I
love to hear someone romanticizing the era of their youth. They fondly
reminisce of a simpler time when everyone knew their neighbors, gay people
hadn't been invented yet and steak was considered heart healthy. This is almost
always followed by a rant about how the world is going to hell because school
prayer has been outlawed, or because cursive writing is no longer being taught,
or because Google. Then I get to shit all over their romanticized youth. And
that's a lot of fun for me. I get to say things such as:
“Damn.
I missed the Holocaust. What a neat and exciting time to be alive. I hope I get
the chance to witness the slaughter of six million people in my lifetime.”
Or:
“Yeah,
I heard the sixties were great. All those assassinations and race riots. And
separate water fountains for whites and “colored.” What happened with that
water fountain thing? Everyone drinks bottled water now, so I'm not sure if the
whole water fountain thing was ever resolved. Also, the music sucked. Bob Dylan
is a pothead, not a genius.”
Or:
“I
don't know how the human race survived the seventies. Men were so ugly back
then. It's true. Watch any TV show or movie from the seventies and try to find
a good looking man. It can't be done.”
And
now, thanks to the racist bullshit in the Virginia government I can look fondly
back on my own childhood and say, “Ah, the eighties. A time when people were
nostalgic for blackface.”
For
those who haven't been following the news, I shall sum up what's happening.
Last week a college yearbook photo was circulated of Virginia Governor Ralph
Northam in blackface standing next to a man in a Klan outfit. I assume it was a
man. The face was covered so it could have been a woman, but I don't think even
a racist woman would wear such an ugly outfit. The governor immediately put out
a statement that was all like, “Shit. Sorry. I was an idiot back when I was in
medical school. That was fucked up.”
The
next day Governor Northam gave a press conference where he said, “Okay, so I
called some of my college buddies last night and they said it wasn't me in the
picture. So I'm going to take back my apology. But there was one time in 1984
when I put shoe polish on my face to look like Michael Jackson for a dance
contest. It didn't work. People didn't believe Michael Jackson would enter a
dance contest at a medical school in Virginia.”
A
reporter who is clearly in the wrong profession asked the governor if he could
do the Moonwalk. The governor asked his wife for permission to Moonwalk. She
said no.
The
governor further stated he only used a little shoe polish because it's hard to
get off. Which is something you would only know if you've had a previous
experience with shoe polish on your face. It's disturbingly stupid to think an
ambitious medical student in 1984 wouldn't know wearing blackface is wrong.
It's also really bad for his pores. As a general skincare rule, you should
never use shoe products on your face.
Following
the Moonwalk press conference most decent people called for the governor to
step down. But he was all like, “No. I'm not going anywhere and you can't make
me.”
Lt.
Governor Justin Fairfax would become the governor if Governor Northam stepped
down. However, immediately after the Moonwalk incident Fairfax was accused of
sexual assault by a college professor he met at the DNC in 2004. Fairfax
claimed the encounter was consensual, then he went out and hired the same
attorneys who represented Brett Kavanaugh. So this motherfucker is dead to me.
On
MSNBC people were debating which is worse: blackface or sexual assault. I think
they are equally heinous. However, some woman said blackface isn't a crime.
She's right. It's not a crime. Shoving a lit candle up your ass is not a crime,
but most people know not to do it.
Virginia
State Attorney General Mark Herring would become governor if both Governor
Northam and Lt. Governor Fairfax stepped down. Knowing he was already fucked,
Herring held a press conference where he announced there is a picture of him in
blackface in his 1980 college yearbook.
Virginia
Speaker of the House Kirk Cox would become governor if Governor Northam, Lt.
Governor Fairfax and Attorney General Mark Herring all stepped down. Kirk Cox
won his seat by guessing how many jelly beans were in a jar or something like
that. The race was tied and when a race is tied in Virginia they revert to
carnie rules.
Since
the Virginia Moonwalk, more blackface yearbook photos from the eighties have
been uncovered in various schools and states. Which really makes me wonder
about the school officials who allowed these to be published. If I may offer a
bit of advice to any recent high school graduates: Before applying to a
college, check to see if the college of your choosing is now, or has ever been,
cool with blackface. If you find a school has an open blackface policy, then
it's probably not the best place to get an education.
The
Virginia Moonwalk also caused me to wonder how I missed the blackface that was
apparently so prevalent in the eighties. My sister brought up the time our
brother dressed as Michael Jackson for Halloween in 1984. He didn't wear
blackface. Because five-year-olds don't know blackface is a thing. And it never
occurred to him to put shoe polish on his face to dress as Michael Jackson.
Because five-year-olds don't own shoe polish.
When
I looked at the picture his bowl cut made me think of Joey Lawrence on Gimme
A Break. And then I remembered a Very Special Episode of Gimme A Break
where Joey wore blackface. As a matter of fact, that was the first time I'd
ever heard of blackface. Coincidentally, the episode aired in 1984.
If
you're under forty, you're probably all like, “What the fuck is Gimme A
Break?” I'll tell you. Gimme A Break was sitcom starring Nell
Carter, a black woman. Nell's best friend, a white woman, died. Dead White
Woman's final wish was for Nell to move in with her white husband and children
to raise her family. It's a stupid premise, but that was basically every sitcom
in the eighties. Orphaned black kids raised by white people. Orphaned white
kids raised by black people. Lots of Very Special Episodes. Rinse and repeat.
After
I remembered Gimme A Break, I was reminded of a Very Special Episode of Diff'rent
Strokes which gave us Dana Plato in blackface.
Diff'rent
Strokes
made me think of this really awful movie from 1986 called Soul Man. C.
Thomas Howell plays a rich white kid who wants to go to Harvard. At the last
minute, his dad is all like, “Fuck you. I'm not paying for Harvard. I'm buying
a boat or something.” But C. Thomas Howell really wanted to go to Harvard, so
he took the next obvious step and applied to a scholarship meant for African
American students. He took a bunch of tanning pills. I don't if tanning pills
are a real thing, but if they are they can't be good for you. He put on some
additional brown make up, a Jheri Curl wig and fooled Harvard into giving him
the scholarship. Next we are treated to some cringe worthy moments, such as
this:
And
this:
C.
Thomas Howell goes to Harvard in blackface and learns life was much easier as a
rich white kid. Which, I guess, was the whole point of the movie, but I feel
like most people already knew that. He falls in love with the black girl who
should have received the scholarship he stole. In the end, he comes clean, gets
the girl and James Earl Jones tells him he doesn't have to give the money back.
What the fuck, James Earl Jones? He was rich and he stole from you. Come on.
Also, Julia Louis Dreyfus was in this movie. Weird.
The
entire premise of this movie is racially inappropriate, but I really fucking hate
the title. Because now I will never be able to hear the song Soul Man
without thinking of the movie Soul Man. Fucking white people ruin
everything.
This
made me remember Ted Danson wore blackface to the Roast of Whoopi
Goldberg. Whoopi said it was her idea.
And this is where I'd like to offer some advice to any white people considering
blackface. One black person doesn't speak on behalf of all black people. Just
because Whoopi Goldberg thought it was funny doesn't mean all of Africa America
will want to see Ted Danson in blackface.
After
careful review I have concluded sitcoms are responsible for the prevalence of
blackface in the eighties. This is why romanticizing your youth is dangerous.
You completely block out all the racist shit until a Moonwalking incident in
Virginia forces you to think about it.
The
Virginia Moonwalk has been a delight for republicans as Northam, Fairfax and
Herring are all democrats. Jelly Bean Speaker Cox is a republican. Republicans
are so happy about a democrat scandal they're totally pissing themselves. And
my fellow liberals have been responding to the republicans with things such as,
“The racist acts of Donald Trump are too numerous to name them all and you have
no problem with that. You have no problem with babies in dog kennels. You
backed that pedophile in Alabama. And Brett Fucking Kavanaugh.”
While
I understand you're just pointing out the hypocrisy of the republicans in
power, I'm going to need you to stop it. Because it sounds like you're
defending democrat racists and rapists and that's not really the message we
want to send. Remember when the Access Hollywood tape was released and Trump's
“apology” was basically, “Whatever. Bill Clinton is worse than me.” We need to
be better than that.
When
the pants pissing republicans get all up in your cookies and cream about the VA
democrats, you should say, “You're right. They are deplorable people and they
have to go. Even if it means we have to revert to carnie rules. I'm willing to
do that for the good of my country. Because I'm better than you.” Never miss an
opportunity to remind Trump supporters you're better than them.
Namaste,
Bitches
