Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Natural Born Killers

It's almost summer and you know what that means – less school shootings. I guess there is still the possibility of shootings at year round schools, but summer mass shooters tend to lean more toward concerts, churches and night clubs. Don't let your guard down just because summer is almost here. If Texas and Indiana are any indication, baby killers are desperately trying to get their last shots in before the summer break.

I was recently informed by a gentleman on Twitter that I am a radical liberal. I knew I was a liberal, but was completely unaware my views are radical. Apparently, opposing the mass murder of children is radical. Twitter gentlemen went on to state I was spouting the same tired liberal shit. He implored me to explain my views on what gun control should be and further told me to advocate for enforcing the current laws and mental health. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Twitter Guy.

Hey Twitter Guy,

No one tells Donna Troy what to do, motherfucker.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

I don't respond to gun nuts on Twitter. If the profile pick is a douche bag in a baseball cap holding a gun, I block said douche bag. Because it's creepy and seriously douche bag-y. Although, I was tempted to ask this man what he meant by enforcing mental health. I'm not sure it's something that can be enforced.

On the off chance Twitter Guy is reading my blog, I shall explain my views on gun control for the sole purpose of pissing him off. Even though I was perfectly clear about it in the blog he read citing my views as “radical.”

Donna Troy is in favor of anything which prevents mass shootings. Or single shootings for that matter. Shooting bad, Twitter Guy. I'm in favor of banning bump stocks, raising the age limit to buy guns, background checks and even repealing the Second Fucking Amendment. I don't give a shit about your Second Amendment rights. And the reason I don't is because you only care about your Second Amendment rights. Like to the point where it's disturbingly creepy.

Despite being a completely unapologetic bitch, I don't receive a lot of negative feedback on Twitter. I occasionally receive angry responses from Trump supporters, but those are few and far between. (Most likely due to illiteracy.) Only Tweets promoting gun control ignite a firestorm of Twitter fury. I have mixed feelings about this as it alarms me, yet totally proves my point. The quick tempers and lack of self control confirms these people should not be allowed to hoard guns. However, they can and do hoard guns and they're crazy pissed at me. I take solace in knowing they aren't very bright and don't know my real name. Just try and find me, Gun Enthusiasts of Twitter. Ha! You'll never enforce mental health upon Donna Troy.

And fuck you for scapegoating the mentally ill, Twitter Guy.  It takes a special kind of asshole to use people suffering from an incurable illness for his own selfish purposes. The more I think about it, your lack of empathy for murdered children and the mentally ill indicates you may be suffering from psychopathic tendencies. I may have to report you to whoever enforces mental health.

Also, Twitter Guy, calm the fuck down. Not that I don't enjoy knowing my blog panics you to the point of an incoherent Twitter rant. But you need to understand the difference between a satirical blog and a bill before Congress. I have no power to enforce laws or mental health. I only have the power to write an entire blog post making fun of you. But I'm done with you for now as there are others deserving of my wrath.

I shall now aim my wrath upon Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick. His response to the Santa Fe shooting is to limit all schools to one entrance. Apparently, this stupid motherfucker never saw Lean On Me. Morgan Freeman locked all the entrances to the school to keep drug dealing gangsters out and was arrested for creating a fire hazard. In the movie. In real life Morgan Freeman may soon be arrested for being as pervy as Bill Cosby. What the fuck is up with the cast of The Electric Company? I mean, even the theme song is creepy now. “We're gonna turn it on...”

Creepy stars of educational children's programming aside, I'm sorry, Lt. Governor, you can't block off all the entrances to the school. Lean On Me is based on a true story, so what you are suggesting is illegal based on my knowledge of eighties movies. It's also stupid based on my knowledge of knowing shit.

The NRA has chosen Oliver North as their new president. If you're too young to remember the eighties you may not be familiar with North. I was a child in the eighties so I remember him as the guy from the congressional hearing that was always pre-empting my favorite shows. I didn't understand the Iran-Contra Affair. I just wanted to watch ALF. Anyway, now I'm older and I understand the Iran-Contra Affair and ALF isn't anywhere near as funny as I remember it.

Ollie was convicted for his involvement in the illegal sale of weapons to Iran. Ronald Reagan totally knew about it, but no criminal charges were brought against him because no one enforced his mental health. Ronnie was all like, “I have Alzheimer's. I may have approved illegal activity, but who can remember?” 

I can't help but notice the more Ollie ages the more he resembles George W. Bush. I'm not saying Ollie is the bastard child of George H. W. Bush, but I'm sure there's a bastard in there somewhere.

Anyway, North is very comfortable in his new role and has wasted no time releasing deplorable statements. Statements such as this one referring to the Parkland students: “They’re not activists—this is civil terrorism. This is the kind of thing that’s never been seen against a civil rights organization in America. You go back to the terrible days of Jim Crow and those kinds of things—even there you didn’t have this kind of thing.”

Hey, Ollie. Did you know an African American teenager was shot in his own backyard because cops thought his cell phone was a gun? Because, I guess, they think black people talk to their guns. You see, Ollie, the Second Amendment doesn't apply equally to black and white people. You could almost say it's kind of a Jim Crow law.

Charlton Heston was once the president of the NRA. Heston promoted “white pride” and said some shit about prying his gun from his cold dead hands. No one enforced Heston's mental health. He was an alcoholic which is a contributing risk factor to brain damage and dementia. This eventually became the cause of his cold dead hands. I don't know what became of his gun, but I like to imagine someone shoved it up his cold dead ass.

Charlton Heston starred in Planet of The Apes. (For Millennials, the Mark Wahlburg version was a remake.) This brings us to Roseanne. Her show has been canceled because she tweeted the following about Valerie Jarrett, an African American adviser to Barack Obama:

“Muslim Brotherhood & Planet of the Apes had a baby=vj”

In March, she tweeted a conspiracy theory falsely claiming David Hogg, a survivor of the Parkland shooting, gave a Nazi salute at the March For Our Lives rally. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Roseanne.

Dear Roseanne,

Your tweet about Valerie Jarrett was a Nazi salute. It seems you're gunning for membership in the Ku Klux Klan. There is no gentle way to break this to you. You're Jewish. This precludes you from membership in the Klan. You destroyed your career for nothing. America is done with you. Please return to the trailer park from whence you came.

Best of luck in all your future endeavors.

Donna Troy

Following the Santa Fe shooting, NRA spokespeople blamed the mass murder on some truly laughable causes, such as: atheists, criticizing masculinity as toxic and junk food. I shall address these fears now.

Sorry, Christian Gun Enthusiasts, atheists aren't to blame. The Bible states very clearly, “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” It's one of the Ten Commandments, which is also a movie starring Charlton Heston. Somehow you justify owning a weapon which serves only one purpose – killing - as some kind of divine right. Also, I talked to God on Twitter and he said to leave him out of it.

There is a difference between masculinity and toxic masculinity. You can learn about toxic masculinity through the courtesy of The Electric Company...

The Frito-Lay Company is not liable for any mood swings experienced after consuming their delicious corn chips. Should you find yourself overwhelmed with homicidal urges after snacking, they suggest you try enforcing your mental health.

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, May 14, 2018

Dangerous Minds

Last week I had begun composing a blog instructing the people of my home state, West Virginia, to get their shit together. Because the news was covering Don Blankenship like he had a real shot at winning the senate primary. If you're unfamiliar with Don Blankenship, he was the CEO of Massey Energy. The coal company is responsible for a mining explosion that killed twenty-nine people. Blankenship only spent a year in prison. It seems what I consider felony mass murder the justice system considers a misdemeanor of willfully violating safety and health standards. 

There was a lot of coverage concerning Blankenship's use of racial slurs in campaign ads. He referred to “China people” and when he was called out on it he said “China people” aren't a race. He went on to define what he considers to be legitimate ethnicities. It didn't help his cause much because he used the word Negro. You can only get a pass for saying Negro if your age is one hundred or older.

Although Blankenship's racist rants were both creepy and comical, I found the whole mass murder thing way more alarming. To my great relief, the people of West Virginia got their shit together without my help and Blankenship finished dead last. At least he'll have an interesting story to tell his parole officer.

This brings me to another time West Virginia got their shit together. That would be the statewide teacher walkout which has led to teacher walkouts in Kentucky, Oklahoma, Arizona, Colorado and coming soon – North Carolina.

Regular readers of this blog know my sister is a teacher and may consider my opinion biased. You are totally right about that. If you read my last blog then you know my company just had a layoff. Though I still have a job I'm not entirely convinced the company isn't broke. I'm not moving back in with my parents in my forties. Living in my sister's basement seems a bit more dignified. Plus she has a fridge in the basement. Despite my repeated requests my parents have yet to put a fridge in my room. Regardless, I need my sister to be gainfully employed in order for this basement backup plan to work.

Of course, there are plenty of reasons the teacher walkouts are important that have nothing to do with my living arrangements. Of all the states experiencing walkouts, Colorado is the only one that didn't vote for Trump in 2016. West Virginia is reportedly the most pro-Trump state in all the land. I think it says a lot that West Virginia teachers started the Fuck This Shit Teacher Rebellion of 2018. If you don't educate kids they grow into stupid adults who make stupid choices. Like voting for Trump. A man who famously voiced his love of the poorly educated. And they were too stupid to know that was an insult.

The blame for stupidity cannot be placed on the teachers in these states, with a few exceptions I'll get to later. Most of these teachers are working multiple jobs to make ends meet. Imagine spending all night Uber-ing around drunk people, then spending your day providing free childcare for all of America, and be expected to teach them something while using a map with the forty-eight states of America and history books that refer to African Americans as Negroes. And you only have thirty Negro history books for eighty students. And you have to use your Uber money to pay for supplies the school can't afford to supply. And you have to be prepared for a mass shooting which could happen literally any minute. On top of all that, your sister might be moving into your basement. 

Because they lack the motivation to take a bullet for a job which requires them to collect food stamps, good teachers are leaving to work in states with better pay. The food stamp teachers who have chosen to stick it out in their home states are being forced to teach subjects for which they are not certified. This has led to some epic stupidity.

For example, one of the dumbest people I have ever known is currently a teacher in West Virginia. This woman will misspell West Virginia nine times out of ten. She claims to have a degree in a field for which no such degree exists. I was perplexed as to how anyone would hire her as a teacher. I briefly considered I may have underestimated her and perhaps she is some kind of brilliant con artist. But a brilliant con artist would probably shoot for something better than a low paying teacher job. It would only make sense if she wanted in the school system as a diabolical pretense to murder someone. Then I read about the state constantly lowering certification requirements and realized they'll pretty much hire anyone willing to work for food at this point.

When I was in the ninth grade my high school had two math teachers. Yes, two. It's a small town. One was such a good teacher even the dumber kids did well in her class. The other math teacher would show up at the beginning of class, write something on the chalkboard, leave to go smoke for forty minutes, then return five minutes before the bell rang reeking of cigarettes. At the end of my freshman year the county had cutbacks. The good teacher was let go because the chain smoker had been there much longer, smoking on the grounds before the school was even built. 

For my remaining high school years, I was on a constant search for a math teacher. My sister was in college becoming a math teacher so that was helpful. I also discovered the drama teacher was good at math. He once spent an entire period teaching me what I didn't learn in geometry class. I found it to be fairly easy when someone was actually teaching me. As I was thanking him for his help I started to complain about the math teacher. I got out “Mr. V-” before he nodded his head and said, “I know.” All I learned in my actual math class was how to smoke and avoid people. Not that those skills haven't been useful, but they don't look good on a resume.

This week teachers in my current state of residence, North Carolina, will be staging a walkout. Someone actually asked why they don't strike in the summer when it won't effect the kids. I don't know. Maybe because the point of the strike is recognizing and compensating teachers for all they do which effects the kids. Somehow I think doing it in the summer may have less of an impact.

People who don't wish to see their taxes raised to adequately pay teachers tend to use the whole summers off thing as the basis for their entire argument. I've found most people who use this argument are burdened with the cost of day care when school is out.  And all day care is really required to do is feed your kid and, like, make sure they don't run out into traffic and shit. Teachers are required to do much more than that. Day care is overpriced because they know you can't do without it. It's like when you're stuck at the airport and pay five dollars for a Coke. They know it's overpriced, but they also know you can't leave. So you're going to pay five dollars for a Coke. But you don't expect the pilot to live on minimum wage to offset the price of Coke.

One need only consider the ignorant adults in your life who were failed by an overcrowded underfunded school system to see the importance of properly compensating teachers. I shall now provide examples of some or my personal interactions with poorly educated adults.

I once worked with a mother who thought “No Child Left Behind” meant schools weren't allowed to fail kids. True Story.

Years ago I worked for a realty company. One morning the power went out. My phone rang off the hook with tenants telling me the power was out. I began answering the phone by saying, “I know the power is out. CP&L is on the way.” Here is a conversation I had with one tenant:

Me: I know the power is out. CP&L is on the way.

Tenant: Oh, I know. I'm not calling about the power.

Me: How can I help you?

Tenant: The elevator isn't working.

I then had to explain how electricity works to a grown man. Because he was one of our tenants I had to do so without being sarcastic and bitchy. I did not pull it off. True Story.

Now journey with me all the way back to the year 2009. More specifically, to January 20, 2009. My company brought in a monitor so we could all watch the inauguration of Barack Obama. At the time, I sat next to this asshole who was pro-McCain/Palin and hated Obama. This is the conversation we had prior to the inauguration.

Asshole: I think it should go by the popular vote.

Me: Obama won the popular vote.


Asshole: Do you think George Bush will be there?

Me: Yeah, it's kind of a tradition for the outgoing and incoming presidents to meet on Inauguration Day.

Asshole: I'm surprised they didn't have it on Martin Luther King Day.

Me: That's because Inauguration Day was set in the Constitution long before Martin Luther King ever existed.

Asshole: So it's the same day every year?

Me: No. It's the same day every four years.

True Story.

America, we can't afford to keep producing poorly educated children who become poorly educated adults who become poorly educated voters. Kanye West talking about running for president is funny now, but we thought Trump was funny in the beginning too. Pay the fucking teachers whatever the fuck they want before Kim Kardashian is the fucking First Lady.

All I can hope for West Virginia is for it to be slightly better than Kentucky. And it is. I can prove it. Let us take a look at the responses to the teacher strikes by the governors of both states.

Kentucky Governor, Matt Bevin: “I guarantee you somewhere in Kentucky today, a child was sexually assaulted that was left at home because there was nobody there to watch them.”

West Virginia Governor, Jim Justice: "Believe it or not, I can be the town redneck too.”

They're both deplorable statements. But calling striking teachers rednecks is slightly better than blaming them for imaginary pedophilia.

Namaste, Bitches

Thursday, May 3, 2018

The Coldest Story Ever Told

My company had a big layoff this week. I don't understand how this happened when “the greatest jobs president God ever created” is in the White House. I spent Monday helping all my friends pack up their desks and carry their belongings to their cars. I spent Tuesday nursing a migraine while trying to figure out how to do all the work my friends used to do. And also do all the work I already do.  When I arrived at work Wednesday morning a co-worker came up to me with a serious look on her face. I thought to myself, “Oh shit. What now?” Then she said to me, “Please write a blog about Kanye West.” This is the only thing I've been asked to do at work that didn't piss me off.

So apparently, I take requests now. If you have someone you'd like to see verbally abused by Donna Troy, please submit your requests via the Contact section on this page. Verbal abuse is free. Requests for physical abuse require a PayPal account.

Also, feel free to submit any job leads you might know of through the Contact section as well. Because, you know, all my friends are unemployed. And this layoff came exactly four days after my birthday. Several of my now unemployed friends bought me gift cards last week. When they were employed. I feel like the right thing to do would be to give them back. But I can't because I literally spent them the minute I got them. So if I could help my friends find jobs I'd feel a lot better about that.

Now please excuse me while the rest of this blog is an open letter to Kanye West.

Dear Kanye,

In an effort to “keep it real” I'm going to tell you up front I don't like you. To quote former President Obama, “You're an ass.” I'll admit I like some of your songs, but I have no problem taking you off of my playlist. I've already removed many a sexual predator from my Netflix playlist. I have nothing left to watch, but Mister Rogers. Sure, I'd rather be watching House of Cards, but Kevin Spacey is a creepy asshole. So now I spend my evenings learning how crayons are made and shit. I am beginning to question why I'm paying for Netflix when I can watch reruns of Mister Rogers for free on my local PBS station.

To be honest or “keep it real” I don't actually know how to remove you from my iPhone playlist. I just skip your songs like I do with R. Kelly. Remix to Ignition is an awesome song, but R. Kelly is a creepy asshole. So now I listen to Barry Manilow, the Mister Rogers of music. And I don't want to hear R. Kelly sing, sippin' on Coke and rum, I'm like so what I'm drunk,”  because it makes me crave a rum and Coke. And I can't have a rum and Coke because I have an ulcer and I can't drink. And R. Kelly should be in prison not drinking.

Anyway, Kanye, remember the Hurricane Katrina telethon? You went off script on live TV and said, “George Bush doesn't care about black people.” Mike Myers got all awkward and didn't know what to do. Mike Myers became famous doing live TV and you totally threw him off his game. That was fucking hilarious. I mean, it was sad because of all the people who were left dead and homeless, but it was still funny.  

And now this former champion of black people has called President Trump “his brother.” Kanye, I'm going to work under the assumption you are one of the poorly educated people Trump is so very fond of. You see, Kanye, Donald Trump is in the Klan. The Ku Klux Klan is a basket of deplorables who really hate black people. Did all the 'K's confuse you? Did you think the KKK was a Kardashian clothing brand, or one of their reality shows, or whatever the fuck they do?

You can learn more about Trump's association with the Klan here: Dare To Be Stupid

Also, you and Donald Trump do not have “dragon energy.” This is not possible as dragons aren't real. I get the feeling you believe dragons once existed and went extinct with the dinosaurs. You see, Kanye, dragons are mythical creatures. Myths are stories that aren't real. You seem to have a problem separating fact from fantasy. Remember when you said Single Ladies is the greatest video of all time? This is a fantasy. Thriller is the greatest video of all time and you fucking know it. Beyonce dancing around in a leotard is called Flashdance.

Kanye, I'm not certain why you thought TMZ was an appropriate place to discuss slavery. It was an appropriate place to discuss your liposuction and Opiod addiction. But slavery –- no. I must tell you I find your remarks very disturbing. "When you hear about slavery for 400 years. For 400 years?! That sounds like a choice." 

 What the hell kind of Uncle Ruckus bullshit...?

I must also tell you I'm a white woman living in the south when I state the following: Kanye West doesn't care about black people.

Oh, you dumb, poorly educated son of a bitch. Perhaps, you're confusing slavery with volunteering. Let's return to the Hurricane Katrina telethon. Remember all the people at the phone banks taking pledges and what not? Those were volunteers. They worked for free of their own free will. They were free to come and go as they pleased. They were free to take coffee breaks. They were free to live in their own homes. They were free to own homes. Did you notice how many times I used the word free, Kanye? Slavery is the opposite of that. It's not a choice.

I don't know what you think America was like four hundred years ago. Exactly what options do you think slaves had? It's not like Kunta Kinte could just rise up and yell, “Man, fuck this shit. Hey, motherfucker, come take these chains off me. I'm going to work at Wal-Mart.”

The Kunta Kinte reference is from the mini series Roots. It's quite apparent you've never seen it. The Sundance channel airs it all the time. I suggest you watch it. Holy Fuck. I just looked up the cast list. O.J. was in Roots. I must have blocked that out. Or he had a really small part and I just forgot. He probably had a small part. He was a horrible actor. Except for that time he acted like he didn't know how to put on a glove. He did that well. Double Holy Fuck. I just remembered you're wife's father was O.J.'s attorney. Well, now I'm not sure if you should watch Roots or not. It's an excellent series, but I'm afraid this whole O.J. thing may cloud you're judgment. I don't want your next Tweet to be, “I'm not black. I'm Kanye.”

I'd suggest you read the book, but I'm pretty sure you don't read much because you think dragons are real. Oh, I know. Watch Reading Rainbow. LeVar Burton was the host of Reading Rainbow and he played Kunta Kinte. You probably won't learn anything about slavery, but you'll learn something. And you really need to stop running your mouth and fucking learn something.

Speaking of running your mouth, I saw the interview where you said you might be president some day. And you said it all serious and shit. The last I heard you were trying to be Jesus. I'm not sure of the hierarchy, but I'm almost positive president is a step down from Jesus.

Your Trifilin' Friend Indeed,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches


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