waddya mean I’m comical? Waddya mean? You mean the way I talk? What? Comical how? I mean, what’s comical about it? You mean, let me understand this… cuz I… maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m a little fucked up, maybe? I’m comical how, I mean comical like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? Waddya mean comical? Comical how? How am I comical? How the fuck am I comical? What the fuck is so comical about The Mooch? Tell me. Tell me what’s comical. 
Donna Troy: Yeah... so as long as I've got you on the phone, do you care to comment on Trump's remarks advocating police brutality?

The Mooch: Whoa. Whoa. The president is a great man and a great politician. He's been a close friend of mine for many years. I mean, I've seen this man beat an eight-year-old at hopscotch. He hopped on two legs. He hopped on one leg. He skipped the square the rock landed on. He didn't miss a beat. The president is a great athlete. That's what we should be talking about.

Donna Troy: I thought you wanted to talk about White House leaks.

The Mooch: I don't want to talk about the motherfucking leakers. I want you to tell me who the motherfucking leakers are. It's an American travesty when everyone knows who the president is giving fruit baskets to. And I'll tell you something else, the president sprung for the fucking chocolate dipping on the strawberries and apple slices. That costs extra. I bet the prick nugget leaker didn't tell you that. And when you speak to the leaker again, you can tell him to go fuck his mother for me.

Donna Troy: The leaker was Ivanka Trump. She's my BFF. We go shopping together, get pedicures, talk about boys. That kind of stuff.

The Mooch: Ivanka Trump is great American patriot and first daughter. We've been close friends for many years. I think it speaks to the kind of person she is that she chose to share this great example of her father's generosity with the nation.

I grew up in a middle class family in a neighborhood. I knew a lot of working mothers. Ivanka Trump chose to design quality handbags and shoes for working mothers at a reasonable price. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I never thought of the handbag needs of the women in my neighborhood. Even though Ivanka grew up rich, she saw that. She saw the needs of working middle class mothers.

Donna Troy: I've never met Ivanka Trump. That was another joke you didn't get.

The Mooch: You know what, Donna? This is what The Mooch hates about the main stream media. Fucking fake news and gotcha politics. You don't want to tell me who the leaker is? Fine. Fuck it. I'll find the fucking leaker on my own.  You know what The Mooch is going to do to that butt fucker? I'm going to amputate his fucking leg with a rusty chainsaw. Then I'm going take the leg and shove it down the dickwad's throat. That jerkoff is gonna shit his own toes.

Donna Troy: Would you like to share your thoughts on the president's tweet banning transgender military personnel? Does he understand that tweeting something doesn't make it policy?

The Mooch: First of all, Donald J. Trump is not an establishment politician. He's not going to do things the way they've been done in the past. This is one of the things I hate about Washington. You have to go through all this red tape to get anything done. Trump is from the business world. I'm from the business world. In the business world, you make a decision and it's settled. Boom. Done. That's how Donald J. Trump is going to lead this country and make it great again. He doesn't have time to fill out fifty forms and write bills. That's what I'm here for. The president makes a decision and I represent him and support that decision. I went to Harvard Law School. I got an A minus in one of my courses. My professor remembers that.

Donna Troy: The president is serious about banning transgender service members then?

The Mooch: Look, just because the president said something doesn't mean he said it. And you know what? No one thinks of the danger these transgender “soldiers” are in. If someone like Caitlyn Jenner showed up in the neighborhood I grew up in, I don't want to tell you what we'd do to that she-man. We'd choke her with her own wig, cut off her fake tits and ship 'em C.O.D. to her mother. Then we'd write “tranny whore” on her forehead with her blood. Now you want to put the trannys which a bunch of G.I. Joes who are trained to kill? The president is protecting these fucking ungrateful freaks.

I'll tell you something else. I once saw Donald J. Trump go jogging with Caitlyn Jenner when she still had her balls and we called her Bruce. They decided to race the last two miles. I've never seen anyone move as fast as the president. Bruce was eating Trump's dust. I mean, the man out ran an Olympic athlete. As far as I'm concerned, if Brucelyn wants to be a big titty baby about this one issue she can go suck her detachable cock.

Donna Troy: You know Caitlyn Jenner is a Trump supporter, right?

The Mooch: Caitlyn Jenner is a real American hero, an Olympic gold medalist and a courageous spokesperson for the transgender community. She's been a close friend of mine for many years.

Donna Troy: You're almost good at your job. I nearly forgot Jared Kushner testified before the House Intelligence Committee. Care to share anything about that?

The Mooch: I've known Jared Kushner many years. He's a close friend. He's an honest guy. There's nothing to tell. He testified and told them there's nothing to tell. I was a part of the campaign. I didn't see any Russians.

Donna Troy: We know he met with Russians because of Little Don's emails.

The Mooch: Donald J. Trump Jr is a good friend. I've known him for many years. He said that meeting was a nothing burger and that's good enough for me. Donald J. Trump Jr is a guy who has had all the advantages in the world. I once saw him make his own plane reservations. He'd never done that before in his life. His secretary was having an emergency appendectomy. He was supposed to go to Florida to fill in for his dad at a golf course opening. He didn't know the secretary hadn't booked his flight until she was already under anesthesia and it was too late to call her. Don said, “You know what? I think I can do it.” Not only did he do it, but he decided not to fire his secretary. I think that speaks a lot to the kind of guy Donald J. Trump Jr is.

Donna Troy: You got rid of Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus in a week. Who's next to go?

The Mooch: First of all, The Mooch had nothing to do with Sean Spicer leaving. He was doing a terrible job, but the president was going to keep him on a while longer out of loyalty. The president is one of the most loyal people I've ever met. He once fired an FBI Director because he refused to pledge his loyalty to the president. That's how much the president values loyalty. 

You can say a lot of things about Sean Spicer, but he was loyal. The man tried to make people believe covfefe is a word. That's how loyal he was to the president. But he failed to make people believe covfefe is a word. He was loyal, but he was incompetent. That's why Donald J. Trump brought in The Mooch. And everyone will believe in covfefe before The Mooch is done.
Second of all, Reince and I are like brothers. We're like Cain and Abel, J.R. and Bobby Ewing, Michael and Fredo Corleone.

Donna Troy: Excellent examples. Can't really call him a paranoiac then. 

The Mooch: That shitbag is a fucking paranoiac. I was supposed to be in the president's cabinet in January. Reince fucking cock blocked me from the president.

Donna Troy: You should really think about what that phrase implies about your relationship with the president.

The Mooch: It implies Reince Priebus is a big fucking pussy who couldn't handle some stiff competition from The Mooch. If he even thinks about leaking anything now, I'll cut off his ears and staple them to the back of his head. I'll cut out his eyes and shove them in the holes where his ears used to be. I'll rearrange his whole fucking face. Turn him into a real life Mr. Goddamn Potato Head.

You want to know who's next to go? Steve Ass-Licker Bannon. I'll cut the brakes in his car, tell him his kid's in the hospital and nothing will happen because that asshole's not going to check on his kid. But sooner or later, he's got to drive somewhere and when he does – Bam! Dead. He fucked with the wrong Mooch.

Donna Troy: What about Jeff Sessions?

The Mooch: I've known Jeff Sessions a long time. He's a close friend of mine, but he can't take a hint. The president is unhappy Jeff recused himself. I told you how the president feels about loyalty. What good is an attorney who recused himself from representing the president. That's pretty disloyal if you ask me.

Donna Troy: The attorney general isn't the president's attorney. I thought you went to Harvard Law School.
The Mooch: The president is the commander in chief and he gets to appoint the attorney general. If he's not happy with the job the attorney general is doing, or not doing, since he recused himself, the president should be able to tweet him out of office. The president won the election.

Donna Troy: Yes, I know. That's why he's the president.

The Mooch: Are we fucking done here or what?

Donna Troy: You called me.

The Mooch: Yeah, something about a fucking fruit basket.

***End of call***

Namaste, Bitches

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Watch Your Back, Bitch

From: Donald Trump Jr.
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 12:03 PM
To: Jared Kushner
Subject: Possible Russia Collusion? – email leaks - private and confidential 

Hey Bro. Have you spoken to my dad today? He's not returning my calls. I think he might be pissed about this email thing. No offense, bro but none of this would have happened if you didn't get your lawyers involved and start amending forms. You already had security clearance. Why muddy the water now? The meeting was private and confidential. That's why I specifically wrote private and confidential in the subject line. I literally don't know what else I could have done to keep this quiet. 

Here's what I'm thinking. We need Putin's people to get to work on the New York Times. Find out if they have anything else. If they do, the Russians will kill... the story. Lol. Love it.  I'm going to reach out to Goldstone to set up another meeting. It's perfect. No one would expect it now, especially with all the heat on us. It's the kind of proactive problem solving my father will appreciate. 

Get back to me as soon as you can and give me a heads up before you start blabbing about other meetings. Lol. Okay?


From: Jared Kushner
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 1:35 PM
To: Donald Trump Jr.
Subject: Re: Possible Russia Collusion? – email leaks - private and confidential

Hello Mr. Trump,

This is Jamie Gorelick, counsel for Jared Kushner. I have advised my client, Mr. Kushner, to avoid further contact with you. I must insist you cease all email communication immediately.

Any further questions or concerns should be directed to my office.

Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Jamie Gorelick

From: Donald Trump Jr.
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 1:55 PM
To: Jared Kushner
Subject: Re:Re: Possible Russia Collusion? – email leaks - private and confidential

Dude! WTF? I guess private and confidential is just a nothing burger to you. I need to speak with you, not your stupid woman lawyer. Man up, already.


From: Donald Trump Jr.
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 2:03 PM
To: Ivanka Trump
Subject: Your Stupid Husband - private and confidential

WTF is Jared's problem? All I did was ask him if he's spoken to Dad today and he sics his lawyer on me. I don't need his bullshit.

You need to remind him I'm running the company now. I know you both think your shit doesn't stink because you're working at the White House, but guess what? Dad won't be president forever. You better treat me right or I will run this company into the ground. Into. The. Ground.  

What are you going to do then? QVC won't even sell your bedazzled wallets. I can always go back to bar tending. I made good tips.


From: Ivanka Trump
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 2:57 PM
Subject: FW: Your Stupid Husband - private and confidential

Hi Daddy,

Don is being a real non-Ivanka today. You need to do something about this. We don't want him clouding our presidency.

He should get out in front of the story. Perhaps he should release a statement such as, “It was a real honor to welcome these heroes of Russian democracy.”

I welcome your thoughts.


Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2017 4:09 PM
To: Ivanka Trump
Subject: Re:FW: Your Stupid Husband - private and confidential

I don't make mistakes, but sometimes I wonder if, perhaps, letting Don Jr. in the company was a mistake. But really, it was more like, it was his mistake. I sent him to the Wharton School of Business, one of the very, very best, maybe even the greatest business school in the country. He could have come right to work for me after he graduated, but instead, he chose to bar tend in Colorado. I said to him, I said, “Don, you'll never make it as a bartender. Bartenders are like, they're nothing. For a person to be a bartender, he lacks the imagination to be not poor. But if you're going to bar tend, you should do it in Manhattan.” And he was all like, “Dad, I want to do my own thing. I have friends in Colorado. I like it there and whatever.” And I was like, “Fine. Go. But you have to go by a different name. I can never be told that someone was served a drink by Donald Trump. It's very against the Trump brand. And don't use John Barron or John Miller because I'm already using those.” And this kid, I tell ya, he's got no imagination. He bar tends for a year under the name Donald Tromp. And I hear from people, this is what people are telling me, they say they went skiing in Colorado and they stopped at a bar and Don Jr. served them a gin and tonic. They tell me, they say he was a little heavy on the tonic and light on the gin. But they tip him anyway because he's my son. So, Donald Tromp is making money off my name. Could not believe it. A year later Don Jr. calls me and he's all like, “Dad, I hate bar tending. I'm broke all the time. I had to get a roommate and we can't afford a maid. I want to come work for you.” And I mean, this apartment, I've never been there, but people tell me it was a real dump. A total disaster. They would order pizzas and without a maid, there was no one to throw out the empty boxes. So they piled up until there was probably like seven thousand pizza boxes in one tiny penthouse apartment. So I let him come work for me and that was, maybe, not the right choice.

Okay, honey, I'll take care of him. You and Jared have nothing to worry about. Believe me. You know you're my favorite and Jared is like a son to me. In other words, Jared is an employee who is one hundred percent dependent on me. Which makes him very loyal.


Sent: Wednesday, July 12, 2017 4:48 AM
To: Donald Trump Jr.
Subject: #MAGA

Did you see the tweet I put out? I called you a “very high-quality person.” Did you see it?


From: Donald Trump Jr.
Sent: Wednesday, July 12, 2017 7:42 AM
Subject: Re: #MAGA – private and confidential

Dad, I've been trying to reach you for two days. What's going on? They're saying Jared and I could go to prison for this. You told me to take the meeting. I did this for you. I can't go to prison, right? I'm the president's son.


Sent: Wednesday, July 12, 2017 7:59 AM
To: Donald Trump, Jr.
Subject: Re:Re: #MAGA – private and confidential

First of all, son, you're being very rude, okay. I'm the president and that means I'm very, very busy. I'm in France meeting with President Le Macrone Depardieu. I emailed you three hours ago. What were you so busy doing at five o'clock in the morning that it took you so long to get back to me?

I don't want you to worry. There is no way I'm letting Jared go to prison, okay. If need be, we'll get him out of the country, possibly to Russia. I have friends there. Now, you may have to go to prison for a year, maybe five years or maybe less. I don't know. Definitely not more than five. What's five years? It's nothing, five years. You'll only be forty-five years old when you get out. You'd still have your whole life ahead of you. Look at me, I'm seventy and I just changed careers. I'm a politician now, if you can believe it. And I'll probably, perhaps, still be president when you get out because it looks like I'm going to win re-election in 2020. I've already started working on my 2020 campaign and the democrats, they don't even know who's running yet. Can't believe it, Don. Cannot believe it. People are saying my approval ratings are like nothing they've ever seen before. People are telling me this. I'm at thirty-six percent and I've only been in office, for like, six months. Thirty-six percent. That's more than a third, so it's more like, probably, half the country.

So, you'll do a little time. You'll come back and we'll put you to work. I'm not sure where yet. I mean, I'm guessing, we'll have to give your office at Trump Tower to whoever takes your place. And depending on how well that person does, I mean, five years is a long time. I can't make any promises, but we'll see what happens.

The important thing is, I have to distance myself from you and this whole Russia thing. And to be honest, this whole Russia thing is a hoax and we know that, but you really, you shouldn't have taken the meeting. I mean, you can say, it helped my campaign a lot, but then again, I probably would have won anyway.

You didn't answer my question. Did you see the tweet I put out? A high-quality person, that's what I called you. I mean that.


Namaste, Bitches


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