On Friday, January 20, 2017,
we witnessed a truly historic moment. A
moment which will be discussed and debated for years to come. We will all remember where we were when we first
saw Kellyanne Conway's outfit.
A picture of my aunt in her
high school majorette uniform immediately came to mind. My aunt foolishly told me she is still in
possession of her fire baton. I then
made the reasonable request that she light it up and allow me to film her doing
her awesome fire baton routine. We'd
put it on YouTube and show Kellyanne how real fifty-year-old majorettes get it
done. Unfortunately, my aunt selfishly
refused to singe her eyebrows for my amusement.
Fifty-year-old majorettes
aren't the only gift Kellyanne gave us this weekend. This very morning I learned all about "alternative
facts" by watching Kellyanne on Meet The Press. Oh, Kellyanne, you bring me such joy. "Alternative facts" are fucking awesome. You'll see.
I shall now write about the inauguration with the use of
"alternative facts."
I, Donna Troy, am not only a
blog writer. I am also a psychic
medium. Alternative Fact. Several deceased historical figures shared their thoughts about
the new president with me. No dead
president is happier about what went down this weekend than one Richard M.
Nixon. I seriously couldn't shut him
up. Not that I blame him. Literally, one day of 45's presidency made
Nixon seem like a much more likeable guy.
The day began with the
Obamas graciously welcoming 45 and that nude model to the White House. That nude model presented Michelle Obama
with a Tiffany's box presumably containing a "help me" note. That nude model was actually dressed quite
elegantly. The ghost of Jackie Kennedy
said, "Bitch stole my look."
That nude model tried to run away, but the Secret Service caught
her in time for the photo shoot. Alternative Fact.
Meanwhile, back at
Inauguration Station, dignitaries arrived. As former presidents and vice
presidents took their seats, my heart ached for what once was and what is about
to be. Then I saw Dan Quayle and I
remembered that time the former vice president got into a fight with the
fictional TV character, Murphy Brown. Actual Fact.
I didn't care much for
George W. Bush as president, but I get quite a kick out of him now. I think it's because he always looks so
chipper and carefree in moments that are neither chipper nor carefree. Also, he got stuck in a poncho during the
inaugural address. Anyway, George W.
Bush showed up looking all chipper and carefree. He practically danced to his seat. Not that I blame him.
Literally, one day of 45's presidency made Bush seem like a much more
likeable guy. The ghost of Richard
Nixon said, "Wipe that goofy grin off your face, jackass. This is my moment."
Jimmy Carter arrived and, to
everyone's joy and relief, he announced his plan to run for president in 2020
at the age of 96. Alternative
Fact. It was noted President
Carter flew coach from Georgia to D.C.
The ghost of Richard Nixon called him a cheap bastard. Not cool, Nixon.
Jimmy Carter makes me think
of Billy Carter, which makes me wonder why we never see or hear from 45's three
siblings. I decided to do some digging
and discovered the CIA is actively investigating the disappearance of the
siblings. Alternative Fact. Oh, and Russia is probably
involved.
The Clintons joined the
Carters and the Bushes. Hillary carried
herself with grace and dignity while the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt wept.
The ghost of Geraldine
Ferraro had a message for the Hillary haters:
"If 45 had won the popular vote by three million votes and lost the
election, he'd be live tweeting about how totally unfair this is. So, shut the fuck up or I will fucking haunt
your dreams."
The ghost of Betty Ford
said, "I need a drink."
Even the ghost of Richard
Nixon said, "Yeah, give Hillary a break.
Everyone talks about Watergate, but no one remembers how I graciously
conceded to Kennedy even though there was suspicion of vote tampering."
The ghost of JFK said,
"Prove it."
Then the ghost of Eisenhower
said, "Shut up, Dick. You only
conceded because I told you to."
And Nixon was all like, "You never supported me." And they got all into it and I had to tune
them out.
This was followed by the
absurd procession of 45's children. If
you're wondering if it's tradition to announce the children of the incoming
president, it's not. Looking especially
tense and creepier than normal was 45 Junior.
Sensing something was up, I decided to do some digging and discovered
Junior had been "forced" to murder one of Putin's enemies shortly
before the ceremony. Alternative Fact.
It should also be noted all four of 45's adult children
completely ignored their ten-year-old brother while his parents were otherwise
engaged.
The Bidens and the Obamas
walked onto the stage and America cried. At least, the smarter parts of America
cried. The crowd chanted, "Eight
more years! Eight more years!" Alternative Fact.
Then the sky grew dark and
Mike Pence made his way to the podium.
He made it a point to walk over to Hillary Clinton and shake her
hand. Even for an asshole, it was a
classy move.
Finally, the moment we'd all
been dreading, thunder roared, lightning filled the sky and 45 appeared. The crowd chanted, "Hill-a-ry! Hill-a-ry!" Alternative Fact. It
should be noted 45 made no attempt to shake Hillary's hand. It was a classless move.
Sexual predator and Supreme
Court Justice, Clarence Thomas swore in Mike Pence. Pence took the oath of office using Ronald Reagan's family
Bible. The ghost of Ronald Reagan said,
"Leave me out of this."
Supreme Court Chief Justice,
John Roberts swore in 45. Forty-Five
took the oath of office using his own Bible, his own Bible being a copy of The
Art of The Deal, and Lincoln's Bible.
The ghost of Abe Lincoln said, "Motherfucker, don't touch my
shit!"
What followed can only be
described as the worst inaugural address in the history of inaugurations and
addresses. The speech can be summed up
with a few phrases and the facial expressions of George W. Bush.
"This is an historic
movement the likes of which nobody has ever seen before. Inner cities. Education system flushed with cash. Gangs, crimes, drugs.
American carnage. Fucking
foreigners. America first. I will completely eradicate from the earth
radical Islamic terrorism."
"Have no fear. We are protected by God."
"With malice toward all
and charity toward none, make America great again."
The ghosts of all
thirty-eight dead presidents said, "What. The. Fuck."
The ghost of Betty Ford
said, "I need a drink."
The ghost of Richard Nixon
said, "Can someone get Betty a drink?"
The crowd that had gathered
on the National Mall booed. Alternative Fact. Also, my data shows the number of people
gathered on the National Mall to be exactly seventeen and a half. Alternative Fact.
Later that evening, 45 had
three balls. At the Armed Services
Ball, he and that nude model danced to I Will Always Love You. First, that's a weird fucking song
choice. It's a break up song. Second, I hope he is haunted by the ghost of
Whitney Houston. Third, I hope he is
sued by the living Dolly Parton.
At the other two balls, 45
and that nude model danced to My Way.
The ghost of Frank Sinatra said, "Motherfucker, this song ain't
about you."
Namaste, Bitches
