The Shitbag-Elect Donald
Trump made many bullshit promises in his campaign to become the
Shitbag-Elect. Now that Trump has
become the Shitbag-Elect republicans are trying to fulfill said bullshit
promises. Because republicans are so in
tune with the people, they have chosen to start with a plan to repeal and
replace Obamacare. A strong majority of
twenty-six percent of the population has stated clearly they want Obamacare
repealed. You may be saying, "But,
Donna, twenty-six percent is not a majority." To that I say, "Stop talking to your computer. I can't hear you. And also, no shit. I can
do the math. Facts and figures don't matter in Donald Trump's America. If they did, Donald Trump wouldn't be the
Shitbag-Elect."
***Note: I refuse to refer to Donald Trump as president. I will be trying out different titles for
the next four years or until Trump is impeached and burned at the stake for
being a witch. Obama-hating,
Trump-loving douche bags have been quick to claim it's hypocritical of us not
to accept Trump because we didn't like it when they didn't accept Obama. I could take the time to explain to these
douche bags all the ways Trump and Obama are different, but it's pointless.
Because they're douche bags. Instead I
say, "Hey douche bags, if you don't like it when others behave like you,
maybe you should stop being douche bags."
Anyway, with the election of
Shitbag Trump, republicans practically pissed their pants at the idea of
repealing and replacing Obamacare. Some
of the older congressmen actually pissed their pants, which is a condition for
which they should seek medical attention.
But they won't be able to.
Because in their pissing excitement to repeal Obamacare they completely
forgot to replace it.
If you are one of the twenty
million Americans who have health insurance for the first time because of
Obamacare, don't despair. The plan is
to repeal Obamacare right away and in two years it will be replaced with...
something. According to Paul Ryan they
have "plenty of ideas to replace it." We should all be vaguely comforted by his vaguely comforting
words.
Using my superior
investigative reporting talents or my imagination, I've learned there actually
is a vaguely comforting healthcare plan in the works. In his spare time between his self-congratulatory tour of
America and treasonous tweets, Shitbag Trump has put together a healthcare
bill. Or what he thinks a healthcare
bill looks like. Through my super
special top secret connections I've obtained an advance copy of the bill, which
I will share with you now.
The Trump Healthcare
Plan and Wealth Management Bill of 2019
First, just so know, folks,
I didn't want to wait until 2019 to unveil my health plan. I said to my advisors, I said, "Look,
why are we wasting time? This is a
very, very pro-health plan. I don't
even know if I'm going to want to run for re-election in 2018. I mean, maybe there's a chance I will, but
probably, I won't." Then one of my
very top advisors, Scott Baio, said to me, "Mr. Trump, you have to serve a
four year term." I said to him, I
said, "Four years. Get out of here
with four years. I'll get it done in two. The same way I build my hotels, under budget
and ahead of schedule." I only
gave Scott Baio a position in my administration because he said nice things
about me and quite frankly, he needed the work. But if he's going to start making huge demands of my time, he can
go. I hate to say it, but, Chachi,
you're fired. ("You're
fired" is a registered trademark of the Trump Organization.)
I don't know why it has to
take two years to repeal Obamacare, which as we all know, is a total
disaster. My advisors were all like,
"But, Mr. Trump, if you repeal it right away twenty million people won't
have health insurance." So
what? They didn't have health insurance
before Obamacare and it didn't kill them.
Those people will be much, much happier under the Trump Healthcare and
Wealth Management Plan. Believe me.
Unlike Obamacare, which
costs billions and billions of taxpayer dollars, Trump Health won't cost a
cent. Not one cent. My bill is easy to understand. It has five key points and that's it. That's it, folks. Five key points to keep Americans healthy. Obamacare is thousands and thousands of
pages long. I looked at that and I'm
like thousands of pages. Who has time
to read thousands of pages? No
one. That's why I, Donald J. Trump, am
calling for a complete recall of Obamacare.
Beginning immediately, all natural born citizens of America will be
covered under the Trump Healthcare and Wealth Management Plan. Immigrants and illegals, which, in my mind,
are really the same thing, will not be covered under my plan. I mean, they shouldn't be here anyway and I
would have built the wall already if Chachi hadn't been wasting my time.
Each American will follow
these five very, very important steps to stay healthy, wealthy and wise. Also, I, Donald J. Trump, have trademarked
the phrase, "healthy, wealthy and wise." No one can use that phrase without paying me for the rights. This is why I'm one of the great
businessmen, maybe even the greatest.
No one had thought to trademark "healthy, wealthy and
wise." It was just sitting there
in public domain losing money.
1.) Stay
healthy. In other words, don't get
sick. People are wasting billions and
billions of dollars on doctors and health insurance when they shouldn't even be
getting sick in the first place. I have
never been sick a day in my life, except for the heel spur or hangnail or whatever
that serious illness was that got me out of the draft. Sickness is a sign of weakness. You think Hillary Clinton lost the election
because of Russia? Wrong! It was the pneumonia. Everything trickles down from the top,
folks. If our leader is sick then our
people get sick. It's called
contagious. Trump is the only one who
can keep you healthy. Now, if you are
already sick, stop it or die. Those are
your only options, folks. Be healthy or
be dead.
2.) Be
wealthy. Most people who die from
serious illnesses are poor. I'll let you
in on a little secret, folks. There are
no incurable diseases. You only need
the money to pay for the cure. I know
some people are saying, "But, Mr. Trump, I can't afford a Christmas ham
and Tiny Tim needs an operation."
Sad! There is absolutely no
reason to not have money. None. So, Tiny Tim needs an operation. What do you do? You go to a bank and get a loan for five, ten million dollars or
whatever an operation costs. And here's
the part most people don't know, you don't have to pay back the loan. Sometime, probably six months, a year after
you get the loan, the bank will come to you and say, "You haven't made a
single payment on this loan and the interest is accruing." And you say to them, you say, "How do
you expect me to pay that? We didn't
make any money on this Tiny Tim deal."
And the bank will say, "That's not our problem." And you'll say, "Come on. You assumed the risk when you agreed to this
deal. Look, you lost some money. I lost some money. It's the cost of doing business.
But hey, you get to advertise Trump as an investor in your bank. If you look at it that way, you're coming
out of this way better than I am."
They'll say, "What?"
Then you give them an autographed copy of your book and leave. The next time you need money you get a loan
from a different bank and do the same thing.
There is plenty of money to go around, folks.
3.) Be
wise. A wise man once said, "An
apple a day keeps the doctor away."
And that wise man was Dr. Ben Carson.
I couldn't believe it. Could not
believe it, folks. We were just sitting
around Trump Tower going over my healthcare plan and he blurts this out. I said to him, I said, "Ben, why would
you tell me that? You're a doctor. This will put you out of
business." And he said to me,
"Donald, when the Egyptians were storing grain in the pyramids for Joseph
and his amazing Technicolor dream coat..." And I said, "Ben, who cares? People are dying by the hundreds and thousands because they can't
see a doctor and you mean to tell me an apple will fix that?" And he said, "I didn't mean that in a
literal sense." Give me a break,
Dr. Ben. Obviously, he was trying to
flip flop because he slipped up and told me a secret that would put him and all
his little doctor friends out of business.
Now, I don't care for
fruit. Never have. You don't know what's in it or where it
comes from or who touched it before it got to you. It's disgusting. I eat
fast food only because you know what it is.
You get a Big Mac in New York.
You get a Big Mac in China. It's
the same. Absolutely the same. And you know what's in it. Two all beef patties, special sauce,
lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. McDonald's is a trusted food
organization. Am I right or am I
right? We need to eat apples, but
apples are gross. What do you do? You go to McDonald's and you order an apple
pie. It's delicious and it comes in a little cardboard sleeve so you don't burn
your fingers. The last time I went into
a McDonald's and ordered an apple pie it cost somewheres around fifteen
cents. Can you believe it, folks? For fifteen cents a day you never have to
see a doctor. And all that money was
spent on Obamacare because Barack Obama was born in Kenya and, really, I think
it's Hillary Clinton's fault.
Unfortunately, folks, the
McDonald's apple pie plan for Trump Health has caused some friction with Carl's
Junior. Carl's Junior was all like,
"You made me the head of the FDA and now you're endorsing a competitor." And I was all like, "Look, Carl's
Junior, I thought I made you the Secretary of Labor." And he said to me, he said, "I was
never really clear on what you wanted me to do and my name isn't Carl's
Junior." And I said to him,
"Who cares? You don't make apple
pie. I hate to say it, but Carl's Junior,
you're fired." ("You're
fired" is a registered trademark of the Trump Organization.)
4.) Perhaps,
keep a first aid kit handy.
5.) Exercise
is a killer, folks. Believe me. I am a very against exercise person. Always have been. It's true. And I'm in the
best shape of anyone I know. I know
these guys and they get up every morning and they go to the gym and they work
out for like an hour or something. And
they're like, "Oh, Trump, you've got to work out with me. It feels so great." And then these guys get to be around eighty
years old and they just drop dead. Just
like that. Exercise has never been
proven to be a good thing. I mean, look
at Arnold Schwarzenegger. Goes around
calling himself Mr. Universe. All that
working out and for what? His ratings
for the Celebrity Apprentice were a total disaster. His ratings didn't even come close to Trump's. My show was the number one show of all time
in the history of television. It's
true. Look it up. I laid the ground work for Arnold to be a
success and he totally blew it. I hate
to say it, but he's a very, very unloyal person. Didn't even thank me in his
first show and he voted for Hillary.
Can you believe it? Former
republican governor of California and he sides with Hillary over Trump. Arnold will go down in history as one of, if
not, the worst governor in California's history. The crooked Hollywood elite has been very unfair to Trump. I mean Meryl Streep gets a lifetime
achievement award and instead of talking about herself for ten minutes, which
is what I would have done, she picks on Trump.
Very unfair and biased! I'm not
saying there is something going on between Meryl and Arnold, but perhaps, it's
very strange how they've both turned against me and no one is talking about
it.
So, exercise is a complete
waste of time, folks. I mean, my
Nielsen numbers were tremendous and Arnold with all his muscles was a complete
loser. Arnold had Boy George on his
show and he just died. If you can't get
people to tune in for Boy George's final TV appearance... I mean, come on. Get this, Scott Baio, who is still here for
some reason, is telling me his name is George Michael. Excuse me, excuse me,
Scott Baio. Who cares? George Michael, Boy George, George
Jefferson. What difference does it make what you call him? He's dead.
All I'm saying is if exercise did any good, then maybe, perhaps, Arnold
would have been able to save him.
Namaste, Bitches
