Sunday, April 8, 2018

The Thunder Rolls

The Thunder Rolls is a song about a cheating husband by Garth Brooks. When it was released in the nineties, Brooks left out the third verse to make it more commercially viable. The third verse is what makes the song awesome. The wife shoots the cheating husband in the third verse. If you read my last two blogs you may find my admiration for the homicidal wife of this song in direct opposition with my anti-gun stance. You're wrong. I'm anti-gun, not anti-murder. Some people have to die. Nonetheless, inspired by Kellyanne Conway's creative use of Alternative Facts, I shall hereinafter refer to my conflicting feelings as Justified Hypocrisy.

It is Unjustified Hypocrisy The Thunder Rolls had to be censored to appease the same radio stations who didn't censor Johnny Cash when he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. 

Speaking of thunder and cheating husbands, Stormy Daniels is still happening. I missed the 60 Minutes interview because I was extremely busy clipping my toenails. Sure, I could go online and watch it, but clipping my toenails is my least favorite thing in the world to do, so - no. I did read the transcript of the interview because it was faster. And there were no commercials. And I didn't have to look at a porn star with her Jessica Rabbit tits in my face. And Anderson Cooper is starting to annoy me lately. I think it started when he unfriended Kathy Griffin and replaced her with that asshole from Bravo I can't stand. And that asshole from Bravo reminds of this guy at work I can't stand. Anderson is kind of an asshole by association. 

This whole Stormy Daniels bullshit is causing me to feel some Justified Hypocrisy. I'm all for anything that takes Donald Trump down, but I'm also extremely anti-porn star. I'm sorry porn star ladies, but we have a Pussy Hat Revolution going on and you are not helping the cause. Stormy said she wasn't attracted to Trump and didn't want to have sex with him, but felt obligated to fuck him because she found herself in the same room with him.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Stormy Daniels.

Dear Stormy,

I never realized how much I learned from After School Specials until now. I guess    you missed them because you were busy balling some pervy biology teacher. Allow me to       share with you what I learned.

            Just say no.
            No means no.
            Don't drink and drive.
            Avoid Rob Lowe.
            Avoid Chad Lowe.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

I also feel Justified Hypocrisy about presidential sex scandals. If at all possible I'd rather not know about them. When the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal broke I was pissed. I was also twenty-years-old and a more idealistic bitch than the cynical middle-aged bitch I've become. I didn't give a shit about the strong economy Clinton built or the balanced federal budget. I didn't care if they threw that motherfucker out of office. Good riddance, Motherfucker. I felt bad for Hillary. I felt bad for Chelsea. I even felt bad for Monica because she was young and naive and really believed Bill was in love with her. To this day I can't look at Bill Clinton without thinking about blow jobs, stained dresses and foreign objects in Monica's vulva.

My grandpa defended Bill Clinton saying this: “Let he who don't sin throw the first rock.” Misquoted Bible passages aside, he may have had a point. The blow-back (pun intended) from the Lewinsky scandal resulted in eight years of George W. Bush. Bush fucked the economy worse than Bill fucked Monica. When my company had a three year wage freeze that only applied to those of us who made the least amount of money, I realized I had more important things to worry about than what tobacco products are in Monica Lewinsky's vulva.

It's really no surprise to anyone President Grab-A-Pussy fucked a porn star. It's public knowledge he cheats on all his wives. The question remains why is this story even a story?
According to Stormy, she only hooked up with Donnie once. She's already given all the horrific details - sharks and all - to Anderson Cooper and In Touch magazine. Yet, Stormy's lawyer has popped up on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, Meet The Press, The View, CNN, MSNBC, BBC News and The Weather Channel with ominous foreshadowing of more to come. 

More importantly, why is Donnie threatening the porn star with multi-million dollar lawsuits and mafia contracts on her life? Reportedly, as soon as the Stormy story broke, Donnie immediately turned to one of his advisers and asked, “When did I marry Melania?”

            Raindrops on the windshield, there's a storm moving in
            He's headin' back from somewhere, that he never should have been

            And the thunder rolls...”

Unfortunately for Donnie, the adviser he posed that question to turned out to be none other than Melania herself. In all fairness, he can't be blamed for not recognizing her when he barely remembers marrying her.

             “But on the wind and rain, a strange new perfume blows
             And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes, and he knows that she knows

             And the thunder rolls...”

Through my super special, top secret connections, I've obtained a copy of Donnie and Melania's pre-nup agreement. The following portion may explain Donnie's reluctance to discuss/publicly bash Stormy Daniels on Twitter.

It is well known to the third Mrs. Trump, The Donald has cheated on the previous Mrs. Trumps with wild abandon. The Donald has expressed his desire to continue fucking whomever he pleases, whenever he pleases, wherever he pleases; even if the whomever he pleases has not consented to be fucked and is therefore, not pleased. The third Mrs. Trump has agreed to be cool about it, aside from the following stipulations:

1.) The Donald must not allow his net worth to dip below one billion dollars at any time          during the course of this marriage. If this should happen, The Donald immediately forfeits his right to fuck the whomevers whenever he pleases.

2.) Should the laws of this nation suddenly change allowing the The Donald to finally           marry his daughter, Ivanka - not Tiffany - the third Mrs. Trump agrees to immediately         dissolve the marriage. In exchange for this, the third Mrs. Trump will be awarded custody of Jared Kushner and the Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire.
3.) The Donald agrees to abstain from extramarital fucking when and if the third Mrs.        Trump is experiencing any of the following conditions:
                        a.) Pregnancy
                        b.) Childbirth
                        c.) Postpartum depression
                        d.) Seasonal Affective Disorder
                        e.) Vomiting or diarrhea
                        f.) Toenail fungus

Failure to do so will allow the third Mrs. Trump to immediately dissolve the marriage         and maintain possession of the following marital assets:

                        a.) Mar-A-Lago
                        b.) Golf Clubs
                        c.) Five billion of the ten billion dollars The Donald doesn't actually have                              because he's not worth shit.
                        d.) Trump Tower
                        e.) The big beautiful wall on the southern border The Donald will never                               actually build.
                        f.) The Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire.

In addition, the third Mrs. Trump will retain custody of Jared, Ivanka and Barron. The         Donald will retain custody of Don Jr., Eric and the other girl.

I was unable to determine if Melania is currently exploring her options with The Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire Clause in light of the Stormy Daniels affair. Regardless, I would like to advise Melania of another option. An option found in the censored third verse of The Thunder Rolls.

            “She runs back down the hallway, and through the bedroom door
            She reaches for the pistol, kept in the dresser drawer
            Tells the lady in mirror, he won't do this again
            'Cause tonight will be the last time, she'll wonder where he's been

            And the thunder rolls...”

Namaste, Bitches


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