On Saturday, January 21,
2017, nasty women around the world woke up and said, "Oh. It's on,
motherfucker." Women's marches
were held in every state, in over fifty countries and on every continent. It's estimated over three million women
demonstrated and another two million held their purses. The ghost of Susan B.
Anthony said, "That's the shit."
It was a truly awesome sauce
day for nasty women and the men who love them.
It was an even better day for knitters who finally had their work
appreciated in a cool, non-grandma, type way.
And it was the best day to listen to reporters try not to say the word
pussy. My personal favorite came from
NBC. I can't remember the reporter's
name and he should thank me for forgetting it. Unknown reporter said he
couldn't show the signs on TV because they contained "words of the female
kitten variety." The ghost of
Walter Cronkite said, "Not too quick on your feet. Are ya, sport?"
There was no looting, no
known arrests and no violence. I find
the lack of violence especially amazing when you consider the bathroom
situation. Imagine how long it must
have taken to get to a bathroom with hundreds of thousands of women crowded
together on the streets. Then you
finally find a bathroom and the line is insane. You've been drinking coffee and water all morning because you had
a long trip to get to the long march.
You have got to go, dammit.
The public restroom situation sucks for women. Every woman has a crucial breaking point where she can wait no
longer and will smack a bitch to get in that stall. As a woman, I find it inspiring that not a single bitch was
smacked.
The day was not without some
controversy as the people who believe the Jackass in the White House belongs in
the White House struggled to understand what was happening. I shall try to respond to some of their
concerns.
Kellyanne Conway said she
didn't understand the point of it.
Kellyanne, I'd like to offer you an alternative fact and
say you do understand the point of it.
The Jackass in the White House tweeted the following: Watched protests yesterday but
was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn't these people
vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.
Okay, Jackass, I know you
believe Hillary Clinton flew in three million immigrants on Election Day to not
vote in swing states, but... no. The
majority of Americans didn't vote for you.
We don't want you.
And as far as celebs hurting causes...
And as far as celebs hurting causes...
Couldn't. Agree. More.
Michael Flynn, Jr. tweeted
this: Women already have equal rights, and YES equal pay in
this country. What MORE do you want?
Free mani/pedis?
First, yes, of course, we want free mani/pedis. These women were on their feet all day. A free pedicure is the least you could
do. Second, fuck you and your caps lock. I can't even afford a decent
mani/pedi on what I make. Third, please
explain equal rights to Newt Gingrich because he's trying to have Madonna
arrested for exercising her First Amendment right to free speech. And fuck you both for making me defend
Madonna.
While we're on the subject of celebrities, Ashley
Judd is now my favorite Judd. Although,
I don't think I had a favorite Judd before. I guess if I'm going to rank them, it's Ashley Judd, Naomi Judd,
Judd Nelson, Judd Hirsch and Wynonna.
Cher was supposed to speak in D.C., but she couldn't
get through the crowd. Cher later
released a statement which read, "If I could turn back time, I would have
arrived earlier."
The ghost of Sonny Bono said, "I don't get you, babe. Come on. Congressman Sonny Bono. You should have been better prepared for this."
Meanwhile at the White House, it was reported the
Jackass in the White House was listening to the hundreds of thousands of women
protesting outside the White House and totally losing his shit about it. He could also hear the ghost of Richard
Nixon laughing maniacally and saying something about not having Nixon to kick
around anymore.
In an attempt to divert attention away from the
protestors, the Jackass decided to meet with the C.I.A. and tell them how many
times he'd been on the cover of TIME.
For the record, it was fifteen, which he thinks is a record. It's not.
The ghost of Richard Nixon laughed maniacally and
said, "I hold the record. I was on
the cover fifty-five times. And I got
to meet Elvis. Suck on that."
The ghost of Elvis said, "Man, I was high."
The Jackass was pissed to realize no one found his
non-record of TIME covers impressive enough to distract from the millions
of people protesting around the world.
So he had the great idea of making his press secretary, Sean Spicer,
yell at reporters for reporting.
CNN chose not to go live with
Sean Spicer's statement and continued their coverage of the protests instead. The Jackass in the White House got his
panties all in a wad as he didn't understand the worldwide appeal of millions
of women protesting.
The ghost of Nellie Bly
explained, "It's a movement the likes of which nobody has seen."
The ghost of Susan B. Anthony said, "Burn."
Namaste, Bitches
