Sunday, February 9, 2020

Mad Rush

I saw a meme once which read something like, “Once you hate a person, everything they do annoys you. Look at the bitch over there eating crackers like she owns the place.” I didn’t watch The State of The Union the night it aired because I had a horrible migraine and I didn’t feel like watching that bitch eat crackers like he owns the place.

I turned on the news after The State of The Union and was tempted to go online and watch it after I saw Nancy Pelosi tear up the speech like a total boss bitch. However, my head still hurt and nine out of ten doctors agree that prolonged exposure to Donald Trump can cause headaches, dizziness and nausea.

The previous day I relayed the breaking news of Rush Limbaugh’s terminal lung cancer to my roommate, Dee Dee On The Street. And she said, “That’s because God don’t like ugly. And if you don’t believe in God, karma’s a bitch. And if you don’t believe in karma, no matter how you slice the pie, bitch gonna get cut.”

During the SOTU, Trump bestowed the Presidential Medal of Freedom unto Rush Limbaugh. Now I gotta cut a bitch.

It may seem cold to unleash my wrath upon a man who is terminally ill. But whenever someone dies people always regret not telling the person how they felt about them when they were alive. And I’ve been living with that deep regret for three years. Yes, three years ago on this very blog site I told Roger Ailes that I was coming for him. And sadly, Ailes died in a freak shower accident before I had a chance to slay that motherfucker.

Every day since then I’ve second guessed my decision to delay unleashing my wrath upon Roger Ailes. The election was happening and it consumed my every blog. I thought there would be more time. Perhaps, I should have known Roger Ailes was incapable of showering properly. He was a filthy motherfucker after all. He’d probably spent three decades forcing blonde sleeveless Fox News “reporters” to sponge him off in his office. 

But alas, it doesn’t matter. For he is dead and I will never get the chance to tell the filthy motherfucker how much contempt I hold in my heart for him. Because of this I have vowed not to let Rush Limbaugh die without telling him how much of a repugnant piece of shit I think he is.

You may be asking, “Donna, what makes you think Rush Limbaugh will even read your blog?” To that I say, he probably won’t. However, the Internet is a mysterious and wondrous place. I’ve never tagged Scott Baio in a tweet, nor commented on any tweet he’s posted. Yet, Scott Baio has blocked me on Twitter. Of course, I have mercilessly ridiculed him and called him a pedophile in my blogs and on Twitter. So it’s not surprising that he wouldn’t want to read something I’ve written. I do find it surprising that he may have actually read something I’ve written. 

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Scott Baio.

Dear Chachi,

Dude, I have more than one Twitter account.

You can run, but you can’t hide.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Knowing that I got under Chachi’s skin means I will have no regrets when he dies. That motherfucker can drop dead at any time and I’ll be fine. Which is all that really matters.

As you may know, it is common practice for media outlets to produce obituaries of notable public figures in advance. Though it has been my practice to accuse Donald Trump of murdering such notables in lieu of writing obituaries, I have chosen to make an exception in Limbaugh’s case.

My fellow Americans, blog followers and Rush Limbaugh, please enjoy the following:

Rush Limbaugh Dies – The Weary World Rejoices

December 24, 2020

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh died today. Idiots around the nation are mourning the loss of the man they called, “The Voice of the Willfully Ignorant.” The smarter parts of the nation are rejoicing as the title suggests.

President-Elect Donna Troy, whose name is being used as a place holder until a clear democratic front runner emerges, stated that one of her first official acts will be to rescind the Presidential Medal of Freedom awarded to Limbaugh. “It’s an insult to all other recipients. Rush Limbaugh will not be included along side such meritorious examples of humanity as Mother Teresa, Maya Angelou, Helen Keller and Mister Rogers or my name’s not Donna Troy.”

Born somewhere in nineteen fifty-something, young Rush dreamed of becoming a TV star like his idol, the chimp from the Today Show. Despite either the inability or unwillingness to read, Rush managed to barely graduate high school. He then set off to fulfill his dream of working in television, but his dream was quickly dashed. In a world where Donald Trump would one day become the host of a hit TV show, Limbaugh was deemed too ugly and unlikable for TV. 

Limbaugh swore he would devote the rest of his life to exacting revenge upon the mainstream media. This dream would not see fruition either as the mainstream media treated him as a joke until the day he died and will most likely continue to do so long after his death.

With a TV career no longer a viable option, Rush followed in the footsteps of such ugly unlikable men as Howard Stern and Don Imus, and turned to radio. It was in radio where Rush found his voice. It was the voice of the loud, obnoxious, inebriated uncle everyone desperately tries to avoid at Thanksgiving. He quickly amassed a following of loud, obnoxious, inebriated uncles being desperately avoided by their families.

Throughout his disreputable career, Limbaugh made a name for himself by making bold statements that have been deemed ugly and unlikable.
He once stated "the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons." In an unprecedented move the Bloods and the Crips released a joint statement in response. “We find the words of Rush Limbaugh to be irresponsible, reprehensible and overtly racist. He is nothing more than a school yard bully who never grew up and his comments should not be given any credence.”

The joint statement from the rival gangs was especially surprising as it has been reported no one in either gang had even heard of Rush Limbaugh prior to this event. It is believed they heard the news from a neighbor who told them, “Yo, some old white dude’s been talking some shit.”

Limbaugh outraged women everywhere when he dismissed the concept of sexual consent. Limbaugh defended his comments by saying, “No woman has ever said yes to me and I’m not a virgin. So there you go.” 

Limbaugh was also a vocal critic of feminism stating that feminism "was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society." Much the same way radio was established so as to allow unattractive men easier access to the mainstream of society.

He was an outspoken critic of the scientific consensus on climate change, calling it "just a bunch of scientists.” In fact, it was his reluctance to believe in science which ultimately led to his untimely death. Limbaugh’s doctors advised him years ago he would live longer if he exercised, ate better, and stopped doing drugs and having unprotected rape, but he refused to heed their warnings.

In October 2006, Limbaugh said Michael J. Fox had exaggerated the effects of his Parkinson’s Disease in an advertisement advocating for funding of stem cell research. Limbaugh said that Fox had been "shameless" in "moving all around and shaking." It is believed Limbaugh was simply jealous because Fox had been deemed attractive and likable enough to have a TV career.

When reached for comment, Fox replied,

On October 5, 1995, Limbaugh stated, "too many whites are getting away with drug use." He further stated "Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up."

In October, 2003, Limbaugh was investigated for illegally obtaining oxycodone and hydrocodone. On his radio show, Limbaugh admitted to illegally obtaining the drugs and being a straight up addict. He was never charged with a crime. This prompted many in the mainstream media to comment, “too many whites are getting away with drug use.”

In June 2006, Limbaugh was detained at an airport when customs officials found Viagra in his luggage. The prescription was not in Limbaugh’s name. Drug officials found this perplexing as it is not difficult to obtain a Viagra prescription, prompting one officer to say to Limbaugh, “Dude, how limp is your dick if a doctor looked at it and declared it a lost cause?”

Namaste, Bitches


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