Monday, December 10, 2018

Dead End

Last week the nation mourned the passing of President George H. W. Bush. Because we have some kind of moral code stating it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, the news was all like, “It's the end of an era. He was the last great statesmen. He was the last president from World War II.” I mean, defeating the Nazis was super important, but I think it's about time we reign in this World War II hero worship. I don't care what Tom Brokaw says. It's obnoxious to call any generation The Greatest Generation.

We've been in two wars for like seventeen years now. That's almost three times as long as World War II. I'm waiting for a Brokaw book called Multiple Generations Fighting Multiples Wars With Seemingly No End In Sight. The first soldiers to fight in Afghanistan are now too old for combat. It's like how M*A*S*H stretched out the three-year Korean War into eleven years. By the end Alan Alda had quite obviously aged. His hair was all gray. And it was weird because Hawkeye was drafted. And the Army doesn't draft old people.  

It's important to remember Bush 41 was responsible for some horrific things. Like Clarence Thomas. And George W. Bush. However, Bush 41 did one very important thing the countless obituaries failed to mention. In 2016 former republican President George Herbert Walker Bush voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton. He recognized Donald Trump as a danger to society and a crusher of Bush souls, such as Jeb, and to a lesser extent, Billy. George voted for the only person who could defeat Trump. He didn't wuss out and vote third party. Since Bush had the backbone to fight Nazis to the very end of his life, Brokaw may write a book about him. He'll probably call it Natural Woman. Because more people will buy it if they mistakenly believe it's about Aretha Franklin. That's the kind of shady shit Brokaw pulls. He wrote a book called The Time Of Our Lives after Patrick Swayze died and it's not about Patrick Swayze. 

The funeral of Bush 41 forced a devastating realization upon me. Trump is entitled to a state funeral. I've been living in fantasy world since the day he was elected. I've always assumed Trump would eventually die broke and alone in a federal prison. And we, as a nation, would agree never to speak of him, or this horrible chapter in our history, ever again. But this is not to be. 

The death of George Bush reminded me of the death of Richard Nixon. I was a teenager when Nixon died and I remember being annoyed because his funeral interrupted my regularly scheduled programming. My exact thoughts were, “What the fuck. Everybody hates Nixon. I can't believe I'm missing Days Of Our Lives because a bunch of posers want to act like they give a shit now that he's dead. Whatever, America.” (It was the nineties. Posers was a totally cool thing to say).

I guess if we can't pretend like Nixon never happened, the same goes for Trump. I'm still hopeful he'll die in a federal prison. He is entitled to Secret Service protection for the rest of his life, though. I'm not sure how that would work in prison. It'll be a real letdown if he doesn't get beat up. I mean, Robert Downey, Jr. got beat up in prison. And people like him.

Please indulge me while I go back to my fantasy world and dream of the day Trump dies. Let's look to the future. The day is January 16, 2019. I'm watching The Rachel Maddow Show. (Bush 41 once called Rachel Maddow a sick puppy for reasons I'm not totally clear on. Regardless, it's a pretty lame insult. Not to mention completely insensitive to poor sick puppies). Rachel is explaining how The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1862, signed by President Chester A. Arthur, is connected to Trump's upcoming impeachment hearing when the following news breaks:

Donald John Trump, the 45th president of the United States has died. He was alone in bed, working his way through a bucket of KFC when he choked to death on a particularly tough piece of chicken skin. Though Secret Service agents were nearby at the time of the president's passing, they failed to notice he was suffering due to his persistent habit of talking with his mouth full while grunting.

The funeral is scheduled for later that week. Finding people to eulogize the president proves to be difficult. His oldest three children, his son-in-law, and most of his friends and cabinet members are already in federal prison for crimes ranging from hunting without a license to treason. All former presidents decline the invitation to speak as none feel they can get through Trump's funeral without laughing maniacally while poking at his rotting corpse. What follows is the eulogy given by his one remaining defective disciple.

Scott Baio
Donald Trump was a great man and an even better president. I saw a lot of myself in Donald Trump. We both believed in strong conservative values. We both spoke in plain English. No fancy words. We both liked golf. We were both accused of sexual assault by women who were totally asking for it. Some say Trump was lucky because the women accusing him weren't teenagers. But, again, I need to make it clear Nicole Eggert was eighteen when we had sex. She says she was sixteen. She's lying. Some people say it's still gross because I was in my thirties and if I dated age appropriate women I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was committing a crime. They're just jealous because they can't get hot teenage ass. Trump and I had that in common. People envied us.

We both got beat up on Twitter. Some people have asked why I don't quit Twitter if I don't like the way I'm treated. But if I do that, they win. The haters win. I have a right to express myself and make comments some people may not agree with. Trump – he was the same way. He was a fighter. Some people didn't think it was right to put babies in cages, but they don't realize those babies shouldn't have been here in the first place. They had to go somewhere. And Trump found somewhere to put them. I'm sure the haters are going to say, “Of course, Baio doesn't care about babies in cages. He fucks children.” But who defines what is a child? In some states the age of consent is fifteen and in others it's eighteen. That's what conservatives believe in – letting the states define their laws. That's what I believe. And that's what Trump believed. Even though he wasn't in office long, America is a little more greater because of Donald Trump.

Tom Brokaw will write a book about the Trump Administration. It will be called With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: The Stan Lee Story. 

Namaste, Bitches


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