Saturday, July 18, 2020

There's Something About Mary

Did you know The Art of The Deal is the biggest selling non-fiction book of all time? It’s not, but Donald Trump claims it is. I would also take issue with calling it non-fiction. Upon the release of the book in 1987, Random House did an initial printing of 150,00 copies. Of which, 4000 copies were purchased by Ivana Trump. Fact.

On July 14, Mary Trump, niece of Donald, released her book, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man. It sold 950,000 copies in one day, which is a record breaking first day sales number for Simon & Schuster. Fact.

I’ve been pushing really hard for a Tiffany Trump tell-all since 2016. I’ve even been helpful enough to provide her with a title that will translate nicely into a Lifetime movie, The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story. Since Tiffany either won’t take the bait or is completely unaware of my existence, I decided to read Mary’s book. And I was shocked. Shocked, I tell you. There is a Trump who is actually likable. In the opening, she recounts reluctantly staying at a Trump hotel to attend a family dinner hosted by Donald. I was immediately hooked when I read the words, “so I poured some Trump Wine down my Trump throat.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to and have a Jerry Maguire moment with Mary Trump:

Dear Mary,

You had me at the prologue. You had me at the prologue.

Your Friend,
Donna Troy

When writing these blogs I tend to use a mix of real Trump shit and make-em-ups. Because real Trump shit is so crazy you can’t make it up, a lot of people believe my make-em-ups are real. And sometimes, unbeknownst to me, my make-em-ups are real.

For example, when blogging about Trump’s inauguration I wrote, “Forty-Five took the oath of office using his own Bible, his own Bible being a copy of The Art of The Deal.” Two years later, ousted Trump staffer and reality show villain, Omarosa wrote a book. I read it, expecting it to be entertaining in a Sharknado kind of way. In it, she claims Trump did in fact want to be sworn in with The Art of The Deal, but someone managed to talk him out of it. Instead of being entertained in a Sharknado kind of way, I was all like, “Shit. Sharknadoes are real.” 

In the very same post I questioned the whereabouts of Donald Trump’s siblings and strongly hinted that Trump may be criminally involved in their disappearance. Mary Trump also wondered why no one in the media seemed to notice this conspicuous absence of Trumps. According to her book, the siblings wanted nothing to do with all this wanting to be president bullshit. This doesn’t have anything to do with make-em-ups. I just wanted my new friend Mary to know that I noticed.

Back to make-em-ups.

In another post I wrote, “If abortion had been legal in 1946, I'm sure Mary Anne Trump would have terminated that whole "Rosemary's Baby" situation going on in her womb.” Donald Trump was sent away to military school between the ages of thirteen and eighteen. According to Mary Trump, her grandmother once confessed to her that she was relieved to be rid of Donald because he was such an obnoxious pain in the ass. And now the world suffers because she waited thirteen years before attempting to abort her malevolent spawn.

All the Trumps have similar names for some fucking reason. Most likely so they can pin their crimes on one another. There’s Ivana Trump, Ivanka Trump, Mary Anne Trump, Maryanne Trump, Mary Trump, Fred Trump, Sr., Fred Trump, Jr., Fred Trump, III, Eric Trump, Eric Trump, Jr., Donald Trump, Sr., Donald Trump, Jr. and Donald Trump, III. Yes, there’s a third Donald Trump. He’s only eleven so I’ll leave him alone. Hopefully, he’ll turn out to be harmless. The third sequel is usually boring.

The general theme of Mary’s book is what we already know. Fred Trump, Sr. was a racist, sexist, greedy, narcissistic sociopath of limited vocabulary who begot Donald Trump, Sr., a racist, sexist, greedy, narcissistic sociopath of limited vocabulary. And it’s full of stories that I’m sure would anger Donald if could read at the same level as... anyone.

Now for some new make-em-ups. I shall provide Donald Trump’s responses to some of the allegations made my Mary Trump.

1. Donald’s older sister, Maryanne, did all his homework.

DJT: This is such old fake news, okay. If Maryanne’s so smart, how come I’m president and she’s only a judge. A judge who had to retire, I hate to tell you, and she’s only eighty-three. Because women don’t have the stamina to do the same work as men. It’s called stamina. And it’s called brain power. And there’s lots of things you can call it, but I have it. And everyone knows I have it. You know, people never want to give Trump credit for anything. And this is going way back, before any of you even know, probably. I had a teacher who said the same thing. After class, he said to me, he said, “Trump, I know someone else did your homework.” And this guy, I mean, he was so jealous of Trump because he knew, even as a kid, that I was so much smarter than him. He was the kind of guy that was a loser and knew he’d be a loser for the rest of his life. So it was like, it was like he couldn’t stand to see anyone else win. 

So I said to him, I said, “Where’s the proof? That’s my homework. My name’s on it. Were you at my house last night? Did you see anyone else do my homework?” And this guy comes back at me with, “Boys don’t dot their i’s with little hearts.” And I was all like, “That’s it? That’s your proof. I happen to be like a very warm guy, okay. I was the first person to dot their i’s with hearts. It’s like, nobody was doing it before Trump. It’s how I sign my name.” And this guy wouldn’t let up, he said, “But Donald, there are no i’s in Donald Trump.” I mean, it was unbelievable. So, I told him, I said, “I always sign my full name. There’s an I in my middle name.” And this guy’s all like, “you’re middle name is John.” And I said, “I know that. Who are you to tell me what is my middle name. I happen to spell it J-O-I-H-N. It’s a very old German spelling.” So, ultimately, I graduated and went on to the Wharton School of Business and things worked out very well for me.

 2. Donald hired someone to take the SATs for him.

DJT: I happened to do very well on my SATs, that I can tell you. My scores were like, they were tremendous. Did you notice how I said I did well, instead of I did good? People with low SATs scores, they say I did good. And I did do good. I happened to do very good, I hate to tell you. I mean, look, someone could have taken the SATs under my name. I’m not saying it didn’t happen. They don’t require a photo ID to take the SATs, which I happen to think is a very not right way to do things. So anyone could have walked in and said I’m Donald Trump. It’s a very early form of identity theft, I hate to tell you. Probably, some guy who wanted to get in a good school, he took the SATs under my name. Because as you know, all the best schools wanted Trump. But then, he probably realized there can’t be two Donald Trumps. I mean, now there are three, but back then there was only one. So this guy, who was probably some fat unpopular kid, wanted to be me and quite honestly, who can blame him. But he realizes there can’t be two Donald Trumps. So, he takes some Wite Out, no, they take the SATs with pencils, don’t they? Right, Number 2 pencils, like I said. So pencils have erasers and he erases my name and writes in his own name.

Now all these years later, I’m the president and somebody’s all like, “That’s not the Donald Trump who took the SATs.” But if they dig a little deeper they’ll find… did you know one of the Monkees invented Wite Out, by the way? It’s true. A lot of people don’t know that. It’s a great invention, but it’s pretty useless now with computers and iPhones. And when you look at what happened to the Monkees, it’s pretty sad really. Half of them are dead. And half of the Beatles are dead. If they were smart, half of the Monkees and half of the Beatles would get together and form a group. They could play the casinos and all that. And they could make some decent money. In business, you always have to be thinking of the next thing if you want to stay ahead. I don’t know how much money is left from Wite Out, but if Paul McCartney thinks he’s going to live off that… He doesn’t have a good head for business, Paul McCartney. I mean, the Wite Out thing was great and all, but he let Michael Jackson outbid him for the Monkees catalog. I mean, this guy, is a total disaster when it comes to business. But you know, it’s good because I really don’t care for British people to be quite honest with you.

3. Fred Trump, Jr., brother of Donald and father of Mary, was hospitalized in 1981. The family was told Fred was dying and probably wouldn’t make it through the night. While his parents sat by the phone, waiting for news of their dying son, Donald went to the movies.

DJT: My brother, Fred, was a terrific guy. A great guy, really. But, I hate to say it and I know it may sound cold, but when someone dies, they cease to exist. So the moment the doctors said Fred’s dying, I thought to myself, “Well, that’s it. Fred’s over. I’ve got to get on with my life.” And I thought about how I can best honor Fred’s memory. And you know, Fred loved movies. When he got sick, he moved back in with my parents, who went to a lot of trouble to make him very, very comfortable, I might add. They set him up with a terrific cot in the attic and give him a terrific black and white TV. And Fred would watch movies on that TV for hours. And you know, since Mary’s book came out a lot of people have been saying some nasty things about my parents, who happened to be very good people. They’re all like, “Oh, but Mr. President, your parents were worth hundreds of millions of dollars. How could they stick your brother in the attic?” And I hate to say it, but Fred wasn’t worth shit. He accomplished very little in his life. So you know, beggars can’t be choosers as they say.

And you have to remember, this was 1981. Very few people had VCRs and even if they did, the movie rental business hadn’t taken off yet. So if you missed a movie when it was playing in the theaters you might have to wait years before it was on TV. And then, if it was an R-rated movie, all the good parts were cut out and there were commercials. So you really didn’t get the full experience. Anyway, there was a movie opening that I was really interested in seeing and it’s since become one of the great classic films of all time. It was a movie called Porky’s. It was perhaps the first great teen sex comedy. It started the whole genre. I mean, you wouldn’t have movies like American Pie if it hadn’t been for Porky’s. So I decided the best way to honor Fred would be to see Porky’s. And it happened to be a very good thing I did. You know, I was sitting there, watching this movie and all of the sudden this beautiful phrase came to me - “Locker Room Talk.” And I thought to myself, “What a brilliant, perfect phrase. Locker Room Talk.” So in certain respects I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t seen Porky’s.

4. Donald Trump once ogled his niece and said, “Holy shit, Mary. You’re stacked.”

DJT: So what? It was just locker room talk, okay. And I know some people might say I shouldn’t say such things to my niece and perhaps I shouldn’t. But then again, you know, my brother Fred is dead. So, it’s not like she’s even really still my niece if you think about it. I mean, think about it. If I don’t have a brother, how can I have a niece? And really, she should be flattered that I even took the time to notice her quite frankly. Because she’s really not an attractive woman. I was only being nice to her because in certain respects she’s still family, but in other respects, not so much.

5. Mary Trump believes Donald probably admires Derek Chauvin, the cop who murdered George Floyd. She writes, “I can only imagine that Donald wishes it had been his knee on Floyd’s neck.”

DJT: Well, sure, I don’t not agree with that. I mean, is there anything wrong with that? With believing in law and order? I don’t think so. Look, I don’t know what George Floyd was into, but he clearly was associated with many gangs or we wouldn’t have so many riots happening. So, you know, I’m sorry he died, but this thug had to be taken off the streets. So had it been me, I would have done the same thing probably.

And Mary’s trying to put a bad spin on that. Such a nasty woman, that one. And you know, I hardly know her. I haven’t seen her in what - ten years, probably? I think, I’m pretty sure the last time I saw her, we were having a birthday dinner for my sisters at the White House. So yeah, that was about ten years ago. But really, I don’t have anything to say to her. But if I were to say something to her… You know, the Beatles wrote a great song. Remember the Beatles? They were a great band. Love the Beatles. The Beatles wrote a song and the lyrics were something like, “Mary, Mary, why you buggin’?” Ivanka used to play it all the time. So if I were to talk to her, which I won’t, but if I were, that’s would I would say to her. I would say, “Mary, Mary, why you buggin’ Trump?”

Namaste, Bitches


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