Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Top Gun

The Commander in Chief Forum

Brought to You by NBC
Hosted by Matt Lauer

Why Matt Lauer?
The National Broadcasting Company has recently come to the realization that Matt Lauer should probably do something to earn the eight figure salary we pay him.

Matt Lauer: Good evening. I'm Matt Lauer. We're on a plane. We have soldiers. Let's do this shit.

Please welcome Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Matt. It's great to be here, tonight. Thank you for doing this.

Mrs. Clinton, I'm going to address you as Mrs. Clinton even though I'm fully aware I should be addressing you by your proper title, Secretary Clinton. I'm a dick like that. Ask Ann Curry.


I'm going to ask you a question and tell you how to answer it. Tell us what qualifies you to be President, without insulting your opponent, to the best of your ability. I understand 'to the best of your ability' may sound condescending, but we all know it's hard for a woman not to be catty and spiteful. What is the most important characteristic that a Commander in Chief can possess?

Steadiness combined with the strength to make hard decisions. I've been in the Situation Room, the real one, not the Wolf Blitzer show. We need a Commander in Chief who listens and evaluates the information being told to him or her. You want a President who is able to sort out –

I'm going to interrupt and put words in your mouth. You're talking about judgment. The segue I've prepared doesn't work if you don't say judgment.

Yes, of course, it's important for the President to have good judgment.

Aha! You said judgment. Wasn't your private e-mail server an example of poor judgment?

Matt, I'm going to repeat what you already know because I've been answering this question for a year. No top secret information went through my e-mail server. The FBI report backs it up.

Did you talk about the super secret covert drone program?

I'm going to answer this one more time. Then, if you bring up the e-mail server again, I'm going to go all Tom Cruise on your ass. No top secret information was communicated through my private e-mail server. When I was in Pakistan –

Shut up. It's time for me to interrupt. Pakistan. You communicated with your private e-mail when you were overseas. Director Comey said it's possible you could have been hacked.

Tom Cruise it is. Matt. Matt, Matt, Matt. You're so glib, Matt. You're so glib. You don't know the history of electronic mail. I do. The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation investigated and found no evidence of hacking.

Let's go to Hallie Jackson in the audience with a question from a Vet.

Hallie Jackson: Yeah, I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: Secretary Clinton, the producers told me to ask you about e-mails and classified information.

Let me try to clarify what I just told Matt. I take classified information very seriously. I used a wholly different system to communicate classified information. When I was overseas, I went into a tent –

Let us move on, because you're not answering the question the way I want you to.

Mrs. Clinton, you said your vote for the war in Iraq was a mistake. A lot of these people served in Iraq. Don't you think it makes them feel bad when you say it was a mistake?

It was a mistake. We need to learn from it so that we never go down that road again. I'm asking to be judged on the totality of my record. Now, I'm going to list all the good works I've done for the military. Death benefits for gold star families, suicide prevention –

Shut up. I have a question about that I planned to ask later.

I've taken responsibility for my decision in the Iraq war. Trump denies he was in favor of the war. He told Howard Stern he was for it and –

Let's move on. That question didn't break you like I'd hoped. Hallie, give us another soldier.

Matt, I'm here with a lady soldier.

Lady Soldier: Secretary Clinton, you're perceived as being hawkish. I don't want to die. What will you do about that?

Military action is a last resort, not a first choice. With respect to Libya –

I'm going to jump in here. Let's talk about the Iran Nuclear Deal. You expect the Iranians to cheat, right? Won't we have to go to war, then?

When we began talks with the Iranians, they were on a fast track to nuclear weapons. What we have been able to accomplish –

You think they'll cheat?

Please stop interrupting me. It's very important for people to understand this.

Please answer quickly. I wrote down a lot of questions I want to ask and we can't preempt America's Got Talent for this.

We've locked down their nuclear weapons program, but they're involved in other shenanigans we've got to keep an eye on.

Hallie, give us another soldier.

Matt, I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: Secretary Clinton, you said the problems with the VA aren't as widespread as they seem. Please explain.

I was speaking about the agenda to privatize the VA, which is what Trump and his people want to do. I'm outraged by the problems with the VA. I plan to have weekly meetings to improve the care of our soldiers. We're living in a technological age and –

I'm going to jump in here. Let's talk about the suicide rate among veterans. How are you going to stop it?

I tried to talk about that earlier and you interrupted me.

I didn't want to talk about it then.

I rolled out a detailed plan last week, which addresses mental health treatment for soldiers. We need to de-stigmatize mental –

Let's go to Hallie Jackson with another soldier.

I'm here with a soldier.

Soldier: Secretary Clinton, how will you decide if and when to deploy troops to defeat ISIS?

Answer as briefly as you can. America's Got Talent has to start promptly at nine.

Defeating ISIS is a top priority. We will not commit ground troops to Iraq or Syria. When I became Secretary of State –

Thank you very much for your question. Mrs. Clinton, we're running out of time and I can't afford to piss off Simon Cowell.

I have a very stupid question I worked hard on all week. Would your message as President be the reality is that terror attacks on American soil are going to happen and there's nothing we can do about it? And can you guarantee that America will be safer after four years of a Clinton presidency?

Well, Matt, those are actually two stupid questions. I'm not going to promise something most thinking people realize is a challenge. I'm going to work hard to make sure we are safer. I've put together a counter terrorism coalition –

You have thirty seconds left, and I still need to remind the audience to tune into America's Got Talent, tonight. Remember to vote for your favorite act or they won't make it to the finale. Don't miss out on your chance to vote for the winner of America's Got Talent.

Uh, okay. As I was saying, we need a strong online presence to –

And we're out of time. Thank you for being here tonight, Mrs. Clinton.

We'll be right back with Donald Trump after this short break.

Stay tuned for America's Got Talent following the Commander in Chief Forum
The rest is coming soon.

Namaste, Bitches


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