Monday, January 21, 2019

The Writing On The Wall

Corporations try everything short of raising employee salaries to raise employee morale. Perhaps the executives at your company bought a Foosball table and expected the employees to be all like, “Wow. This is the coolest place to work in the whole world. Thank you, Mr. Boss Man.” Instead they were met by the cold dispassionate stares of employees who haven't received raises in seven years. Yet, they were still convinced the Foosball Employee Compensation Plan of 2014 was a good idea. They just needed a way to force employees to play Foosball. Then surely they would realize they work at a super cool company. And thus, the Mandatory Employee Foosball Tournament of 2014 was born. However, employees were reluctant to take time out of their work day to play Foosball. As this would cause them to have to stay late to complete the work that didn't get done while they were playing Foosball. And furthermore, you can call it mandatory all you want, but we both know you can't fire me for refusing to play Foosball. Fuck you. And by the way, I know you've been getting bonuses while telling the rest of us the company is on a wage freeze.

If I'm that pissed off over Foosball imagine the rage government workers must be feeling. We are in the midst of the longest government shutdown in history because Trump's demanding five billion dollars to build a wall on the southern border. Simultaneously, he's claiming most of the wall has already been built, Mexico is paying for it and it will be a wall of see-through steel. You may be saying, “But, Donna, see-through steel doesn't exist.” To that I say, “Shut up, I'm talking.”

See-through steel doesn't exist. Trump has said he's willing to keep the government shutdown for years if he doesn't get five billion dollars to build a wall of see-through steel.  Also, he believes he can declare a state of emergency to secure the five billion dollars. Families all across the United States can't afford to pay their bills due to emergency racism.

Federal employees whose jobs are considered essential are forced to work despite not being paid. This is where employee morale is super important. TSA agents are calling in sick, causing longer lines at airports, missed flights, and so on. Who can blame them? I still experience bouts of rage over the Foosball Employee Compensation Plan of 2014. If I were a TSA agent I'd wave someone by with a bag of crystal meth and a loaded gun and tell them to have a nice flight.

Sadly, neither the financial ruin of over eight hundred thousand federal employees nor the nonexistence of see-through steel is enough to dissuade Trump supporters from demanding a wall on the southern border. Fun fact: the majority of people demanding the wall don't live anywhere near the southern border.

You know how China drowns baby girls or whatever to control the population? I think it's time we employ a similar tactic to rid the stupid from our gene pool. Not drowning babies, of course. We're better than that. We keep babies in cages. I'm proposing a simple two step solution to prevent the academically challenged from procreating.

Step 1: All adults in the United States must take the US Citizen Naturalization Test. If people from other countries are able to demonstrate a commanding knowledge of basic U.S. history and government, then surely people born and educated in the U.S. should have no problem passing such a test.

Step 2: People born and educated in the U.S. will surely have a problem passing such a test. We know this because Donald Trump is president. Those who pass the test are free to have all the babies they want. But they won't. Because they're smart and responsible. Those who fail the test shall be forcibly spayed or neutered. 

And if possible, I would like Drew Carey to end each episode of The Price is Right by saying, “Remember folks, always spay or neuter your idiots.” Although, I'm not entirely sure if Drew Carey is still the host of The Price is Right. Or if that show is still on.

Recently, I was accosted with this little gem of intelligence on Facebook.

I know the author of this post was attempting to make a humorous point. Since I spend a lot of my spare time making humorous points, I feel it my obligation to provide some constructive criticism to the unknown author. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to whomever.

Dear Whoever The Fuck You Are,

Several years ago, Fox News aired a comedy program intending to be the conservative answer to The Daily Show. It didn't work for one very simple reason. You can't be clever and stupid at the same time. 

Allow me to point out the many things wrong in your post.

First of all, you've never done your own taxes. It's obvious. There is no question which reads, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?” It's poorly worded.

It's unclear as to how you're supporting illegal immigrants. I thought they were here stealing jobs from real Americans, or rather, white people. I think this takes us back to my first point. You've never filed a tax return. Because you've never had a job. And it's easier to blame immigrants than admit you're too stupid to function.

And you are really underestimating crack heads. These people are often unemployed and homeless, yet manage to support a habit that can cost them upwards of a thousand dollars a day. Say what you will about them, but they know how to get what they want. We could all learn a thing or two from crack heads.

Unemployment is funded by employers, not by individual tax payers. And I don't understand why Trump supporters are bitching about unemployment. You're the people claiming all your jobs are being stolen. You may have to rely on unemployment at some point. Let's face it. You're not as smart as the average crack head.

The United States has the only for profit prison system in the world. Criminals are actually supporting you. And they do a lot of work for twelve cents an hour. We all agree to adopt a highway to look good in front of others, but we have no intention of showing up. Prisoners are out there picking up litter every Saturday just so they can save up enough money to buy a Pepsi.

And finally, Whoever The Fuck You Are, you really need to work on your punctuation. It's atrocious. You never end a sentence with three question marks. It's obnoxious and distracting. You stepped on your own punchline with excessive punctuation.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

If you haven't yet seen the video of the Indigenous Peoples March in D.C., a bunch of little assholes in MAGA hats shouted, “build that wall,” at Native Americans, one of whom is a Vietnam War veteran. This never would have happened if only their parents had been spayed and neutered.

Speaking of how ridiculous it is to be shouting, “build that wall,” at Native Americans, I'd like to remind these little shitheads to remember the Alamo. More specifically, remember Texas, along with the entire south west was once a part of Mexico. Ergo, Mexicans are Native Americans. I know the little asshats don't want to believe it, but there are still many subtle reminders today of our country's Mexican heritage. Such as the names of cities and states in the south west. Like San Antonio. Or San Jose. Or New Mexico.

Those little shitbags are from Kentucky. Which begs the question, who the fuck let Kentucky out? Some people simply belong in the holler. I'm from West Virginia. I know. Especially, the little asshole who stood there obnoxiously smirking in the old man's face. He looks like the douchebag from every eighties teen movie. Except those douchebags were usually rich and arrogant, instead of a psychopath fresh out the holler.

Namaste, Bitches


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