Friday, April 27, 2018

A Different World

Most people were shocked by the Bill Cosby verdict. Because they had no idea the second trial was over. Or that it had started. Or that it was the second trial. Or that the first trial had ended in a hung jury. Or that the first trial had happened. In a pre-Trump America the Bill Cosby trial would have received non-stop coverage on all the news networks. All day. Every day. However, the constant absurdities of the sexual predator in the Oval Office spared Cosby a lot of the embarrassment he so richly deserves.

Regardless, the verdict came in and Cosby was found guilty on all three counts. This received non-stop coverage for two whole hours before coverage of the latest Trump absurdity resumed. And for two whole hours I couldn't get the Fat Albert theme song out of my head. Please indulge me for a moment.

You'll have some fun now
With me and all the gang
Learning from each other
While we do our thing

Na, na, na
Gonna have a good time

Due to the minimal amount of coverage the Cosby trial has received, I feel it is my duty as a blogger with nothing better to do to provide you with in depth analysis of the Cosby case.

In the beginning Cosby was a successful comedian. He did Picture Pages on Captain Kangaroo. He was on The Electric Company. Then he created Fat Albert. He cultivated an image as a funny, family friendly, educational type guy. On Celebrity Apprentice this would be called “tremendous branding.”

In the eighties he starred on The Cosby Show and pimped Jello Pudding Pops in his spare time. The Cosby Show was a huge hit which NBC desperately needed as it was the third place network at a time when there were only three networks. Must See TV was born and Cosby was given credit for creating a show that portrayed the first well-to-do African American family. This pissed off the actress who played Weezy on The Jeffersons. The Jeffersons had moved on up a decade prior to Cosby and received no credit for doing so according to Weezy. Weezy would go on to piss off my grandma when a five-year-old Donna Troy told grandma she looked like Weezy Jefferson. 

Cosby became known as “America's Dad” and he took the honorary title a little too seriously. Lisa Bonet wasn't having his shit as she was an adult who already had a father. Against Cosby's wishes she did a nude scene in a movie. As with most rapists, Cosby has a burning fiery hatred for women he can't control and promptly fired Lisa Bonet for having a mind of her own.

Cosby's pathological need for control didn't stop with women. He also fired the actor who played Cockroach for refusing to get a haircut meeting the Cosby standard of personal grooming. 

There were other obvious signs Cosby wasn't fit to be dad for all of America. For example, during a Today show interview he stated Malcolm Jamal-Warner was his favorite of all his fake children. Every fake parent knows you are supposed to love all your fake children the same. Choosing a favorite fake child is simply bad fake parenting.

Behind the scenes Cosby was harboring a dark secret going all the way back to his Captain Kangaroo days. Despite having a wife, five children and a demanding career, Cosby still found time to satisfy his other interests. Those interests included education, tennis and rape.

In Cosby's esteemed position as “America's Dad” he felt it his duty to mentor young beautiful women who wanted to break into show business. He did not feel it was his duty to mentor young beautiful men who wanted to break into show business. (Note to young women: Should you meet an older man who mentors women and only women, you are about to join a cult or be raped. Quite possibly, both. Avoid men like this at all costs. Run away screaming if you must.) Once Cosby had the young hopeful actress under the guise of his mentor-ship he would then drug and rape her.

Some people have questioned why these ladies didn't go to the police thirty years ago. Many of them did and the police responded to them like so, “Look, bitch, I may shoot an unarmed black teenager for selling loose cigarettes, but I'm not about to be the guy who arrests Bill Cosby. Some lines you just don't cross. Honey, you were probably in awe of Cosby's fame and got swept up in the moment. The next morning you woke up regretting slutting it up for Dr. Huxtable. Now you're imagining things. It happens all the time. You have no idea how many women come in here with the same story. It's best to just put this whole incident behind you.”

Long after The Cosby Show ended, Bill Cosby continued to play the role of “America's Dad” while still finding time for tennis and rape. And he took this honorary title even more seriously than before. He seemed to be troubled that all African Americans aren't Huxtables. Tennis and rape were no longer enough to satisfy his rage. 

He gave what is now known as the infamous “Pound Cake Speech.” Here is an excerpt:

Looking at the incarcerated, these are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola. People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake! And then we all run out and are outraged, 'The cops shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand?

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a damned thing about Africa. With names like Shaniqua, Shaligua, Mohammed and all that crap and all of them are in jail.

This did not go over well. Racists cops who shoot black kids for selling loose cigarettes were quite pleased with the speech. But everyone else was beginning to think George Jefferson may be a better role model. And a better dancer.

Then one day a comedian by the name of Hannibal Burress had enough of Cosby's shit. He called Cosby out in his act.

“He gets on TV, ‘Pull your pants up black people, I was on TV in the ‘80s! I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom!’ Yeah, but you rape women, Bill Cosby, so turn the crazy down a couple notches.”

An audience member recorded the act on his/her phone, posted it on the Internet and it went viral. The Cosby rape allegations had been public knowledge for years, but had largely been ignored. Suddenly, all of America was like, “Hold up. A relatively unknown comic says Bill Cosby is a rapist. I guess these women have been telling the truth after all.” America, that's fucked up.

Thanks to this relatively unknown comic fifty-two women came forward with shockingly similar stories of being drugged and raped by Bill Cosby. With public opinion turning against Cosby police were no longer able to shield him. This was disappointing to police who had reaped the benefits of “America's Dad” defending them when they shoot unarmed black teenagers for selling loose cigarettes.

Cosby was not without his defenders. People did some impressive mental gymnastics trying to prove this was a conspiracy to prevent Bill Cosby from buying NBC. I addressed this in a previous blog titled Access Hollywood - Special Victims Unit. Chuck D was distressed networks had stopped airing reruns of The Cosby Show. He argued Phil Spector songs still play despite Phil Spector being convicted of murder. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck D.

Dear Chuck D,

What's up, Chuck?

Phil Spector is a producer. Most people aren't familiar with the producers of their favorite songs. If I knew what songs Phil Spector produced I wouldn't want to listen to them because I would be thinking about murder, rendering me unable to enjoy the music. If you would be so kind as to provide a list of Phil Spector produced songs I will gladly remove them from my play list.

Also, Phil Spector is currently serving a prison sentence for murder. I'm unclear as to why you seem to believe he got away with something when he clearly did not.

I look forward to your reply.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

The statute of limitations had not expired for a woman named Andrea Constand. She tried to press charges a decade before, but was met with the “slutting it up for Dr. Huxtable” argument by the district attorney. Unable to pursue criminal justice she filed a civil suit against Dr. Huxtable. However, thanks to the heroic joke telling of the relatively unknown comic, Ms. Constand was free to pursue criminal charges once again.

The transcript from the civil suit was released. Cosby openly admitted to procuring Quaaludes to give to women with whom he wanted to make love/rape. Do not fear for “America's Dad” wasn't buying drugs off the streets. He got a prescription from his gynecologist, presumably when he went in for his pap smear.

Despite the Quaalude admission Cosby was adamant he only gave Ms. Constand a couple of Benadryl tablets before engaging in consensual carnal relations. Because that makes sense. Every woman has experienced the moment when a date is becoming intimate and the man leans over and says, with a wink and a nod, “Hey baby, why don't you take a Benadryl and see where the night leads?”

Did I mention Andrea Constand is gay? Because that seems important.

Prior to being criminally charged in this matter, Bill Cosby was quite active. He had a comedy tour booked, a special about to be released on Netflix and a production deal with NBC. After being criminally charged, Bill Cosby quite suddenly went blind, became feeble and unable to walk without assistance. Most people weren't falling for this sick old man routine, with the exception of the judge. I guess he's the only person who wasn't aware of the defendant's Emmy award winning acting talent. After being found guilty on three counts of felony indecent aggravated assault most people would then be sent directly to jail without passing Go or collecting $200. Citing Cosby's age and failing health the judge sent him directly to his multi-million dollar home.

The district attorney argued the judge should revoke Cosby's bail. He believes Cosby is a flight risk due to his wealth and ownership of a private plane. Cosby somehow overcame all his health problems, jumped out of his seat and shouted. “He doesn't have a plane, you asshole! I'm sick of him!” Who doesn't have a plane and who he is sick of wasn't immediately clear. 

Upon leaving the courtroom Cosby's blindness seemed to clear up as he no longer needed his cane and walked rather quickly without missing a step.

Cosby's legal troubles are far from over. As the host of Picture Pages, Bill Cosby would end each segment telling his young viewers to order their very own Picture Pages workbook. My mom decided to order the book for my sister. She sent a check to the PO Box listed on the screen. The book never arrived and my sister never got the chance to do Picture Pages along with Bill Cosby and Mortimer Ichabod Marker. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Gloria Allred.

Dear Ms. Allred,

I hope you will consider representing my mother in this matter. We are seeking a return of $7.99, plus shipping and handling.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Hannity's America

In a history class in the not-too-distant future, children will be learning about the time a porn star took down a president and a cable news network. Welcome to Hannity's America.

If you're like me, and by 'like me' I mean a woman, you don't want to hear about a porn star every time you turn on the TV. However, Trump's one night stand with Stormy Daniels twelve years ago has led a to scandal involving the POTUS, his lawyer, the FBI, Sean Hannity and possibly, Jon Bon Jovi. (More on Jon Bon Jovi later.) So, despite my previous anti-porn star convictions, I guess I'm Team Stormy now.

For the children of the not-too-distant future I shall sum up how we got here. In 2006 Trump was a D-list celebrity host of a reality show starring other D-list celebrities. His third wife had just given birth to his forth or fifth child, depending on whether or not this was one of the days he remembered he has a second daughter named Tiffany. Trump was so excited about the birth of his forth or fifth child, he immediately went out and fucked a porn star. The porn star then sold her story to In Touch magazine. Shortly thereafter, she was threatened in the parking lot of a gym by an unknown hoodlum. Stormy has released of sketch of the unknown hoodlum. My mom believes the sketch looks suspiciously similar to one Jon Bon Jovi. (If you're a parent you should be taking notes. Your children or grandchildren may need to know this for the SATs one day.)

In 2016 the dumber parts of America/Fox News viewers elected a D-list celebrity to the office of President of the United States. One week prior to the election, Trump's attorney, Michael Cohen, was concerned the Jon Bon Jovi threat might not be enough to keep Stormy silenced. No one is sure why Cohen was suddenly concerned as no one had heard anything about Stormy in the decade preceding the election. Nonetheless, he paid Stormy one hundred and thirty thousand dollars and forced her to sign a non-disclosure agreement vowing never to speak of Donald Trump aka David Dennison, less Jon Bon Jovi take her out in a Blaze of Glory.

In 2018 Stormy, tired of simply Living On a Prayer, hired attorney Michael Avenatti. Avenatti proved to be a much better attorney than Michael Cohen. Shortly thereafter, the Stormy Daniels affair forced the FBI to raid Cohen's office and hotel room. A week later Cohen appeared in a hearing where he was forced to name all three of his clients. Yes, he only has three clients. Obviously, Trump is number one. Number two is Elliott Brody, a republican donor, who required Cohen's vast expertise in affair cover-ups. The third client wished to remain anonymous, but the judge wasn't having it. Cohen's lawyer was forced to release the name and that name is Sean Motherfucking Hannity, marking the first time Sean Hannity's name has filled me with joy.

I would now like to take a minute to address Fox News viewers. Fox News Viewers, I know you think I'm being spiteful because I'm liberal and I can't stand Sean Hannity. That's because I am being spiteful because I'm a liberal and I can't stand Sean Hannity. But also, Fox News isn't news. News is produced by journalists. Here is a direct quote from Sean Hannity: "I’m not hiding the fact that I want Donald Trump to be the next President of the United States. ...I never claimed to be a journalist." 

Fox News Viewers, let me break it down in a way you may be able to understand. The Coca-Cola Company used to sell a product called Vitamin Water. Coke was sued when consumers learned Vitamin Water has the same amount of sugar as a can of Coke. Coke's defense was they never claimed Vitamin Water was healthy and furthermore, they had no idea consumers would find the name of the product misleading. Fox News is the Vitamin Water of news.

Despite my loathing of Fox News, I forced myself to watch it because I was curious as to how they covered the Sean Hannity story. An anchor, whose name I do not know, was complaining about the liberal media speculating as to the connection between Hannity and Michael Cohen. Anchor Whose Name I Do Not Know says the liberal news is making stuff up about Hannity. (I do not know the anchor's name as the Trump Administration has cost most of the better known Fox News personalities their jobs. Yet, they keep supporting Trump like some poor sap drinking a bottle of sugar water who can't understand why he's gaining weight.) Anchor Whose Name I Do Not Know is incensed over the coverage of Sean Hannity. It should be noted what Anchor Whose Name I Do Not Know is referring to as “making stuff up” is what legitimate news outlets refer to as accurately reporting the facts.

Speaking of making stuff up, lets take a look at some of Sean Hannity's greatest hits.

Bad Medicine
Shake it up just like bad medicine
There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease 

During the 2016 election, Hannity became convinced Hillary Clinton was suffering from a very serious illness she was hiding from the American public. And also, the liberal media was involved in the cover up. He played a clip in slow motion of her laughing and called it a seizure saying, “This looks like violent, out-of-control movements on her part.”  As Sean Hannity is an angry man with no sense of humor, he is unfamiliar with how laughing works. 

Quite frankly, he should have lied about the video being in slow motion. If I thought that was the speed at which Hillary was actually laughing, I would have been like, “Fuck. Something is seriously wrong with her.” But those are the kind of opportunities you miss when you don't know how laughing works.

For more on Hillary Clinton's health scare see :  Diagnosis Meaningless

Wanted Dead or Alive
It's all the same, only the names will change
Everyday, it seems we're wastin' away 

Also during the 2016 election, Hannity, along with the help of a frequent guest on his show by the name of Donald Trump, broke the news of Rafael Cruz's involvement with the Kennedy assassination. Rafael Cruz is the father of former Trump opponent, Ted Cruz. Trump explained how his friends at the National Enquirer obtained a picture of Rafael Cruz standing next to Lee Harvey Oswald with the use of historical documents and Photoshop. Despite this overwhelming evidence, neither Trump nor Hannity have been able to convince the Dallas police to reopen the Kennedy case. Rafael Cruz remains at large. Or, I guess, just free. Actually, I don't even know if he's alive and I don't really care enough to look it up.

Born To Be My Baby
We got something to believe in
Even if we don't know where we stand

In 2008 Hannity, along with the help of a frequent guest on his show by the name of Donald Trump, gave birth to the birtherism movement. According to the theory, fifty years ago Barack Obama was born in Kenya to Kenyan parents. The Obamas wanted their baby to be the first black President of the United States. Black people had recently been given the right to drink from the same water fountains as white people. Obviously, the resolution of the water fountain matter created racial harmony across the land. They had to act quick if they wanted their son to be the first black president. It's a short leap from water fountains to the Oval Office. They traveled to Hawaii before finally landing in Chicago and raised their son as an American. He became a senator, ran for president, was endorsed by Oprah and the rest is history.

Fortunately for people who drink Vitamin Water because they refuse to drink from an integrated fountain, Hannity and Trump weren't falling for the ruse perpetrated by the Obamas. Trump told Hannity, Obama “could have easily have come from Kenya, or someplace.” Apparently, neither Hannity nor Trump consider Hawaii to be “someplace.” Hannity said, "The issue could go away in a minute. Just show the certificate."

Obama then produced his birth certificate which was certified as legitimate by the state of Hawaii. Not one to let facts and legal documentation skew his world view, Hannity continued to call for the president to release his birth certificate. He asked why Obama doesn't "just produce it and we move on?"

Lay Your Hands On Me
Everything you want is what I need
Your satisfaction is, uh, guaranteed

Hey, remember the Access Hollywood tape? Hannity defended President Grab-A-Pussy thusly, "King David had 500 concubines, for crying out loud.” Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sean Hannity.

Hey Asshole,

How the fuck can you go Old Testament on the Grab 'Em By The Pussy tape when Trump literally broke, like, four Commandments in the course of that conversation? If I were you I would have gone with Bon Jovi lyrics.

“When you're brought into this world, they say you're born in sin
Well at least they gave me somethin', I didn't have to steal or have to win
Well they tell me that I'm wanted, yeah, I'm a wanted man
I'm colt in your stable, I'm what Cain was to Abel, Mr. Catch-Me-If-You-Can”

Jesus hates you.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, April 8, 2018

The Thunder Rolls

The Thunder Rolls is a song about a cheating husband by Garth Brooks. When it was released in the nineties, Brooks left out the third verse to make it more commercially viable. The third verse is what makes the song awesome. The wife shoots the cheating husband in the third verse. If you read my last two blogs you may find my admiration for the homicidal wife of this song in direct opposition with my anti-gun stance. You're wrong. I'm anti-gun, not anti-murder. Some people have to die. Nonetheless, inspired by Kellyanne Conway's creative use of Alternative Facts, I shall hereinafter refer to my conflicting feelings as Justified Hypocrisy.

It is Unjustified Hypocrisy The Thunder Rolls had to be censored to appease the same radio stations who didn't censor Johnny Cash when he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. 

Speaking of thunder and cheating husbands, Stormy Daniels is still happening. I missed the 60 Minutes interview because I was extremely busy clipping my toenails. Sure, I could go online and watch it, but clipping my toenails is my least favorite thing in the world to do, so - no. I did read the transcript of the interview because it was faster. And there were no commercials. And I didn't have to look at a porn star with her Jessica Rabbit tits in my face. And Anderson Cooper is starting to annoy me lately. I think it started when he unfriended Kathy Griffin and replaced her with that asshole from Bravo I can't stand. And that asshole from Bravo reminds of this guy at work I can't stand. Anderson is kind of an asshole by association. 

This whole Stormy Daniels bullshit is causing me to feel some Justified Hypocrisy. I'm all for anything that takes Donald Trump down, but I'm also extremely anti-porn star. I'm sorry porn star ladies, but we have a Pussy Hat Revolution going on and you are not helping the cause. Stormy said she wasn't attracted to Trump and didn't want to have sex with him, but felt obligated to fuck him because she found herself in the same room with him.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Stormy Daniels.

Dear Stormy,

I never realized how much I learned from After School Specials until now. I guess    you missed them because you were busy balling some pervy biology teacher. Allow me to       share with you what I learned.

            Just say no.
            No means no.
            Don't drink and drive.
            Avoid Rob Lowe.
            Avoid Chad Lowe.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

I also feel Justified Hypocrisy about presidential sex scandals. If at all possible I'd rather not know about them. When the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal broke I was pissed. I was also twenty-years-old and a more idealistic bitch than the cynical middle-aged bitch I've become. I didn't give a shit about the strong economy Clinton built or the balanced federal budget. I didn't care if they threw that motherfucker out of office. Good riddance, Motherfucker. I felt bad for Hillary. I felt bad for Chelsea. I even felt bad for Monica because she was young and naive and really believed Bill was in love with her. To this day I can't look at Bill Clinton without thinking about blow jobs, stained dresses and foreign objects in Monica's vulva.

My grandpa defended Bill Clinton saying this: “Let he who don't sin throw the first rock.” Misquoted Bible passages aside, he may have had a point. The blow-back (pun intended) from the Lewinsky scandal resulted in eight years of George W. Bush. Bush fucked the economy worse than Bill fucked Monica. When my company had a three year wage freeze that only applied to those of us who made the least amount of money, I realized I had more important things to worry about than what tobacco products are in Monica Lewinsky's vulva.

It's really no surprise to anyone President Grab-A-Pussy fucked a porn star. It's public knowledge he cheats on all his wives. The question remains why is this story even a story?
According to Stormy, she only hooked up with Donnie once. She's already given all the horrific details - sharks and all - to Anderson Cooper and In Touch magazine. Yet, Stormy's lawyer has popped up on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, Meet The Press, The View, CNN, MSNBC, BBC News and The Weather Channel with ominous foreshadowing of more to come. 

More importantly, why is Donnie threatening the porn star with multi-million dollar lawsuits and mafia contracts on her life? Reportedly, as soon as the Stormy story broke, Donnie immediately turned to one of his advisers and asked, “When did I marry Melania?”

            Raindrops on the windshield, there's a storm moving in
            He's headin' back from somewhere, that he never should have been

            And the thunder rolls...”

Unfortunately for Donnie, the adviser he posed that question to turned out to be none other than Melania herself. In all fairness, he can't be blamed for not recognizing her when he barely remembers marrying her.

             “But on the wind and rain, a strange new perfume blows
             And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes, and he knows that she knows

             And the thunder rolls...”

Through my super special, top secret connections, I've obtained a copy of Donnie and Melania's pre-nup agreement. The following portion may explain Donnie's reluctance to discuss/publicly bash Stormy Daniels on Twitter.

It is well known to the third Mrs. Trump, The Donald has cheated on the previous Mrs. Trumps with wild abandon. The Donald has expressed his desire to continue fucking whomever he pleases, whenever he pleases, wherever he pleases; even if the whomever he pleases has not consented to be fucked and is therefore, not pleased. The third Mrs. Trump has agreed to be cool about it, aside from the following stipulations:

1.) The Donald must not allow his net worth to dip below one billion dollars at any time          during the course of this marriage. If this should happen, The Donald immediately forfeits his right to fuck the whomevers whenever he pleases.

2.) Should the laws of this nation suddenly change allowing the The Donald to finally           marry his daughter, Ivanka - not Tiffany - the third Mrs. Trump agrees to immediately         dissolve the marriage. In exchange for this, the third Mrs. Trump will be awarded custody of Jared Kushner and the Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire.
3.) The Donald agrees to abstain from extramarital fucking when and if the third Mrs.        Trump is experiencing any of the following conditions:
                        a.) Pregnancy
                        b.) Childbirth
                        c.) Postpartum depression
                        d.) Seasonal Affective Disorder
                        e.) Vomiting or diarrhea
                        f.) Toenail fungus

Failure to do so will allow the third Mrs. Trump to immediately dissolve the marriage         and maintain possession of the following marital assets:

                        a.) Mar-A-Lago
                        b.) Golf Clubs
                        c.) Five billion of the ten billion dollars The Donald doesn't actually have                              because he's not worth shit.
                        d.) Trump Tower
                        e.) The big beautiful wall on the southern border The Donald will never                               actually build.
                        f.) The Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire.

In addition, the third Mrs. Trump will retain custody of Jared, Ivanka and Barron. The         Donald will retain custody of Don Jr., Eric and the other girl.

I was unable to determine if Melania is currently exploring her options with The Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire Clause in light of the Stormy Daniels affair. Regardless, I would like to advise Melania of another option. An option found in the censored third verse of The Thunder Rolls.

            “She runs back down the hallway, and through the bedroom door
            She reaches for the pistol, kept in the dresser drawer
            Tells the lady in mirror, he won't do this again
            'Cause tonight will be the last time, she'll wonder where he's been

            And the thunder rolls...”

Namaste, Bitches


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