You know when you're sick
and you're lying in bed and you finally get into a comfortable position and you
don't want to move out of that position because you know you'll feel like shit
again if you move? That's how I ended
up watching three episodes of an Entourage marathon. That was all I could take before I was
forced to push through the pain and find the remote. If you haven't seen Entourage, it's about a group of
douche bags. The head douche bag is
rich and famous and the other douche bags desperately ride his coattails hoping
some wealth and fame will rub off on them.
This brings me to Donald
Trump's cabinet picks. In a few days,
Trump will be inaugurated and he will walk into the Oval Office as the least
prepared person to lead the nation ever.
Many people clung to the hope that Trump would, at the very least,
surround himself with people who know what they're doing. He has not.
Instead, the Douche Bag-Elect has surrounded himself with a truly
ridiculous group of douche bag hangers on.
Let's take a look at some of
the more absurd cabinet appointments and what you need to know to ensure your
cabinet is stocked with the proper amount of mild sedatives.
Attorney General - Jeff
Sessions
He looks and sounds like a
cartoon. He always seems surprised and
his name, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, is the name of a southern
villain. It just is. It may be unfair to judge a person by his
name, but can you honestly tell me you didn't look at that name and think
'slave owner'? Of course, you can't.
Jefferson Beauregard
Sessions III would like the American people to know he has been unjustly
labeled a racist and a bigot. Yes, he
called the NAACP and the ACLU communist and un-American. Yes, he said he thought the Ku Klux Klan was
okay until he found out they smoked pot.
Also, he's against legalizing marijuana. Yes, he doesn't think violence against gay people should be
labeled a hate crime. Yes, he voted
against the Violence Against Women Act.
But he did vote in favor of giving Rosa Parks a medal. So, stick that in your bong and smoke it.
Secretary of State - Rex
Tillerson
Rex Tillerson is the CEO of
Exxon Mobil and he has five hundred billion reasons to lift sanctions with
Russia. Putin even awarded him a medal
for most money spent by a rich American in Russia or whatever. And you thought Trump was in love with
Putin. Rex seriously put a tiger in
Putin's tank.
Secretary of Housing and
Urban Development - Dr. Ben Carson
Dr. Carson believes the key
to overcoming poverty is individual effort, not government programs. "If you were born into poverty and have
not yet reached the point of achievement where a TV movie has been made about
your life, it's probably your fault. I
literally did it with my eyes closed."
Education Secretary -
Betsy DeVos
Commerce Secretary -
Wilbur Ross
If you are a coal miner who
was concerned Hillary Clinton would put you out of work, meet Sago Mine owner,
Wilbur Ross. You may recall in 2006
twelve men were killed in an explosion at the Sago Mine in West Virginia. Prior to this tragic event, the company had
been cited for numerous safety violations.
It may seem like the appointment of Wilbur Ross is a big fuck you to all
the miners who voted for Trump, but remember, Trump only promised to keep them
working. He didn't promise to keep them
alive.
Small Business
Administration - Linda McMahon
Linda McMahon is the chief
executive of World Wrestling Entertainment.
I have nothing to add here.
Treasury Secretary -
Steve Mnunchin
Are you a voter who was
concerned about Hillary Clinton's paid speeches to Goldman Sachs? Meet former Goldman Sachs executive, Steve
Mnunchin.
Labor Secretary - Andrew
Puzder
Andrew Puzder is the CEO of
Carl's Jr. and Hardee's. He's super
pro-American and I quote, "I like beautiful women eating burgers in
bikinis. I think it’s very American."
How are these restaurants even still in business? Every Hardee's I pass is always empty. The
food is horrible and it takes a half hour to get a burger. I'm no business
expert, but I suspect Hardee's suffers from low employee morale. Also, Andy is against increasing the minimum
wage. Also, Andy is in favor of replacing minimum wage earners with machines.
Chief Strategist -
Stephen Bannon
Bannon is the former head of
Breitbart News. Breitbart News is known
for headlines such as, The Solution to Online Harassment is Simple: Women Should Log Off, or better yet, Birth
Control Makes Women Unattractive and Crazy.
Also, are you a voter who
was concerned about Hillary Clinton's paid speeches to Goldman Sachs? Meet former Goldman Sachs banker, Stephen
Bannon.
Senior Adviser to the
President - Jared Kushner
Kushner is Trump's
son-in-law. That's him in the picture
under Ivanka, which is where Trump would like to be. Because he has publicly stated his desire to date his daughter. His
daughter, Ivanka, not Tiffany because he's forgotten Tiffany exists. Some are concerned the appointment of
Kushner violates nepotism laws, but I'm really more concerned about Trump
violating Ivanka. Please excuse me
while I write an open letter to Ivanka Trump.
Dear Ivanka,
You need to get out of there. Your brothers are possible serial killers. Your dad wants to date you and your husband is getting way too chummy with your dad, who wants to date you.
You need to get out of there. Your brothers are possible serial killers. Your dad wants to date you and your husband is getting way too chummy with your dad, who wants to date you.
Bitch, run all ready.
Best Wishes,
Donna Troy
??? - Rudy Giuliani
The Trump Administration
does not require the services of Rudy Giuliani at this time. They will keep his resume on file for future
openings.
??? - Chris Christie
Namaste, Bitches
