Sunday, January 22, 2017

You Probably Think This Song is About You

On Friday, January 20, 2017, we witnessed a truly historic moment.  A moment which will be discussed and debated for years to come.  We will all remember where we were when we first saw Kellyanne Conway's outfit.  

A picture of my aunt in her high school majorette uniform immediately came to mind.  My aunt foolishly told me she is still in possession of her fire baton.  I then made the reasonable request that she light it up and allow me to film her doing her awesome fire baton routine.  We'd put it on YouTube and show Kellyanne how real fifty-year-old majorettes get it done.  Unfortunately, my aunt selfishly refused to singe her eyebrows for my amusement. 

Fifty-year-old majorettes aren't the only gift Kellyanne gave us this weekend.  This very morning I learned all about "alternative facts" by watching Kellyanne on Meet The Press.  Oh, Kellyanne, you bring me such joy.  "Alternative facts" are fucking awesome.  You'll see.  I shall now write about the inauguration with the use of "alternative facts." 

I, Donna Troy, am not only a blog writer.  I am also a psychic medium. Alternative Fact. Several deceased historical figures shared their thoughts about the new president with me.  No dead president is happier about what went down this weekend than one Richard M. Nixon.  I seriously couldn't shut him up.  Not that I blame him.  Literally, one day of 45's presidency made Nixon seem like a much more likeable guy.

The day began with the Obamas graciously welcoming 45 and that nude model to the White House.  That nude model presented Michelle Obama with a Tiffany's box presumably containing a "help me" note.  That nude model was actually dressed quite elegantly.  The ghost of Jackie Kennedy said, "Bitch stole my look."  That nude model tried to run away, but the Secret Service caught her in time for the photo shoot.  Alternative Fact.

Meanwhile, back at Inauguration Station, dignitaries arrived. As former presidents and vice presidents took their seats, my heart ached for what once was and what is about to be.  Then I saw Dan Quayle and I remembered that time the former vice president got into a fight with the fictional TV character, Murphy Brown. Actual Fact. 

I didn't care much for George W. Bush as president, but I get quite a kick out of him now.  I think it's because he always looks so chipper and carefree in moments that are neither chipper nor carefree.  Also, he got stuck in a poncho during the inaugural address.  Anyway, George W. Bush showed up looking all chipper and carefree.  He practically danced to his seat.  Not that I blame him.  Literally, one day of 45's presidency made Bush seem like a much more likeable guy.  The ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Wipe that goofy grin off your face, jackass.  This is my moment."

Jimmy Carter arrived and, to everyone's joy and relief, he announced his plan to run for president in 2020 at the age of 96.  Alternative Fact.  It was noted President Carter flew coach from Georgia to D.C.  The ghost of Richard Nixon called him a cheap bastard.  Not cool, Nixon.

Jimmy Carter makes me think of Billy Carter, which makes me wonder why we never see or hear from 45's three siblings.  I decided to do some digging and discovered the CIA is actively investigating the disappearance of the siblings.  Alternative Fact.  Oh, and Russia is probably involved. 

The Clintons joined the Carters and the Bushes.  Hillary carried herself with grace and dignity while the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt wept.  

The ghost of Geraldine Ferraro had a message for the Hillary haters:  "If 45 had won the popular vote by three million votes and lost the election, he'd be live tweeting about how totally unfair this is.  So, shut the fuck up or I will fucking haunt your dreams." 

The ghost of Betty Ford said, "I need a drink."

Even the ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Yeah, give Hillary a break.  Everyone talks about Watergate, but no one remembers how I graciously conceded to Kennedy even though there was suspicion of vote tampering."

The ghost of JFK said, "Prove it."

Then the ghost of Eisenhower said, "Shut up, Dick.  You only conceded because I told you to."  And Nixon was all like, "You never supported me."  And they got all into it and I had to tune them out.

This was followed by the absurd procession of 45's children.  If you're wondering if it's tradition to announce the children of the incoming president, it's not.  Looking especially tense and creepier than normal was 45 Junior.  Sensing something was up, I decided to do some digging and discovered Junior had been "forced" to murder one of Putin's enemies shortly before the ceremony. Alternative Fact.  It should also be noted all four of 45's adult children completely ignored their ten-year-old brother while his parents were otherwise engaged. 

The Bidens and the Obamas walked onto the stage and America cried. At least, the smarter parts of America cried.  The crowd chanted, "Eight more years!  Eight more years!"  Alternative Fact.  

Then the sky grew dark and Mike Pence made his way to the podium.  He made it a point to walk over to Hillary Clinton and shake her hand.  Even for an asshole, it was a classy move. 

Finally, the moment we'd all been dreading, thunder roared, lightning filled the sky and 45 appeared.  The crowd chanted, "Hill-a-ry!  Hill-a-ry!"  Alternative Fact.  It should be noted 45 made no attempt to shake Hillary's hand.  It was a classless move.

Sexual predator and Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas swore in Mike Pence.  Pence took the oath of office using Ronald Reagan's family Bible.  The ghost of Ronald Reagan said, "Leave me out of this."

Supreme Court Chief Justice, John Roberts swore in 45.  Forty-Five took the oath of office using his own Bible, his own Bible being a copy of The Art of The Deal, and Lincoln's Bible.  The ghost of Abe Lincoln said, "Motherfucker, don't touch my shit!" 

What followed can only be described as the worst inaugural address in the history of inaugurations and addresses.  The speech can be summed up with a few phrases and the facial expressions of George W. Bush.

"This is an historic movement the likes of which nobody has ever seen before.  Inner cities.  Education system flushed with cash.  Gangs, crimes, drugs.  American carnage.  Fucking foreigners.  America first.  I will completely eradicate from the earth radical Islamic terrorism."

"Have no fear.  We are protected by God."

"With malice toward all and charity toward none, make America great again."

The ghosts of all thirty-eight dead presidents said, "What. The. Fuck."

The ghost of Betty Ford said, "I need a drink."

The ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Can someone get Betty a drink?"

The crowd that had gathered on the National Mall booed. Alternative Fact.  Also, my data shows the number of people gathered on the National Mall to be exactly seventeen and a half.  Alternative Fact.

Later that evening, 45 had three balls.  At the Armed Services Ball, he and that nude model danced to I Will Always Love You.  First, that's a weird fucking song choice.  It's a break up song.  Second, I hope he is haunted by the ghost of Whitney Houston.  Third, I hope he is sued by the living Dolly Parton.

At the other two balls, 45 and that nude model danced to My Way.  The ghost of Frank Sinatra said, "Motherfucker, this song ain't about you."

Namaste, Bitches


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