Tuesday, January 24, 2017

You Probably Think This Song is About You - Part 2 Hear Me Roar

On Saturday, January 21, 2017, nasty women around the world woke up and said, "Oh. It's on, motherfucker."  Women's marches were held in every state, in over fifty countries and on every continent.  It's estimated over three million women demonstrated and another two million held their purses. The ghost of Susan B. Anthony said, "That's the shit."

It was a truly awesome sauce day for nasty women and the men who love them.  It was an even better day for knitters who finally had their work appreciated in a cool, non-grandma, type way.  And it was the best day to listen to reporters try not to say the word pussy.  My personal favorite came from NBC.  I can't remember the reporter's name and he should thank me for forgetting it. Unknown reporter said he couldn't show the signs on TV because they contained "words of the female kitten variety."  The ghost of Walter Cronkite said, "Not too quick on your feet. Are ya, sport?"

There was no looting, no known arrests and no violence.  I find the lack of violence especially amazing when you consider the bathroom situation.  Imagine how long it must have taken to get to a bathroom with hundreds of thousands of women crowded together on the streets.  Then you finally find a bathroom and the line is insane.  You've been drinking coffee and water all morning because you had a long trip to get to the long march.  You have got to go, dammit.  The public restroom situation sucks for women.  Every woman has a crucial breaking point where she can wait no longer and will smack a bitch to get in that stall.  As a woman, I find it inspiring that not a single bitch was smacked.

The day was not without some controversy as the people who believe the Jackass in the White House belongs in the White House struggled to understand what was happening.  I shall try to respond to some of their concerns.

Kellyanne Conway said she didn't understand the point of it.  Kellyanne, I'd like to offer you an alternative fact and say you do understand the point of it.  

The Jackass in the White House tweeted the following:  Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn't these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.  

Okay, Jackass, I know you believe Hillary Clinton flew in three million immigrants on Election Day to not vote in swing states, but... no.  The majority of Americans didn't vote for you.  We don't want you. 

And as far as celebs hurting causes...

Couldn't. Agree. More.

Michael Flynn, Jr. tweeted this: Women already have equal rights, and YES equal pay in this country.  What MORE do you want? Free mani/pedis?
First, yes, of course, we want free mani/pedis.  These women were on their feet all day.  A free pedicure is the least you could do.  Second, fuck you and your caps lock.  I can't even afford a decent mani/pedi on what I make.  Third, please explain equal rights to Newt Gingrich because he's trying to have Madonna arrested for exercising her First Amendment right to free speech.  And fuck you both for making me defend Madonna.

While we're on the subject of celebrities, Ashley Judd is now my favorite Judd.  Although, I don't think I had a favorite Judd before.  I guess if I'm going to rank them, it's Ashley Judd, Naomi Judd, Judd Nelson, Judd Hirsch and Wynonna.  

Cher was supposed to speak in D.C., but she couldn't get through the crowd.  Cher later released a statement which read, "If I could turn back time, I would have arrived earlier."  

The ghost of Sonny Bono said, "I don't get you, babe.  Come on.  Congressman Sonny Bono. You should have been better prepared for this." 

Meanwhile at the White House, it was reported the Jackass in the White House was listening to the hundreds of thousands of women protesting outside the White House and totally losing his shit about it.  He could also hear the ghost of Richard Nixon laughing maniacally and saying something about not having Nixon to kick around anymore.  

In an attempt to divert attention away from the protestors, the Jackass decided to meet with the C.I.A. and tell them how many times he'd been on the cover of TIME.  For the record, it was fifteen, which he thinks is a record.  It's not.  

The ghost of Richard Nixon laughed maniacally and said, "I hold the record.  I was on the cover fifty-five times.  And I got to meet Elvis.  Suck on that."

The ghost of Elvis said, "Man, I was high."

The Jackass was pissed to realize no one found his non-record of TIME covers impressive enough to distract from the millions of people protesting around the world.  So he had the great idea of making his press secretary, Sean Spicer, yell at reporters for reporting.  

CNN chose not to go live with Sean Spicer's statement and continued their coverage of the protests instead.  The Jackass in the White House got his panties all in a wad as he didn't understand the worldwide appeal of millions of women protesting.

The ghost of Nellie Bly explained, "It's a movement the likes of which nobody has seen."

The ghost of Susan B. Anthony said, "Burn."  

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, January 22, 2017

You Probably Think This Song is About You

On Friday, January 20, 2017, we witnessed a truly historic moment.  A moment which will be discussed and debated for years to come.  We will all remember where we were when we first saw Kellyanne Conway's outfit.  

A picture of my aunt in her high school majorette uniform immediately came to mind.  My aunt foolishly told me she is still in possession of her fire baton.  I then made the reasonable request that she light it up and allow me to film her doing her awesome fire baton routine.  We'd put it on YouTube and show Kellyanne how real fifty-year-old majorettes get it done.  Unfortunately, my aunt selfishly refused to singe her eyebrows for my amusement. 

Fifty-year-old majorettes aren't the only gift Kellyanne gave us this weekend.  This very morning I learned all about "alternative facts" by watching Kellyanne on Meet The Press.  Oh, Kellyanne, you bring me such joy.  "Alternative facts" are fucking awesome.  You'll see.  I shall now write about the inauguration with the use of "alternative facts." 

I, Donna Troy, am not only a blog writer.  I am also a psychic medium. Alternative Fact. Several deceased historical figures shared their thoughts about the new president with me.  No dead president is happier about what went down this weekend than one Richard M. Nixon.  I seriously couldn't shut him up.  Not that I blame him.  Literally, one day of 45's presidency made Nixon seem like a much more likeable guy.

The day began with the Obamas graciously welcoming 45 and that nude model to the White House.  That nude model presented Michelle Obama with a Tiffany's box presumably containing a "help me" note.  That nude model was actually dressed quite elegantly.  The ghost of Jackie Kennedy said, "Bitch stole my look."  That nude model tried to run away, but the Secret Service caught her in time for the photo shoot.  Alternative Fact.

Meanwhile, back at Inauguration Station, dignitaries arrived. As former presidents and vice presidents took their seats, my heart ached for what once was and what is about to be.  Then I saw Dan Quayle and I remembered that time the former vice president got into a fight with the fictional TV character, Murphy Brown. Actual Fact. 

I didn't care much for George W. Bush as president, but I get quite a kick out of him now.  I think it's because he always looks so chipper and carefree in moments that are neither chipper nor carefree.  Also, he got stuck in a poncho during the inaugural address.  Anyway, George W. Bush showed up looking all chipper and carefree.  He practically danced to his seat.  Not that I blame him.  Literally, one day of 45's presidency made Bush seem like a much more likeable guy.  The ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Wipe that goofy grin off your face, jackass.  This is my moment."

Jimmy Carter arrived and, to everyone's joy and relief, he announced his plan to run for president in 2020 at the age of 96.  Alternative Fact.  It was noted President Carter flew coach from Georgia to D.C.  The ghost of Richard Nixon called him a cheap bastard.  Not cool, Nixon.

Jimmy Carter makes me think of Billy Carter, which makes me wonder why we never see or hear from 45's three siblings.  I decided to do some digging and discovered the CIA is actively investigating the disappearance of the siblings.  Alternative Fact.  Oh, and Russia is probably involved. 

The Clintons joined the Carters and the Bushes.  Hillary carried herself with grace and dignity while the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt wept.  

The ghost of Geraldine Ferraro had a message for the Hillary haters:  "If 45 had won the popular vote by three million votes and lost the election, he'd be live tweeting about how totally unfair this is.  So, shut the fuck up or I will fucking haunt your dreams." 

The ghost of Betty Ford said, "I need a drink."

Even the ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Yeah, give Hillary a break.  Everyone talks about Watergate, but no one remembers how I graciously conceded to Kennedy even though there was suspicion of vote tampering."

The ghost of JFK said, "Prove it."

Then the ghost of Eisenhower said, "Shut up, Dick.  You only conceded because I told you to."  And Nixon was all like, "You never supported me."  And they got all into it and I had to tune them out.

This was followed by the absurd procession of 45's children.  If you're wondering if it's tradition to announce the children of the incoming president, it's not.  Looking especially tense and creepier than normal was 45 Junior.  Sensing something was up, I decided to do some digging and discovered Junior had been "forced" to murder one of Putin's enemies shortly before the ceremony. Alternative Fact.  It should also be noted all four of 45's adult children completely ignored their ten-year-old brother while his parents were otherwise engaged. 

The Bidens and the Obamas walked onto the stage and America cried. At least, the smarter parts of America cried.  The crowd chanted, "Eight more years!  Eight more years!"  Alternative Fact.  

Then the sky grew dark and Mike Pence made his way to the podium.  He made it a point to walk over to Hillary Clinton and shake her hand.  Even for an asshole, it was a classy move. 

Finally, the moment we'd all been dreading, thunder roared, lightning filled the sky and 45 appeared.  The crowd chanted, "Hill-a-ry!  Hill-a-ry!"  Alternative Fact.  It should be noted 45 made no attempt to shake Hillary's hand.  It was a classless move.

Sexual predator and Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas swore in Mike Pence.  Pence took the oath of office using Ronald Reagan's family Bible.  The ghost of Ronald Reagan said, "Leave me out of this."

Supreme Court Chief Justice, John Roberts swore in 45.  Forty-Five took the oath of office using his own Bible, his own Bible being a copy of The Art of The Deal, and Lincoln's Bible.  The ghost of Abe Lincoln said, "Motherfucker, don't touch my shit!" 

What followed can only be described as the worst inaugural address in the history of inaugurations and addresses.  The speech can be summed up with a few phrases and the facial expressions of George W. Bush.

"This is an historic movement the likes of which nobody has ever seen before.  Inner cities.  Education system flushed with cash.  Gangs, crimes, drugs.  American carnage.  Fucking foreigners.  America first.  I will completely eradicate from the earth radical Islamic terrorism."

"Have no fear.  We are protected by God."

"With malice toward all and charity toward none, make America great again."

The ghosts of all thirty-eight dead presidents said, "What. The. Fuck."

The ghost of Betty Ford said, "I need a drink."

The ghost of Richard Nixon said, "Can someone get Betty a drink?"

The crowd that had gathered on the National Mall booed. Alternative Fact.  Also, my data shows the number of people gathered on the National Mall to be exactly seventeen and a half.  Alternative Fact.

Later that evening, 45 had three balls.  At the Armed Services Ball, he and that nude model danced to I Will Always Love You.  First, that's a weird fucking song choice.  It's a break up song.  Second, I hope he is haunted by the ghost of Whitney Houston.  Third, I hope he is sued by the living Dolly Parton.

At the other two balls, 45 and that nude model danced to My Way.  The ghost of Frank Sinatra said, "Motherfucker, this song ain't about you."

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, January 16, 2017


You know when you're sick and you're lying in bed and you finally get into a comfortable position and you don't want to move out of that position because you know you'll feel like shit again if you move?  That's how I ended up watching three episodes of an Entourage marathon.  That was all I could take before I was forced to push through the pain and find the remote.  If you haven't seen Entourage, it's about a group of douche bags.  The head douche bag is rich and famous and the other douche bags desperately ride his coattails hoping some wealth and fame will rub off on them.

This brings me to Donald Trump's cabinet picks.  In a few days, Trump will be inaugurated and he will walk into the Oval Office as the least prepared person to lead the nation ever.  Many people clung to the hope that Trump would, at the very least, surround himself with people who know what they're doing.  He has not.  Instead, the Douche Bag-Elect has surrounded himself with a truly ridiculous group of douche bag hangers on.

Let's take a look at some of the more absurd cabinet appointments and what you need to know to ensure your cabinet is stocked with the proper amount of mild sedatives.

Attorney General - Jeff Sessions  

He looks and sounds like a cartoon.  He always seems surprised and his name, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, is the name of a southern villain.  It just is.  It may be unfair to judge a person by his name, but can you honestly tell me you didn't look at that name and think 'slave owner'?  Of course, you can't.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III would like the American people to know he has been unjustly labeled a racist and a bigot.  Yes, he called the NAACP and the ACLU communist and un-American.  Yes, he said he thought the Ku Klux Klan was okay until he found out they smoked pot.  Also, he's against legalizing marijuana.  Yes, he doesn't think violence against gay people should be labeled a hate crime.  Yes, he voted against the Violence Against Women Act.  But he did vote in favor of giving Rosa Parks a medal.  So, stick that in your bong and smoke it.

Secretary of State - Rex Tillerson

Rex Tillerson is the CEO of Exxon Mobil and he has five hundred billion reasons to lift sanctions with Russia.  Putin even awarded him a medal for most money spent by a rich American in Russia or whatever.  And you thought Trump was in love with Putin.  Rex seriously put a tiger in Putin's tank.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - Dr. Ben Carson

Yes, Ben Carson is completely unqualified to run HUD, but how hard could it be?  I mean, it's not brain surgery. 
Dr. Carson believes the key to overcoming poverty is individual effort, not government programs.  "If you were born into poverty and have not yet reached the point of achievement where a TV movie has been made about your life, it's probably your fault.  I literally did it with my eyes closed."

Education Secretary - Betsy DeVos

Donald Trump famously proclaimed his love for the poorly educated.  And apparently, Betsy DeVos loves the poorly educated as well.  So much so, she has made it her life's work to ensure the poorly educated don't get accidentally educated.  DeVos is an activist who has worked to defund public schools in Michigan while working to secure extra funds for failing charter schools.  Activist in this context is defined as a rich bitch who's never had a real job, but suffers from an overwhelming need to feel important.  Also, that suit is hideous.

Commerce Secretary - Wilbur Ross

If you are a voter who was concerned about Hillary Clinton's ties to Wall Street, meet billionaire Wall Street investor, Wilbur Ross. 

If you are a coal miner who was concerned Hillary Clinton would put you out of work, meet Sago Mine owner, Wilbur Ross.  You may recall in 2006 twelve men were killed in an explosion at the Sago Mine in West Virginia.  Prior to this tragic event, the company had been cited for numerous safety violations.  It may seem like the appointment of Wilbur Ross is a big fuck you to all the miners who voted for Trump, but remember, Trump only promised to keep them working.  He didn't promise to keep them alive.

Small Business Administration - Linda McMahon
Linda McMahon is the chief executive of World Wrestling Entertainment.  I have nothing to add here. 
Treasury Secretary - Steve Mnunchin

Are you a voter who was concerned about Hillary Clinton's paid speeches to Goldman Sachs?  Meet former Goldman Sachs executive, Steve Mnunchin.
Labor Secretary - Andrew Puzder

Andrew Puzder is the CEO of Carl's Jr. and Hardee's.  He's super pro-American and I quote, "I like beautiful women eating burgers in bikinis. I think it’s very American."  How are these restaurants even still in business?  Every Hardee's I pass is always empty. The food is horrible and it takes a half hour to get a burger. I'm no business expert, but I suspect Hardee's suffers from low employee morale.  Also, Andy is against increasing the minimum wage. Also, Andy is in favor of replacing minimum wage earners with machines. 

Chief Strategist - Stephen Bannon

Bannon is the former head of Breitbart News.  Breitbart News is known for headlines such as, The Solution to Online Harassment is Simple:  Women Should Log Off, or better yet, Birth Control Makes Women Unattractive and Crazy. 

Also, are you a voter who was concerned about Hillary Clinton's paid speeches to Goldman Sachs?  Meet former Goldman Sachs banker, Stephen Bannon.

Senior Adviser to the President - Jared Kushner

Kushner is Trump's son-in-law.  That's him in the picture under Ivanka, which is where Trump would like to be.  Because he has publicly stated his desire to date his daughter. His daughter, Ivanka, not Tiffany because he's forgotten Tiffany exists.  Some are concerned the appointment of Kushner violates nepotism laws, but I'm really more concerned about Trump violating Ivanka.  Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Ivanka Trump.

Dear Ivanka,

You need to get out of there.  Your brothers are possible serial killers.  Your dad wants to date you and your husband is getting way too chummy with your dad, who wants to date you.  

Bitch, run all ready.
Best Wishes,
Donna Troy 
??? - Rudy Giuliani

The Trump Administration does not require the services of Rudy Giuliani at this time.  They will keep his resume on file for future openings.

??? - Chris Christie

Did you know Charles Kushner, father of Jared, who is married to Trump's favorite daughter, served time in federal prison for tax evasion, illegal campaign contributions and witness tampering?  Did you know Chris Christie was the prosecuting U.S. Attorney on that case?  Did you know Chris Christie actually expected to be appointed to a cabinet position?  Sad!

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, January 9, 2017

Doctor Do Little

The Shitbag-Elect Donald Trump made many bullshit promises in his campaign to become the Shitbag-Elect.  Now that Trump has become the Shitbag-Elect republicans are trying to fulfill said bullshit promises.  Because republicans are so in tune with the people, they have chosen to start with a plan to repeal and replace Obamacare.  A strong majority of twenty-six percent of the population has stated clearly they want Obamacare repealed.  You may be saying, "But, Donna, twenty-six percent is not a majority."  To that I say, "Stop talking to your computer.  I can't hear you.  And also, no shit.  I can do the math. Facts and figures don't matter in Donald Trump's America.  If they did, Donald Trump wouldn't be the Shitbag-Elect."

***Note:  I refuse to refer to Donald Trump as president.  I will be trying out different titles for the next four years or until Trump is impeached and burned at the stake for being a witch.  Obama-hating, Trump-loving douche bags have been quick to claim it's hypocritical of us not to accept Trump because we didn't like it when they didn't accept Obama.  I could take the time to explain to these douche bags all the ways Trump and Obama are different, but it's pointless. Because they're douche bags.  Instead I say, "Hey douche bags, if you don't like it when others behave like you, maybe you should stop being douche bags."

Anyway, with the election of Shitbag Trump, republicans practically pissed their pants at the idea of repealing and replacing Obamacare.  Some of the older congressmen actually pissed their pants, which is a condition for which they should seek medical attention.  But they won't be able to.  Because in their pissing excitement to repeal Obamacare they completely forgot to replace it. 

If you are one of the twenty million Americans who have health insurance for the first time because of Obamacare, don't despair.  The plan is to repeal Obamacare right away and in two years it will be replaced with... something.  According to Paul Ryan they have "plenty of ideas to replace it."  We should all be vaguely comforted by his vaguely comforting words.

Using my superior investigative reporting talents or my imagination, I've learned there actually is a vaguely comforting healthcare plan in the works.  In his spare time between his self-congratulatory tour of America and treasonous tweets, Shitbag Trump has put together a healthcare bill.  Or what he thinks a healthcare bill looks like.  Through my super special top secret connections I've obtained an advance copy of the bill, which I will share with you now.

The Trump Healthcare Plan and Wealth Management Bill of 2019

First, just so know, folks, I didn't want to wait until 2019 to unveil my health plan.  I said to my advisors, I said, "Look, why are we wasting time?  This is a very, very pro-health plan.  I don't even know if I'm going to want to run for re-election in 2018.  I mean, maybe there's a chance I will, but probably, I won't."  Then one of my very top advisors, Scott Baio, said to me, "Mr. Trump, you have to serve a four year term."  I said to him, I said, "Four years.  Get out of here with four years.  I'll get it done in two.  The same way I build my hotels, under budget and ahead of schedule."  I only gave Scott Baio a position in my administration because he said nice things about me and quite frankly, he needed the work.  But if he's going to start making huge demands of my time, he can go.  I hate to say it, but, Chachi, you're fired.  ("You're fired" is a registered trademark of the Trump Organization.)

I don't know why it has to take two years to repeal Obamacare, which as we all know, is a total disaster.  My advisors were all like, "But, Mr. Trump, if you repeal it right away twenty million people won't have health insurance."  So what?  They didn't have health insurance before Obamacare and it didn't kill them.  Those people will be much, much happier under the Trump Healthcare and Wealth Management Plan.  Believe me.

Unlike Obamacare, which costs billions and billions of taxpayer dollars, Trump Health won't cost a cent.  Not one cent.  My bill is easy to understand.  It has five key points and that's it.  That's it, folks.  Five key points to keep Americans healthy.  Obamacare is thousands and thousands of pages long.  I looked at that and I'm like thousands of pages.  Who has time to read thousands of pages?  No one.  That's why I, Donald J. Trump, am calling for a complete recall of Obamacare.  Beginning immediately, all natural born citizens of America will be covered under the Trump Healthcare and Wealth Management Plan.  Immigrants and illegals, which, in my mind, are really the same thing, will not be covered under my plan.  I mean, they shouldn't be here anyway and I would have built the wall already if Chachi hadn't been wasting my time.

Each American will follow these five very, very important steps to stay healthy, wealthy and wise.  Also, I, Donald J. Trump, have trademarked the phrase, "healthy, wealthy and wise."  No one can use that phrase without paying me for the rights.  This is why I'm one of the great businessmen, maybe even the greatest.  No one had thought to trademark "healthy, wealthy and wise."  It was just sitting there in public domain losing money. 

1.)  Stay healthy.  In other words, don't get sick.  People are wasting billions and billions of dollars on doctors and health insurance when they shouldn't even be getting sick in the first place.  I have never been sick a day in my life, except for the heel spur or hangnail or whatever that serious illness was that got me out of the draft.  Sickness is a sign of weakness.  You think Hillary Clinton lost the election because of Russia?  Wrong!  It was the pneumonia.  Everything trickles down from the top, folks.  If our leader is sick then our people get sick.  It's called contagious.  Trump is the only one who can keep you healthy.  Now, if you are already sick, stop it or die.  Those are your only options, folks.  Be healthy or be dead. 

2.)  Be wealthy.  Most people who die from serious illnesses are poor.  I'll let you in on a little secret, folks.  There are no incurable diseases.  You only need the money to pay for the cure.  I know some people are saying, "But, Mr. Trump, I can't afford a Christmas ham and Tiny Tim needs an operation."  Sad!  There is absolutely no reason to not have money.  None.  So, Tiny Tim needs an operation.  What do you do?  You go to a bank and get a loan for five, ten million dollars or whatever an operation costs.  And here's the part most people don't know, you don't have to pay back the loan.  Sometime, probably six months, a year after you get the loan, the bank will come to you and say, "You haven't made a single payment on this loan and the interest is accruing."  And you say to them, you say, "How do you expect me to pay that?  We didn't make any money on this Tiny Tim deal."  And the bank will say, "That's not our problem."  And you'll say, "Come on.  You assumed the risk when you agreed to this deal.  Look, you lost some money.  I lost some money.  It's the cost of doing business.  But hey, you get to advertise Trump as an investor in your bank.  If you look at it that way, you're coming out of this way better than I am."  They'll say, "What?"  Then you give them an autographed copy of your book and leave.  The next time you need money you get a loan from a different bank and do the same thing.  There is plenty of money to go around, folks. 

3.)  Be wise.  A wise man once said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."  And that wise man was Dr. Ben Carson.  I couldn't believe it.  Could not believe it, folks.  We were just sitting around Trump Tower going over my healthcare plan and he blurts this out.  I said to him, I said, "Ben, why would you tell me that?  You're a doctor.  This will put you out of business."  And he said to me, "Donald, when the Egyptians were storing grain in the pyramids for Joseph and his amazing Technicolor dream coat..."  And I said, "Ben, who cares?  People are dying by the hundreds and thousands because they can't see a doctor and you mean to tell me an apple will fix that?"  And he said, "I didn't mean that in a literal sense."  Give me a break, Dr. Ben.  Obviously, he was trying to flip flop because he slipped up and told me a secret that would put him and all his little doctor friends out of business.

Now, I don't care for fruit.  Never have.  You don't know what's in it or where it comes from or who touched it before it got to you.  It's disgusting.  I eat fast food only because you know what it is.  You get a Big Mac in New York.  You get a Big Mac in China.  It's the same.  Absolutely the same.  And you know what's in it.  Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.  McDonald's is a trusted food organization.  Am I right or am I right?  We need to eat apples, but apples are gross.  What do you do?  You go to McDonald's and you order an apple pie. It's delicious and it comes in a little cardboard sleeve so you don't burn your fingers.  The last time I went into a McDonald's and ordered an apple pie it cost somewheres around fifteen cents.  Can you believe it, folks?  For fifteen cents a day you never have to see a doctor.  And all that money was spent on Obamacare because Barack Obama was born in Kenya and, really, I think it's Hillary Clinton's fault. 

Unfortunately, folks, the McDonald's apple pie plan for Trump Health has caused some friction with Carl's Junior.  Carl's Junior was all like, "You made me the head of the FDA and now you're endorsing a competitor."  And I was all like, "Look, Carl's Junior, I thought I made you the Secretary of Labor."  And he said to me, he said, "I was never really clear on what you wanted me to do and my name isn't Carl's Junior."  And I said to him, "Who cares?  You don't make apple pie.  I hate to say it, but Carl's Junior, you're fired."  ("You're fired" is a registered trademark of the Trump Organization.)

4.)  Perhaps, keep a first aid kit handy. 

5.)  Exercise is a killer, folks.  Believe me.  I am a very against exercise person.  Always have been.  It's true.  And I'm in the best shape of anyone I know.  I know these guys and they get up every morning and they go to the gym and they work out for like an hour or something.  And they're like, "Oh, Trump, you've got to work out with me.  It feels so great."  And then these guys get to be around eighty years old and they just drop dead.  Just like that.  Exercise has never been proven to be a good thing.  I mean, look at Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Goes around calling himself Mr. Universe.  All that working out and for what?  His ratings for the Celebrity Apprentice were a total disaster.  His ratings didn't even come close to Trump's.  My show was the number one show of all time in the history of television.  It's true.  Look it up.  I laid the ground work for Arnold to be a success and he totally blew it.  I hate to say it, but he's a very, very unloyal person. Didn't even thank me in his first show and he voted for Hillary.  Can you believe it?  Former republican governor of California and he sides with Hillary over Trump.  Arnold will go down in history as one of, if not, the worst governor in California's history.  The crooked Hollywood elite has been very unfair to Trump.  I mean Meryl Streep gets a lifetime achievement award and instead of talking about herself for ten minutes, which is what I would have done, she picks on Trump.  Very unfair and biased!  I'm not saying there is something going on between Meryl and Arnold, but perhaps, it's very strange how they've both turned against me and no one is talking about it. 

So, exercise is a complete waste of time, folks.  I mean, my Nielsen numbers were tremendous and Arnold with all his muscles was a complete loser.  Arnold had Boy George on his show and he just died.  If you can't get people to tune in for Boy George's final TV appearance... I mean, come on.  Get this, Scott Baio, who is still here for some reason, is telling me his name is George Michael. Excuse me, excuse me, Scott Baio.  Who cares?  George Michael, Boy George, George Jefferson. What difference does it make what you call him?  He's dead.  All I'm saying is if exercise did any good, then maybe, perhaps, Arnold would have been able to save him.

Namaste, Bitches


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