Monday, January 16, 2017


You know when you're sick and you're lying in bed and you finally get into a comfortable position and you don't want to move out of that position because you know you'll feel like shit again if you move?  That's how I ended up watching three episodes of an Entourage marathon.  That was all I could take before I was forced to push through the pain and find the remote.  If you haven't seen Entourage, it's about a group of douche bags.  The head douche bag is rich and famous and the other douche bags desperately ride his coattails hoping some wealth and fame will rub off on them.

This brings me to Donald Trump's cabinet picks.  In a few days, Trump will be inaugurated and he will walk into the Oval Office as the least prepared person to lead the nation ever.  Many people clung to the hope that Trump would, at the very least, surround himself with people who know what they're doing.  He has not.  Instead, the Douche Bag-Elect has surrounded himself with a truly ridiculous group of douche bag hangers on.

Let's take a look at some of the more absurd cabinet appointments and what you need to know to ensure your cabinet is stocked with the proper amount of mild sedatives.

Attorney General - Jeff Sessions  

He looks and sounds like a cartoon.  He always seems surprised and his name, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, is the name of a southern villain.  It just is.  It may be unfair to judge a person by his name, but can you honestly tell me you didn't look at that name and think 'slave owner'?  Of course, you can't.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III would like the American people to know he has been unjustly labeled a racist and a bigot.  Yes, he called the NAACP and the ACLU communist and un-American.  Yes, he said he thought the Ku Klux Klan was okay until he found out they smoked pot.  Also, he's against legalizing marijuana.  Yes, he doesn't think violence against gay people should be labeled a hate crime.  Yes, he voted against the Violence Against Women Act.  But he did vote in favor of giving Rosa Parks a medal.  So, stick that in your bong and smoke it.

Secretary of State - Rex Tillerson

Rex Tillerson is the CEO of Exxon Mobil and he has five hundred billion reasons to lift sanctions with Russia.  Putin even awarded him a medal for most money spent by a rich American in Russia or whatever.  And you thought Trump was in love with Putin.  Rex seriously put a tiger in Putin's tank.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - Dr. Ben Carson

Yes, Ben Carson is completely unqualified to run HUD, but how hard could it be?  I mean, it's not brain surgery. 
Dr. Carson believes the key to overcoming poverty is individual effort, not government programs.  "If you were born into poverty and have not yet reached the point of achievement where a TV movie has been made about your life, it's probably your fault.  I literally did it with my eyes closed."

Education Secretary - Betsy DeVos

Donald Trump famously proclaimed his love for the poorly educated.  And apparently, Betsy DeVos loves the poorly educated as well.  So much so, she has made it her life's work to ensure the poorly educated don't get accidentally educated.  DeVos is an activist who has worked to defund public schools in Michigan while working to secure extra funds for failing charter schools.  Activist in this context is defined as a rich bitch who's never had a real job, but suffers from an overwhelming need to feel important.  Also, that suit is hideous.

Commerce Secretary - Wilbur Ross

If you are a voter who was concerned about Hillary Clinton's ties to Wall Street, meet billionaire Wall Street investor, Wilbur Ross. 

If you are a coal miner who was concerned Hillary Clinton would put you out of work, meet Sago Mine owner, Wilbur Ross.  You may recall in 2006 twelve men were killed in an explosion at the Sago Mine in West Virginia.  Prior to this tragic event, the company had been cited for numerous safety violations.  It may seem like the appointment of Wilbur Ross is a big fuck you to all the miners who voted for Trump, but remember, Trump only promised to keep them working.  He didn't promise to keep them alive.

Small Business Administration - Linda McMahon
Linda McMahon is the chief executive of World Wrestling Entertainment.  I have nothing to add here. 
Treasury Secretary - Steve Mnunchin

Are you a voter who was concerned about Hillary Clinton's paid speeches to Goldman Sachs?  Meet former Goldman Sachs executive, Steve Mnunchin.
Labor Secretary - Andrew Puzder

Andrew Puzder is the CEO of Carl's Jr. and Hardee's.  He's super pro-American and I quote, "I like beautiful women eating burgers in bikinis. I think it’s very American."  How are these restaurants even still in business?  Every Hardee's I pass is always empty. The food is horrible and it takes a half hour to get a burger. I'm no business expert, but I suspect Hardee's suffers from low employee morale.  Also, Andy is against increasing the minimum wage. Also, Andy is in favor of replacing minimum wage earners with machines. 

Chief Strategist - Stephen Bannon

Bannon is the former head of Breitbart News.  Breitbart News is known for headlines such as, The Solution to Online Harassment is Simple:  Women Should Log Off, or better yet, Birth Control Makes Women Unattractive and Crazy. 

Also, are you a voter who was concerned about Hillary Clinton's paid speeches to Goldman Sachs?  Meet former Goldman Sachs banker, Stephen Bannon.

Senior Adviser to the President - Jared Kushner

Kushner is Trump's son-in-law.  That's him in the picture under Ivanka, which is where Trump would like to be.  Because he has publicly stated his desire to date his daughter. His daughter, Ivanka, not Tiffany because he's forgotten Tiffany exists.  Some are concerned the appointment of Kushner violates nepotism laws, but I'm really more concerned about Trump violating Ivanka.  Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Ivanka Trump.

Dear Ivanka,

You need to get out of there.  Your brothers are possible serial killers.  Your dad wants to date you and your husband is getting way too chummy with your dad, who wants to date you.  

Bitch, run all ready.
Best Wishes,
Donna Troy 
??? - Rudy Giuliani

The Trump Administration does not require the services of Rudy Giuliani at this time.  They will keep his resume on file for future openings.

??? - Chris Christie

Did you know Charles Kushner, father of Jared, who is married to Trump's favorite daughter, served time in federal prison for tax evasion, illegal campaign contributions and witness tampering?  Did you know Chris Christie was the prosecuting U.S. Attorney on that case?  Did you know Chris Christie actually expected to be appointed to a cabinet position?  Sad!

Namaste, Bitches


About Me Facebook Twitter Tumblr RSS
© 2020 All rights reserved.