Saturday, September 24, 2016

There Will Be Blood

On Monday, September 26th, the first presidential debate will take place on NBC. According to NBC, this is the most anticipated debate in history. In my Happy Magical Dream World, the debate is highly anticipated due to the historic nature of the first woman nominee. In my shitty reality, all of America will be tuning in to see if Donald Trump brags about the size of his dick, again.

In any event, I'm choosing to live in my delusion. Join me now as we journey into a magical world where presidential nominees answer questions the way I want them to and dick size is not debated.

Ahhh... I've arrived in my Happy Magical Dream World. It smells like honeysuckle and a shirtless Johnny Depp is making a chocolate milkshake for me. This is so much better than my shitty reality where I don't get to have Johnny Depp or milkshakes. I see some of you haven't joined me, yet. Hurry up. Jesus, I don't have all night. Whatever. Fuck it. I'm starting without you.

The debate is about to begin on the lawn at Graceland. Because I've never been there and I've always wanted to go. Following the debate, Johnny Depp and I will be taking a private tour of Graceland. The rest of you will be asked to leave Happy Magical Dream World at that time.

I'm assuming Graceland has a porch. So I'll put Clinton and Trump on the porch I'm assuming exists. Lester Holt will be moderating from a picnic table at the bottom of the steps. The rest of us will be on the lawn sipping milkshakes while lounging on comfy pool chairs. If you didn't get a milkshake, you must have gotten here late. Johnny Depp doesn't have time to make one for you now.

Lester: Welcome to the first presidential debate of the 2016 election. Blah, blah, blah, rules and shit. Blah, blah, blah, NBC. Blah, blah, blah, opening statements.

Trump: Make America great again, okay, folks. That's what it's all about. I'm doing fantastic with the polls and the votes and the democracy of it all. When elected, I, Donald J. Trump will by executive order end the presidency. We've had Presidents for our entire history, folks. And where has it gotten us? We're losing like never before. The economy is a mess. Poor little baby children are born in the ghetto and their mamas cry. That's from an Elvis song. Did you get that? "In The Ghetto" is one of the great, great Elvis songs. Another great Elvis song is "King Creole." So when I'm elected, I'll declare myself king, King Trump. And I've earned it, folks. I mean Elvis, here's a guy who sang a little song and did a little dance and the liberal media started calling him the king. He didn't have to be elected or give speeches or debate women, who in my opinion, shouldn't even be allowed to run because they're not as good as a man. And, by the way, since the position has been changed from President to King, I believe Hillary Clinton is disqualified. Am I right? This is why I'm one of the great negotiators. I'm playing checkers while Hillary is playing chess. Now, King me, America.

Thank you, Mr. Trump. Secretary Clinton, your opening statement.

Clinton: My fellow Americans, I'm your only hope. I'm the Obi-Wan Kenobi of this election. You need to get this right. I stand before you today and suffer the indignity of debating this Deplorable Basket Person. If you make the wrong choice, do not ask me for help when the time comes to overthrow King Trump. Clean up your own mess. I am not your mother.

Mr. Trump, ISIS is one of the biggest threats to our national security. If elected President or King, what would you do to defeat ISIS?

Lester, I can tell you I will defeat ISIS. Believe me. And don't forget, ISIS formed because Barrack Obama is a black man who didn't know what was going on when Hillary Clinton was using a private email server.

Secretary Clinton, Mr. Trump makes a good point. Please explain your use of a private email server to America, Johnny Depp and the Elvis Presley Estate.

I'm done talking about emails, bitches.

(She removes her shoes, throws one at Trump and the other at Lester causing his glasses to break.)

Now, ask him about his tax returns, Lester.

Okay... Mr. Trump, why haven't you released your tax returns?


Sounds plausible. Moving on. I don't know what the next question is because I can't read the cards without my glasses. So... I guess... I'd like to ask each candidate, what is your favorite Elvis song and why? Secretary Clinton, let's start with you.

"A Little Less Conversation." That's a song that really speaks to where I'm at today. A little less conversation and a little more action, please. I talk and talk and answer the same questions over and over again to the Lester Holts and Matt Lauers of the world. And for what? No one listens. I've been fighting for childcare and paid family leave for thirty years. And yet, Donald and his daughter/lover, Ivanka, said just last week that I have no childcare plan. Now don't get me wrong, I expect the Trumps to lie, but I also expect someone to call bullshit besides my good friend, Donna Troy, who's here supporting me tonight.

(I wave from the lawn while Johnny Depp rubs my feet.)

It's time for action. I'm kicking ass and taking names. Lester and his broken glasses know what I'm talking about. Don't you, Lester?

Mr. Trump, your favorite Elvis song?

First of all, I'm offended by the horrible, horrible things Hillary Clinton just said about my daughter. My kids are great. People come up to me all the time to compliment me on how well my kids turned out despite everything. And I tell them, I say, a lot of the credit goes to my wives, but mostly it was me. I told my kids every day, "don't do drugs." And my kids have never done drugs to this very day. I'm very, very proud of that. For Hillary Clinton to insinuate there's anything wrong with my kids...

Please. Little Don just compared refugees to Skittles.

So? What's wrong with that? This is what I've been saying all along. People are forced to be politically correct because we've got to be like, oh no, I can't say this and I can't say that. I might offend somebody. That's why Hillary Clinton is so boring and reads off a prompter. She's even taking notes right now. I mean, how boring can you be? And Don sent out the Skittles Tweet because Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton are letting tens of thousands of refugees into this country with poisoned Skittles. That's what I'm hearing.

Secretary Clinton, your response.

Taste the rainbow, motherfucker.

I think we're getting a bit off track here. Mr. Trump, your favorite Elvis song?

I've always said, and you can ask anyone, I've said "Rock-A-Hula Baby" is one of the great rock songs. It's got a good beat and you can dance to it. Would you like to see me do a little dance? Can we get some music? Would you like that?

Some other time, perhaps. I'm afraid it's time for closing statements.

All ready?

Yes, Donna Troy has requested the debate be short because she has plans with Johnny Depp, later. Secretary Clinton, your closing statement.

My fellow Americans, Donald Trump has asked you to make him King. But when asked about his favorite Elvis song, he chose "Rock-A-Hula Baby." A song Elvis himself wouldn't even choose. No self-respecting Elvis fan would. No self-respecting American would. Now, maybe Mr. Trump has a hulu lulu from Honolulu. I don't know. But I do know those lyrics don't make sense and neither does Donald Trump.

Mr. Trump, your closing statement.

Oh, Hillary wants to talk about who's got a hulu lulu? You really want to go down that road? Okay, let's do it. The things she did to the women Bill Clinton had affairs with – it's just horrible, folks. And you can read the stories. They're all out there and when poor Monica Lewinski is unemployed because no one will hire her.

Say Lewinski one more time, motherfucker. I dare you.

(Hillary picks up a shard of Lester Holt's broken glasses and walks over to Donald Trump.)

Monica Lewin-

(Hillary slits his throat, silencing Donald Trump forever. He's not dead. He's just unable to speak ever again. No one dies in Happy Magical Dream World.)

This concludes the first, and probably the last debate of the 2016 presidential election.

For those of you in Happy Magical Dream World as my guest, it's time for you to leave. Don't get an attitude. I told you earlier, Johnny and I have plans and you're not invited.

I'll give you a quick recap of what happened after you left. NBC conducted a poll of the people on the Graceland lawn. Johnny Depp and I declared Hillary Clinton the winner of the debate for choosing the better Elvis song.

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, September 19, 2016

Diagnosis Meaningless

For weeks or months or some other length of time, Deplorable Basket People have been spreading conspiracy theories regarding Hillary Clinton's health. Deplorable Basket People being Donald Trump, Sean Hannity and Rudy Giuliani. To be fair, Giuliani had evidence because he Googled shit. He has a law degree, so I guess that means any shit that can be Googled is credible. Which is kind of awesome, because this blog can be Googled. Therefore, any shit I write is credible. Rudy Giuliani has syphilis. It's true because it's here and you can find my blog on Google.

Sean Hannity did all kinds of mental acrobatics in a desperate attempt to prove a clip of Hillary Clinton laughing was actually a deadly seizure caught on tape. Unfortunately for Hannity, all three medical experts who appeared on his show were actual medical experts and refused to diagnose Clinton with incurable brain damage based on a ten second clip. He should have asked Trump's gastroenterologist to come on the show. Dr. Gasbag would have said something like, "If elected, Mrs. Clinton, I can state unequivocally, will be the sickest individual ever elected to the presidency." Hannity would have gotten the diagnosis he wanted and the added bonus of looking slightly less creepy next to Dr. Gasbag.

Donnie has been claiming Hillary Clinton doesn't have the stamina to be President because she sleeps at night. I've spent a lot of time (about two minutes) trying to figure out why Trump believes sleeping at night is an unhealthy habit. The only logical conclusion is Donald Trump is a vampire. It would explain a lot. For instance, it explains all the deaths/possible murders I've connected him to in previous blogs. And many people have noticed a difference between Day Trump and Night Trump. When Trump speaks in the daytime he is rather subdued. He still spouts crazy gibberish, but he lacks the carnival barker aura of excitement and insanity we've come to expect from Night Trump. Of course, this leads to the question of how he doesn't burn up in sunlight. He can't be one of those Twilight vampires because he doesn't sparkle. From watching every episode of True Blood, even after it got stupid, I learned that drinking fairy blood can allow vampires to be in sunlight unharmed for various lengths of time depending upon how much fairy blood was consumed. I'll investigate how Donald Trump has been obtaining Anna Paquin's blood at another time. Finally, "the Trump is a vampire theory" explains the orange makeup. Vampires are notoriously pale. He's overcompensating.

The Deplorable Basket People were vindicated, however, when Hillary Clinton "collapsed" at a 9/11 memorial event. Later that afternoon, it was discovered that Hillary Clinton had been diagnosed with pneumonia and failed to immediately alert the media. What else is she hiding? You may be thinking, "Hey, Donna, pneumonia isn't a big deal. It's a common and easily treatable ailment." If that's true, then why can't I spell pneumonia? Because apparently, I can't and spell-check is being a total dick about it.

For an entire week, the national media relentlessly covered the Hillary Clinton health scare and nothing else. I, for one, am grateful the media spent so much time informing the public about the symptoms and different types of pneumonia with facts they found on WebMD. In the first place, this prevented them from hounding Donald Trump for his non-existent tax returns, which is way less important than Hillary Clinton's pneumonia. Secondly, with the help of WebMD, I was able to diagnose myself with that thing Kennedy had because I have two of the twelve symptoms associated with Addison's Disease. I may also suffer from something called hypochondria. Either way, I'll be seeking immediate medical attention.

Because this is a matter of grave national importance, I've used my super special top secret connections to uncover Hillary Clinton's full medical history. What follows are the most shocking facts about Hillary Clinton's health and how they may disqualify her from the presidency.

Hillary Clinton was born without a penis. No President in our nation's history has ever been born without one. That we know of. I have some theories about why Reagan was so soft spoken.

Hillary Clinton once gave birth. That's just gross.

Hillary Clinton has a peanut allergy. Granted, her medical records only say she has allergies. They don't say what kind. But I've never seen her eat a peanut. Also, it's worth pointing out Jimmy Carter, who has a peanut farm, spoke via recorded message at the DNC. Could this peanut allergy be the reason Clinton didn't invite him to speak in person? How will she be able to work with other world leaders who may also be peanut farmers?

Hillary Clinton can't open a jar of pickles. Although, this can be attributed to the vast right wing Vlasic pickle conspiracy. The makers of Vlasic pickles have been conspiring to keep women barefoot and pregnant for decades. They started the rumor about women craving pickles during pregnancy. Then they use a stork to sell their pickles. What's a stork got to do with pickles? Nothing. The only thing people know about storks is that stupid story about the stork bringing babies. When woman get a jar of Vlasic pickles they think of babies. Then the Vlasic people purposely put the lids on the jars ridiculously tight. So women find men to open pickle jars and knock them up. This is why I don't eat pickles.

Not one to keep silent when attention is being paid to his opponent, Donald Trump had a physical and appeared on The Dr. Oz Show to talk about it. I couldn't bring myself to watch The Dr. Oz Show. Dr. Oz is the Donald Trump of TV doctors. He'll put his name on anything if it sells and doesn't care if he's scamming the public. He gives out medical advice he read in a Tweet as if it's from a credible source. But in all fairness, he's a registered Republican, so he can't be expected to believe facts.

Dr. Oz is also a Muslim born of Turkish immigrants. So he can't afford to be on Donnie's bad side if he wants to stay in this country and keep taking daytime talk shows away from hard working Americans. Also, I can't believe game shows and soap operas are fading away from daytime TV lineups, yet, talk shows refuse to die. Daytime talk shows are boring and stupid and every B, C and D list celebrity has had one. Jerry Springer's body guard has a talk show. Which means there is actually a show I want to watch less than Jerry Springer.

Anyway, in lieu of watching Dr. Oz, I watched an interview done with an audience member after the taping. I learned the following dumb ass facts about Donald Trump's health.

Donald Trump is a little overweight. A fact we can all see.

Despite his billions and billions of dollars, Trump eats mostly fast food because he "knows what's in it." I call bullshit. No one would eat fast food if we knew what was in it. I would never eat a McNugget again if I knew what they actually were made of. We all know that shit isn't chicken. On the off chance he does know what's in it, I believe he owes it to the American public to tell us what's in the Colonel's secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.

He considers hand gestures exercise. I have nothing to add to that.

Donnie feels as good at seventy as he did at thirty. Most likely because vampires are immortal.

Despite graduating from military school, Donnie avoided the draft because his foot hurt. Excuse me, I mean, because he was rich and his foot hurt. Poor people with sore feet went to Vietnam and had their legs blown off. To which Donnie said, "At least their feet don't hurt anymore."

Trump knows Scott Baio. Scott Baio once played a doctor on a TV show with Dick Van Dyke. Scott Baio would tell Donnie if he thought there was a problem with his health. Like on that episode of The Potsie Show when Scott Baio was the special guest star. And Potsie had a bad cough and Chachi tried to get him to go to the doctor. But Potsie didn't want to go because he had a date with a hot chick that night. So he went on his date and coughed through dinner. It was gross, so the hot chick ditched him for a football player. Then Chachi took Potsie to the doctor and it turned out he had pneumonia. Then they had soup.

Namaste, Bitches


guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. I wanted to add an interesting editor's note. In The Art of a Deal... Appendix II, you referred to Trump as "undead". I've had my team monitoring Anna Paquin ever since. You can look forward to my report.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Top Gun (cont.)

The Commander in Chief Forum

Brought to You by NBC
No Opinions. No Facts.

We're back. Please welcome Donald Trump. Mr. Trump, thank you for being here. I'm going to ask you to keep the personal attacks to a minimum.

Donald Trump: Why?

Just please do it. What have you experienced that prepares you to be Commander in Chief?

I run a successful business. I travel all over the world. I work with China who is totally taking advantage of us, by the way. We're losing to China like no one has ever seen before. I call the shots when I'm in China. I have good judgment. I watched you interview Hillary Clinton, so I know you want to hear about judgment. I have very, very tremendous judgment. I heard Hillary say that I wasn't against the Iraq war. Not true. I said the Iraq war was going to destabilize the foreign lands. You can look at an interview I gave to Esquire magazine in 1998. I didn't say a single thing about going to war with Iraq. Not a single thing. You can look at interviews I gave before that even. I never talked about going to war with Iraq. If I thought war in Iraq was a good idea, I would have talked about it.

Recently, you said that you regretted things you've said in the heat of the moment. Doesn't that make you a risky candidate?

Sure, I regret things, but I won. So to a certain extent, I don't regret. I defeated sixteen people. That's never happened before in the history of Republicans, politics or Americans. I got the most votes of anybody who's ever run against sixteen people before. I ran a history-making campaign, Matt. Did you see what just happened in Mexico? I went to Mexico. Did you see that? I went to Mexico and I told them, I said, "We're America." Mexico is changed forever now. The people who arranged the trip are being pushed out of the Mexican government. Nothing like this has ever happened before.

You once said you will always tell the truth.

It's true.

You said you know more about ISIS than the generals. Is that true?

Under the leadership of Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton, the generals have been reduced to rubble. A bunch of Barney Rubbles is what they are. Just goofy sidekicks with no understanding of what it takes to defeat ISIS. It's a total disaster. Hillary Clinton is like the Wilma Flintstone of the administration, okay. She's part of a modern stone age family. We need change, Matt, and certain of the generals, in part because of Barrack Obama, are weak. It's a total embarrassment.

Let's go to Hallie Jackson with a soldier.

I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: Mr. Trump, assuming we do defeat ISIS, what is your plan to ensure another group like them doesn't come back?

What happened was, we go into these countries and we don't know what to do with them when we're done. Like, it's a mess. Iraq was destabilized, and the way Obama went out of Iraq – I always said we shouldn't be in Iraq, but if we're going to be there anyway, take the oil. Because what happened was we left Iraq and we left the oil and ISIS formed because we didn't take the oil. So, like I've always said, and I think you know because you've been watching me for a long time, I always said we shouldn't be in Iraq, but as long as we're there, take the oil.

How would we take the oil?

We leave a certain group there who's in charge of oil in certain sections where the oil is. Like the Ewing family from Dallas. You send J.R. and Bobby and Miss Elly, and you know, Matt, they've been in the oil business for decades and decades. So that's how you do it. You take the oil.

You've said you won't tell us your plan for defeating ISIS. Yesterday, you said you're going to convene with your generals and give them thirty days to come up with a plan for defeating ISIS. Is your plan to ask someone else for a plan?

No. I have a plan, but I'm also going to listen to other people's plans and maybe we'll go with my plan. Maybe we'll go with their plan if I like it. Maybe we'll combine the plans. I'm not going to call you up and say, "Matt, I've got a tremendous plan. You won't believe it." Barrack Obama does that. He calls Matt Lauer every time he makes a plan and that's the problem with our foreign policy. No offense, Matt, but you're on TV. So, if I call you with a plan, then you're going to tell your audience my plan and everyone will know my plan. So maybe it'll be my plan. Maybe it'll be the generals' plan. Unpredictability is the key.

But you've said you know more than the generals.

Matt. Matt, it'll be different generals probably. Also, I'm going to be looking back at the plans of some of the great, great generals. Like General MacArthur, General Patton and General Tso. General Tso has a chicken named after him. You don't get your own chicken without having been one of the great, great generals. General Tso was one of the great Chinese generals. The Chinese are very, very smart and sneaky and we're losing to them badly. And, look, I could be President. Make America great again, okay. That's what I'm doing.

You recently had your first security briefing. I'm going to ask you about it because I know you won't be able to resist saying something you're not supposed to. I'm going to remind you not to go into detail so no one will be able to pin this security breach on me. Did you learn anything in that briefing that shocked you?

Yes. Barrack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry, who I forgot to talk about earlier and is also a total disaster, haven't been listening to our top security officials. Our intelligence people are not happy with them at all. Like, I'm good with the body language, okay. I always win at charades. And what I got from the body language was that Barrack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry have been doing the opposite of what our intelligence officials have asked them to do. Our intelligence community is very, very unhappy with our leadership. That I can tell you.

Let's go to Hallie Jackson with another soldier.

You don't want to ask a follow-up question to that, Matt?


Yeah, I'm here with a lady soldier.

Lady Soldier: Mr. Trump, do you believe undocumented immigrants who want to serve in the military should be able to stay in the country?

Yeah, that's special. I'll work something out.

Let's go to Hallie Jackson with another soldier.

I'm here with another soldier.

Soldier: Mr. Trump, what steps would you take to negotiate with Mr. Putin?

I would get along well with many, many foreign leaders. It's sad when Barrack Obama visits China and he has to use the stairs that mechanics use to get off the plane. I mean, they wouldn't give him proper president stairs. A president shouldn't be using the same stairs as mechanics. It sends a very, very strong message that we're weak. I think I would get along well with Putin. Did you see the planes? Russia's planes circled one of our planes in a very taunting manner. When Barrack Obama and Putin look at each other, it's like, it's a bad situation. I think it would be great if I got along with Putin and we would knock the hell out of ISIS. I mean, when I look at President Obama and I look at Putin, it's like, what the hell is going on? You know? And Barrack Obama went to Saudi Arabia and Cuba and, I don't know, but Air Force One has a long history that is being disgraced. It's called diplomatic, okay.

Vladimir Putin called you brilliant and you said that was nice.

Look, if he says nice things about me, I'm going to say nice things about him. I'm a negotiator, okay. I'm one of the great negotiators. Calling me brilliant isn't going to get him anywhere, but he's one of the great leaders. I don't like the way he runs his country, but he's a strong leader. He's stronger than Barrack Obama. And when Hillary Clinton has e-mails and we don't know what they say.... We're going to take our country back. We're failing miserably, and it doesn't matter what Putin says, but possibly, anything is possible, we're going to get along. And you can say, "Oh, isn't that terrible." But look at Barrack Obama.

Let's go to Hallie Jackson with another soldier.

I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: Mr. Trump, you talk a lot about supporting veterans, but I haven't heard any actual plans. What are your plans to support veterans?

I have a great relationship with the Vets. You can see in the polls, I'm doing well with the Vets. A poll just came out today where my numbers are through the roof with the Vets. We're going to cut down wait times. By the way, people are dying while they're waiting in line. Hillary Clinton said the VA is fine.

That's not true.

She made up a lot of stuff about me. Even if some of it happens to be true, it's not. And, by the way, I have no plans to privatize the VA. But, if you're waiting in line for six or seven days, I say, go to a private practice. Go see the doctor. Get your prescription or whatever. Get well.

We're going to Hallie Jackson with another solder.

I'm here with another soldier.

Soldier: Mr. Trump, what is your plan to stop twenty veterans a day from killing themselves?

Part of it is they're killing themselves because they have to wait to see a doctor. Did you hear what I said before about going to a private hospital? The VA is corrupt. Did you see what happened in Arizona? And they can't even fire the people that did the really awful things? They need help and we're going to make it efficient. But if you can't see the doctor, then go to a private hospital. It's tragic and I can't believe it's happening in this country. But if they go to a private hospital, perhaps they have their own room and they're given ginger ale and a fruit cup.

We have time for one more question. Let's go to Hallie Jackson.

I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: What would you do to support the victims of sexual assault in the military?

You once tweeted, "26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military – only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?"

Well, it's a correct tweet, Matt. If the sexual assaults are unreported, how would we get convictions? It's a massive problem, but if we can't get convictions it can't be fixed, Matt. Look at the numbers. Something has to be done. But things are happening and it's not getting fixed.

What kind of research are you doing to prepare for the possibility of becoming President of the United States?

I have a list of eighty-eight generals. It's in my pocket, look. And also, don't forget, I'm running a campaign. I'm running a business. So, I'm learning a lot, but also, I have common sense. So, I'll listen to the generals and the admirals, but also, my children are helping. So, I think I bring a lot to the table.

Will you be prepared on day one to tackle complex national security issues?

Hey, Matt, don't forget, Hillary Clinton made a terrible mistake with Libya and the management of after that happened. We have great management talent. I'm totally prepared to manage things. I've been managing things and been interested in things my whole life.

If you're elected, have you given any thought to the moment when you'll have to make the decision to put the men and women of our armed forces in harm's way?

Matt, I prefer to make my decisions on the fly. I go with my gut. My gut is usually right. And my gut is very, very cautious. Unlike, Hillary Clinton, who has a happy trigger. We're talking about death. Thousands and thousands of deaths. Who do you want to make that decision? A cautious gut or a happy trigger?

I think you mean a happy trigger finger. That's the saying.

Oh, is it? Who cares? Our military is a mess. I mean, they're great people, but under the current leadership, it's a total disaster. I'm going to make America great again. I'm going to make America strong again. I'm going to make America one nation under Trump with a cautious gut, but also, with a brave heart. Which is a great movie, by the way, Braveheart. Have you seen it? With Mel Gibson? When I think of what the politically correct, corrupt media has done to Mel Gibson. I mean, here's a guy who had a great career. And just because he said something that isn't exactly politically correct, his career is over. Just like that, folks. And now, they're making a Lethal Weapon TV series, and Mel isn't going to be in it. Our country is a total disaster. I'm the only one who can fix it.

The Republican nominee for President, Donald Trump. Thank you for being here.

Thanks, Matt.

I want to thank all the Vets for being here tonight. Thanks to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. To those of you watching at home, remember, voting is one of the most important decisions you'll ever get to make. So, vote for the winner of America's Got Talent, coming up next on NBC.
Namaste, Bitches

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Top Gun

The Commander in Chief Forum

Brought to You by NBC
Hosted by Matt Lauer

Why Matt Lauer?
The National Broadcasting Company has recently come to the realization that Matt Lauer should probably do something to earn the eight figure salary we pay him.

Matt Lauer: Good evening. I'm Matt Lauer. We're on a plane. We have soldiers. Let's do this shit.

Please welcome Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Matt. It's great to be here, tonight. Thank you for doing this.

Mrs. Clinton, I'm going to address you as Mrs. Clinton even though I'm fully aware I should be addressing you by your proper title, Secretary Clinton. I'm a dick like that. Ask Ann Curry.


I'm going to ask you a question and tell you how to answer it. Tell us what qualifies you to be President, without insulting your opponent, to the best of your ability. I understand 'to the best of your ability' may sound condescending, but we all know it's hard for a woman not to be catty and spiteful. What is the most important characteristic that a Commander in Chief can possess?

Steadiness combined with the strength to make hard decisions. I've been in the Situation Room, the real one, not the Wolf Blitzer show. We need a Commander in Chief who listens and evaluates the information being told to him or her. You want a President who is able to sort out –

I'm going to interrupt and put words in your mouth. You're talking about judgment. The segue I've prepared doesn't work if you don't say judgment.

Yes, of course, it's important for the President to have good judgment.

Aha! You said judgment. Wasn't your private e-mail server an example of poor judgment?

Matt, I'm going to repeat what you already know because I've been answering this question for a year. No top secret information went through my e-mail server. The FBI report backs it up.

Did you talk about the super secret covert drone program?

I'm going to answer this one more time. Then, if you bring up the e-mail server again, I'm going to go all Tom Cruise on your ass. No top secret information was communicated through my private e-mail server. When I was in Pakistan –

Shut up. It's time for me to interrupt. Pakistan. You communicated with your private e-mail when you were overseas. Director Comey said it's possible you could have been hacked.

Tom Cruise it is. Matt. Matt, Matt, Matt. You're so glib, Matt. You're so glib. You don't know the history of electronic mail. I do. The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation investigated and found no evidence of hacking.

Let's go to Hallie Jackson in the audience with a question from a Vet.

Hallie Jackson: Yeah, I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: Secretary Clinton, the producers told me to ask you about e-mails and classified information.

Let me try to clarify what I just told Matt. I take classified information very seriously. I used a wholly different system to communicate classified information. When I was overseas, I went into a tent –

Let us move on, because you're not answering the question the way I want you to.

Mrs. Clinton, you said your vote for the war in Iraq was a mistake. A lot of these people served in Iraq. Don't you think it makes them feel bad when you say it was a mistake?

It was a mistake. We need to learn from it so that we never go down that road again. I'm asking to be judged on the totality of my record. Now, I'm going to list all the good works I've done for the military. Death benefits for gold star families, suicide prevention –

Shut up. I have a question about that I planned to ask later.

I've taken responsibility for my decision in the Iraq war. Trump denies he was in favor of the war. He told Howard Stern he was for it and –

Let's move on. That question didn't break you like I'd hoped. Hallie, give us another soldier.

Matt, I'm here with a lady soldier.

Lady Soldier: Secretary Clinton, you're perceived as being hawkish. I don't want to die. What will you do about that?

Military action is a last resort, not a first choice. With respect to Libya –

I'm going to jump in here. Let's talk about the Iran Nuclear Deal. You expect the Iranians to cheat, right? Won't we have to go to war, then?

When we began talks with the Iranians, they were on a fast track to nuclear weapons. What we have been able to accomplish –

You think they'll cheat?

Please stop interrupting me. It's very important for people to understand this.

Please answer quickly. I wrote down a lot of questions I want to ask and we can't preempt America's Got Talent for this.

We've locked down their nuclear weapons program, but they're involved in other shenanigans we've got to keep an eye on.

Hallie, give us another soldier.

Matt, I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: Secretary Clinton, you said the problems with the VA aren't as widespread as they seem. Please explain.

I was speaking about the agenda to privatize the VA, which is what Trump and his people want to do. I'm outraged by the problems with the VA. I plan to have weekly meetings to improve the care of our soldiers. We're living in a technological age and –

I'm going to jump in here. Let's talk about the suicide rate among veterans. How are you going to stop it?

I tried to talk about that earlier and you interrupted me.

I didn't want to talk about it then.

I rolled out a detailed plan last week, which addresses mental health treatment for soldiers. We need to de-stigmatize mental –

Let's go to Hallie Jackson with another soldier.

I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: Secretary Clinton, how will you decide if and when to deploy troops to defeat ISIS?

Answer as briefly as you can. America's Got Talent has to start promptly at nine.

Defeating ISIS is a top priority. We will not commit ground troops to Iraq or Syria. When I became Secretary of State –

Thank you very much for your question. Mrs. Clinton, we're running out of time and I can't afford to piss off Simon Cowell.

I have a very stupid question I worked hard on all week. Would your message as President be the reality is that terror attacks on American soil are going to happen and there's nothing we can do about it? And can you guarantee that America will be safer after four years of a Clinton presidency?

Well, Matt, those are actually two stupid questions. I'm not going to promise something most thinking people realize is a challenge. I'm going to work hard to make sure we are safer. I've put together a counter terrorism coalition –

You have thirty seconds left, and I still need to remind the audience to tune into America's Got Talent, tonight. Remember to vote for your favorite act or they won't make it to the finale. Don't miss out on your chance to vote for the winner of America's Got Talent.

Uh, okay. As I was saying, we need a strong online presence to –

And we're out of time. Thank you for being here tonight, Mrs. Clinton.

We'll be right back with Donald Trump after this short break.

Stay tuned for America's Got Talent following the Commander in Chief Forum
The rest is coming soon.

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, September 5, 2016

The White Album

After fifteen months of crude racial slurs, and threats of wall building and deporting the citizens of Indiana, someone pointed out to Donald Trump that he needs an actual immigration policy. He immediately fired that person, then began drafting an immigration policy claiming it had been his plan to do so all along. In an attempt to create a winning strategy, he met with some Hispanic people for about an hour at Trump Tower. Donnie wanted to treat them to their native cuisine, so he had his private chef prepare taco salads. After meeting with the Taco Salad Commission, Donnie traveled to Mexico where he met with President Enrique Peña Nieto. From these meetings, Donnie's greatest and boldest act of copyright infringement was born: his ten point immigration plan – hereinafter referred to as The Trump White Album.

Track One – Back in the U.S.S.R.
"Come and keep your comrade warm"

Following the weird and random meeting with President Peña Nieto, The Donnie and El Presidente gave a weird and random press conference. When asked about the wall, The Donnie said it didn't come up. Which was odd considering the stupid and impractical wall has been the basis for his entire campaign. Later that day, President Peña Nieto sent out a tweet contradicting The Donnie:
"Repito lo que le dije personalmente, Sr. Trump: México jamás pagaría por un muro."
Trump retweeted it believing it to read, "Mexico loves Sr. Trump very much." Shortly after, a member of the Taco Salad Commission properly translated it for Donnie:
"I repeat what I told him personally, Mr. Trump: Mexico will never pay for a wall."
Trump. Was. Pissed. Later that evening, Trump made the following statement during his much anticipated immigration policy speech:
Mexico doesn't know it yet, but they're paying for the wall.
After which, President Peña Nieto sent out another tweet:
"Sr. Trump, no."
Trump showed the tweet to his Taco Salad translator who advised him "no" means the same thing in English and Spanish.

Track Two – Happiness is a Warm Gun
"Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy"

Trump has vowed to end catch-and-release. This applies only to immigrants, not fish. Track Two states any immigrant who is in the country illegally and is arrested by law enforcement will be detained until they are deported. It's important to note this only applies to brown immigrants. If say, a white guy from England who's in the country illegally gets busted with drugs, it's cool.

Track Three – The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill
"He's the all American bullet-headed Saxon mother's son"

Trump will create a deportation task force and focus on criminals in the country illegally. He will make deporting criminals a top priority. Trump is counting on the ignorance of his supporters, because we already do this.

Track Four – Glass Onion
"I told you about the fool on the hill
I tell you man he living there still"

Trump will defund "sanctuary cities," cities which have policies in place that aid or protect undocumented workers. A bill to defund "sanctuary cities" was rejected by the Senate two months ago. When asked how he planned to get the bill passed, Donnie said he planned on doing something he called the thing from The Matrix.

And now I direct you to this article in Mother Jones about how Trump Model Management used foreign models who came to the United States on tourist visas that did not permit them to work.

Track Five – Revolution
"You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan"

Trump plans to cancel all of President Obama's executive actions. Like the one that grants children brought into the country illegally temporary legal status, because fuck the children. And the one that gives temporary legal status to parents of American citizens, because fuck the children.

Track Six – Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Monkey
"Your inside is out and your outside is in"

This is Trump's extreme vetting plan. You may be asking yourself, "What the fuck is extreme vetting?" According to Donnie, extreme vetting is a process by which people will be asked a series of stupid questions before being allowed to enter the country. Examples of extreme vetting follow:

Do you plan to commit an act of terror while in the country?

Did you lie when you answered the previous question?

Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know?

Track Seven – Wild Honey Pie
"Oh honey pie you are driving me frantic
Sail across the Atlantic
To be where you belong"

Trump intends to force other nations to take back those whom the U.S. wants to deport. He didn't say how he planned to accomplish this, but sources say he plans on doing something he calls that thing from The Matrix.

Track Eight – Yer Blues
"The eagle picks my eye
The worm he licks my bone"

Trump intends to track and identify immigrants with biometrics such as fingerprinting, retinal scans and something he calls that thing from The Matrix.

Track Nine – I'm So Tired
"You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm"

Trump believes making E-Verify mandatory will limit job opportunities for undocumented workers. I can speak from personal professional experience on this one. E-Verify is a fucking joke.

For starters, people who have lived and worked in the U.S. their entire lives act like they've never filled out an I-9 before. I've had to inform someone that a bus pass is not a valid form of ID. True story.

Next, women change their names a lot depending upon their marital status. This causes problems as they may have legally changed their name, but not their driver's license, etc. So, I'm wasting a lot of time looking up the wrong name. A woman argued with me because she put one name on the I-9, had a different name on her Social Security card and yet, a third name on her license. But it was obviously my fault I couldn't figure out which was her current legal name. Which resulted in having to run her through E-Verify multiple times. Which is supposed to be a red flag. But as it turns out, changing husbands every time the seasons change doesn't affect one's eligibility for employment. True story.

Then there are people who firmly believe it is their constitutional right to withhold the information that is required on the I-9 form. That information being name, address, SSN, date of birth and two forms of ID. I've never had an employer who didn't possess that basic knowledge about me and I have no clue why these people think they don't have to share it. A jackass once asked me why I needed this information. I said, "I don't. The United States government needs it. We can't hire you without it. Do you want a job or not?" True story.

Finally, my personal favorite, this dumb bitch I used to work with was trying to get her boyfriend a job. She brings me his I-9. When I take a look at it, I see she has given me a copy of his Mexican passport as ID. I walk it back over to her. She looks up at me, rolls her eyes, sighs and says, "Yes?" This dumb bitch has decided to make the fact that she can't support herself and her boyfriend my problem, and she has the nerve to act like I'm bothering her.

Me: I can't use this. This is a Mexican passport.

Dumb Bitch: How do you know that?

Me: It's in Spanish, number one. It says Estados Unidos Mexicanos, number two.

Dumb Bitch: Oh.

True story.

By law, you can't run an E-Verify check until you've offered the person a job. Once they've been offered a job, you have three days to run E-Verify. Since we can't get people to complete their I-9s properly and in a timely fashion, we are never in compliance with E-Verify. And somehow we've been getting away with it. True story. E-Verify is a fucking joke.

Track Ten – Helter Skelter
"Will you, won't you want me to make you
I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you"

Trump's final track in his ten track plan from his one track mind is to limit legal immigration. That's right. He doesn't like illegal immigrants, but he's not crazy about the legal ones either. Except, of course, for the ones he's married. From what I gathered during his speech, Donnie is personally going to pick who gets to come into the country. He plans to pick people who will assimilate well and not try to bring any part of their culture here because we already have taco salads. He also won't be letting people in who plan to take jobs away from American workers, like those undocumented Polish workers he hired to build Trump Tower.

Most importantly, under this policy Libyan and Syrian refugees are out. Trump plans to change the plaque on the Statue of Liberty in order to downplay his whole being-a-total-dick-to-refugees thing. Currently it reads:
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Under a Trump administration it will read:
"'Oh shut up, silly woman,' said the reptile with a grin.
'You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in.'"
Namaste, Bitches


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